American Animals
Doc Doc Good
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

Not enough people see documentaries in theaters (for shame and FIVE shame) and I think director Bart Layton figured out how to change that course – you make a narrative film based on a true story, but you ALSO make it more of a true story by including the true people behind the true story IN the story you tell!  KnowwhatImean?

Seeing is believing in Layton’s American Animals, where fact and friction blur, and entertain the fcuk out of you in a tale of bad deeds gone purty darn bad.

Did you ever hear about the 4 college guys who tried to steal rare books from a Kentucky university library?  Yeah, me neither, but forget about hearing it – cause you need to SEE this!

Told through the mouths of the (sometimes contradicting) real life participants – Warren Lipka, Spencer Reinhard, Eric Borsuk and Chas Allen, and portrayed though the vesseles that are Evan Peters (one of our best), Barry Keoghan (guy has such a killer young resume), Jared Abrahamson (he seems so familiar and yet I have no idea who he is) and Blake Jenner (not one of those Jenners), Animals is the antidote to the anti-dope that (I’m sure, without seeing) Ocean’s 8 is.

For the price of admission – this movie is a STEAL!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Animals roar, currently in limited release and soon at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Solo
Sabacc to the Future
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

I don’t care how many directors it took to screw in the Solo origin story light bulb, but the most important director of them all turned out to be the CASTING director (or whomever at Disney makes the calls – Kathleen Kennedy?).  They NAILED young Han in going with Alden Ehrenreich (I’ve long been a fan).  Could there be a cooler young Lando than Donald Glover is??  NO.  And Joonas Suotamo has already proved his worth in wookie fur for his third screen jaunt as Chewbacca.  And for me, that’s enough to mark Solo down as a success.  I believe in those guys as younger versions of my childhood heroes that I don’t even care about the imperfections of the movie that has no real reason for being other than MONE$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$YYYYYYY!!

So what works besides the dudes we already know and love?

Paul Bettany works.  he’s a human enemy, which is rare for Star Wars, and he’s one of the more intriguing baddies we’ve been given in awhile (human, Muppet, awful CGI).  I’ll take him over Snoke any day.  Gawd fcuking dammit – how awful is Snoke?  And even though Bettany’s Dryden Vos has a dumb name, I also kinda like it!  VOS IS BOS!

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and how bout them sets?  they have that lived-in Star Wars universe look to them.  every film since Jedi is too polished. the prequels especially, but even the other new ones look TOO clean.  Solo gets the dirt and grim right (very Mad Max looking too!), and even the classy joints too.  I LOVE the windows in Vos’ pad.  Coolest far far away galaxy architectural design since Cloud City!

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Woody Harrelson‘s mustache.  I didn’t fully care for his Haymitch Abernathy-like character Tobias Beckett (what kind of a fcuking name is that?  AND WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE PUTRID NAMES???), but he did teach Han valuable lessons, like if you want to be taken seriously, don’t have a mustache like this, no matter how good it looks on Woody!

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L3-37 – initially, I was like WTF is this sassy Tilda Swinton sounding (actually Phoebe Waller-Bridge‘s voice) droid that wants to jump Lando’s bones?  Also, why do robots want to bang humans?  Humans don’t need to bang droids.  Humans should stick to banging banging hot Cuban holograms, but L3-37 (a name# I had to look up) grows on you, and you can see why Lando may want to jump her bones bolts with his nuts.  Plus she gets a scene with the best cameo of the film (and it’s not the red & black dude with thorns in his head)

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the humor.   it works here the way it didn’t work in The Last Jedi.  Jedis are seriously and have dry humor that they rarely use. Han is a scoundrel and a jokester.  As a young dude, he should be even jokey-er, and they did that.  Jedis, not so much.  Thankfully this movie is Jedi free!!

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THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL!!  FINALLY, we meet you!  And you did not disappoint, although the above grounds of Kessel were a little more sweet than the mines themselves.  And Sabacc!  The game we all don’t know AND love cause it’s how the M Falcon was won!!!  And now YOU can play Sabacc at home!

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and other stuff worked, but mainly Alden Ehrenreich is the works that works and works and works me over.  Alden Ehrenreich forever!!!  EVEN IF I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER HOW TO SAY OR SPELL HIS NAME EVER!!!  Let him play young EVERYBODY.  Young Jack Torrance! Young Bullitt!  Young everyone that isn’t Clint Eastwood, cause he’s got that kid that looks exactly like him!!! 

also, sorry Leo, but Alden for life!

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so what didn’t work? not much didn’t, but…

Emilia Clarke as Qi’ra.  didn’t care for her whatsoever.  her and her giant eyes and tiny frame seemed out of place.  felt like she was acting in a non-Star Wars movie.  sadly they’re setting her character up for future stuff.  The only future I see is that I like her character even less.  I’m already counting down the days when Han gets older, wiser and moves onto princesses #iKnow

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and whatever this guy was.  he sucked.  too much monkey bidness.  bad CGI.  just dumb.  naturally he was voiced by Jon Favererauuu

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Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Solo HANds it to you at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Filmworker
Kubrick’s Right AND Left Hand Man
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 94 min

Leon Vitali was once an actor on the up and up.  He was the prissy Lord Bullingdon in Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon, and after working with the director, he wanted to work for him, and did, FOR LIFE!  AND BEYOND KUBRICK’S LIFE!!! 

Most people would give their left testicle to have worked with Stanley, and Vitali did (and gave up acting to do so), and he also gave his right testicle and every other appendage to be his right hand man from The Shining til Eyes Wide Shut, and everything in between – including all the unrealized projects, and minutia that came from Kubrick’s direct demanding demeanor  

Sounds like the most amazing job of all time, right?  Amazing, if you don’t like having a life, or a moment to sleep, or yourself.  Such was and IS Vitali’s life – that of a Filmworker, the title of the doc by Tony Zierra that is a BEYOND MUST SEE for anyone that’s a fan of Kubrick and his work (which I would assume is 100% of people who have ever seen a motion picture)

Besides the wonderful reflections and insight from Vitali himself, we get a lot of great additional tidbits from those who worked with both Leon and Stanley (and watched Leon suffer for Stanley and his art), from the UK Warner Bros staff, to Lyndon co-star Ryan O’Neal, the rarely seen or interviewed Danny from The Shining, Full Metal Jacket‘s Matthew Modine, newly dearly departed R. Lee Ermey, and the poor guy who had Ermey’s drill sergeant role before losing it to him - Tim Colceri (HEARTBREAKING!!!).  Not sure what the point of interviewing Phil Rosenthal was or the other people who didn’t seem to have a connection were, but lets just assume Zierra couldn’t get Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman to sit down with him and chat

Kubrick didn’t make it to the 21st century, but his legacy lives on and his presence STILL looms large thanks to Leon Vitali.  No one outside of his family knew him and his work better than perhaps Vitali did.  When one of Stan’s films need to be restored or re-released, Leon’s the guy they call on, cause that’s the guy Kubrick called on.  Vitali = vital, like this doc

Also, had ZERO idea he was the dude in the red cloak with that awesomely scratchy voice in Eyes Wide Shut (along with the 2833128238 other jobs he had on and off set)!!!  EYES WIDE OPEN!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Filmworker works it in limited release – SEE IT!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Rider
Cowboy Up, And Down, But Not Out
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

Native American… cowboys???  They exist!  And one in particular’s real life story has been turned into an incredible pure American feature film starring the rodeo driver (his family and friends) himself (and themselves)!  Chloé Zhao‘s The Rider is to be seen, and to be savored!   In competition, Brady Jandreau had a horse stomp on his head and almost fatally crush his skull!!!  Brady (who looks like a leaner, rougher Josh Hartnett) was lucky to be alive, but he had to give up the only life he’s known and loved – rodeo horse riding, cause one more false move could spell the end of his days.  But this cowboy would not go gently into that badnight.  Sure, his best friend Lane Scott suffered a worse fate (in the movie AND in real life) – immobilized and incapable of speech – but Brady just wants to get back on a horse – or get as close as he can, like training them.  The ‘will he or won’t’ he tension, trioed with family financial hardships, and his touching relationship with his real-life and screen-life sister with Asperger’s syndrome – Lily, is a triple threat of cinematic awesomeness.  Saddle up folks, this one is for home AND the range

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

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Isle of Dogs
Scruffy Looking Nerd Hoarders
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 105 min

Forget human beings Wes, cause your cutesy minutiae works best when you’re playing with actual toys.  Personally, I don’t think you’ve hit a human home run since Tenenbaums, but as Fantastic Mr Fox and now Isle of Dogs shows, you can be SO freaking creative and provide SO much fantastical fun when utilizing stop-motion animation.  I am not usually a fan of stop-motion animation, or even dogs, or even Greta Gerwig, but you nailed it (minus the Greta Gerwig part)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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The Rider saddles up in limited release, while Dogs remains in da house at a theater near jews AND white nationalists!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chappaquiddick
Sunk Political Aspirations
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 101 min

You’ve heard the names Chappaquiddick, Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne before, but do you truly KNOW the UNTOLD STORY between those three?  I didn’t either, BUT NOW THE TRUTH CAN BE TOLD!!!  IN MOVIE FORM!

CHAPPAQUIDDICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

And?

Chappaquiddick > Chappaqua

Chappaquiddick > quidditch 

Chappaquiddick > Japaquidbitch (whatever that means)

but fo’realz, this movie has more umph and gusto and infotainment to it in every inch of its being than the snoozefest The Post had in all of its snoozing.  TAKE THAT THE POST!!!  Take your Oscar nominations and shove em up yer a$$!

But I’m a sucker for faux Kennedy accents and novelty teef, and so I was THE target audience to watch Jason Clarke loom large as the Massachusetts Senator done bad and make dumb.  You root for Jason as Ted, and you shake your head at him/them, and then you want to smack him like father Joe does (Bruce Dern, making quite the splash with limited strokes), and then you want hug him, and then you want to shrug him, and then you want to vote for him, and then you want to leave theater cause the movie has ended and there’s nothing left to see, but there was PLENTY to see, including Kate Mara drown, and Ed Helms be effective in a drama (when I didn’t think he could shake his funniness and be serious), and Jim Gaffigan do the same (although he barely has anything to do, and he’s still the biggest waste of CBS Sunday Morning screentime), and Clancy Brown with slicked back McNamara hair!!!

The truth has been told, or whatever truth they claim to be true, and I fell for it, hook, line and sunk-her

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chappaquiddick doesn’t suck dick at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…