Thighs Wide Shut

So I guess you can call this our first Thighs Wide Theme Week. If you’ve been cave hidin’ with Osama, then you probably don’t know what I reek of. Lettuce recap: Montag gave love to Mike Tyson and his Glass Joe ways, Martedì lookyed back to the days of yore, when drowning your family was a fun thing, Miércoles paid tribute to a yellow pioneer (and I aint talkin bout them folks who made railroads for white people), Jeudi was filled all sorts of CAPCOMedy, and Friday I’m in love… ALL OVER AGAIN with the greatest gaming system known to man, no not TurboGrafx 16, but The Nintendo Entertainment Center, which went nationwide is on our side in ’86. I could go on and on with run-on and run-on sentences about how much the 8-bit of heaven means to I me mine, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about for years to cum. So without further Freddy Adu, I giveth to you:

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2) RBI Baseball – NES was loaded with stellar artois baseball games, but this was the king of the diamond. All the players were white and faceless, plus looked so cute when they got beaned. Wanna bring home the pennant? Play with Boston and sub Tony Armas for Marty Barrett & Ellis ‘Tim’ Burks for Spike Owen. And how do you like yer RBI muzak, men on base stizz or bases empty?

3) Super Mario Bros 3 – Super Mario 1 is classic, but not worth playing anymore. Super Mario 2 is a joke, but sorta set the stage for Mario Karts. That leaves 3 as the perfect edition to rule them all. Magic flutes, raccoon AND frog Mario, giant land, the match game, and giving people a reason to see Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater, AND a pre-Rilo K Jenny Lewis mix it up in The Wizard. Wanna make Bowser look as weak as Sha Na Na’s Bowzer? Load up on 99 1-ups on World 3, Level 9. Juss grab the shell of a green flying koopa, throw it between to blocks, and let the bomb-obs thing do the rest.

4) Final Fantasy – A much better RPG than OG Zelda, but too long and complex for repeat play. Sh%t was like the best parts of Ultima, Dragon Warrior, and even LOTR all rolled into one fat blunt. No other vid games’ enemies and boards made me sweat more than FF‘s did. Wanna shine light on the darkened orbs? Don’t even think about starting without Nintendio Power’s strategy guide. The secret game was effin hugo and its boss!

5) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out – Do I even need to explain this one? Juss look at these ani gifs, listen to this racist, yet chillarious tune, punch in ‘007 373 5963’, and kick that ex-Robin Givens loving machine to the kerb. Can’t ya juss hear Mario squeak ‘TKO’ with his accompanying word balloon?

6) RC Pro-Am – Love Spy Hunter‘s weapons & oil slicks, and Super Off Road curves? Then this is the game for you. My copy of the game has been used so many forkin times that after a 30 seconds of playing, everything on the screen turns black and all you can see is what place yer in. Wanna stack yer trophy room? Avoid picking up bombs, stick to the missiles, and ALWAYS use the red-speedy-arrow-thingies whenever possible.

7) Bionic Commando – CAPCOM at its best. You sport red hair, wear shades, gots a bionic arm, and get to kill Hitler. How? Throw the dude some watermellons and watch him go crazy!

8) Ice Hockey – One skinny dude and 3 fat guys are the recipe for success.

9) Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse – All of the C’vania games were moneybag mcgees, but once again, a #3 ups the steaks and salads. The standout feature here is the ability to transform into three diff characters. I’m partial to Alucard, Dracula’s bastard son.

10) Goonies II – I don’t remember there ever being a Goonies I or even any buzz about this one, but I borrowed it from a family friend and never returned it. Spank gawd, cause I was able to strap on my slick shoes and save the breastless mermaid from the Fratellis. Wanna never die like the Goonies? Find Konamiman as often as possible.

11) Contra – How could ANYONE ever win without ‘up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start’? I guess it’s one of those never to be answered queries like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Mostest honorable mentions: Blaster Master, Metal Gear, Bases Loaded, Baseball Stars, Metroid, Blades of Steel, Pro Wrestling, and shove course, the one with the bestest name of all thyme, Rygar.

Sorry kids, but Super Tecmo Bowl juss doesn’t cut it para me. I’ll stick with 10 Yard Fight as NES’ blue ribbon fooball game. Where else can you throw a 99-yard bomb TD pass, while being on yer opponents’ 1 yard line?

* for games that debuted on the NES

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• Boy how Glass Joe. Tis ending of an era is mos sadder than the ending of Rain Man…

• Damon Albest takes a piss on Live 8 for not being black enuff, while Pink Floyd reunites for the guy who played Pink Floyd and his thing.

• It was destiny that brought them together, but it was… WHO CARES?!?!?

• Peace the fork out MacGyver boss man!

• Christina Aguilera’s music was used to keep Guantanamo Bay prisoners awake. But if they really wanted to torture people, they should juss play the crap on disc that is LCD Soundsystem. AWFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

• Amy Sedaris interviews Sam Rockwell. If they ever had children together, it would be the hottiest funny thing ever created since Drexel’s Class.

• Owen Wilson never read the script to Anaconda before arriving on set.

• 60 Mins was a repeat last nite, but that doesn’t mean that Rooney’s take on US coins doesn’t deserve a 2nd look. I would have paid $2 zillion dollars to be there when he was using the Penny Arcade @ Commerce Bank.

• For the last time, Mike D is NOT related to Screech or Neil Diamond

• Quit MESSING with her boobs

• You’re Anus

• The Picture of EVERYTHING

• Hulk Hogan, the animated gif of the gawds [via My Man Marvkus]

• Dead url I’m so spankful for being resurrected: HeatsOfMeat.com

• How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria’s Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop [via Itzaaa Richie]

• Think Tom Cruise, Senor Speilbergo, and the special effects are the reasons to go see War of the Worlds? Yer more dead wrong then when Neville Chamberlain tried that appeasement crap on a watermelon-crazed maniac. Sure, I heart Miranda HOTTO & Tim Robbins berry mucho much, but this invasion flick should be renamed The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE. Why? Cause she’s 5623655900233 times better an actor than Scientologist Jones could ever be, and she’s only 2 1/2 years old!! Give her 10 years and she’ll have more Oscars than Meyer. + she’s the cutest thing I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. And before you think dirtywise you sick FORKS, I wouldn’t let her sleep in my bed or serve her Jesus Juice (which may or may not explain her shirt below), but I’d love to go and play on the playground with her or eat 6 zillion ice cream sangwhiches with her while watching every single Neverending Story on DVD, even the one with Jack Black. She just plain rules the schools and the shuls. And since I think so THIGHLY of her, I’ve decided to adopt her. I give to you, Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. Just promise to never grow old, up, and awkward like Haley Joel Omeletteeee.

[via DF.org]

• BOO. I now have ZERO radio stations to listen to in the NYC area.

• Lohag wonders why the tabloids care so much about her. And I have to side with my former woman when she sprays, ‘I don’t know why I’m so interesting’. Add skinny, blonde, and gross to that list babe! [via Tom Wellington the I]

• Hollywood marriage I really hope works out: Rachel Weisz & Darren Aronfsky.

• Hollywood marriage I really hope doesn’t work out: Brett Ratner & X-3

• Word has it that the next gen Nintendo, called Revolution, will allow users to download ALL 221 games Nintendo published with the old school NES, SNES and N64 game systems. Here’s the complete list. [via the always kosher Dr Falada]

• Even Liam Gallagher loves ‘Feel Good Inc’

• You Darnerien McCants tell me that this is possibly true: Bjork almost was one of Charlie’s Angels???

• Winnie Coops grows up, but she gots miles to go before she reaches Julie Condraland. Related: Justin’s thumbcredible Kevin Arnold’s Lizadies

• Tara Reid is a ‘skankbot‘

• Cameron Diaz looks whorrible without make-up sez director Danny Boyle. Most women looks whorrible without make-up sez Thigh Master.

• Charlotte Church On Lads And Fags

• B Jaxx to replace Kylie at Glasto

• To Box, Or Not To Box? I eggspect better from you Rooney!

• The Woodward & Bernstein Watergate Papers

• Free screenings abound for the next Vince Vaughn shitcomedy, Wedding Crashers [via Melly Mel]

• Thighspotted wit my own eyes: Hank Azaria wearing a pink ‘Yo! MTV Raps’ tee near Columbus Circle AND Orlando from Strangers w/Candy avec baby round Columbia U.

• A Taiwanese restaurant serves up food in toilets to looks like things you leave in toilets. Did some one say YUM? If you did, you should be hunted down and beaten with 20 lbs of asparagus. Peep a pic of this madness!! [via Made of Brawnstein/A Dude]

• Probably my all time flavorite poster: The Posse

• Who knows if these have been doctored or not, but popular songs played in reverse to reveal secret messages are always fun! [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Mini Organs

• Guess Which Movie

• Thinks they sell a Tie-Fighter desk at Staples? [via Seltzer w/an ‘H’]

• Dress Steve Jobs [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Buffo, the World’s Strongest Clown [via 1,2,3, look @ Mr. Richie Lee]

• Cuthbert wants Justin Timberlake to sing at her wedding. First off, I didn’t agree to this. Second off, apparently she’s NOT getting married to me. And jerk off, is what I will do right now, regardless if she’s going to marry Trace Ayalabushicala or not. But to be purrrrfectly honest, I’m considering making a move in the House of Thighs. Has Cuthy passed her primer number? What do you all think? Is it Mandy or Mischa’s go? Seppo the Great spanks that Melissa Theuriau, some French news chick who looks one part Posh Spice (the good parts) and one part Virginie Ledoyen, would be spunkfert for the part. I do love NonUsHotties(.8k.com) and French Fries, so this could be a NICE fit.

Peep these lovely galleries for even more frog hotness

While I could show you some hot pictures of me sweating my balls off at my boy and girl El Hofbergo & Natanay’s fantabulo wedding in Raleigh, NC this past weekend, I’d rather talk about something a lil closer to my heart. Or more like, closer to my heart-attack. I give to you…

Confessions of a Fried Chicken Junkie
Final Battle

What’s In A Name?: One was not originally named in honor of a spinach addicted sailorman who spawned a killer Nintendo game (although it is the current mascot), but in fact for Popeye Doyle, of The French Connection fame. The other’s is a salute to the ditty ‘Mr. Bojangles’, as popularized by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Juss say em both out loud and figure out which one is cooler than William H Macy. Advantage – The gritty Detective, not the Shitty Gritty Crap Band brand.

Who’s On First? : Po’s officially came into being in ’72 in the Big Easy. Bo’s brung up the rear five years later in ’77, when Star Wars was released and yers drooly was born, in Charlotte, North Carolina. Sure, The Colonel ignited the fried chicken franchising craze back in ’52, but the world had to wait 20 more years before actually getting something that was tres tasty. Advantage – to the one a bit older and way more southern, Po’s.

Who Is Your Daddy And What Does He Do?: Po’s Gran Moff is Al Copeland, a famed Naw Arleans restaurateur who actually has a website of his own. Bo’s brainchildren were Jack Faulk and Richard Thomas. Both have boring names and neither have web sites on the internets. Popeyes’ first franchise partner was Russell Jones. That was also Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s real name. Advantage – The Popeyes Clan & the 36 Clogged Arteries

Font & Color Scheming: Both use tacky colors that blind the eyes, like any Sean Connery movie of this decade, and both have a footloose and fancy free arrangement of letters. But Bo’s overdoes it a bit too much for me with their decorative star and apostrophe. I’m all for simplicity and similar point sizes between the letters. Advantage – the one who needs no introduction, and apparently an apostrophe!

Web Sights For Sore Thighs: Take a look fo yo selves at hot-arsed Bojangles.com and Popeyes.com and decide for yourself. Me, I go for the one that offers coupons for yo area and a lil something for the kiddies as well. Advantage – Popeyes, cause they also aint associated directly with NASCAR.

Locations, Locations, Locations: While both cover a large chunk of the country known as Jesusland, Popeyes dominates the rest of the country, from Idaho to Hawaii, to the rest of the globe (what’re they Jewish?), from Bahrain to even Bosnia! Sure, Bo’s got some international spots, but is Honduras even considered a country anymo? Advantage – In ANY language, it’s gotta be Po’s. Where else you goin-to-hurtz-your-stomach-a in Herzegovina?

Catchphrase That Pays: Love That Chicken from Popeyes vs. Gotta Wanna Needa Getta Hava Bojangles. Advantage – Who can remember that 2nd one, when yer too busy loving that chicken from Popeyes?

Food Glorious Food Coma: I’ll give Bojangles two gold stars, where gold stars are due. One of dem for serving breakfast and one for having biscuit sandwiches (I recommend the Chicken Filet & Country Ham biscuits). BUTTTTTT, all other gold stars and buckeye decals for good performance are reserved for the one and only Popeyes. Their fried chicken is mos spicier, mos crisper, and mos deffier mos eisley eggsalader than Bo’s. NO CONTEST is what I plead. Sides? Can’t touch red beans and rice! And the biscuits? I could probably eat a baker’s dozen without even blinking. Could you all say the same thing about 13 vaginas? Didn’t spank so. Plus, no one makes my stomach more upset that Popeyes, and to me, that’s a sign of greatness. Advantage – the answer here is more predictable than the ending of Guess Who?!

Overall: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. This is a toughy, but I guess I gotta go with the one that went 8 for 8 in this Final Battle of Fast Food Fried Chicken War. What do you all think? I value your opinion about as much as I love watching Rosie O’Donnell shave her ass. But please, don’t even bother commenting about KFC or Church’s. You’ll just be embarrassing youself in front of zillions. And although Popeyes is the true and only Lord of the Universe, this does not mean it is the greatest fried chicken on planet Earth. Yer best bets are always greasy one-off dives that don’t have a url, like the one Rachael Ray recommended to me in Memphis, Gus’s. Some say finger-banging good! And don’t be eggspectin’ a White Castle vs. Krystal thingie any thyme soon cause the now defunct Little Tavern Hamburgers of MoCo was king of mini-crappy hamburgers.