Suck My CAK

CAK? Thinks I’m tawlkin dirty? You guessed wrong you dirty slut ho-slut! CAK is simply the abbrv for the Canton-Akron Airport. Getting (to) CAK aint so simple. On Friday, due to something the airline people like to call ‘weather’, my flight was cancelled. The next flight out they assigned me and my IU peeps to was already delayed. With outervisions of hanging out for hours on end at LaBrokeia, or even having to come back the next AM, we all made the call to rent a huge mini-van and Griswold it out into the great unknown of Northbestern Ohio. 300 thIghpod tunes, 11 Cracker Barrel sides, 8 peg games, and 9+ (mostly) 100mph route 80 Pencil-Vain-E-Ya’in warp speed hours later, wees were gettin Whackron in Akron for B&B’s Hebraic nuptials. If you ever want to prove to yo friends how much you truly care, I recommend driving like there’s no tomorrow and dance, as if no one’s watching for no reason other than reason is treason [d]. But another more important bit o’ advice: if yer pals are getting married in some random arsed place that you may never visit again, take advantage of the local to-doings. In this case, as promised, the destination was the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which as of next week, will house the busts of Troy Aikman, Harry Carson, John Madden, Warren Moon, Reggie White, and Rayfield Wright. Here are some pics. There woulda been more, but my battery ran out/there really weren’t many snap worthy items, besides when I took a dump on the Cowboys, Giants, and Eagles sections.

I kept my feet on the ground
and kept reaching for the stars

and kept reaching for my grundle
cause it effin itched!

rumor has it

that Logan’s Run
& every other 70s sci-fi movie was filmed here

They have more heads and busts

than head I’ve received and busts I’ve nutted on

I haven’t been this happy

since I had that testicular enlargement procedure

Y.A. TITtle is the closest

one gets to seeing any nudity at the HOF

Red Grange’s wax figure

totally waxes off to Kim Cattrall in Mannequin

early foo-ball unies

should not be confused with bounty hunters
Zuckuss or 4-Lom
who are sometimes confused for each other

Being the world’s #1 Redskin and NFL fan, I was more jazzed than Louis Armstrong jazzing into his trumpet and blowing it all over his wife to see this HOF, but in all honesty, it’s probably one the weakest HOFs I’ve been to. I mean, yer not gonna win many visitors if you don’t dedicate a whole wing to the Ickey Shuffle! Here’s where the Football HOF ranks (art) amongst the other HOFs I’ve HOFed:

1) National Video Game and Coin-op Museum, St Louis, MO (sadly deceased, but I’ll never forget playing Atari’s Fire Truck for the last time in me life)

2) National Baseball Hall of Fame, Cooperstown, NY (too young to remember, but I think I forced my parents to buy me overpriced baseball cards, which are probably now more worthless than a Middle East cease-fire)

3) Basketball Hall of Fame, Springfield, MASS (shooting baskets is fun for all, but the real bestness was the all you can play arcading of Double Dribble)

4) International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame, St Louis, MO, (I, like Homer Simpson, posed next the bowling pin shaped car)

5) Pro Football Hall of Fame, Canton, OH (hey, at least there was a Steak ‘n Shake nearby!)

6) Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Cleveport, OH (it’s juss like the Hard Rock Cafe, cept no shitty hamburgers)

and now for some HOFs I’d like to HOFerize
(even if an actual building doesn’t eggsist)

Pinball Hall of Fame
The Republican Wife-Cheating Hall of Fame
Hockey Hall of Fame
Finnish Hockey Hall of Fame
RV/MH Hall of Fame
International Frisbee Hall of Fame
National Toy Hall of Fame
Microprocessor Hall of Fame
Highbanks Hall of Fame National Midget Auto Racing Museum
National Inventors Hall of Fame
World Kite Museum & Hall of Fame
The Trapshooting Hall of Fame and Museum
The Cajun Music Hall of Fame and Museum
Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame
The Manitoba Basketball Hall of Fame
The Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame
World Chess Hall of Fame
TV Single Dads Hall of Fame
International Circu
s Hall of Fame

International Clown Hall of Fame
Robot Hall of Fame
Museum of Polo and Hall of Fame
The Cockroach Hall of Fame
National Woman’s Hall of Fame
Ukulele Hall of Fame Museum
Mascot Hall of Fame
The International Towing & Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum
AVN Hall of Fame
The National Cleveland-Style Polka Hall of Fame

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