Thighs Wide Shut

The Other Woman
Woeman
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Hey look, it’s Natalie Portman, in a movie!!!!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, now didja???  Don’t worry, she aint gettin busy with Ashton Kutcher in this one, and she is back in the bustle & muscle of NY, but no tutu frutu bidness this time round, but she does gots herself a different bundle of pressures & worries, but watching her go thru them and dealing with em here aint nearly as awesomes or satisfying as watching her masturbating.  Can’t that juss be a requirement of all of her movie roles going forward?  Damn you The Other Woman for having none of that finger sticking goodness!!!

Her pressures & worries here include be: getting over the death of her newborn daughter (is this Rabbit Hole 2?  did anyone actually see Rabbit Hole 1?), not annoying her husband (normal, yet strange to get a grip on actor Scott Cohen), whom she stole away from his controlling first wife (Lisa Kudrow, in full-on fun bitch mode), and trying to win the approval of their offspring and her stepson, a highly intelligent, thighly awkward Jesse Eisenberg in training (Charlie Tahan, who is also the reincarnation of Steve Zahn at age 13, and also real-life brother to fellow actress Daisy Tahan).  Shiz aint certainly easy, and disappointingly enuff, Portman aint eggzactly up to the task here (not to be confused with Steve Tasker).  She’s too white swan, and not enuff gray swan!!!

The movie’s directed by Don Roos (The Opposite of Sex), from a novel with a better name by Ayelet Waldman, and while we don’t expect explosions from a $7 budget, we do expect something a lil more than something that feels like a first feature that has problems trying to sort out all of Portman’s problems that she’s having problems trying to problem solve (maybe that’s one of the reasons that this has been sitting on the shelf for over 2 years!).  Still, can’t really hate on a movie that employs red-headers Lauren Ambrose and Anthony Rapp (we’re not gay, but we fell in love with him when he was a teen in Adventures In Babysitting), and that Charlie Tahan kid is totally a fantastic lil budding actor who one day may be the next Steve Zahn, if he isn’t already Steve Zahn!?!?!??!?!

and apparently we’re not alone in this Tahan-Zahn thought!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Woman aint something Otherly today in NY/LA only, but is already avails on-demand!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Little Fockers
RNing On Empty?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We didn’t pay to see this and we’re not getting paid to write this, but Fockers 3 was not awful.  Heck, we kinda sorta maybe really did maybe sorta kinda enjoy it.  Really.  Same thing applied with #2, where the jokes were often thin & flat, but we could not help but smile the whole way thru.  Sure, #3 has nothing new to add to the series (bits are recycled, and you can always see the troubles & foibles brewing 5 minutes before they happen) and story-wise, there’s nowhere really to go (eggcept to the bank to cash dem giant paycheck$$$$$), but we juss really like seeing these actors plays these characters, and interact with one another!!  We do!  Maybe you don’t, and if you don’t, then don’t see this, and you probably won’t.  Reel talk!!!

In the beginning, it seems like the Focker twins (chubby darlings Daisy Tahan & Colin Baiocchi) will be the focus, which would only make sense since this adventure is called Little Fockers, but quicker than you can say ‘Jinxy’, their cares & worries (like getting into some nutty school led by a barely used Laura Dern. Harvey Keitel is in this too and is also barely used too) are thrown under a bus so we can focus on what we all (didn’t) paid to see: Ben Stiller earning the approval, losing the approval, earning it again, losing it again and finally cementing the approval of father-in-law Robert De Niro, while his wife Teri Polo (remember her… nekkid?? NSFW) and mother-in-law Blythe Danner stand on the sidelines smiling & shruging.  Did someone hit the repeat button??  At least they had the decency to let Owen Wilson‘s WASPy Lothario get some more screen love in this go around, and limiting Focker parents Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand‘s overly schlocky Jewishnessness

And how about Jessica Alba, as the drug rep out to steal Stiller’s heart away, at such an inopportune time when his whole family is coming together?  Lets juss say that every time she speaks, acting is set back 10 generations, and women may lose their right to vote, and be sent back to the kitchen.  There needs to be a rise in silent movies so she can become a silent film star!!!!!  FOCK HER!!!!

Fonda Got A Motor In Da Back of Her Honda:

meat Olga Fonda

Verdictgo: somehow, some way, at least to us… Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fockers is edible un-comfort food at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…