Now You See Me
Hand of Sleight
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 113 min

I love magic.  I love movies. I love movies about magic.   I love movie magic.  I love Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Mélanie Laurent, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine & even Dave Franco (when James is unavailable).  Wait, all of these things are in one movie????  HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE???  But don’t get too excited cause this thing they’re in was directed by Louis Leterrier, captain of the two Transporter movies + Clash of The Disaster + that 2nd Hulk movie everyone already forgot about.  And guess what, don’t get too excited in general, cause the result – Now You See Me – is an illusion of entertainment.  You’ll be tricked into being entertained, but really, the dupe’s on you, dope!  You somehow sit thru this inane routine, and the only thing that’s really vanishing is your time and money  

Sure, Now You See Me isn’t even on the same planet as the UMmazing Prestige or even the usey illusiony The Illusionist, BUT even though NYSM is totally refarted, it is totally totally watchable dumbitity, cause EISENBERG’S NOT STEALING FACEBOOKS! AND RUFFALO LOOKING UNSHAVED GRUFFALOOO!!!!  AND WOODY HARRELSON KNOCKING WOOD (not really)! AND ISLA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO FINE!!! AND LAURENT IS ALSO SO FINE AND SO CUTE SPEAKING IN ENGRISH!!! AND MORGAN FREEMAN IS SO OLD AND WISE AND HIS SMILES MELT SCREENS AS HE COLLECTS ANOTHER PAYCHECK!! AND MICHAEL CAINE DOES AN AMAZING MICHAEL CAINE IMPERSONATION!!! AND DAVE FRANCO IS LIKE JAMES FRANCO BUT YOUNGER AND LESS LEARNDEDED!!!!  And in nothing roles, they threw in real actors to play them, like that guy Michael Kelly, and Common, and that other that guy David Warshofsky!!

There’s nothing up any sleeves here, but sometimes it’s OK to pull from the bottom of the deck/dreck cause WE’D WATCH THIS CAST DO ANYTHING, EVEN KNIT SWASTIKA SWEATERS!!!

Verdictgo: high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Now You See Me sees you today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Shadow Dancer
In The Name of The Undercover Mother
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 101 min

Collette (Andrea Riseborough)’s got a tough life that’s about to get tougher.  Born of an Irish Republican Army friendly family (which tends to happen when yer lil brother gets mistakenly gun downed by British soldiers), Collette is tasked with blowing up a London Underground station, but the plot fails, she’s caught, and then caught with a tough decision to make – be a single mother headed to jail for 25 years or be an agent MI5 and spy on her own family and friends.  What to do, what to do?????

James Marsh takes a break from making UMcredible docs/two of my favorite films of the past decade (Man On Wire & Project Nim) to make a serviceable little film about The Troubles during in the 90s (Marsh is SO dang good about evoking specific times and places – see also his Red Riding: In the Year of Our Lord 1980).  And just when you thought that they ran out of movie ideas about the IRA, here comes something new that isn’t exactly like all the others flicks that proceeded it. I appreciated that Shadow Dancer focused more on the characters than the movement itself, and the quiet performance by Riseborough shines through because of it. She’s paired with MI5 agent Mac (Clive Owen), who goes above and beyond his duty to protect her, when his agency (headed by Gillian Anderson) may not be as keen to do so  

Can Collette trust Mac?  Can Mac trust Collette?  Can Collette’s IRA brethren trust her?  Can you trust that there’ll be a happy ending?  Of course not, it’s a tale about Northern Ireland, where happy is about as commonplace as sun is in the forecast

Shadow on you tiny dancer!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Shadow casts its spell in NY & LA & On-Demand tomorrow and elsewhere elsewhen

–

Oblivion
Lost At Earth
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 124 min

It’s the future, and it’s bad, cause Earth is barren, and the only people left on it are Tom Cruise and Andrea Riseborough (hello again Ms Thang!).  Their job is to make sure that all the robot probes are in working order, before they call it quits and head back to the mothership hovering above in space, where Melissa Leo‘s annoying voice barks southern-fried orders at em, sugar.  But things get complicated when a spaceship crashes and one of the survivors (Olga Kurylenko) gives Tom Cruise a wicked case of Déjà vu, and a boner.  The truth is ultimately revealed (with help of wise-ole/check cashing Morgan Freeman), and it feels like 1238381288 other bad future movie reveals that you’ve already seen before  

Director Joseph Kosinski is so good at making the future look cool as sh!t, but not so cool when he tries to pair it with a lukewarm script.  Same thing befell his Tron: Legacy, but it’s OK, cause sometimes a bad future looking mighty good is good enuff, and oblivionus to the rest!

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Oblivion is future-present in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Star Trek Into Darkness
Boldly Going Where Man Has Gone Before
Official Website | Trailers & Mo | Homeade Trailer
PG-13 | 132 min

JJ Abrams has re-assembled the single greatestist tribute act known to man (wet dream team – Pine / Quinto / Urban / Saldana / Cho / Yelchin / Pegg) for a 2nd round of fun, and they do it OH so right again, even if all they’re doing is imitating what’s been done before, but with even more lens flares!!!  Star Trek Into Dorkness is not really about much, besides a scowlingly enraged Benedict Cumberbatch enraging his scowl and wreaking havoc cause the only thing that can stop Benedict Cumberbatch is Cenedict Bumberbatch, and since you know there aint no such thing as Cenedict Bumberbatch, you know that nothing can or EVER will stop the awesomeness that is Benedict Cumberbatch, cause his name is so much fun to say, and we will never stop saying his name (ever since he was a Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award winner of 2006!) Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch 

If only this movie was called Star Trek Into Cumberbatch!!

But there’s so much more to this movie besides Benedict Cumberbatch, like Peter Weller, who you know is gonna end up doing something assholey, and like Alice Eve, who you know is gonna show off her toothy teefy grin, and maybe eat a taco

But there’s so much more to Dorkness than juss Alice Eve maybe eating a taco – like how cockysure rawesome Pine as Kirk still is, and how eye-browsy sharp Quinto as Spock still is, and how to the bone we want to bone Urban as Bones still bonesies, and even though we pegged Pegg as maybe not the right choice to play Scotty, he has since beamed us up to changing our minds, and we still cho–cho-choose Cho as Sulu, and although Yelchin doesn’t have much to yel or chin about, he still roxxx the Ruskie accent shardcore in his minimal amount of screentime.  Kinda tossed about Saldana as Uhura.  She’s hot, and Uhuraish enuff, but why does she have to sweat Spock?  Why can’t she bone Bones?  Or me?  Or Alice Eve’s almost taco?

What am I saying?  I IS SAYING THAT IF YOU LOVES THESE PEOPLE AS NEW ERA STAR TREK PEOPLES THENS YOU WILL WANT TO WATCH THEM DO ANYTHING, like nap, or almost eat tacos, or fly in space, or be awesome amongst lens flares!!!!

JJ Abrams has done so much with the so little that the Star Trek universe had to offer him.  Imagine what he’s gonna do when he gets his spectacles sighted on a real spectacle franchise like Star Wars!  Actually Star Wars seems less like a real franchise these days than Star Trek does now.  WOAH!  I know!  But JJ will make mountonus molehills out of the dumphole that George Lucas left his own franchise stewing in.  And if JJ can’t get the Star Wars franchise back on target, maybe no one can, and then maybe he can take over the Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour company and turn that franchise around and open a franchise in my stomach

Thank you JJ.  You made us believers of something we didn’t ever really even care about before.  Spock to the future, yours and ours!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trek is boldly but goody in thIghMAX today and at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Something In The Air
(Après mai)
It’s No Carlos
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Unrated | 122 min

It’s the late 60s/early 70s, in France, and students everywhere are pissed about stuff, and they want to do something about it.  News to me, since I’m an American, and we didn’t cover late 60s/early 70s French student unrest in any of our history classes, and I took a lot of history classes cause I was a History minor in college (which got me nowhere… but here?).  So these French students did anything in their power to make their voices be heard – they like firebombed buildings and things, they wrote pamphlets and manifestos on hot topics and stuff, and they did drugs and each other.  Sounds juss like lates 60s/early 70s America, but in France!!!!!!!!!

The GREAT director Olivier Assayas (Carlos, Carlos, Carlos) came of age during that turbulent time, and he autobiographically channels his experiences into his atmospheric Something In The Air.  Newcomer (with a Strokes hairdo) Clément Métayer plays Olivier by way of the character Gilles – the son of a TV writer/director (just like Assayas and his pops is was), who has nothing better to do than fight the power with pal Felix Armand (also with a Strokes hairdo), and get into the pants of Carole Combes & Lola Créton.  But maybe there’s more to life than juss being a shaggy-haired revolutionary shagging chicks????  Gilles is an artist first, and a radical second, but the movie starts with the order reversed.  Not much actually transpires over the film’s two hours, but stuff is happening all around, but that’s not really our concern.  Our concern is for Gilles, but there’s nothing really to ever be concerned about, cause he will shed his anger and become an artist!  Oh, there’s something in the air indeedy-do, and yes, it’s worth inhaling, even if it’s not exactly clear what that something is!

Verdictgo: low-end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Air is Something in limited release today, and on-demand May 9th

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Reluctant Fundamentalist
Climate Changez
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

The Reluctant Fundamentalist is a Pakistani named Changez (Riz Ahmed), a man who once went to America chasing the Yankee dollar, and is now a professor in his country of origin, possibly teaching questionable curriculum… depending on who’s doing the questioning (and no, we are not reffering to teaching how to do some sports betting or playing poker).  The man questioning him in the present is American journalist Liev Schreiber, who’s looking for a kidnapped American professor from the same university where Changez teaches.  Changez may not have the answer, but he begins to tell his story, and spank Allah he does, cause the past he presents ends up being much more intriguing than anything happening in the present.  Changez regales Schreiber and his Elmer’s Glue cow face with a tale about his once promising life in America, where he was taken under the wing of Wall Streeter Kiefer Sutherland (IN GLASSES!!!) and quickly moved up the finical ladder, and quickly down Kate Hudson’s pants (she’s actually pretty decent in the movie! not decent as in keeping her pants on, but decent as in she’s not being awful in some awful rom-com that’s awful).  Things go swimmingly, and then 9/11 happens, and then the world is with America, and then America turns hateful, and turn on people like Changez, who personally had zero to do with any of it besides the color of his skin and his religion and his nationality.  Enough becomes enough, and Changez demands change, for himself and his home country, so he heads home, where stuff happens, and then we’re caught up to the point where Schreiber and his Elmer’s Glue cow face come walking in to question this and that and why Changez has a beard and is angry at America

Mira Nair‘s take on Mohsin Hamid’s novel is certainly heavy handed, but should a movie about post-9/11 Muslim identity in Western and Eastern societies be dealt with with a light hand?  No, it shouldn’t.  Sure, Nair is a bit out of her depth in a 1/3 of her movie – where guns and hard talk raise tensions in the present, but the other 2/3rds told in flashback are right on point and carry the message across.  Her film practically sinks or swims on Riz Ahmed’s piercingly serious eyes, and she was wise to make him the navigator, as he floats above the given script and keeps us tuned into that bigger picture (he similarly sizzled and dazzled in Michael Winterbottom’s Trishna, and one would assume for him to do the same in many more films to come).  So what’s the bigger picture?  There are more sides to the post-9/11 world than just the one that America wants the world to take.  This is the fundamental point.  It’s more mental than fun

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Fundamentalist luctantly opens in limited release today, and on-demand April 30th

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…