Under The Skin
Alien Ant Smarm
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 108 min

And the biggest piece of cinema sh!t of 2014 is Jonathan Glazer‘s Under The Skin.  MORE LIKE BLUNDER THE SKIN!!!   MORE LIKE UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE PACKAGED AS A MOVIE OF NOTHING!!!

OK, so there are some things, like seeing Scarlett Johansson‘s glorious curves, MULTIPLE TIMES [NSFW], but that’s about 8 minutes of glory, and 100 minutes of bore-y.  If it was 108 minutes of Scarlett’s boobs, then it’s a masterpiece, but it’s not, and everything else we’re shown is a crapsterpiece of sh!t

So why is this movie such a bucket of turds, showered in urine?  Oh, cause I said so.  Take my word for it, and don’t see this.  Unless you want to see nothing, with annoying music, and about 70 minutes of watching ScarHo driving a van and picking up random dudes and then taking them to some like abandoned house or something, and then get nekkid, and then the men get nekkid too and as they walk toward her, they like drown in a black pool of nothingness (THIS MOVIE IS A BLACK POOL OF NOTHINGNESS) or something, and then she goes out and gets in that van and does the same stuff all over again with some other unlucky blokes about town.  IS YOUR MIND BLOWN YET?  More like THIS BLOWS!!!!!  Eventually the cycle of man-trapping/drowning stops, and then JohanLett like runs in the forest, and then a lumberjack tries to have his way with her, but she can no longer deal and then she like throws her human skin away, and reveals that’s she’s a blackpool of nothingness of a being.  And STUFF!!!!  Oh, and there’s a guy on a motorcycle who like helps her or something, and I don’t give a flying fcuk

Intrigued?  Don’t be.  The trailer was fcuking awesome.  Pretend the movie is the trailer, and then move on with your life

OK, ok, so I will admit that Scarlett is awesome in this movie.  Probably her best work of this century that didn’t involve Woody Allen or juss her voice as Her.  But juss cause she’s awesome, and shows her boobs, which is REALLY awesome, does not eggcuse the rest of the movie that’s literally about as enjoyable as getting an MRI

OK, ok, so there’s one more aspect to the film that I liked.  In the movie, one of her mantrap-ees is a dude with Neurofibromatosis. Their interaction is equally as tender, as it is frightening.  And after not so much research, very real.  The dude with the messed-up face is 111111%real, and his name is Adam Pearson.  Kudos for being real.  Boo-dos to all the rest, which makes Upstream Color seem about as straightforward as an Air Bud movie

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Skin is un-deep in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Weeghman Park / Cubs Park / Wrigley Field opened on April 23, 1914

this boob job ad has been stirring up a lil bit of controversy recently

but the bigger problem plaguing society…

who is the model with the breasts???

& DOES SHE EVEN HAVE A FACE?????????

–

stock photos call her ‘attractive blonde girl portrait with big breasts’

and then we figured out that the photo was taken by Zdenek Kintr

and that his model is…

Denise Ayverdi

and her boobs weren’t even made in New York.  her mother is Czech and her father is Turkish, and she was born in Germany.  She splits her time between the Czech Republic and Australia.  last time we looked at an atlas, none of those places were in New York

and it’s not even the first time her stock boobs have been used!

–

bless her boobs wherever they were made

and bless all boobs everywhere!!!

men and women are photographed snorting cocaine, April 21, 1986 in New York City. photos by Yvonne Hemsey

what are the context of these photos????

??????????????????????????

finally figured out why the movie One Night At McCool’s had to exist… so there could be a UK premiere on April 18, 2001…

and Christina Ricci could show up looking like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!