War Horse
More Like Bore Horse
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

Apparently there’s this beloved book turned into a hit play about a boy and his horse a horse and his boy, who loved one another like no horse and no boy could have ever loved one another, BUT THEY DID IT (not actually did it, but you know what we mean).  Apparently there love was so great that Steven Spielberg needed to make a movie out of it.  If you see one Spielberg movie this winter, do not make it War Horse, unless you love horses more than people, and if you do, please never come to this dot org ever again

OK, so it was kinda cool to see how horses’ role in warfare came to an abrupt end in WWI, due to trenches and tanks, but it wasn’t all that cool to watch a horse change hands from a poor English family (newbie boy Jeremy Irvine + parents Emily Watson and Peter Mullan), to a super fruity English army officer who knows how to draw (Tom Hiddleston), then to the kid from The Reader (David Kross), then to the old dude from The Prophet (Niels Arestrup), and then into no man’s land, before the eventual (no real sirprize here, but a spoiler lessthenone) reunion with the boy.  Yep, that’s the story, and yep, our main character is a horse.  Yep, the horse hands in the best horse performance of the year, but wouldn’t you rather watch Tintin run around the world in search of treasure instead of a boy searching for a horse?

The movie is well made, but it’s juss not all that compelling, and never registers on an emotional level that it is desperately trying to reach for (the script is ultra-fromage-y).  The most we got out of it was being happy for peeps like David Thewlis, Benedict Cumberbatch, Toby Kebbell, Eddie Marsan and Liam Cunningham who finally got to be in a Spielberg movie.  Is that some sort of an accomplishment?  Not really, but all of their performances (+ Celine Buckens &  Robert Emms) are commendable in a not so commendable flick

moral of the story – said it before – bore Horse.  nuff said again

No More Horsing Around: horses were still hactually used in WWII, mainly on the Eastern Front, even by the Poles, who couldn’t get their screen door submarines into action quick enuff to halt the Nazis

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

War Horse trots into a theater near jews on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

double b-day wishes to the very thighlicious Lucy Pinder & India Reynolds, who both came into this world on December 20th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
No Slander On This Salander!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 158 min

The wait is over kids.  David Fincher‘s English language (wouldn’t dare call it ‘American’, cause it’s not whatsoever) version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is no longer juss the kick ass teaser/trailer/music video of the year, it is now a movie that has to be able to deliver the goods. And?  It does indeed deliver them goods, mad good… as much as Stieg Larsson‘s story will let it/him.  What does that mean?  Well, if you know the story (and if you don’t, what planet are you from, UrineAnus?), you know it pulsatinglyly builds and builds and builds, and then goes BOOM, and then it kinda whimpers for another 30 minutes after the boom, as it re-focuses on the original task at hand, which is no longer as interesting as the sidetracked task just handled.  OK, that’s about as much bitching as we’re capable of making, cause otherwise Fincher hands in an A paper on celluloid digital projection

The Social Network gave Finchy the worldwide love & attention he deserved, but a 1s & 0s subject matter like that was well beneath his skill & artistry.  Anyone could have directed Aaron Sorkin’s script to greatness, even Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  Anywho, Fincher is back in the territory where he belongs and we want him to stay – making flicks where people are murdered and other people try to solve those murders.  He brings his Zodiac (you know, that movie that’s one of the greatest movies ever) preciseness & pacing and applies it to the frigid and cruel Swedish world that sweeties Mikael Blomkvist & Lisbeth Salander do their investigationining thing in

So how does this new one stack up against the very very solid original flick?  It kinda bests it in every way possible, even if the original didn’t really need besting in the first place.  Still, better Fincher do it than say Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  We gets Christopher Plummer sounding all von Sydow-y! Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd loving Enya! Steven Berkoff hating Axel Foley! Robin Wright penning! Joely Richardson holy richardsons! Goran Visnjic with visnjacrazywitz hair! and Julian Sands juss being Aryan handsome!!!!!!  And nothing against Michael Nyqvist & Noomi Rapace, but Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara do Mik & Lis a lick better, mainly cause it’s a bit more believable and much more watchable to see Dan & Roo get bizzy than Nyquil & Noo.  Rooney’s performance as Lisbeth in particular is fracking spectacular, but don’t make us choose Lisbeths, cause there’s room for two Lisbeth performances in this world, like there was for Truman Capote.  Sadly, Toby Jones got hosed in that race, just like Rapace got zilch for being totes THE girl with the dragon tatts.  Guess what we’re saying is, why not give Rooney the Oscar.  We’d like to see Streep sport white eyebrows and get plowed by a fat dude while handcuffed (point of clarification – we are not hactually asking to see that, we juss making the point that Rooney as Lisbeth is a brave brave performance that Meryl Streep might hactually be incapable of braving, or something to that DAS EFX)

moral of the story – it’s no Zodiac, but it’s a David Fincher film, and people should see David Fincher films, cause every other film isn’t a David Fincher film

Swede Jesus!!:  Harriet Vagner haunts her uncle’s life, and now our dreams, in a good way, cause she’s so dreamy!!!  and she is

Moa Garpendal

and how about her cousin Anita, aka

Mathilda von Essen

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tattoo you at a theater near Jews on December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Forks Out

to

Kim Jong-il

‘Communication ‘

1941/2 – 2011

+

he Haveled his cake and ate it too

American co-Captain 

just the one of him

Kojak-ass

& a non-gay/Georgian B-52er

The Adventures of Tintin
Let The Adventures Begin & NEVER End!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 107 min

We never read a single word of Hergé‘s classic tales of Tintin, the world’s most famous fictional young Belgian reporter EVER (go ahead, NAME ANOTHER!), but we’ve always been captivated by the artwork. As a kid, we’d go to the public library and stare at the Tintin covers, but never bothered with what was inside (remember, we’re illiterate). Well, them images have been brought to cinematic life, AND BOY HAVE THEY BEEN BROUGHT TO CINEMATIC LIFE!!!!  Without question and further debate – the most fun we had (and probably you’ll have) in theaters in 2011 was eyeballing Steven Spielberg‘s beyond magical motion capture 3-D extravaganza The Adventures of Tintin!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need more glowing endorsements? Of course you do, you haters of ginger-haired Belgians! Tintin is Spielberg’s bestest adventure movie since Indy’s Last Crusade.  IT’S TRUE!!!!  Hell, some of Tintin‘s action sequences HACTUALLY top ANYTHING he’s ever done (DID WE JUST WRITE THAT, we did!)!!! Even the digital animation visual stuff here rivals any of that crazy visual shaz seen in his modern futuristic fare, like A.I. and Minority Report!!!!!!

Now, we really should wait a few years before making such statements like this, but we’re almost ready to safely name Tintin as one of Señor Spielbergo’s top ten works, EVER!!!!  Same cannot be said of the other movie being released this week with SS’s name on it, about a boy & his horse, but that’s not for now, cause now it’s all about a boy and his dog and Belgium waffle-awesomeness!!!

So, it cannot possibly be bottom to top mad rad, cannnit?  Well, the plot aint eggzactly all that fancy (it’s the combo of three books - The Crab with the Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn, and Red Rackham’s Treasure), but an adventure doesn’t need to be all that schmancy when it is so dang adventurous!!!!  Sure, the ending doesn’t even come close to matching some of them sequences that preceded it, but then again, not much in movies in 2011 can match those sequences either + the ending is really juss the beginning of what we hope is like 1444 dozen more of these movies.  IT’S TRUE!!!!

Tintin is like one of those National Treasure movies minus Nic Cage & stupidity, and replaces it with the epic epicicity skills of Spielberg & (producer) Peter Diddy Jackson + the wonderful voices of Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, et al + animation so bla-zam-a-zamm-a-slammin-za-mazing, that you’ll almos forget yer watching a cartoon, even though it is a cartoon, sorta!  And you know we hate cartoons, but this aint like any cartoon cartooned before!!  EAT IT PIXAR!!!

moral of the story: catch THIS if you can!!  9reals.  It’s a PG movie that kicks MAJOR a$$.  We mean, it’s got a kid in it who packs heat and hangs out with an always drunk sea captain!!!  If you can only see one movie this holiday season (that doesn’t have dragon tattoos in it), then this HAS to be the one.  We enjoyed this one singular tale more than we did all 7 of the Harry Potter flicks combined!!!  IT’S SO TRUE!!!!  EAT IT HOGWURST!!!!

He Hate She: there’s 2 female characters in the Tintin film, and that’s about as many as there were in the entire Tintin comic world! Hergé usually abstained from including women in on the fun.  He said ‘For me, women have nothing to do in a world like Tintin’s, which is the realm of male friendship. [They would cause] misadventures rather than adventures. Mocking women would not be nice’.  C’mon, doesn’t Tintin wanna celebrate some of his conquests by conquesting some biznatches???

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yer inin like Tintin at a theater near jews December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…