Thighs Wide Shut

Das Weisse Band
(The White Ribbon)
Presumed Innocence
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Ah kinders/children, they seem so free of the world’s evils and monstrosities, that is until they grow up to become evil and are the cause of the monstrosities!!! Therein lies the duality of udder beauty and quiet horror that transpires in Michael Haneke (both Funny Games, Caché)’s mysterious and mesmerizing White Ribbon. His black and white fable is part Laura Ingalls Wilder, part Village of The Damned, part The Village (well, at least the good parts), and is all parts wonderful. It won the Palme d’Or at this past year’s Cannes, should win best foreign pic at this year’s Oscars, and honestly, should be nominated for breast picture overall (there’s 10 spots, so at least one of them has to go to something worthy, right?). It’s no Up In The Air, but of course it’s not, cause this is a timeless film that’s actually brilliant instead of a film people think is brilliant simply cause it’s timely. But you’ll never know cause you’ll probably never see Ribbon cause it doesn’t star anyone you know (unless you remember Burghart Klaußner from The Reader), and probably won’t play in your area (which isn’t your fault), so before we stop and pause for end of the year breast and brelaxation (read: no posts until next week), all we can say is EAT IT APATOW & CLOONEY!!!!

Leader Hosen: eggsalad performances are found all around in Ribbon, the finest being between the school teacher (love those glasses Christian Friedel!!) and the young lass he is adorably courting, played by the cutie patootie Leonie Benesch

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Ribbon opens in NY/LA only today

and until NEXT YEAR!!!! the balcony is clothed…

Brothers
Nightmares From My Father
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Whatta year for the war movie, herspecially after so many years of awful waffle ones!!! First there was the we’re still hurtin from from watchin Hurt Locker, then da not so messy message filled GI Joe Messenger and now comes the comely and bothersome Jim Sheridan remake of the 2004 Danish flick Brødre (Brothers)!!!! Tis one’s about over here AND over there. Tobey Maguire goes off to war in Afghanistan, AGAIN!, leaving Queen of the Jews wifey Natalie Portman to tend the sheep (a terrrrrrrrriffic Bailee Madison + Taylor Geare). Porty also has to babysit Tobey’s fresh outta jail brother Jake Gyllenhaal, cause he’s more childish than Chucky at play. Then Maguire is pronounced dead and EVERYTHING CHANGES!!!! Nat has to pick up the pieces and Gyllenenhahhaal wises up and steps in to help her and the kids out, much to the chagrin of angry alchy pops Sam Shepard (not Sam Elliot). BUTTTTTT Spiderman is hactually ALIVE and mentally wounded and comes home and EVERYTHING CHANGES AGAIN!!!!!! what happens then is hush-hush from our mushmouth cause you will not want to miss this, and in particular, the last 20 or so heart pounding minutes, which might juss be the 20 or so bestest we’ve seen this year

Take A Mulligan: everyone’s IT girl (and ours first, you basterds!) Carey Mulligan pops up as a serviceman’s wifey. we loves Ports-man, but wonder how the movie woulda been had Mulls gottsen the op to play Tobey’s wife. or how about if long lost Mare Winningham, who plays the brothers’ step-mum, did?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Brothers is up in arms at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

and in honor of awesome brothers, here’s a pic of me and mine…

Avatar
Your Body of Work Is A Wonderland
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

James Cameron is king of the world once again, but this time it’s one that’s far from earth (Pandora, not to be confused with the poop that was Pandorum) and spankfully far from Billy Zane’s hammy acting (Giovanni Ribisi and Stephen Lang pick up the slack here, but aren’t nearly as hammy sangwich). His long gestating Avatar has finally hit the big screen, and with all it’s udderly franztastic CGI-motion capture bells & dazzling 3-Dimensional whistles, this baby is not only truly BIG, it’s cussin GIGANTIC! We wanted to hate on this film (the trailer didn’t wow us at all, and them blue people seemed like they wouldn’t even give themselves blue balls), but any early sign in the film of possible faltering (traces of a blah Pocahontasish plot, bad humans treat the earth poorly allegories galore + the overly-irritating Joel Moore) is quickly brushed aside as one’s eyes marvel endlessly at the visual masterpiece on display, which isn’t dull for a single minute out of it’s total of 162 of em!! You go JC!

Wanna know some plot details? Well, like humans have effed up earth and are out of oil and other resources so of courses they need to nick it from some other planet (it’s like V in reverse, but not like the new awful V!) and the planet they get their dirty hands on is one like FernGully filled with Dr Manhattan’s feline cousins. The humans want the planet’s goods at any costs, but a group of scientists led by Cameron’s olde pal Sigourney Weaver bring a humanistic element to the military’s forceful arm. Wonder if they’ll be some headbutting? One of her main helping hands dies so they enlist his twin brother (Sam Worthington, making up for that Terminator whatevs) and then they like avatar him into the DNA of like one of them blue people things (they called the Na’vi, not to be confused with Navi The Terrible Bowler) and then he basically gets in good with the real blue cat peoples, but of course they don’t trust him, and then they do, but maybe they ultimately don’t, but either way, he totally sweats the flyest one (Zoë Saldaña, hot in any color), and stuff and things and then the military folk like want to move in and do stuff and then our avatar guy is conflicted, cause he totally wants to milk them blue boobs (who doesn’t) and then they fly on things in the air and it’s breathtaking and it will take your breath away and like take your eyes to like new heights, like even mo so than Melrose Heights 9021024026! You go JC!!

Damn yo, Avatar was far from Avatarded. It was mo like Avatartarsaucelicioius! Sweet! Fun! Dazzle Dizzle! Seeing is bequeathing!! And if yer ever gonna go and see it, the theater’s the only way to go dawg go, so there you is. Eat it Lucas and go JC!!!

Zoe 102: justin case you forgot what she looks like as an actual human…

Verdictgo: can’t beeleave it weself, but Breast In Show!

Avtar opens everywear tomorrows!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Lovely Bones
Rattle & Huh?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You know right off the bat that lil Susie Salmon (Saoirse Ronan and her impeccable set of peepers, who can purty much own the world of acting for the rest of her life if she wants to) gonna die. She tells us this in voice-over, and so we wait and wait for her innocent youth to be stripped from her body and her soul to linger on forever in the heartbroken minds of her family (including miscast parents Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz). And by the time we’ve gottsen to know Susie Q with her simple hopes and dreams (she’s ohhhh so close to kissing the hot guy with the curly hair!!!), and her vibrant colorful 70s world (the costuming rox & the shopping mall was so mad foreals it gave it chills… see below) we didn’t want her to die. And yet she does. Then the movie, based on Alice Sebold‘s breastselling novel, splits into two worlds: the one she left behind and the new one she’s stuck in, a sorta fantasia purgatory where she comes to terms that life is over

The world without Susie is where Peter Jackson (w/scripting partners Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens)’s film excels, and the other, a dreamlike wonderland, turns out to be one giant CGI-filled nightmare. Remember that scene in Contact where Jodie Foster talks to an alien who looks like her dad on a distant planet’s beach, and how crummy it looked? All of the Lovely Bones netherworld stuff is juss as crummy if not more crummy (also probably a lot like What Dreams May Come, but we never saw that, so we can’t vouch if it’s crummy or is as crummy)! There’s a lot of this nonsense, and maybe it worked in the book where you could picture it however you wanted to, but brought to life on screen, it’s kinda more dead than Susie. Petey was certainly the right man for this job, but if he can’t pull it off then no one probably can (well, maybe Tim Burton?)

While Susie explores la-la land, her family grieves and her killer (Stanley Tucci, one of the few bright spots in the film, who with green contact lenses out creeps Michael Jackson and his yellow eyes that pop out at the very end of the ‘Thriller’ video) remains at large, and barely in charge. The heat starts to turn up on him as a suspect, with Susie’s sister (hello lovely boned Rose McIver!) carrying the torch of the witch hunt. So what’s the focus here? Catching the killer? Letting Suse rest in peace? Having Markie Markus prove that he can do more than talk to animals? None of the above?

Time continues to pass and pass, but the girl’s haunting memory remains for one and all. We’re haunted as well, but sadly more so by those not so surreal surreal images that made us wish that The Nothing would swing on by and eat up her neverending story

Last Mall Standing: THE MALL!!!! yes, that funky retro looking mall in Bones is the effin shaz!!! and how could it not with it’s LOTR nod early on (look for it in the bookstore window) and Peter Jax cameo (juss remember, he’s skinny these days). and ya know what, it is indeed fo real (or was)!!! Although most of the filming was dones up in New Zealand (duh!), the mall shiz was dones down, second unit style, at MacDade Mall, right outside of Philly!! Here’s a Flicka set of the mall’s closing, and another of it reborn as a Lovely 70s hang out + some video shmideo!! Thirsty for more ye olde awesomes malls? then look no further then this classic thigh fav: Malls of America: Vintage photos of lost Shopping Malls of the ’50s, ’60s & ’70s

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat?? Worth A Peepers

Skin
Deep!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We’re a fan of anything with the word ‘skin’ in it (cept for J Simpsons’ In My Skin & CANCER!!!): Skins, Mysterious Skin, potato skins, Mr Skin, your mother’s silky smooth skin, and flubvs course, the Redskins. Add Skin, a South African true story about a dark skinned girl (we remember you Sophie Okonedo!) born to white parents (Sam Neill and Alice Krige, both so fine maybe they shoulda been the Lovely Bones parents) struggling to define herself in the time of apartheid, to that list!!! Bring some Kleenex, but leave the Jergen’s at home you dirty fork, cause this film is juss toooo greaaaaaaaaaaaaat to miss!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show, yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones opens in NY/LA only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen. Skin be already being thick in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Messenger
The Bothers Grim^£
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Fact once stated: if Samantha Morton is in a movie, then we will see it, and to add to that, if she’s in a movie, then it’s probably worth seeing (cept fo Synecdoche, New York, which our brain has yet to recover from). Morton coast-stars (meaning she’s so effin moneybags mcgee that she coasts in any role thrown her way) in Oren Moverman‘s The Messenger, so guess you’ll juss have to see it based on the above facts, ma’am. She plays a recently widowed wife of a US Army solider killed in Iraq, and someone had to tell her that bad news and since we smell a title in there somewhere it also sounds like the making of a movie, and a terrrrrrific one at that!

Them someones are a lot of someones, with one of the world’s wurstest jobs besides toll both operator and microwaved tunafish taste tester, but for this viewing purposes our guys are Ben Foster (the always hammy, although mo eggsalad disgruntled actor, helping us to forget the poop that was Pandorum) and Woody Harrelson (having quite the 2009 so eat it Clooney!). They go from house to house (look out for the special guest stars!!) spreading the dreadful death notices and after they deliver the bads, they go unnoticed. So we get to see what they do besides being messengers, like drink! be sober! be depressed! hit on chicks! hit guys! other stuff too!! Quite the powerful/dourful subject, but don’t object cause along with Hurt Locker, modern-ish war-ish movies-ish are-ish back-ish in a huge-ish way!!!!!!!!!!!! And if you want war, but less seriousnessness and mo sillynessnessness and hot chicks in hottier leather than seek out GI Joe!!!!!!!!!!!!! or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you’re a grown adult so do whatever pleases your inner-jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morton’s Kosher Salt: Sam’s got quite the killah resume, but if you happened to miss her try and shy away from an angry Jason Partic in Expired, then you’ve missed out on one of the better films of 2008, yo!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Messenger is currently delivering at select theaters across Americaz

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

^£title was worth reusing