Thighs Wide Shut

• The day has finally arrived and I honestly couldn’t care less. How could that be humanly possible? I mean, this is freakin Star Wars, not Star Trek: Circumcision. Um, I dunno, but it probably has to do with the fact that George Lucas and his neck that’s the size of a Cloud City has basically taken a gynormo dump on the entire franchise and in turn, my childhood. I never understood why the backstory had to be told. We already know it. Maybe the only thing that needs clarity is how Tarkin became a Grand Moff. Anywho, although I am bitching more than a bunch of Jews paying at retail, I’m still going to see it with my pants around my ankles during all the Portman scenes tonight/tomorrow at 12:30 AM at the splendid AMC Empire (Strikes BEST) 25. See you in line? May the disappointment not be with me. Here’s hopin’!

• SummerStage finally gets around to updatin’ their site, and in the process, unveils their free concert series including the likes of M.I.A., Patti Smith, Coheed & Cambria, Tegan & Sara, John Legend, Blind Boys of Alabama, the Upright Citizens Brigade, and on one day: MC5, The Sun-Ra Arkestra, AND DJ Spooky!

• Peace the fork out #9 train?

• If Donnie Darko & Lohag had a baby, it would either look like this or this, who both oddly look a lot like him. [2nd ‘this’ via Chipper Jonesing]

• Peep the teaser trailer to da Da Vinci Code, which hasn’t even begun filming yet! Why am I all of the sudden hungry for Alpha-Bits®.

• The dude who boned Jessica Cutler is now suing her for invasion of privacy. What he really should be doing is not drawing even more attention to the fact that he actually boned her. She’s so busted, that Playboy posted her snaps on the web and thus saving their magazine readers from slitting their eyes out.

• The great Regnyouth has dug up yet another place hostin Gorillaz’ Demon Days. DON’T DELAY, DOWNLOAD TODAY!

• Why was I so nervous watching Jeopardy! last night? Hmmm, maybe cause the future of my fortunes, aka Pam ‘Ferris’ Mueller, has already fallen $13K behind the scary dude with mustache, no, not that guy with that mustache, in the ToC semi-finals. Good thing she still has a chance to catch him on tonight’s show and move onto the throwdown showdown with KJ. Some say the hottiest thing on television since Out of The World or Marblehead Manor.

• Jack Bauer to say ‘NOWWWW’ for two more seasons!!

• Grossier than gross? Courtney Love kissing Lili Taylor

• True Lies 2? Somehow they have to work in a storyline involving Eliza Dushku (Count Dooku’s real-life daughter) competing in pudding wrestling tournaments.

• Fraiser Crane in X3? [via Pakula Shaker]

• More New Order, but when are we gonna get more Maid To Order?

• The next ‘gen’ of Madden fooball on Playstation 3 looks oh so bananananas!! [via Gorilla M]

• CHEWBACCA MET WIFE AT STAR WARS CONVENTION

• PicturesOnWalls.com

• Thighs Wide Shut?

• Breastest handsoap no one knows about: Fa’s Kiwi Mix

• Hot Dog, Bun Makers Vow To Even The Score [via Witz]

• Who does this guy think he is, Pat O’Brien of the pre-Betsy’s-jealous-era?

• While mos peoples were seeing big shows early this week, like snoozefest ’87 & a reunion of a band that I’ve never heard of until they reunited, I czeched out the latest and greatest: Kasabian @ Bowery & The Bravery @ Warsaw. Both killah performances. Plus ya gotta love that each only have one album out and basically play the whole thing in about an hour. Take the Bravery’s setlist (with my really cool bed sheets as a background) for example, every single song from their album was played. Yous juss can’t beat that… cept for the fact that their guitarist looks like John Norris.

ADDED: CBS AXES 60 MINUTES WEDNESDAY!?#?!#@?%~% How will the world be able to face their hump days without the services of Steve Hartman? More importantly, what the hell is he going to do? He was on the verge of becoming the 1147832334480235435th funniest person in the world!!

[via The Superfish]
• If only Moby were here to look at us, cause we is beautiful.

• I loves it when there be mad press goings on for things I really love. Last month it was a sea of Cuthbestedness for House of Wax Dat A$$, and now it’s the Gorillaz turn! Not only did we learn that their new tour will once again feature the same impersonal silhouette display they rocked back in the ’02 from B-board, but even the NY Times dropped some scoopage (+ a great pic of Mr Albarn on a bike!) like the Dreamworks feature film is not going to happen and that Danger Mouse will be on board for the next Blur album.

• Speaking of, details of Graham’s next crackers revealed! Hey Coxy, save sum of dem idears for yer former bandmates.

• Can yous bee leave someone ponyed up 7.4 mills to get Destiny’s Child to play their son’s Bar Mitzvah? If yer daddy had a fat bank roll who would you choose to make you Bar/Bat Mitzvah the mos rockinest Jewfest of all? For me, it would have to be the keepers of the keytars, Air. Although I bet it wouldn’t cost to much too get the Fiery Furnaces in general.

• 2B purrrfectlee honest, Andy Rooney is berry umcredible & unrelievable. I mean, I’ve always wanted to hear him say ‘itÂ’s, like, cool, man.’

• New Radiohead Album Out Early 2006?

• I don’t even know who you are anymore.

• Even if Natalie was a bald cancer-stricken-neo-Nazi-lesbian, I’d and you’d still bone her six ways from Saturday.

• First PS3 photo?

• Ladytron & Madness to tour Engerland (not together) this summer, but when the fork are they States bound?

• The Wendy’s missing digit mystery has finally been fingered out.

• R2-D2 hates on C3-PO

• Anybody know this Star Wars character’s name?

• WHAT?!?!?! The only good thing that could possib-lee come out of this is another round of McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper (scratch-off) Game, which I now will be on the look out for on eBay.

• Speaking of… Nintendo Game + Bad Movie = Pure Entertainment

• Liam Gallagher to star opposite Begbie?

• Trent is The New Messiah was chosen as the NY Post’s 10th entry on their weekly Hot List. I guess the Post doesn’t realize that he’s gay.

• How long can I stay tuned for their next move?

• Anyone looking to buy yer beloved Thigh Mizzle a gift and have $200 to spare? Look no further!!

• Come play with us Danny, for ever and ever and EVER!

• May is National Bike Month! Somebody call Eric Thomann!!

• Classic Car Commercials

• Anyone else going to the Kasabian show at Bowery tonight? I’m flying solo and need someone to rock out with. Look for me sans sunglasses & corn.

• Forgot to mention this last week, but Jeopardy! honey/my future wife, Pam Mueller, won her Elite 18 match against a bunch of social butterflies in the Tournament of Champions. This week she will compete in the Semi-Finals, and get one step closer to takin on dorkmaster Ken Jennings in the final round. My TiVo® pause button, Jergens® & Kleenex® are all ready 2 gogh!

• And a belated 29th burthday wish goes out to UK uber-cutie pie Martine McCutcheon [NSFW]. Boy I sure would like to McTouchen her mar’hiney.

• ‘Something’s wrong! Rachel, something’s wrong!!‘ exclaimed the retarded and pointlessly loud Rosie O’Donnell. No doubt, you talentless cow, cause how else do u explain the sale of Fubar version 2, the candy corn invasion of Thighs (for only a day), and the rumor that carnation pink is the new Oh Know They Didn’t! What’s next, Pope Eggs Benedict Arnold the MIXLIX declaring the stencil font the font of the devil?

• Although she did use to live the Kingdom of Thighs, I have no comment on her recent decent into disgustingville.

• Crackhead & Mrs King to wed at Glasto?

• Go ahead and download the entire Gorillaz’ Demon Days album, cause for once, this will be a disc actually worth buying in a store when it’s released. Why? Cause you know dem sleeves notes will be off the meat coat rack!! Anwyhozitz, shiz be dope, esp my new joint, ‘Dare’. [via Regnyouth via The Real Jonah]

• DC Comics unveils their new logo. The folks over at DIC Entertainment (home of Inspector Gadget) breathe a huge sigh of relief since they no longer hold the title of lamestest logo MT EVEREST! [via Alan J Pakula’s Godson]

• Is Charlotte Church a million dollar baby slut? I dunno, but wearing a do-rag at the beach aint anything I’d want my slut rockin.

• McNabb: Eagles can win without T.O.

• Thigh Master: My fantasy team can’t win without T.O.

• If I had the Bennies, I woulda paid 14 mil large for this Hopper.

• Danny DeVito, Keane fan #1.

• John Woo, Doves fan #12.

• Emir Kusturica, Cannes Film Festival jury president & director of a Maradona biopic starring none other than Maradona? I’m HIS #1 fan!

• Manhole sewer art

• First coffee-crazyness and now apple-nazyness?

• This weekend Wendy’s is giving away free Frostys. No coupon needed. No purchase necessary. Just come in and say “Free Frosty”. A “please” would be nice, but not required either. [via Double Vikes]

• And tisinit purty darn coincidental that a day after I outted Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari as an alien from the Planet of the Five-heads she files for divorce from her 137-year-old hubby? She cites Shelly Long’s neglect of child Drew Barrymore as the reason for doing so. I hate illegal aliens. Especially ones who lie nakkid in tubs full of rose petals while the dude with the burned face from Pay It Forward beats off in the shower. That’s not a pretty picture, but neither is this…

Anyone for candy corn?

• If money were fries, I’d be broke in .4 seconds.

• Didn’t czech it out yesterhay? Well, you haz to today: Rosie O’Donnell is a big fat retard who loves buses, marshmallows, toilet seats, being touched by Andie McDowell, and talking really loud – THE MONTAGE!!!

• Blessed be the ones who greenlit Catherine Zeta-Tomata-Zendejas-Jones-Douglas in that outfit Part II!

• NME gives props to Demon Days + one lengthy-arsed Gorillaz interview. BUT WHEN WILL THE US TOUR DATES BE ANNOUNCED?!?!

• Spielberg is a pussy

• Posh: I Wannabe A Singer. Reason 21245667891 to leave planet Earth.

• Al Gore, the internets older brother, finally gets some respec

• Torr has some tasty nuggets for y’alls.

• Slough-ouch!

• The new and improved Amy Sedaris.com

• When I grow up, I either want to go to Bovine University or Whore College.

• Abi Titmuss is a genius, and has a name I’d loved to rub my member on.

• The 27 Million Dollar Paper Weight

• Jesse Metcalfe Picks His Nose

• Sh%t is bananananas [NSFWness via Kizuna Lover #1]

• I don’t

• And Trey, if you ever lay a hand on Mischa Mischka again, I’ll cut off yer eyelids, break your lava lamp, make you my bitch and force you to carry food and drink items on your name.

[caps via OCFans]

• For my first duty as Pope Eggs Benedict Arnold the MIXLIX’s personal bitch, he wants me to send out some birthday blessings on this 4/20, to Der Adolf ‘Watermelon Maniac‘ Hitler. Well, since I hate the bastard (not the Pope), I can’t be apart of such crapsense. Instead, I send all my b-day love to one J.D. Roth, the host of Fun House, which happens to be the 3rd greatest kid’s game show of the late 80’s, behind Double Dare & I’m Telling! [Pope pic via All Tings Christie]

• Advanced ticket sales for Revenge of the Sith are already nick goings on, but screw dat, cause wees should all be packing our hip airline bags and head to London, for a MARATHON SCREENING OF ALL SIX FILMS!

• Who knew the jackass of all jackassages was back in bidness? Scratch that!!! Anwyho, if u want to read some of his shiz, czech the cache.

• Natalie ‘Cinnabon’ Hotness + Javier Bardeemedthegreatest + Milos Formanforallseaons = CAN’T WAIT OSCAR GOLD!

• Gandalf and Doc Ock join the cast of da Da Vinci Code. So far, they’ve only one made on casting mistake: Tom Hanks.

• Salman Rushdie thinks Britney should name her baby ‘Javelin’ and other fun!

• Peep an early review of the Strangers w/Candy flick. [via Levitticus Chapter 69]

• Nicolette as Bree would have been Bad Idea Jeans.

• Speaking of those Jeans… Spaceballs The Flamethrower Cartoon

• Salma Foxx?

• I guess I’ll be going gay sooner than I thought. Btw, I think I may have to add Diego Luna to that list too. He’s juss so dreamy and always looks like he’s having the time of his life. I want him to throw tacos in my mouth all day long.

• Lettuce hope Oasis put a lil more effort into the album’s music, than they did into the artwork. Almost more zzzzzz than this.

• The Beatles were such prima donnas!

• Were you lame enuff to not buy Air’s brill-yant Talkie Walkie? Then download the whole thang!

• I’m goin to the pre-shmear, but you NYCers can see House of Wax Dat A$$ fo free! The answer to the question is ‘GILMORE GIRLS’.

• Don’t forget to keep votin’ for the short film I’m in, How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day, for Frontier Airlines’ Cloud 9 Film Festival!

• Buy some limited edition Gorillaz prints.

• Star Trek meets the Civil War [via MetaFiltertips]

• Ye olde Pop-Up books

• And I told Jared that if he keeps providing us with all this Her Royal Cuthsplurteness, I may have to name him Gran Moff Archduke of Thighland the I. So go there to see pics of Thy Lady of Thighs, but in the meantime, I gots to give a lil love to my sorta-forgotten Thighcubine, the owl-face-o-licious, Devon Aoki and two of her Sin sistahs!