Thighs Wide Shut

Peace The Croc Out
Stephen Robert ‘Steve’ Irwin

1962 – 2006

+ bonus PTFO to the last living star of the Zapruder film!
+ bonus Holla Back The Spoon In to the Scream painting!

CAK? Thinks I’m tawlkin dirty? You guessed wrong you dirty slut ho-slut! CAK is simply the abbrv for the Canton-Akron Airport. Getting (to) CAK aint so simple. On Friday, due to something the airline people like to call ‘weather’, my flight was cancelled. The next flight out they assigned me and my IU peeps to was already delayed. With outervisions of hanging out for hours on end at LaBrokeia, or even having to come back the next AM, we all made the call to rent a huge mini-van and Griswold it out into the great unknown of Northbestern Ohio. 300 thIghpod tunes, 11 Cracker Barrel sides, 8 peg games, and 9+ (mostly) 100mph route 80 Pencil-Vain-E-Ya’in warp speed hours later, wees were gettin Whackron in Akron for B&B’s Hebraic nuptials. If you ever want to prove to yo friends how much you truly care, I recommend driving like there’s no tomorrow and dance, as if no one’s watching for no reason other than reason is treason [d]. But another more important bit o’ advice: if yer pals are getting married in some random arsed place that you may never visit again, take advantage of the local to-doings. In this case, as promised, the destination was the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which as of next week, will house the busts of Troy Aikman, Harry Carson, John Madden, Warren Moon, Reggie White, and Rayfield Wright. Here are some pics. There woulda been more, but my battery ran out/there really weren’t many snap worthy items, besides when I took a dump on the Cowboys, Giants, and Eagles sections.

I kept my feet on the ground
and kept reaching for the stars

and kept reaching for my grundle
cause it effin itched!

rumor has it

that Logan’s Run
& every other 70s sci-fi movie was filmed here

They have more heads and busts

than head I’ve received and busts I’ve nutted on

I haven’t been this happy

since I had that testicular enlargement procedure

Y.A. TITtle is the closest

one gets to seeing any nudity at the HOF

Red Grange’s wax figure

totally waxes off to Kim Cattrall in Mannequin

early foo-ball unies

should not be confused with bounty hunters
Zuckuss or 4-Lom
who are sometimes confused for each other

1) National Video Game and Coin-op Museum, St Louis, MO (sadly deceased, but I’ll never forget playing Atari’s Fire Truck for the last time in me life)

2) National Baseball Hall of Fame, Cooperstown, NY (too young to remember, but I think I forced my parents to buy me overpriced baseball cards, which are probably now more worthless than a Middle East cease-fire)

3) Basketball Hall of Fame, Springfield, MASS (shooting baskets is fun for all, but the real bestness was the all you can play arcading of Double Dribble)

4) International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame, St Louis, MO, (I, like Homer Simpson, posed next the bowling pin shaped car)

5) Pro Football Hall of Fame, Canton, OH (hey, at least there was a Steak ‘n Shake nearby!)

6) Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Cleveport, OH (it’s juss like the Hard Rock Cafe, cept no shitty hamburgers)

and now for some HOFs I’d like to HOFerize
(even if an actual building doesn’t eggsist)

Pinball Hall of Fame
The Republican Wife-Cheating Hall of Fame
Hockey Hall of Fame
Finnish Hockey Hall of Fame
RV/MH Hall of Fame
International Frisbee Hall of Fame
National Toy Hall of Fame
Microprocessor Hall of Fame
Highbanks Hall of Fame National Midget Auto Racing Museum
National Inventors Hall of Fame
World Kite Museum & Hall of Fame
The Trapshooting Hall of Fame and Museum
The Cajun Music Hall of Fame and Museum
Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame
The Manitoba Basketball Hall of Fame
The Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame
World Chess Hall of Fame
TV Single Dads Hall of Fame
International Circu
s Hall of Fame
International Clown Hall of Fame
Robot Hall of Fame
Museum of Polo and Hall of Fame
The Cockroach Hall of Fame
National Woman’s Hall of Fame
Ukulele Hall of Fame Museum
Mascot Hall of Fame
The International Towing & Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum
AVN Hall of Fame
The National Cleveland-Style Polka Hall of Fame

Garbage In
my mouth

Hershey’s unbeknownst bestest trio

Gawd, pleaseth make my Rite Aid stop selling all of these fine delectables 4 for a dolla, before I need to enlist the real Dr Nick

[beat]

Watching Cef almost eat his yuckgusting b-day sausage ‘cake’ at Herr Heidelberg Restaurant

as well as almost yackgusting all over myself for eating pig’s knuckles (at this point, I’m convinced that’i’ll never be buried in a Jewish cemetery)

[beat]

And for Steiner’s b-day, ventured out to BedStuy, where NY state’s ONLY Bojangles (inferior) Fried Chicken resides, and apparently majestic subway stain glass treasures, like these found on the JMZ line [b-low snap from NYCSubway.org’s NYCE Subway Art Guide]

And would you bee leave that the ONLY Bojangles in NY shares an ‘L’ counterspace alongside a Carvel, an Arthur Treachers, and a Subway, all scrunched INSIDE A GROCERY STORE? Lettuce juzz say that two white kids making a fried chicken pilgrimage to a BedStuy grocery store sure gets one a lot of odd looks, which is not to be confused with 30 Odd Foot of Grunts!

Garbage Out
of a trashcan and into my home

Why on earth would anyone in their frank lloyd right mind ever throw away anything Atari in la basura (the trash)? Unless doves course they knew that the T-Mizzle was going to reclaim it for the Republic of Thighland!!

Sadly, to this day, I am still bitter herbs at my smartsy fartsy older brother for throwing away our Atari 800XLc computer (that’s right, Atari computer, complete with 64K of power!!) years ago, although it was never going to work again (the dreaded ‘BOOT ERROR’ repeated screen of death!!). But then hagain, how could I be bitter to a boy who was bitter in his own write when all he wanted for one of his teen b-days was an Apple IIC(or was it E?), and thoughts he got it when he saw a large box sitting on his bed, but instead gots from our rents a wrestling ring he could use with his small collection of WWF LJN action figures. Don’t worry, the story has a happening ending: he’s still my brother, he’s still smart, and thanks to eBay, one day we’ll probably get to play Drol, Archon, Karateka, and Lucasfilm Games’ Ball Blazer!

[beat]

I got scared shrieked the other night/morning (wood) when some random drunk girl in my apt woke me up at 4:19 AM by simply opening my bedroom door (an open door was the ghetto alarm clock my mom used to get my arse up for middle thru high school). Said drunken girl was beheaded by morning, but not before I couldn’t go back to bed and heard her lambaste my CD collection, including the ownership of an All Saints’ CD. C’mon, I got it for free thru my 237432th membership to BMG, + I lived in London for 1/2 a year in ’98 when shit Britannia was cool!

All Saints – ‘Under The Bridge’ [d-lode]
All Saints – ‘Never Ever’ [d-lode]
All Saints – ‘Pure Shores’ (off of Saints & Sinners/The Beach soundtrack) [d-lode]

[beat]

And mattmag4188…

stay away from my woman, or since I know many Jews in media, I’ll have yer AOL IM account suspended!!

Seacrest Out
and me too cause I is
OUTATIME
for today kids!