these are things AND stuffs from this past weekend

Raiders of the Lost Ark:
The Adaptation

sometimes we’re ahead of the curve, and other times we’re behind the curve (NEVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CURVE!!!).  well, it doesn’t matter where you are in the curve when it comes to the (basically) shot-for-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark that these Mississippi kids (Chris Strompolos, Eric Zala and Jayson Lamb) made over the course of 8 years.  we heard about it less than a decade ago and it took us that long to finally see it (there’s no DVD available, and the charity screenings are rare), and it might take you a zillion years before you do, but even if yer 110 years old when you finally do-do, you’ll feel like yer 12 years old all over again, when taking in this improbable masterpiece that’s like Super 8, but like more realer, more awesomer, and even more awesomer cause it’s Raiders of The Lost Ark made by kids and they light themselves on fire and everything!!!

This is like the dream of every young person (we included),  but most young persons don’t turn dreams into reality (we still included), but these young persons did and made their dreams come true, and now there dreams are even coming morer truer!!  And everyone agrees it’s the shiz-balls (Eli Roth!), and it’s even been approved by the gods (Señor Spielbergo AND Turkeyneck Lucas!).  Strompolos & Zala were on hand at the screening for a Q&A, and they have as much enthusiasm for the film now as they did when theys was 12 and making it.  amaze-balls

watch the opening scene!!

+ some mo pics!

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we took in these two eggggzibits and they were lovely and they were free, which made them even lovelier!!

George Tooker (1920-2011): Reality Returns as a Dream at The DC Moore Gallery

this guy is damn goods, and his paintings are like creepy Edward Hopper flazzles, and he died earlier this year, and we didn’t give him peace the forks out props, and so we are sorry, but not as sorry as you if you don’t see this egggggzibit

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then there’s Picasso, who’s like an even more overrateder Fellini, but…

Picasso and Marie-Therese: L’amour fou at The Gagosian Gallery

is a mos fabulous collection of his paintings, sculptures and photos inspired by his muse & lover, with that super-pronounced nose, and it is all a seen to be sighted!!!

check out this CBS Sunday Morn piece on them and the show.  you know if they cover something, it’s gotta be good (cept for Jimmy Fallon)

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Mile End!

man, them were some dang sweet-ass meats treats that beats all others!!!!!

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The Catechism Cataclysm
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
75 min

The good?

We saw it outdoors and seeing movies outdoors is the bestestestest (thanks yous Rooftop Films & BAMcinemaFest), AND it starred Steve Little (Eastbound‘s Stevie Janowski), who can make us laugh juss by smiling.  It doesn’t even matter what he says, cause the way he sez things is somehow betterer than the way other people say the same eggzact things

The bad?

Any bit of the movie that doesn’t let Steve be Stevie, like when other characters talk and this 75 minute movie starts to feels like it’s 750 minutes, and like these Japanese girls show up and like explode heads or something.  it’s a mess, and all the fun & sorta good bits are at the beginning, before it heads down a river without a paddle, or a point

Only Steve Little diehards should apply when it gets released this fall, and so…

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hesher
Head Banging Bungling
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Still can’t make teads or hails of what Spencer Susser‘s Hesher was all about.  We know it contains fantastic performances, and a really cool beat-up van, but the movie didn’t seem to know what to do with them.  There’s a grieving father (Rainn Wilson) and his bullied son (Devin Brochu), who are ‘helped’ in the easing of their pain by a metalhead maniac stranger (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that appears out of nowhere and for no real reason, other than to drop some antic antics, which are the stuff quirky indie flicks are made of.  You know, stuff like blowing up cars, trashing backyards, forcing grannys (Piper Laurie) to take bong hits, and talk dirty about vaginas, in front of clean nerdy women (an out of place Natalie Portman, with wretched 80s glasses), all done nonchalantly and with zero remorse.  NOW THAT’S SOME MIGHTY STRANGE, BUT WELL NEEDED THERAPY FOR A FAMILY WHO JUST LOST THEIR MOTHER/WIFE!!  Not really

Well, that pretty much sums up the plot of the plodding Hesher.  And while the whole affair is rather scattershotty, there’s still something about it that kept it kinda chugging along, and that it is JGord-Levi.  This depressed family may have indirectly needed JGC, but this movie directly didn’t need that family.  Hesher should have been let loose on multiple families and passersby.  You don’t cage an animal, you let it run free, and you know, let that animal blow up sh#t in different neighborhoods and get other grandmothers high

About Face: this guy is the best. he’s like a more awesomer, kookier Michael Richards.  and it’s always a treat to see his face pop up in movies

that guy is

Frank Collison

watch his work/face!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hesh messes in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sympathy for Delicious
Healing Wounds All Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 96 min

We don’t go into directorial debuts by actors with a roll of the eyes, we go in with eyes wide open (we actually do that with every movie now), cause who knows, maybe they’ve got talent… or maybe they should juss stick to their day job.  Clint Eastwood remains the pacesetter.  Even actors we can’t stand like George Clooney have proven more than capable.  Even someone like Madonna, who isn’t much of an actress, gave it a shot, and while most loathed her Filth & Wisdom, we found it lithe & not so dumb! So why shouldn’t Mark Ruffalo give it a go?  He knows acting, and always seems to pick good movies to be in (uh, Zodiac?), so why not????

Ruffalo’s Sympathy for Delicious may have an awful name, but it is not awful.  It’s not exactly delicious either, but it certainly has a taste!  It’s a good ole first try, and a promising sign of Ruff’s skill in the director’s chair, but ultimately its a mess of holy ideals, backed up by a band no one would want to rock out to.  The script, about a overly bitter homeless wheelchair-bound man named ‘Delicious’ Dean O’Dwyer (oh, it’s HIS sympathy, eh?) who one day realizes he has the ability to heal others, is inspired, especially since it was written and lead performed by wheelchaired Christopher Thornton, but it aims a lil too high for a film that can’t fully back up its sermon.  A priest (Ruffalo) and rock group (headed by a too-over the top Orlando Bloom, backed-up by a too Juliette Lewisish Juliette Lewis, and managed by a too greasy Laura Linney) both take advantage of his unwanted gift for their own ends, and if you’ve ever seen Tommy, you know this won’t exactly end heavenly. So Ruffles couldn’t make a delicious modern Tommy, but he tried and he didn’t fail, and for that, we can sorta take it

Noah Emmerich co-stars as a fellow ironsider, and besides Thorton and Ruffalo, he totally hits his marks.  He’s so good at playing a sad sack in an ugly sweater, which should not be confused with ugly nutsacks in a sad sweater

The Wheel Deal: Larry David has never had luck when dealing with the handicap on Curb, and especially those in wheelchairs. here’s a memorable altercation with Mr Thorton over the Cobb salad

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Delicious isn’t eggggzactly so in NY & LA theaters AND on VOD this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, but Morgan aint…

Hanna
Mum Lola Mum
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

A beautiful and sheltered girl with lightening quick reflexes and an un-licensed license to kill is set loose upon the world to kick some major a$$, with the beyond sweet sounds of the Chemical Brothers following her every move.  Is this our wet dreams come true… or the so-so movie Joe Wright churned out… of his league.  Wright has made one good movie (Pride & Prejudice), one third of a great movie (Atonement) and one that had all the right instruments and band members, but couldn’t eggzactly make a hit song (The Soloist… in retrospect, wethinks our review was a lil too favorable).  Credit to Joe Dubs for tackling something a little bit more fun, and not even necessarily all that dumb, but Hanna is juss another one of his middle of the pack finishing unfinished bidnesses

How could this be?  The movie looks and feels cool, and lil Saoirse Ronan as our titular babe in the woods with the goods is totally a wicked fit (with the bonus of papa Eric Bana as her Mr Qui-Gon Miyagi), but nothing here seems to click or add up to anything worth blagging home about.  It’s not action-y enuff to be an action flick, and its attempts at humor are about as humorous as twelve episodes of Lopez Tonight.  So what is this sorta messy mrs doubt misfire?  A revenge picture with no anger or sense of danger?  An un-professional Professional? A Domino that falls?  Run Lola Run, but running in place? Dogtooth with no bark or bite? Salt that aint kosher? The Boys From Brazil with no balls/zeal? And why all the terrible German accents? Did Tom Hollander do all of his dialect research by watching Sprockets and Udo Kier‘s oeuvre?  Was Udo Kier not available??? And what’s with Cate Blanchett‘s uuuugh-inducing Texas twang?  She’s one sneer away from entering Kathy Batesing it WAY overboardland!!

The only relief comes in the form of a vacationing British family that Hanna latches onto.  Parents Jason Flemyng and Olivia Williams are a good match for each other, her and us, and we were totally digging the vibe of Hanna’s new BFF (Jessica Barden), an OMG WTF bubblegum babbling chav-tastic tween, but all this surrogate sidetracking belongs in a separate movie.  Hactually, most of the fragmented proceedings stitched together here deserve their own individual treatment.  Focus people, focus!!

Remember how TRON 2 worked mostly cause it was one giant Daft Punk video?  Well, Hanna‘s like a 6th rate Chemical Bros vid.  What, was Michel Gondry not available either?  Perhaps he was getting busy with Udo Kier??  UDO KIER!!!!

Caption This!!!:

‘Your Royal Highness, this is that girl who gets raped in that Peter Jackson movie everyone hated, but it really wasn’t that bad of a movie.  Swears!’‘

Verdictgo: it’s passable entertainment, but it could been a contender, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hanna has no sisters at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cracks
Dropping The Pieces
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

‘Cracks’! What a great great word, and a great great title for a movie.  We wanna say it over and over – CRACKS CRACKS CRACKS CRACKS!!!!  And we wanted to love the movie Cracks, and not cause it was helmed by Jordan ‘daughter of Ridley’ Scott, cause as well all know, nepotism does not rule, despite what you think of Francis Ford’s daughter.  Alas, Cracks has its own cracks, besides the ones it presents, and while it tries to piece together the pieces, it cannot and remains kinda Crack-potted.  Maybe that’s one of the reason’s this thing’s been sitting on America’s shelf for 2 years

Not for a lack of trying, cause Scott’s take on Sheila Kohler‘s novel is overloaded with green gorgeosity.  It takes place at a remote all girls boarding school, surrounded by some of the dang dere lusciousistest green nooks and crannies that Ireland has to offer.  And the film revolves around Eva Green, who’s the mos beautiful of all the world’s greens!!!!

As an artsy sorta fartsy teacher, Green inspires her girls (all of them so delightful, we’re gonna list their names: Juno Temple, Imogen Poots, Ellie Nunn, Adele McCann, Zoe Carroll and Clemmie Dugdale) in a Ms Jean Brodie/Robin Williams Poets Society kinda way, but when a beautiful Spanish senorita (María Valverde, so beautiful that we drops some pics of her below) is shipped off to the school and joins the class, she becomes the object of desire and despisement, to both pupil and mentor.  Hotness!!  Then things get a bit Notes On A Scandalish and a tad Lord of The Fliesness, but it doesn’t really fly.  Notness!  Green’s character has a checkered ‘cracked’ past, but we know so little about it that it never helps us fully understand her motivations and actions

Unfortunately, this class has to be dismissed!  Yes, even despite a scene of everyone doing a bit of nekkid nightswimming, cause nightswimming deserves a quiet night!!! Or a slightly butter realized movie?

She Reigns In Spain & EVERYWHERE: oh MARÍA!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Cracks kinda falls thru itself this Friday in NY & LA, elsewhere elsewhen and On-Demand 3/23

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

love da poster!