Thighs Wide Shut

• CBS Sunday Morning has long been a part of my life. I remember WENN, as wee Master o’ Thighs, I’d wake up every Sunday AM to the sweet sound of my father slurping down some hot coffee whilst watching Charles Kuralt babble on about babbling brooks and plenty other pleasant trees and whathaveyous for an hour and a half. At the time, I was pretty turned off by the show, as it didn’t have enuff hot chicks on it to satisfy my prepubescent urges, say the way that Hey Dude did. But as time passed and I grew to be an adult Thigh Mizzle, my tastes changed and I slowly started to turn into my dad… sans hair loss (yet). Now I’m a full on worshipper of the Sunday Morning sun, but thanks to the TiVo, I don’t have to be up at 9am to watch it. Anywho, the whole point of this is me and pa aint alone. The show has been gaining in popularity recently, up to about 5 mil viewers a week, and shows no signs of slowing down. A major hat tip goes out to host Charles Osgood who’s been keepin it alls good since Charlie Kuralt moved onto greener pastures, aka PEACED THE FORK OUT! Best news is that Osgood aint goin NOWHERE as he recently signed a contract that would keep em there ‘forever’. And if you think for one moment that this show is only for geezer fans of Murder She Wrote, yer juss plain wrong. I mean, they so effin hip that they did a whole piece on the resurgence of photo booths and how Brett Ratner, of all people, started the current trend, and when they mentioned the term ‘blogosphere’, onscreen was a shot of Lindsay Lindsayism’s Lindsayism.com! Damn those CBSers are more punk than Punky Brewster! And what else u gonna watch at that time? Sabrina, the Animated Series? Heducate yoselves peoples!

• Bobby Short joins J-Z DeLorean in Peacetheforkoutland.

• One of the world’s greatestist rollercoasters, The Cyclone, is already open for bidness.

• ‘There She Goes’, there they go. La’s dee da dee da.

• Richard Linklater’s Bad News Bears? What’s next for the softee director, a shot for shot remake of Kindergarten Cop?

• Bon, Simon Le Bon loves orange Smarties, but please don’t pelt him with em.

• Everyone’s allowed to cross Abbey Road, but now you can enter its doors and even catch a flick, but only for the next 2 weeks!

• Texas Rep Wants End To ‘Suggestive’ Cheerleading… dude boviously has never seen the brill-yancy that is Bring It On. [via Fleaski]

• Damon, the hardest and hottest man in showbuzz, gave a sneak peek of the Gorillaz’ ‘Feel Good Inc’ video to some very lucky peeps last week at SXSW. (Anyone know where we can viddy it for ourselves?) But the real creamy news is that there will be a tour and it WON’T be like last time where the performers played behind a white sheet (I liked it all the same, but many did not). Then after all that who-ha, he’s off to make some world music, and THEN NEW BLUR STUFF! Wooo-hoooo! Anywho, here’s what the new album cover looks like. Sweet sweet muffins!

• Merry forkin b-day goes out to My Man Marvkus. May yer day be filled with cakes, Sveiks, Twix, and all that’s in betwixt!

• The mos reverse-boner inducing movie poster of recent memory has to be… [via Brad Foreskin]

• And if I ruled the world I would remake House of Wax as Cuthdirt: The Girl Who Showered For 90 Minutes Straight…

• Which mooovie director still maintains a beard so it can help hide his super-obese neck? If you can’t figure it out from the picture, maybe this equation will help: his Neck Size is in Inverse Proportion to the Quality of his Films.

• Congrats to les Twerps for somehow gettin invited to the tournament of tournaments.

• Pulp, not dead yet!

• If Guy Ritchie ever wants to win an Oscar like Sean Penn did, he’ll have to ditch Madonna like Sean Penn did.

• Next Bond flick to be more classy, less Cleesey, and Tarantino won’t ever shut up.

• What do De La Soul, Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Push It’, Deborah Harry, Ike Turner, Shaun Ryder, MF Doom, and Dennis Hopper all have in common? They’re going to be on the year’s breastest album: Gorillaz’ Demon Days.

• Dolly Parton gropes Sandra Bullock in the name of cinema.

• Terry Reid to play Glastonbury this summer. Tara Reid to gargle jizz this evening.

• The line-up for this year’s Tribeca Film Fest is up.

• Somebody please arrest Hilary Duff… she’s missing an ‘l’ in her first name.

• There’s nothing better than a chocolate dipped cone from the DQ.

• Andy Rooney teaches you how to weed thru yer mail.

• I am – Sheryl Crow is Naked (NSFW)

• One in three dads try breastmilk. The other two prefer tossed salads.

• Dirty boobies are the new side boobs…

I HAKE You so much Twerps!

How do you beat Boouke twice &
lose to dem lowly Les Tigres thrice?

To hell wit da madness…
Is it football season yet?

• I’m no fan of Family Guy (it’s like an 16th rate Simpsons in my book), but many of yous may drool at this news: Family Guy Live, 2 shows in LA and 4 in NYC this April, which will include live readings of a classic episode, a special live performance from the eagerly anticipated Family Guy Live in Vegas comedy album, a sneak peek at the first new episode in 3 years, and a Q & A with the cast and creators of the series. Presale begins today at 10am EST and the password is ‘FREAKINSWEET’. Click here for LA and here for NYC. And please, don’t waste space in the ‘Speak Easy’ tellin me its a good show. I have better things to do like donate my grundle hair to science.

• Add Donavon Frankenreiter, Pinback, The Locust, Armin Van Buuren, and Gratitude to the Coachella leest.

• From the director of Saving Silverman and the writer of Eight Crazy Nights comes: THE END OF NAPOLEON DYNAMITE’S ACTING CAREER

• Gorillaz new album to be unveiled at SXSW?

• Officially the dumbestist Jewish shirt ever.

• Cuthbert, apparently likes to eat AND drink AND be the same room w/Dylan McDermott.

• Willis-Lohan grope fest = who cares.net

• Lohan’s neck + odd red splotches = wtf?

• Boo

• Boo Williams

• Boo Radley

• Boo Berry

• Why are people afraid of clowns? Even P Diddy?!

• The Gates to be recycled into candy corn?

• Peace the fork out to Nicole DeHuff, the bloody-nosed victim of Gaylord Focker’s pool volleyball super spikin’ skillz.

[much love to Pinky]

– Thighspotted with me own eyes: James Gandolfini having a qwik drink at the dumphole 7B, before riding off on a motorcycle, and the ever sexy Anderson Cooper going to work this morning at the AOL-Time-Warner building. Btw, when did hosting The Mole qualify you for a top desk job at CNN?

– Even Duke’s student newspaper agrees, today’s Cameron Crazies suck and are unoriginal. I blame the free iPods that incoming Frosh get. [via Truth About Duke]

– George Lucas to cameo in Ep III as Baron Papanoida. [via AICN]

– Gorillaz’ new jounks finally has a name: Demon Days.

– Spanks the good Lord that the Swingers sequel was scrapped. Too bad what we got instead was the poopa-a-thon known as Made. Remember that movie? Neither do I.

– New York City Walk

– Apparently Uncle G-Funk doesn’t love me anymore.

– This guy gives great head… lines.

– NSFW [SFWness via Tony’s CPU]

– Yummy [via Newbsy]

– If there was ever a movie about a super-giraffe, would you go and see it? It wouldn’t be awfulistic like that talking racing zebra garbage. In fact, the super-giraffe’s neck would be so long that he’d help NASA look for planets and such in the thing above the sky called space. He’d also pen a screenplay and when his producer asks for a ‘first draft’ our animal friend gets confused cause he thinks he’s saying ‘first giraffe’. If that doesn’t whet yer kazzo, what about an Aquaman movie?

pee es- giraffes RULE!

I would have liked to start off today’s thingieamabob with a pic of Marissa smooching Alex from last noche’s The O.C., but A) after all this build up (read: dick teaseapalooza), the kiss was just a kiss and B) the losers who normally post screencaps of the show are being lazy. Anywho, next week’s show looks hottier than Catherine-Zeta-Jones-McDonald-Douglas eating herself out on Mercury. If I were as flylicious as Kirsten Cohen, I’d also call the Feds on my husband’s ex-lover. YOU GO GIRL!!!

– Debbie Gibson has gotten such a bum rap over the years. And after looking at this NSFW pic, I’d love to rap her bum for the years to cum. [via Trent Lotts]

– Q: What’s the greatestest news investigation series by a local TV station of the 2000s? A: This one set up by KCTV to lure pedophiles to a house where they think they’re meeting up with 14-year-old fresh meat, but instead are greeted by the news crew. Now that’s what we call Perverted Justice! [major big ups to Mr Blagg for that]

– Her Former Royal Thighness made a return trip to the hospital complaining of chest pains. Poor girl, I guess she didn’t know that getting tittybanging by a different 28+-year-old each night is not good for the mammies.

– I guess Jacko won’t be dreaming a little dream or standing by Corey Feldman for much longer. Does that make CF one of the lost boys?

– I’ve always wanted to attend Church. And by ‘attend’ I mean see what her vocal chords are jason capel-able of handling. And by that, I mean, ‘Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz‘.

– What’s booer than boo-urns? The bastardages who moved the intimate April Fiery Furnaces show from the Bowery B-rules to Webster Hall. I guess that means I’ll probably fall asleep, again. Man, I wish I was single again.

– Hitler still receives fan mail… even 60 years after dying. Speaking of Der Jerka$$, what ever happened to the rest of his familia?

– Who coined the phrase, “to coin a phrase”?

– Why does TMNT Porn eggsist? I mean this is almost as risgusting as the stuff I work with! [NSFWness via The DW Griffins]

– Were you sick of my pal Navi/The I-Train’s links and love of Duke basketball? Well, dude finally gots himself his own blog to post his haste. Beware, he’s a newbie and there are no pictures up as of yet. You’ve been warned. G-luck Potomac’s flavorite son.

– The internerd moves fast. Case in point: there’s already a pseudo-half-arsed-sequel to that fat Dutch kid rocking out to Romanian techno. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Can yous bee leave that the top prize in this weekend’s Grilled-Cheese eating contest is only $3.5 K? That won’t even begin to cover the champs’ Pebto and therapy sessions. [via The Brawny One]

– France sucks, and their people are hella lame.

– You’ll never be alone again with IntelliBuddy

– Felt Donuts

– The Cursor Thief

– Yer Thighness, this yer last warning (mos certainly not yer last spanking), but if you go out in public again looking like a Kabuki theater player, I may have to dump you for good (although I will still take dumps on you cause I know you likes it!).