Thighs Wide Shut

• Tit’s official: I’m no longer Coachella bound and gagged. Me juss sold my ticket. Blame my friends who like want to get married and shiz. But when you alls are out there, eat a churro and frozen chocolate covered banana at the same time in my honor. May the thighs be with you, my children.

• 007: Blueyes?

• Lohan NOT pumping up the volume? Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.

• Gorillaz to tour North America this summer. No more details than that, but plenty more info on the new disc here.

• Senator Jon Corzine, David Geffen, Viacom co-chief Tom Freston, Barry Diller, Tina Brown, Gwyneth Paltrow, AND Warren Beatty to team up for a Super Blizoog? This b’sphere is gettin too redonkelous. I may have to quit the game.

• Darren Aronofsky, the next Stanley Kubrick? Dunno, but it’s safe to assume his next ditty, The Fountain, will be off the meat rack! [via AICN]

• Is Ali G a rip-off?

• The govern-mint hearts Nirvana

• Double barrel peace the fork out Prince ‘I Boned Grace Kelly & U Didn’t’ Rainier AND Saul ‘Mellow’ Bellow.

• You know what, the American version of The Office isn’t as bad as I initially thought. Last night’s ep was purty darn funny. And although she’s no Dawn Tinsley, I think I’m in love with Pam Beesly. Btw, even Google still knows which Office is bestest…

• New episodes of Six Feet Wonder begin airing June 6th, on it’s new night: Mondays!

• Peep the new Wonka TV spot.

• Somebody bought Ralphie’s house from A Christmas Story. [via Core-Vette]

• Anti Monkey Butt Powder

• Justin, I have no idear where u find all yer fine hi-res photogs (like these of Katie Holmes & her smeared lipstick), but bless you a zillion times over. If you were a woman, I’d kiss you and give u 20 minutes of finger banging pleasure. In the meantime, I’ll make love to these Mandy MO ones!! Can you say HRT the IIIrd???? Or is that spot reserved for Camilla-Parker-Bros-Bowl-Cut?

• [Peas Note: I know nothing of politics, cept that I love a good parade AND free buttons!] All hail Mayor Mikey Bloomberg!! What, you a hater? How could be raggin on my man who green-lit the Gates AND be close to gettin us AN NFeffinL STADIUM, a Super Bowl, AND the Oryimpics!?!! And who cares if he controls the media? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Now if only we can get him to love the gays, then he’d be my most favorite person Mt Everest next to Billy Zabka. And who would you rather have in hizoooner’s place? Franz Forking Fernando Ferrer? Mark my slurs: You should never trust a man with a mustache. Hispecially one who has a blog that leo getz less comments than I’s! Or maybe, au jus maybe, FFFF should hire ME to be his publicity manager and pep up his boring-arsed campaign! Juss think of the pastabilititities…

• Smoking Gun’s gots Jeff Weise’s ‘Target Practice’ cartoon. Eerie, Indiana Minnesota.

• Thighs, it’s not what you think [via Typo]

• A third Gorillaz LP not far behind??? If Damon put together an album of farts and me screaming about how bad microwaved tuna fish smells, it would still be gene by genius. [via The Blower of Maple Leafs]

• Gotta love the Drunken Stepdaddy: Dunstin’s Nips check in & Pam in saran

• What’s scarier than this cat that looks like a shriveled penis? I dunno, but dis comes close: Billy Corgan and Robert Smith dueting The Bee Gee’s ‘To Love Somebody’.

• Is this considered news in Engrland? I guess that’s why they call London, the new New York!

• NYers, Bostoners, DCists, and Chipeoples, you can all see the Donnie Darko Director’s Cut fo free! BONUS for NYCers: suffer for FREE thru Fever Pitch!

• Own yer own Gestapo Soup Shop or Scott and Laci Peterson’s former restaurant. [via Made of Brawny]

• I’ve got you covered [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Napoleon Dynamite Numa Numa Dance

• A bunch of Asian boobie animated gifs [NSFW Junk via UselessJunk]

• The Longest Bird Penis Ever [via WTF Peeps]

• I’m being Xtreme-lee liz-azy this morn and didn’t plan on any April Foolishness Elliot Ness-ness. Boo is me. Maybe I’ve been too busy being a fool in love (Frankie Lymon stizzle stick stee-lo style) with this 2/3 NSFW clip of Cuthbert getting some in the back seat of a car to the sweet sounds of David Gray, or this pic of her punching herself…

• Aiiight folks, tit’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: THE VERY FIRST SAUCY VOICE MAIL MEGA REMIX ’05!! (hear the orig one here), which was conceived and created by The President of the Tom Welling Fan Club and yers drooly. This could be the greatistest thing I’ve ever been a part of besides competing and winning the White Castle eating contest in college. Please pass it around cause we hope to be bigger than those losers over at JibJab by the end of the weak.

• I don’t know what to make of the flick Domino (view trailer), the real life story of actor Lawrence Harvey’s daughter who was a model turned bounty hunter. Every clip I see with Keira Knightley in it whets my whistle and strokes my bristles, but then when Monique and Lucy Liu rear their ugly heads, I question it’s awesomeabilitynessness. Then again, it also co-stars Dabney Coleman, Ian Ziering, AND Brian Austin Green, so you know it’s going to be the bee’s fleas! Couldn’t they at least have thrown Joe E Tata a bone?

• De La Rules, flying windmills, and cartoon asscrack? Sounds like wees got a brand new Gorillaz vid on our hands (WIN or REAL)! Rock the HOUSE!

• This is plain whoreibble

• Spot The DEAD Drummer

• Orlando Boring to play a young Bond? I guess that means that the movie will be set sometime before the 20th century and will involve swords. Wait a second, now I hear that Clive’s snagged the role. Hopefully for everyone’s sake, that’s true.

• Gross. 2 gross.

• Postcards From The Edge… of the Galaxy

• Andie MacDowell turns on her highbeams

• Lessons Learned from Just One of the Guys

• Big name rappers’ are being bribed by Mickey D’s to drop some ‘Big Macs’ in their lyrics next to all the titties, a$$es, name calling, and gun toting. I’m looking to strike a similar deal with Popeyes Fried Chicken. And if anyone from the head office is reading, I will eggcept biscuits as payment.

• Officials ‘Crack’ the Da Vinci Code

• Unleavened Baby

• While some be hatin on superhottie Devon Aoki, I be spankin on dat shiz fo reals! I think my infatuation started when I saw her rocking that plaid skirt in 2 Fast, 2 Furious, and then was brought to a whole new level when I saw her in D.E.B.S.… wearing another plaid skirt. Grant tomb it, she aint no gifted actress, but there’s juss something about her that makes me want to pour soy sauce and wasabi all over her body and snort it thru my penishole. Plus it doesn’t hurt that her father is Rocky Aoki, owner of Benihana’s Japanese Restaurants and her godmother is supermodel Kate Moss (two places I enjoy eating at)! Anywho, whilst everyone’s been creaming at the mouth for Yessica Alba and her Sin City lassoness, we have all taken for granite the other honies in the movie, namely Devon, with those oh so applelicious rosey cheeks. Remember I’m just spittin’. Once bitten, forever smitten! So much so that I’m dubbing her the very first Thighcubine.

• Apparently it wasn’t Vince Gallo’s knob that gots vacuumed in The Brown Bunny by Chloe Smellingny, but some dude named Jacob Christner. Snot only that, but said dude has yet to be paid for his ‘work’. I did some sleuthin’ and to yer left, methinks this is what J-Christner looks like (here’s another pic) [via]. I don’t know what’s worser: sucking that guy’s kak or being pleasured by Chloe Uglyevny.

• The Shop Le Products, of NYC, has dug up the first single ‘Feel Good Inc’ (WIN or REAL) off of the Gorillaz 4thcumin cd, Demon Days. Since that and ‘Dirty Harry’ are money to my ears, there is no doubt in my resin drenched mind that this is going to be the album of the year of the Rooster.

• The O.C. gots picked up for a third season. What storylines lie ahead in our future? I’d like to see Summer get hit by a bus, Caleb impregnating an alien, Sandy getting his brows plucked, or the pen(is)ultimate: Marissa and Kirsten Nichols Cohen gettin all into carpets and the munching of them.

• How Not To Win Friends In Hollywood, by Lindsay Lohan

• Warm it up Kris. I’m about to.

• Zzzzzzz, part 4

• This guy is a real genius. Not to be confused with Lazlo from Real Genius. [via City RagDoll]

• Last noche I was dragged to the Black Crowes show at Hammerstein by my Naptown buddy Private Richard, and to my sirprize, I had a smashingly good time. I was suppose to see them play with Oasis at RCMH years ago, but no thanks to Duncan Hines (long story), I had to leave the show early. Anywho, they sounded franztastic. Sure, I haven’t listened to anything new since the days of ‘Remedy’, but I felt like I knew every single song they was playin’. Plus it didn’t hurt that I kept ogling Kate Hudson the whole night and thinking about her awful choices in filmdom. Raising Helen anyone?

• Making a rhombicosidodecahedron

• Pet Pillows

• How to really confuse your party guests [via Core-Vette]

• Need a reason to be hatin’ on Christians? Who else would make YESsica Alba feel ashamed for having such a killer’s hot fussy body. It’s so curvaceous and blogvacious that they should canonize her like St Cuthbert. Speaking of, although Alba’s bum (Album) ruffles my bag of Ruffles, I want to make it purrrfectly clear that HRT the II is still the uncontested Queen of Thighland and my heart.

• So tell me again, why do we need guns in this country? Seriously, do u need one? Does it make you feel like a real man? Do you watch too much Deadwood or sumtang? What’s yer effin deal pal? Oh, you pissed at me? Why don’t you come over to my .org and shoot me dead. It’ll solve all yo problems, right? I mean, only COOL people use lead pipes, ropes or other Clue weapons these days (that aren’t the revolver). Don’t bee leave me? Ask my good pal Col Mustard. But don’t you dare ask him why ‘colonel’ isn’t spelt like it sounds, ‘kernel’.

• A diet-coked up Pat O’Brien likes to leave silly voice mails on hot chicks’ cellies. Dude loves to eat a$$ apparently. [NSFW audio via The Dec West]

• Eeeeeesssh, Mishka-Mischa’s sister looks like a microwaved version of the Keds hawkin’ star. But back to more important things, like Barty-Barfon’s NSFW nippies [via The Drunk StepDaddy & The Double V]

• Everyone knows I’m a big fan of freshly-minted 18 year olds, right? Well, guess who’s party I’m crashing on the second Saturday in April at Hiro in the Maritime Hotel, sponsored by Motorola, that includes a live performance by Maroon 5? I’ll give you a hint, she’s always in a hurry and hits yellow balls with great furry. Give up? Click here. And for you my dear, the countdown continues. Boy am I sick. [via NYDN]

• Why gawd why? Not even Gabrielle Union’s crazy/beautiful selfness can save this pointless reimagining.

• Twis it jus me or does the new Weezer song ‘Beverly Hills’ (listen to a clip here) sound like ‘Undone (The Sweater Song)’. I don’t even think the lads are even trying anymore.

• Jessica Simpson Cringes When Watching ‘Newlyweds’… join the club sweetats!

• David Spade, or is it Owen Wilson, has a penis nose? [via The I-Train]

• Graham Coxon to start work on new album, then decorate his bathroom.

• A black woman will be one of 7 peeps playing Bob Dylan in biopic directed by genius Todd Haynes. I guess the times ARE a changin’. [via Made of Brawnski]

• Ricky G will not be ‘BBC’s bitch!‘

• Pulp’s ‘Common People’ illustrated by Gorillaz/Tank Girl guy Jamie Hewlett. [via Attention Baby!]

• How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once? Let the debate begin! [via My Man Markus]

• 4 dolls that scare the crap out of me.

• Ouch! [via Z de la JuicyFruithead]

• Take one guess who said this, ‘I don’t like to complain all the time, but that’s what I do for a living, and I’m lucky because there’s so much to complain about.’ Did you guess right?

• Lass nite, me & Ms Megbot attended the NY premiere of D.E.B.S.. This has got to be the bestestist AND wurstestist plaid-skirted, lesbian crime-fighting flick of all thyme. A full review is 4thcummin (like 23476742389095 others I’ve promised), but in the meantime I wanted to point out how impressed I was with the rotoscoping. Somebody hire this girl, who I hear is a champion fencer as well! And major spanks to the mooovie for reminding me of the beauty and the peach that is Jordana Brewster, who was also in attendance. Had this site been a fully operational Death Star five or so years ago, she might have easily been crowned Her Royal Thighness The I. I guess I’ll have to settle for dreaming about licking honey and brown sugar off of her bushy eyebrows. Yummy-lama-lumma-licous!