Thighs Wide Shut

Babies
Passive Fire
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In Thomas Balmes‘s light and delightful documentary Babies (aka Bébé(s), in his native tongue) we follow the births and first steps of four newbies: Ponijao from Namibia, Bayar from Mongolia, Mari from Tokyo and Hattie from San Francisco.  They may be from different countries and cultures and ways and means and boobs, but in the end, they all still juss babies trying to learn things and stuff!!!  So what things and stuff do we learn?  Nothing, cept babies are still super cute, especially black ones and Asian ones.  White babies are fine, we guess, but the white baby is American and her parents are lame Americans, and nothing’s more uninteresting than American babies and their lame parents, hispecially when compared to babies and their parents not from America!  Babies is suitable for any audience, except for maybe Baby Hater Bill!!!

Crawl Spaces: looking for a little bit more depth, and narration?  seek out PBS’ mos eggsalad 1991 series Childhood, which chronicles 12 families and their kids from around the world

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Babies goes goo-good in theaters today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Iron Man 2
Rust Never Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Was Iron Man 1 really that awesomes?  Did we all champion it cause it wasn’t juss another piece of crap released in the summertime?  Maybe we overvalued it cause we had no faith in director Jon Favreau‘s abilities and were simply sirprized that it wasn’t a dud?  Looking back, nothing much comes to mind in the memorable moments department (granite, we only saw it once), but wees all know what made #1 work and why #2 even exists: Robert Downey Jr

Well, RDJr is back in the tin can, and besides Gwyneth Paltrow as the salty Pepper Potts, and the character of Lt. Col. James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes (now played by Don Cheadle), everyone else is new (Scarlett Johansson and her boobs! Paul Bettany and his voice! Garry Shandling and his smirk! Sam Rockwell and his deplorable characters we want to hate, yet end up loving! + Samuel L. Jackson not chewing up the scenery, for once!), but not much else here is new.  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Since it is a sequel, some ante of course has been upped, even if it didn’t need to be.  The action is more explody, more metallic, and some of it downright mental (the Monte Carlo scene was way badass!!), but the cluttered CGI action is its weakest link

The film, like Tony Stark, starts off a little too sure of itself, yet when he gets knocked down a few pegs by a delicious enuff, but could have been even more delicious Mickey Rourke, and starts his climb back up again, that’s when Iron Man 2 excels into ellent territory… even if the ending was a tad blase fair

Iron Man 2 is right on par with 1:  Favreau and screenwriter Justin Theroux don’t fail Stan Lee’s creations or their audience, it well exceeded our low expectations, it was dang funny and fun, and we’d be happy to see a third one, even if it is more of the same.  They say if it aint baroque, then don’t fix it!  Actually they don’t, but our AP European teacher used that joke and we’ve used it ever since.  Anywho, asking for anything more would require Christopher Nolan and there’s only so many Christopher Nolans to go round

Iron Butterflies: multiple hottttties abound (and gagged)!!!

Helena Mattsson

Katie Cleary

Anya Monzikova

Verdictgo: probably what we should have awarded #1, Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Iron pumps it up at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Losers
Boys Just Want to Have Gun
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

THE LOSERS ARE NOT LOSERS!!!!! They are winners!!!!!  Trailer makes one think otherwise, and the cast of fake Javier Bardem, Stringer Bell, annoying pretty white guy and Jason Patric don’ts exactly scream masterpiece, but the results are a crapsterpiece!!!!  There be so many bad action movies with no sense of its own ridiculousnessness, but this one is a good action movie because it embraces its ridiculousnessness!!!  And it has Zoe Saldana shaking her tail feather, and no one would ever say no to that!!!!  And Óscar Jaenada is no one we’ve ever heard of before, but the passion and coolness he injects into his character gives the Dos Equis guy a run for his pesos as the most interesting man in the world!!!!  It’s true!!  Flick reminds us a lot of the dumb fun that was The Rundown, which was directed by Peter Berg, and he wrote the first draft of The Losers (based off the Vertigo comics), with polishing off work by Zodiac scribe James Vanderbilt!!! It was directed by Sylvain White, who first stomped yards with Stomp The Yard, and here he stomps balls with some help by his yard stomper Columbus Short!!!  There are worse ways to waste time.  One of them is reading this review instead of seeing The Losers

We Have A Wiener!: we’ve already dedicated enuff TWS space to Zoe S, so here’s some love for one of the few other ladies that (briefly) appear in The Losers… that also happen to have pics up on their imdb profile

Debbie Ann Rivera, whomever the fork she is

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Losers be winning at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Brown
Brown v. The Bored & Uneducated
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Michael Caine‘s been down the shoot em up road before, as he’s gottsen Carter and filed Ipcress, but them pics were ages ago.  Since then, the artist formerly known as Maurice Micklewhite hasn’t really had the chance to pick up a gun, since he’s been recently used as a supporter of others (Batman’s butler, Clive Owen’s pot toking prof pal in Children of Men, and juss being a wise grandpa in a plethora of solid movies).  In Harry Brown, Caine’s history of violence is no longer history, and it’s a delight, cause as everyone knows old people kicking ass totally kicks ass, especially in movie form!!!  It’s a genre that always delivers, and wholly entertains, juss like body switching movies!!  Now if only someone made an old person body-switching kicking ass movie!!!!

Caine plays the title character, a pensioner who’s had enuff of the street hooligans (including Skins‘ Jack O’Connell) running rampant round his downtrodden South London housing estate (see below for more on the actual location).  After his BFF (David Bradley, that creepy Hogwarts caretaker dude) is killed by some of dem cockney slang slingers, and the police are, naturally, of no help (although Emily Mortimer tries), he decides takes matters into his own hands.  WATCH OUT YOU DANG KIDS, CAUSE GRAMPY’S PISSED AND COMING AFTER YOU!!!!

Brown is slain and pimple the UK’s answer to Gran Torino, with oodles more grit and violence (the one scene inside the drug dealer’s lair is scary as fork!!!), yet isn’t exactly able to dispense the emotional wallop quite like Eastwood’s modern day masterpiece did.  No knock against Daniel Barber‘s directorial debut, cause his geezer Death Wish is a delicious and diligent vigilante fantasy, but old Dirty Harry’s always gonna beat out old Harry Brown in any comparison… unless of course they switch bodies!!

Estatements: you knows we loves rundown London neighborhoods as movie backdrops, or maybe you didn’t, but you should loves em too!  Harry Brown took place and was filmed in the hellhole known as the Aylesbury Estate.  czech out these here beautiful/ugly pics

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Harry carries it in NY/LA/SF & Chi-twon today and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Square
The Jittered of Oz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

A married man (David Roberts) and a married woman (Claire van der Boom) are having a steamy love affair with one another (are there any other kinds of affairs?).  One day, after the woman finds a bag full of cash that her Billy Ray Cyrus mulleted hubby (Anthony Hayes) hid in their house, she comes up with the not so golden idea to steal it and run off with her lover (never heards this scenario befores!!).  Lover thinks it’s crazy at first, but since it’s a movie and he lusts after her sweet bippy they go ahead with it (and what a sweet bippy!!  see below).  Plan is to steal money first, have house burned to ground by someone is not be them, and live happily ever after.  Don’t works like that!!!  Billy Ray Cyrus’ mom in house when burns down and from there all hell breaks loose. It’s all purty typical noir stuffs with Murphy’s Law enacted at every given chance, cept there’s one big difference: The Square hails from Down Under (that’s Australia, if you didn’t know)!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Credit the brothers Edgerton (director Nash, who’s mainly a stunt man by day, and writer/actor Joel, whom you might remember as a young Owen Lars) with not being very original (‘Edgerton’ muss be Aussie for ‘Coen’), but keeping the oh no, oh snap & oh craps rolling til the very end.  Now that’s a knife noir!!!

van der Boom Goes The Dynamite: Claire van der Boom?  more like Claire va va van vrooom!!  she was also in HBO’s The Pacific and in our Outback dreams, bloomin our onions!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Square is currently hip to a limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…