baseball card vandals

[hat tip BJNews]

Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark
Foxwoods Theatre
Official Website | 150 min

Dude, why does everyone hate on Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark?  Do they hate Spider-Man?

Do they hate 12 Spider-Mans?

Do they hate seeing Spider-Man like actually fly in front of their eyes, unlike in the movie when a computer is flying Spider-Man in fake computer world???

PEOPLE, THERE IS A MUSICAL THAT’S NOT SUPER GAY, BUT SUPER EDGE-Y & BONO-Y, AND SPIDER-MAN IS IN IT AND HE’S FLYING ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND YOU’LL FEEL LIKE YER 8 YEARS OLD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE 8 YEARS OLD AGAIN, BESIDES THE NOT EARNING MONEY OR HONEYS STUFFSSS!!

(ok,  so the show’s a lilllllll toooo looooong, and the story is muddled, even though they basically juss retold both Spider-Man #1 movies, which really isn’t all that complicated, but dude, SPIDER-MAN FLIES IN FRONT OF YOUR THIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Zero Dark Thirty
OBL STK MIA DOA A-OK GO USA!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 157 min

Dude, do you remember how intense and thrilling and awesome Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal‘s Hurt Locker is was????  Well guess what, Biges and Boals did one better on collab numero 2, basically telling Homeland and Argo to argofuckthemselves.  Zero Dark Thirty is like watching one of those Bourne movies, cept what’s going on REALLY HAPPENED and what we’re being shown seems really really fcuking real.  FO REALS!!! not faux reels!!!

So what is Zero Dark Thirty?  It’s 2 minus 2, the opposite of day + 30.  BAM!  C’mon, you know what this is about – it’s a summarization of failing for ages to find Osama bin Laden, and then maybe finding him, and then deciding whether that maybe is close enuff to a certainty as humanly possible, before pulling the final trigger… on pulling the trigger on OBL.  It’s frustrating, and more frustrating, and even more frustrating, but then it gets exciting and even more exciting, and even more more exciting, and then we’re back in the Bigelow-Boal thrill ride where yer heart’s a pounding and yer palms are a sweating, even though you know that OBL aint living past the end credits.  SPOILER ALERT – OBL dies.  But how did we get to that point?  THAT’S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And it’s incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when Bigs was making this movie, she was probably like, I want to have someone awesome like Jodie Foster to play my Clarice Starling darling character, so she got herself Jessica Chastain.  PERFECT!  Then she was like, we need a bunch of random actors that are good, but not huge names, to help Chasty out, and she was like welcome aboard Kyle Chandler, Jennifer Ehle, Harold Perrineau, Jeremy Strong, Mark Strong, Mark Duplass & [my boy] Édgar Ramírez.  Then she was like, I need a beardy guy that’s super good at yelling and torture and then they got Jason Clarke and he did that.  Then she was like, I need two beardos to play beardo Navy Seals, so she got that guy from Parks & Rec who’s character isn’t as funny as everyone thinks it is and fake Owen Lars from the BS Star Wars poo-quels.  But guess what, the casting didn’t end there.  She was like, oh, I need some fat guy that could pass for Leon Panetta, and so BAM, put on some 80s Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses James Gandolfini!  And she threw in Stephen Dillane for good measure.  That’s eggzatcly how the casting was done, as told to me by a magic elf fairy from Rivendale

What more do you need to know?  GO AMERICA!  NEVER QUIT!  Always keep your eye on the ball.  Kick a guy in the balls, but only IF it will lead to info that will get us to Osama bin Laden.  And if we get that info, lets lose it for like 7 years, but since we don’t give up, we find it again and follow up and finally hang our ‘mission accomplished’ banners.  Way to go us/US.  Red, White & BEST!!!!

Spank dog Morgan Spurlock never found OBL, cause otherwise this movie wouldn’t eggsist

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Zero Hot Tens: Jessica Collins is in the movie for all of 8 seconds, but she hypnothighsed me with her eyes

and then I remembered where she had done it before – the sorta-brilliant but cancelled Rubicon

Zero Dark Thirty sees the light in NY & LA on Wednesday and elsewhere on January 11

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Wayne Gretzky’s daughter is…

!!!!n!i!c!e!!!!!!!!!!?!?@?>#??!!!9!9!!?#<<@$#<!!>??!!!!!!!!!!6!9!!!!!

Amour
I’m OK, You’re Decay
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

And the worst date movie of 2012 is Michael Haneke‘s Amour.  That’s not a knock, it’s actually an honor for us to declare such a thing, but even though this movie is called ‘Love (in French)’, it’s more like ‘Watching An Old Woman Slowly Decay For Two Hours’!  How much fun does that sound???  OODLES!!!  And if you enter this old woman’s apartment, you won’t ever leave it cause the film doesn’t leave this old woman’s apartment!!!!!  It’s like the Hotel French California, but like even more painful than listening to The Eagles!

So who’s this old lady?  She’s Emmanuelle Riva and she starts off as a normal old lady, lover of music, being French, etc, but then she has a stroke – not of genius, but the bad kind.  She begs her husband Jean-Louis Trintignant to never put her in a home besides their own, so he plays the good husband and takes care of her at home.  What a great husband!  But then she has a second stroke – still not one of  the geniusnessness kindsz, and this stroke has basically transformed her into a babbling, drooling old lady baby.  It’s like Benjamin Button, but even more painful to watch (pain, in a good way, as BB was painful cause it sucked).  Poor husband – his job juss got super super harder.  And he’s super old too!  And he’s gotta lift her up all the time!   And he’s gotta pick up her pants after she poops!  And other stuff that sucks!!!  And their daughter Isabelle Huppert is zero help.  Cause all she does is cry and be French and stuff

Man, what an excruciatingly painful movie to sit thru, but a tremendously beautiful one at that.  Would you expect anything less from beauty pain-meister Michael Haneke?????  Dunno.  Only seen 3 of his movies and all 3 are still hauntings me.  His movies stay with you, FOREVER, so beware cause the Haneke man will get you!!!  And you should let him get you!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Amour desires your love in NY & LA on December 19 and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…