Uncle Boonmee Who
Can Recall His Past Lives
(Loong Boonmee Raleuk Chat)
Mumble In The Jungle
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Yes, Apichatpong Weerasethakul‘s Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives is one of the greatesteststest movie titles since 2 Fast 2 Furious, but it is not one of the greatestestesteest movies ever like 2 Fast 2 Furious, despite winning the Palme d’Or at last year’s Cannes and the praises of others who have been singing loud about it. So what’s the big deal? Dunno. Boonmee‘s a spiritual journey, with no real twists or turns or anything resembling what us westerners refer to as a story, juss a lotta lush Thai countryside footage and some interesting stuff that isn’t used nearly enuff… like the catfish that Uncle B might have been in a former life!! Being a catfish doesn’t sound all that interesting, but what if we told you that this particular catfish pleasures women by swimming under their gowns and making them groan??? Yeah, we’d wanna see more of that strange Asian sexual fetish hotness too, but all we get is one scene of fish on fish grime. More like BOO-youu!! Even worser is the under-usage of Uncle B’s long lost son who is now some sorta totally creepy/scary/scary-creepy ghost monkey with glowing red eyes (see pic above/gif below)!!!! No, we do not require an explanation about what the F the ghost monkeys is be, but all we ask is that all the other boring sh#t in this movie get tossed aside so we can have a horror movie about red-eyed ghost monkeys haunting jungles and hunting down people or something!!! LOOK AT THEM EYES!!! They make Jawas look as lame as Wawa employees!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Adjustment Bureau
Fedorable
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Don’t know about you, but we never really cared all that much for Inception and its udder pretty petty nonsense.  Sure, it was a cool-ass looking and feeling movie, but it was a brainy confusing overload, for something that really wasn’t all that brainy or confusing when you actually thought about it.  9 dreams within a dream may sound crazy, but it’s not, cause we say so.  So, if yer like us, and wanted Inception to be leaner, cleaner and simpler, you’ll probably super-enjoy George Nolfi‘s take on Philip K. Dick‘s short story Adjustment Team, cause it’s like all the fun and mystery of Inception, but without all the overdone hullabaloo.  It’s also one of the better K Dick screen treatments, and in general, an all-around delightful little love story between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  Wish there were more romantic flicks like this one and less ones like all the other crap that blows smelly farts into theaters every month.  Wish John Slattery could star in something where he didn’t have to wear a fedora.  Wish Anthony Mackie could be my BFF, cause he just looks like such a rad dude, with such a smooth-ass mustache!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Worth A Peepers

Take Me Home Tonight
License To Reheat
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Had little expectations going into the 80s throwback flick Take Me Home Tonight, but came out with nothing but a giant smile plastered on our faceses.  Sure, it’s not anything all that ingenious, but it was neither nor ignoramus either!  It’s like a leaner, cleaner and simpler Hot Tub Time Machine, and it’s actually better too, which isn’t saying much, cause HTTM isn’t really all that good, despite what you think or remember.  In TMHT, Topher Grace does his lovable dork thing he was typecast born to do, Teresa Palmer makes us forget that that actress chick from Twilight exists, Anna Faris does nothing, Chris Pratt is stupid, but in a different way, Demetri Martin is kinda good for like twice, and Dan Fogler proves once again that’s he’s the funniest heavy in comedies.  Dear Hollywurst, please give all of Jack Black’s roles to Fogler.  Dear Dan Fogler’s manager, please get him better movies, but not like Gulliver’s Travels… starring Jack Black.  Oh, and any movie that puts Angie Everhart‘s boobs on display is probably something worth watching, or at least JOing to!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Of Gods And Men
(Des hommes et Des Dieux)
Holy Snoozefest!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In some Muslim country, some priests or monks or something (including Lambert Wilson and Michael Lonsdale) live at a monastery on top of a mountain.  They help the local poor people with medicine, clothing, food, and divine guidance.  Then one day some bad terrorists Muslim dudes come to the area and the priests/monks have to decide whether to flee or stay put.  This conundrum gets discussed over and over for what seems like 29838238 hours before they decide to stay put, cause giving up on the locals and themselves seems like the wrong thing to do.  Well, apparently staying was the wrong thing to do cause the terrorists show up in the end and kill a bunch of the holy men. Yep, we juss ruined the entire movie for ya cause you deserve to be spared from this borefest.  Even after we learned at the end that this was a true story, it didn’t help to turn it into a good true story

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Boonmee and Gods must be crazy, currently in limited release, while Tonight and Bureau are studio fun rocking out at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Vidal Sassoon: The Movie
Hairing Is Caring
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Dude, Doogtooth!! you’d think a documentary about a straight Jewish Englishman who cuts chicks’ hair wouldn’t be worth watching, and in most cases you’d probably be right, but we’ve only seen one documentary about a straight Jewish Englishman who cuts chicks’ hair, and if this thighly entertaining lil lap round his revolutionary saloon and haircare product line is any indication, maybe there’s a giant future in documentaries about straight Jewish Englishmen who cut chicks’ hair!!!  Plus any movie that talks about the bob’s comeback is a friend of What About Bobbed‘s, and a friend of What About Bobbed’s is a friend of ours, and is of Garfy‘s and all the hot chicks from other countries that aren’t America!!! Remember, if you don’t look good, he doesn’t look good, and then his bank statement doesn’t look good

Sassooner or Later: look, you may still think this doc or he is a joke, but the pixie cut he gave Mia Farrow for Rosemary’s Baby was and is no joke!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Vidal is currently a cut above all the other hair designer docs in NY & LA only, and Chicago soon, and elsewhere elsewhen???

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Biutiful
A Lesson, A Kiss, A Prayer & 86 Other Things Before Dying
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

21 Grams, Babel, and Amores Perros are three hauntingly excellent films that we’d never want to sit thru the pain of again.  Thanks, or no thanks, Mr Alejandro González Iñárritu!!  How bout making a happy film about humanity for once????  Guess you’re incapable of doing so, and even if yer latest Biutiful is one ugly mother, and not necessarily as potent as the three mentioned above, we’ll still take it, cause pretty movies are for sissies, and are released in the summer. At least Mr Iñárritu isn’t going anymore global than he did in Babel, cause where else could he go to contemplate man’s deficiencies, Uranus?

All the action and in-action of Biutiful occurs in one place (Barcelona), but the communication breakdown remains the same.  This time we gots Spanish thugs & cops & thuggish cops trying to take down and keep in bidness Chinese sweatshop owners who create knock off goods for Senegalese street vendors to peddle.  In the middle of it all is the complex character of Uxbal (Javier Bardem, our mos flavorite actor going, and the real reason to see this).  He’s got a whore of a wife (Maricel Álvarez, but who would touch this woman, even for free???), who sleeps with his brother, a cad who wants to sell their already buried father’s gravesite real estate for cash, and when Uxbal’s not out micromanaging the Chinese and the Senegalese folk, he’s got two kids (Hanaa Bouchaib and Guillermo Estrella, a lil bit more adorable than the Focker kids) to tend to.  Oh, did we mention that ole Uxy can talk to the dead AND juss found out that he’s gonna die within a few months on top of all this sense-non?????  What, you were expecting a walk in the park?  Expect a kick in the groin!!  Iñárritu much???  Maybe not enough!!!

Wait For It: there’s a scene in a strip club where the women have nipples on their butts, and it’s kinda creepy, and it’s also kinda hot, and since the internet is failing us right now, we can only tell and not show.  sorry

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Biutiful is full in NY/LA on December 29th, and elsewhere January 28th!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Little Fockers
RNing On Empty?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We didn’t pay to see this and we’re not getting paid to write this, but Fockers 3 was not awful.  Heck, we kinda sorta maybe really did maybe sorta kinda enjoy it.  Really.  Same thing applied with #2, where the jokes were often thin & flat, but we could not help but smile the whole way thru.  Sure, #3 has nothing new to add to the series (bits are recycled, and you can always see the troubles & foibles brewing 5 minutes before they happen) and story-wise, there’s nowhere really to go (eggcept to the bank to cash dem giant paycheck$$$$$), but we juss really like seeing these actors plays these characters, and interact with one another!!  We do!  Maybe you don’t, and if you don’t, then don’t see this, and you probably won’t.  Reel talk!!!

In the beginning, it seems like the Focker twins (chubby darlings Daisy Tahan & Colin Baiocchi) will be the focus, which would only make sense since this adventure is called Little Fockers, but quicker than you can say ‘Jinxy’, their cares & worries (like getting into some nutty school led by a barely used Laura Dern. Harvey Keitel is in this too and is also barely used too) are thrown under a bus so we can focus on what we all (didn’t) paid to see: Ben Stiller earning the approval, losing the approval, earning it again, losing it again and finally cementing the approval of father-in-law Robert De Niro, while his wife Teri Polo (remember her… nekkid?? NSFW) and mother-in-law Blythe Danner stand on the sidelines smiling & shruging.  Did someone hit the repeat button??  At least they had the decency to let Owen Wilson‘s WASPy Lothario get some more screen love in this go around, and limiting Focker parents Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand‘s overly schlocky Jewishnessness

And how about Jessica Alba, as the drug rep out to steal Stiller’s heart away, at such an inopportune time when his whole family is coming together?  Lets juss say that every time she speaks, acting is set back 10 generations, and women may lose their right to vote, and be sent back to the kitchen.  There needs to be a rise in silent movies so she can become a silent film star!!!!!  FOCK HER!!!!

Fonda Got A Motor In Da Back of Her Honda:

meat Olga Fonda

Verdictgo: somehow, some way, at least to us… Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fockers is edible un-comfort food at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Somewhere
Found In Native Tongue
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Is it OK if directors repeat themselves?  Depends on the director, and depends if the previously rolled joint is worth re-sparking.  Aronofsky’s Wrestler paved the same beaten down road that his Black Swan walked along, and while both are similarly themed, they each stand tall on their own merits (AND stinkin badges!!).  So how about Sofia Coppola basically reworking her (overrated) Lost In Translation into a fractured father-daughter relationship story set against the bright lights and big citydumb of LA’s Chateau Marmont (no virgin to the screen!) & other lush locales??????  We’re sure you’ll disagree, but we liked the round 2 version, Somewhere, much more than we did round 1!!!! Maybe it’s cause Tokyo’s too Japanese or that ScarJo scarblows or Translation juss wasn’t that wonderful a trifle as everyone made it out to be.  Somewhere isn’t the be all, cee all and end all, and Stephen Dorff aint no Bill Murray, but Elle Fanning = elles yea times like 2999290403030!!!!!!!!!  Move over Dakota, cause yer sister is the new moon eclipsing your secret life of bees wax!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come to think of it, Ms Fanning delivers the first real memorable female performance in any of Sofia’s films.  Sorrry, Dunsty, but we don’t remember much about The Virgin Suicides other than the soundtrack by Air, and the same goes for whatever was goings on in the pointlessly anachronistic Marie Antoinette (we upchucked on yer inclusion of Chuck Taylors!!).  Come to think of it again, Sofia’s flicks are all atmosphere and no physical sphere, and that’s hactually fine by us, cause it works for once in the nowhere bound Somewhere!!  It’s kinda like Entourage w/o an entourage (although we get some visits from Chris Pontius, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Monaghan, Alden Ehrenreich & Benicio Del Toro), meets The Royal Tennenbaums, minus 2 siblings and the twee ‘tude + Dakota Fanning’s sister + the guy who was suppose to be the next Christian Slater who was suppose to be the next Jack Nicholson, but they both wasn’ts!!  And the soundtrack rox!!!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming!!!

Back to Fanning!!!!  Oh my oh my my my my my, she is beyond a delight here!!!  A revelation if you will.  A revelation even if you won’t!!!  All she wants is her father’s love and attention, and the guy’s more jaded than a woman named Jade wearing jade earrings while watching the movie Jade for the 281819th time!!  And guess what, the Elle bell gets screen daddy Dorff to break out of his funk, crack a smile, enjoy life, and be an a daddy who cares for once!!  If she can make the Dorfster character care, then you’ll find yerself caring too!!

There was a perfect moment for the film to end, when father & daughter are in a very happy place, basking in the sun poolside, but the movie decides it needs to keep going, somewhere, anywhere, and yet nowhere near as good as that moment.  Oh well moment!  So where does Sofs Coppola go after this?  Same place or somewhere else?  Don’t care, as long as Elle Fanning is the co-pilot

Pole Position: woooowzeerrss!!!!  so much hotness in one movie, from our coast to other people’s coastsests!!!!  where to start?  where to end???

The Shannon Twins

[NSFW] (& their award worthy pole dancing!!!)

Lauren Hastings

Nicole Trunfio

Libby Mintz

Verdictgo:  mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers, but Elle’s performance almos makes us want to tag it Breast In Showness!!!! ALMOS!!

Somewhere goes to some select cities this Wednesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

ELLES YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!