The Monuments Men
Monumental Lameness 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

George Clooney! Matt Damon! Bill Murray! Cate Blanchett! John Goodman! Jean Dujardin! Hugh Bonneville! Bob Balaban!  All in one movie!!  Fighting the (real) good fight, to save plundered precious art from the Nazis, for generations to come!!!  Sounds like this movie can’t miss!!!!  Sadly, The Monuments Men is a total misfire.  The mission is important, and the movie tries to relay that thought, but it comes off as completely corny, udderly uninteresting, and as static and still as an actual monument.  It’s like Oceans 11 meet Saving Private Ryan minus everything.  I’d rather watch paint dry than watch them save these paintings.  I kinda wish the real people in reals lifes didn’t save these painting so this movie didn’t have to exist.  And honestly, that about all there needs to be said about this lame-fest. Good night, and good suck

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Men not at works, tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Nebraska
June Squibb June Squibb June Squibb June Squibb June Squibb 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 115 min

Oh June Squibb.  You totally June Squibbed the squibb june out of that June Squibb performance you done did June Squibb!! June Squibb June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  bibb salad June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  Bib Fortuna June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb  June Squibb!!!!!!!!!!

But seriously, this lovely and delightful Nebraska movie - concocted by Alexander Payne/Bob Nelson – is so amateurishly acted – IN A GREAT WAY, and soaked in such luscious black and white palettesz, where the gorgeous great plains cinematography juss makes you wanna take yer pants off and JO to the background, or piss on it, like the main characters done do did.  And oh man, that Bruce Dern guy is so dang cranky, and aloof, and feisty, and fun.  And oh man, that Will Forte, he be so good as the straight-man to all the geriatric antics goings-on.  Man, oh man, this movie’s wrap party musta been insane – everyone wetting their Depends and in bed by 5pm!  Good job Will Forte.  You really made it.  You are so quiet but makes such a commotion.  Blesses you

Speaking of June Squibb, Mr Pibb should marry her and let her have a drink called Ms Squibb

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Nebraska husks corn at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Her
OS Oh Yes! 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 119 min

Spike Jonze is so fcuking creative.  Maybe he needs lotsa time to be so fcuking creative.  And if so, is that why he’s only made four movies since 1999?  And if that so is so, so what?  If he’s gonna keep delivering mind-bending/blowing cinema, then please, take yer jolly a$$ time Spike!  His latest Her is just another grand notch on his ultra-cool, ultra-crazy filmmaking belt.  The difference with this flick vs his other works is that this one’s 111% the vision of Jonze, as he wrote the script from scratch himself

I for one am obsessed with technology.  I can’t keep my fingers off my phone (and my fiancee, but she doesn’t always do what I tell her to do :).  Jonze knows this (not about me, but about all of us), and he sees our relationships with our computers (in the near future) growing even closer, for worse AND for better.  His Her is a new computer operating system unlike anything that came before it, in our reality, and even in cinema’s fantasies.  Before Her, there was the artificial intelligence that was Metropolis‘ Maschinenmensch, 2001‘s HAL-9000, Tron‘s Master Control Program, WarGames‘ WOPR, and in body form, A.I.‘s David.  You can see what direction these movie AIs have been going – less evil, more human-like, more helpful, and more lovable (yet always creepy!!).  Woah, Spike, you just unknowingly made a sci-fi epic, without being at all sci-fi-y!

Joaquin Phoenix is our end user Theodore Twombly, a lonely, thoughtful and misunderstood soul looking for someone to talk to, and to fill the void of his recently lost love life.  When he purchased his new operating system, simply named OS1, little did he know that he was about to embark on another rollercoaster of love and all that comes with it.  OS1, with the voice of Scarlett Johansson, gives herself the name Samantha, and Theodore a new lease on life.  She grows as a learning computer, and he grows closer to ‘her’ with every byte, and they ultimately and completely fall in love with one another.  But can a man fall in love with his computer?  Well, in 2009, a man married a video game character, so why couldn’t this happen?  The love in Her feels true, but remains so unnervingly creepy to us (there’s a scene that cuts to moments of black, which will make you feel beyond awkward), but in this near future landscape, it’s more acceptable than it is frowned upon

Do we want this bad good bad future to happen?  To be honest, I don’t want anything in Spike Jonze’ head to become real, but I want to keep on seeing what he sees, cause only he could make a make-up-less Amy Adams seem sexier than she did being half-naked in American Hustle

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Clothing Jonzeing: now you can dress like it’s the near future too, with Opening Ceremony’s Her inspired line!

Her boots up currently at a theater near jews

(this was the last movie we needed to see before coming up with our best of ’13 list. sorry Phil O Meana & Nebraska, there juss aint time to see you)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Wolf of Wall Street
The Mighty Jordan Belfortification 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 179 min

Marty Scorsese made Goodfellas, arguably one of the greatest films ever made (I say even better than The Godfathers!), then directed a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t as grrrrrrrrrreat, then dropped Casino on us, which was not AS grrrrrrrrrreat great as Goodfellas was is, but what movie really is????, but it was so fcuking RAWesome and so close to being as grrrrrrrrrreat, but then he did a bunch of other movies that were good, but nothing like either of those two grrrrrrrrrreat and almost AS grrrrrrrrrreat masterpieces.  Well, the 18 year wait has paid off with The Wolf of Wall Street, which is not AS grrrrrrrrrreat as Casino, but oh so fcuking close to being so, and oh so fcuking RAWesome in its own right.  Bless you Marty.  BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t know by now, Wolf is the VERY true story of Jordan Belfort, a small time scheming stockbroker who hit it big, at the expense of his clients.  Then lost it big, at the expense of those who helped him get there.  Jordan lived a life of BEYOND excess, and the film, adapted by Terence Winter from Belfort’s two books, displays this excess, and is excessive itself – clocking in at 1 minute under 3 hours!!!  And yet, not a single one of those manic, lude-filled minutes is wasted, even if Belfort, in the form of Leonardo DiCaprio, is wasted for about 96% of the movie  

Earlier this year, we saw DiCaprio live the extravagant life of another Long Island schemer, from another Wall Street friendly era, as the title Jay guy in Baz Luhrmann’s equally spastic The Great Gatsby. He was mainly reserved, with the energy and anger welled up, and his performance was udderly fantastic.  In Wolf, he’s the same guy, cept there’s nothing being reserved.  It’s all out on the table, being snorted, and then some (candle in the butt!!!) – marking DiCaprio’s single greatest performance (and dancing, see gif below) to date, which is some feat considering the list of unforgettable performances he’s handed in (Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Howard Hughes in Marty’s The Aviator, and Mr Hoover in Eastwood’s underpraised/loved J Edgar)

Anywho, DiCaprio aint alone in making this a Scorsese pic score and a must sese.  There’s his right-hand toothy man who does his in-office dirty work - Jonah Hill (this kid can’t fail), his other right-hand man who does his out-of-office dirty work - Jon Bernthal (perfect as a meathead muscle), bitchy trophy wife - Margot Robbie (being VERY NSFWlicious), dad Rob Reiner (Rob fcuking Reiner!!!), the wolf hunting FBI agent - Kyle Chandler (LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing his face on the big screen), sleazy mentor – Matthew McConaughey (remember when he wasted his and our time starring in endless crappy movies?), swifty Swiss banker - Jean Dujardin (The Artist CAN talk), and every single one of Belforts underlings (with names changed to protect godknows who), and in particular, the bespectacle and bestpect-o-cool PJ Byrne

Wolf is like a third-rate Goodfellas, which means it’s a first rate picture of this year, which means it’s one of the best of 2013.  TEEN WOLF THAT SHIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show Wolf is howls at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
A Barrel of Halves 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 161 min

OMG, The Hobbit is back, yo!!  And this time we aint letting our eyes watch none of that 48888 frames per second junk.  And we didn’t!  24fps baby, all the way!  Cause that’s what movies are suppose to look like!  And glad we stuck to them guns for Peter Jackson‘s 5th dip into Tolkienland, cause this looked like a movie and not a video game!

OK, so what of the actual movie?  It’s first 1/2 was FCUKING awesome!!!!  Our heroes were like running thru fields and mountains and forests and fighting things big and small and gross and scary – you know, yer typical LOTR stuff.  But then the short dudes (Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage and all those stoopid lookin dwarves) needed help, but don’t ask for it, but it comes anyway in the form of super-skinny-hot elves!!  There’s good ole Legolas (Orlando Bloom, back in blonde, in the only role he excels in, instead of how he is in any non-elf movie where he ex-sucks in) and this female elf who didn’t event exist in Tolkien’s realm, but Peter Jackso oh so wanted to have a token Tolkien female character, so they basically made a female Legolas, but with red hair!!!  She’s played by Evangeline Lilly, and within 2 minutes of screen time, she makes you go, Liv Tyler as Arwen who???  IT’S TRUE CAUSE SHE’S SO COOL!!  But then the elves are like not helping the dwarves by jailing them, but then with MAGIC, they aint jailed, and then our heroes are in barrels, going down a rapid-crazed river (watch this bit of making of!), and trying to barrel-away from ugly orcs!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!  THERE’S SO MUCH ACTION AND THIS IS ALL SO MUCH FCUKING FUN!!!

But of course the fun never lasts, and the rest of the movie is far from a blast.  We inch toward Smaug and his dragon’s lair, and even if he’s voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it can’t change the fact that the rest of the journey to him is such a slog.  The river ride ends and then our little friends still have miles/kilometers to go, but first they must take a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng diversion in some lake port city where Stephen Fry is kinda awesome perfect as the lake port city’s master, and this dude with teef is his annoying helper, and theys trying not to get spied on by Stephen Colbert, and like try to get this human - Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) – to help them, but zzzzzzzzzzzz, and things and stuffzzzzzz.  Alas, they finally get going and go to the mountain where the dragon and Uncle Scrooge’s gold is be, and get some gem the dwarves need is be.  Fire from dragon goes whooooooooosh, and then the little dudes run around.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  WE SO CLOSE, but – CUT TO BLACK.  Movie ends with the least cliffy-cliff-hanger steak ever cooked.  Zzzzzzzzz.  WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BARRELS OF AWESOMES????

>Whatevs, we’re totally in for #3, but #2 was totally 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH.  It needed more Ian McKellen being an old beardo, and Lee Pace looking hot in with his treebranch crown, and stuff, AND BARREL RIDES!!!!  But I can’t really complain too much.  This is the 5th Peter Jax JRRRRRR Tolkien joint, and it far from sucks.  CAN GEORGE LUCAS SAY THAT ABOUT HIS STAR WARSESESES??   NO HE CAN’T CAUSE HIS NECK IS TOO FAT FOR HIS THROAT TO LET HIS MOUTH SPEAK WORDS THAT NO ONE CARES TO HEAR!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Smaug is making a hobbi-ton o’ money at a theater near jews

Bitched At Swirth – Middle Earth Edition: yep, dwarf Aidan Turner totes looks like a midget Ian Somerhalder with long hair, but we got one better for ya… 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

 

orc Bolg & Kellan Lutz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…