Young Adult
Blurting With Disaster
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Charlize Theron is a recently divorced, soon to be unemployed YOUNG ADULT ghost writer, who’s looking for something to do other than watch endless hours of reality garbage on E!.  So instead of facing her own pathetic reality, she returns to her jane average Minnesota hometown to dig up her old high school fantasy – re-capture the heart of her hunky former flame Patrick Wilson and live happily ever after.  Big problem – he’s married (to perky clean 5-headed Elizabeth Reaser) and has a newborn baby.  You know that this quest is thighly questionable and has a 9999% chance of not ending well.  Either she steals her former man and breaks a home OR she fails and destroys everything she touches.  Enjoy!!

Hactually, at times, the restrained Jason Reitman directed / Diablo Cody written film (‘restrained’ is a word we never expected to use to describe ANYTHING either of these two wacky kids have done did do) is enjoyable – Theron goes cruel angry on everyone and it’s funny & Patton Oswalt goes gimpy spiteful and it’s delightful, but there’s almos too much bleakness abound, and this runaway train has only one destination – DESTRUCTIONVILLE!!!!  And when we actually get there, it’s kinda like oh, OK, now what’s suppose to happen, and then the movie ends, with not much accomplished eggcept showing off Charlize’s ability to make us laugh, which we guess is OK, but where’s the hamburger phone gagging us with a bloggerino?  NOT!!!

moral of the story: Young Adult is the least annoying, pretentiousousousous, and diarrheaed-dialoged movie Reitman or Cody has ever been involved in, and yet it’s a fragmented frumpy un-fairy tale of cut downs and not much up-dogs.  What does that mean?  No idea.  Better question – is the Diablo honeymoon over?  Yes.  She won an Oscar for blogging about teens using hamburger phones, and hasn’t been able to top that thus far…  although we didn’t find Hamburger Phone Blogging: The Movie all that tops to begin with.  moral of this paragraph?  We’d probably rather watch Agent Cody Banks than something by Diablo Cody.  Maybe?

Hold The Phone: who wants a freaking hamburger phone when you can have a…

HAMBURGER BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: low low low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Young Adult doesn’t grow up today in limited release, and elsewhenelsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hugo
Méliès-y Shady of Winner
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 127 min

So, there’s this orphan kid (Asa Butterfield) who lives and works in the clocks of a Parisian train station.  When he’s not being chased by Sacha Baron Cohen with a mustache, he’s trying to re-build Bicentennial man.  When he’s not doing that, he’s stealing stuff from cranky ole toymaker Ben Kingsley.  When he’s not doing that, he’s hanging out with Kingsley’s ‘daughter’ Chloë Moretz, who is way too mature hot for being a 14 year old.  399393939 movie hours pass of them two kids running around, causing minor mischief and making endless lil ragamuffin faces, while also borrowing books from Christopher Lee, and listening to a bearded Michael Stuhlbarg talk about his boner for pioneer filmmaker Georges Méliès

Wait, what does Méliès have to do with all this?  Well ya see, Kingsley is not only a cranky ole toymaker, but HE’S ALSO GEORGES MÉLIÈS!!!!  But he doesn’t care about movies anymore, CAUSE OF WORLD WAR and MOVIES BEING TURNED INTO SHOES or something, but the kids care and so does his wife (Helen McCrory) and so does Martin Scorsese, who turns the last brilliant third of this movie into a love letter to early cinema AND a giant PSA for film preservation!!

moral of the story: it’s a kid’s movie where all the great stuff is about the adults.  the kids stuff should have been thrown out the window and this baby shoulda been all about Méliès, cause Kingsley hands in a f#$king crowning achievement performance as the cinemagician.  also, there should have been a naughty sex scene between SB Cohen and Emily Mortimer.  also, the 3-D is not as great as everyone’s making it to be.  also, they should have cut out 98% of the kids stuff and replaced it with 3-D clips of how hot Louise Brooks was, or maybe with some modern 3-D hotness like this!

Toying Around: art imitates life

Verdictgo: last third is beyond breast in show, but the first two-thirds keeps it a Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Hugo is quasi-moto-awesome currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

but before we go, imagine if Asa and Kodi Smit-McPhee switched Chloë movies!!!  LET THIS IN!!!

Chloë 9ever!!!

Sleeping Beauty
Olden Slumber
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 104 min

Boy do we love ourselves some Emily Browning, maybe more than you would ever care to know, but maybe you do care to know, cause she’s so awakeningly beautiful (and talented) and if you don’t agree, then you don’t know what beauty is.  Now that we’ve cleared that up…

We’re still trying to expunge the vomit left in our mouth by watching Sucker Punch, which Browning unfortunately headlined, and in her latest work, Julia Leigh‘s Sleeping Beauty, that taste of vomit has been replaced by the saliva dripping out of the mouths of dirty old rich men.  Gross.  Indeed.  But that saliva aint just a taste in our mouths, it’s on-screen drool being applied to EB’s hot nekkid body as she lies in a sedated state.  Eeeek!!  Indeed!!!

Sleeping Beauty may be a bit too distant and hazy to fully sink yer teeth into, and offers up next to zero in the smiles department, but why should a movie about a lil lost naif looking to pay the bills as a call-girl, who offers pretty much anything to her clients but ‘no penetration’, not be hard to penetrate?  It’s a grueling viewing experience, but one you’ll barely be able to take your eyes off of.  It still doesn’t hurt looking at nekkid women, even if the sexual stuff they’re participating in isn’t exactly sexy (please note – the movie’s not as raunchy as we may be making it out to be)

Browning sizzles in the bare-all role (she aint a kid no mo!), and co-stars Rachael Blake and Ewen Leslie are icy hot in cryptic roles as her madame and a lyrical house-bound friend, respectively.  Blake in particular, whom we’ve never seen in a film before, is f#%king brilliant in the film.  Since the Academy has no rhyme or reason for handing out Oscar nominations, Oscar nominated her a$$.  We mean, look at her!!!  She is both haunting and taunting, and we juss want to listen to her quiet, but strong voice say things all day long

moral of the story: if David Lynch were to ever make a movie about an Australian college girl wiggling her way into an underground world of classy sleaze, it would probably look somewhat like Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty.  Morose and gross, but beautifully sleepy all the same, this baby will keep yer eyes wide open, even if there’s NO PENETRATION (house rules)!!

Poster Boaster:  it doesn’t get munch better than this!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sleeping Beauty awakes today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Descendants
Hawaiian Punch Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 115 min

It’s an Alexander Payne movie, so cue the anger, the yelling and some yokel dolted side players, but it’s in Hawaii, so life’s a breeze, right??? It’s not (we mentioned it was an Al Payne movie, right?), and now it’s George Clooney‘s turn to play a Payned middle-aged moper (please lord, don’t give him an acting Oscar), and mope he mos certainly does at the bedside of his comatose wife, but he’s trying to keep up appearances for his two daughters (Shailene Woodley and Amara Miller) that he doesn’t really no how to care for, and then to make Alexander Payne movie matters worse, Clooney finds out that his wife was cheating on him with Matthew Lillard (we never forgot you!!) and he had no clue, and he’s now all kinds of conflicted (how can you be mad at a woman in a coma!!)!!  Feelings will be searched, bonds will be bonded, Hawaiian shirts will be worn and epiphanies will be reached, like how heritage sometimes trumps money!!  Plus we get to rock out to Hawaiian music with the likes of Rob Huebel, Beau Bridges, Robert Forster, Judy Greer and Michael Ontkean!!  Plus we get handed this really dumbed up kid (Nick Krause) who serves no real purpose besides being a punching bag for one scene, but his face should have been punched in every scene, but really,  he shouldn’t have been in a single scene.  So what happens?  Stuff and it’s fine and good and things and all, but it’s like a hang 7 instead of a 10

moral of the story:  think hanging a 7 instead of a 10 explains it all.  and Clooney schmooney, but Lillard is ill-yard, yo!

Never Change:

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Descendants is currently breaking waves in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Muppets
Reconnecting The Rainbow
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 98 min

The 2011 Muppet movie accomplishes two very simple goals – it makes us oldie folkies remember the long forgotten Muppets, and introduces them wacky puppets to a whole new generation of moppets.  Other than that?  It’s got a lot of good positive energy and a lot of crappy cameos (it’s like The Hangover meets the cast of CBS’ comedy line-up.  WOW!!!  NOT!!!!!!).  OK, so David Grohl as fake-ish Animal was solid like rock candy, but James Carville????  More like lame-e-o!!!  Other than that? It rightfully employs Flight of The Conchordser Bret McKenzie to pen some very muppetish songs, and the show’s director James Bobin, to ringmaster the madness.  The Muppets hactually feels like an extended episode of Conchords, cept without the actual Conchords.  Kinda would have rather seen Bret & Jemaine debate being a man or a muppet than Jason Segel and that kid on that geek show no one watches.  Still, The Muppets is fun, despite taking any real chances or leaps.  Well, they did take a chance by introducing a new muppet named Walter, but Walter is so whatevs.snoreszzz that you’ll hope like we do that he gets cut from the next flick.  EAT IT WALTER!!!!

moral of the story: new Muppet movie is be good, but if you want to (re)introduce Kermit & Co to today’s world, why not juss re-release the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational original Muppet Movie from 1979??? we recently saw it before seeing the new one, and we muss say, it has more danger and excitement in 5 measly minutes than the new one has over 90.  and the cameos?  don’t even get us started on the radness of the cameos!!!!

Glad Mag: spanks to Golden Dispencer, we’ve un-forgotten the Muppet Magazine!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Muppets move right along, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…