Bernie
Saint Misbehavin
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

The true dark story of rich old lady killer Bernhardt ‘Bernie’ Tiede is charmed up with a giant wide Texas smile by Richard Linklater by way of Jack Black with a mustache and a jacked-up waistline.  Played sorta for laughs, but not really all that funny, this black comedy is more like a gray ho-hum that eeks along solely on Jack Black’s ability to keep up a sweet face from beginning to end.  Shirley MacLaine is the old lady, and outside of a scene of her chewing, she doesn’t do much scenery chewing.  Matthew McConaughey, in 80s bidness man glasses, is all bidness, and the only man in the tiny town who seems to think that Bernie’s capable of evil.  Everyone else rants and raves about Bernie and his good deeds (deeded with her money) in a faux-documentary style that makes you wish they had juss made an actual documentary instead of making a movie that barely berns

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bernie flickers in limited release

still, this poster is tres bestest

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Raven
While I Nodded, Nearly Napping, Suddenly There Came A Crapping
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 111 min

With the success of those mostly sucky, kinda watchable Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes flicks, it was only a matter of time before some other ye olde classic literary figure got the hyperetic overblown big screen treatment.  Apparently it was Edgar Allan Poe‘s turn to create riches, which makes sense, since the master of the macabre has endless fodder in his cannon to make a big boom boom.  So why then does James McTeigue‘s Raven feel so un-Poe-tic, and makes for a mostly big boo boo????  Hactually, it’s no real sirprize tat all, considering that James McT’s the same guy who took V Is For Vendetta and made it L Is For Lames-ies

Thanks to John Cusack‘s energetic performance as EAP, The Raven is sorta kinda a little bit watchable, but ultimately it’s just a meandering and pointless and kinda boring made up adventure about the guy who gave Baltimore’s football team a name. So what’s the story? Well, apparently some dude is obsessed with Poe’s writing and decides to murder people, just like how people are murdered in Poe’s writings!  Hmmmm, this could sorta work as a movie thing.  Then Poe’s lady (the overly teethy Alice Eve) is kidnapped by the killer, so the stakes get doubled!  Poe aint alone in this battle.  He’s got this annoyingly scowling inspector (Luke Evans, who might have permanently damaged his brow from all the scowling he done does) leading the charge, and he will not be stopped until he can stop all of this.  Sadly, it takes way too long to stop, and the hunt for the killer juss aint all that interesting, even if the reveal of the killer is sorta kinda interesting.  Oh, and Brendan Gleeson is in this for some reason, cause why not, it’s Brendan Gleeson!  But they don’t let him be funny, which is sorta Brendan Gleeson’s thing, sorta

moral of the story – Poe is cool.  The Raven, not so much.  Eversnore!

Bitched At Swirth: when you can’t get Jake Gylennnahhaallllalalllnnal, get Carter Oliver Jackson-Cohen

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Raven flaps & yaps its wings today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Trishna
Rorschach Tess
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

There’s a famous book that you may have heard of called Tess of the d’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy.  We don’t know a thing about it, cept that it’s probably about a girl named Tess and she’s of d’Ubervilles.  Man, remembering how to spell ‘d’Urbervilles’ is about as hard as remembering how to spell ‘hors d’oeuvres’!  And did you know that the lady of the d’Ubervilles has no relation whatsoever to the lady of Cat Stevens song ‘Lady d’Arbanville’???

Now that that’s settled, one of a kind/wunderkind director Michael Winterbottom has taken the Tess text, whatever it is, and renamed her Trishna of no family name, and moved her story to India.  Since we don’t know the source material, it’s hard to compare how they compare, but this movie is kinda the bomb-bay… well, for a Winterbottom movie that is.  Rule of thumb/numb – if Michael Winterbottom has directed a movie, it’s probably worth seeing.  Trishna is no exception, and probably one of the more exceptional movies he’s done did.  It’s true!

Trishna is Freida Pinto, a peasant girl who works for peanuts to provide for her family.  One day, her traditional dancing  catches the eye of Richie Rich Riz Ahmed (he was in Wintery’s Road to Guantanamo) and he plucks her from poverty to work at one of his father(Roshan Seth, he of the Temple of Doom!)’s hotels.  Since he’s a man, of course he has ulterior motives, like getting into her pants.  She’s shy, and he’s nice, but guards are eventually lowered and so are pants.  Then Trish leaves, returns home, takes care of some unwanted bidness, and the Richie Rich guy goes chasing after her.  They decide to live together in the big city, where him being rich and her being poor isn’t a big deal, and everything goes really darn swell (smiles! more dancing! the life of luxury!), until things change and aren’t going well, and then things GET FREAKING CRAZY!!!!  This flick’s got love, hate, secrets, lies, thighs, Pinto, no beans, beautiful scenery, Indian stuff, some happiness, much sadness AND MUCH MORE!

moral of the story – oh, Trish, of the d’Oeuvres, why do fools fall in love, especially with rich fools who seem to be nice but really are juss controlling iceholes??!?!??!?!  TRAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  we totally now want to read the book watch one of them stuffy British TV mini-series adaptations!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Trishna opens in theaters May 18

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

American Reunion
Help End American Pie Unemployment
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 113 min

You either want to see a movie reunion of the American Pie cast or you don’t.  If you do, you’ll be rewarded with pretty much exactly what you expected + with probably more laffs than you expected to laffs (more funnier than Hangover II).  If you don’t want to see it, then you are un-American Pie.  We pity these actors, because they are good actors and they don’t work all that often.  We also pity Tara Reid.  Poor girl [NSFW]. These people need money, and we should give them our money because we love these people.  Plus Stifler is genuinely a great movie character, 9999 zillions times more so than Mr Chow or any role Ken Jeong plays could ever is be.  9reals.  Seriously, 11reals

Cobrin Bursome & Then Some: we wants us a piece of …

Ali Cobrin

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

American Reunsion is what it is SO DEAL WITH IT, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Marley
Wailer of a Good Time, Mon
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

You think you know the story of Bob Marley (he’s that dude who made those amazing reggae songs and smoked a lot of pot!!), but you really don’t the story of Bob Marley (his dad was white, and absent, he really loved soccer, and he had children with at least 7 different women), and although Kevin Macdonald‘s exhaustive and exhausting doc Marley tells the story of Bob Marley as best as it possibly can, we somehow still feel like we didn’t get the full story on Bob Marley.  And that’s OK, mon.  No problem, mon.  Fo’real mon!  Really?  Yeah mon, cause how could a doc about Bob Marley, officially sanctioned & supported by the Marley clan (Rita Marley, Ziggy Marley, Cedella Marley), including all the choice Bob Marley tunes, that gives us a good enuff overview of Bob Marley’s life, from shantytown birth til painful cancerous death, not be something worth seeing?  Guess what, it’s all true, and so it’s worth seeing!

This documentary has been a long gestating project, passing thru the hands of Martin Scorsese, Jonathan Demme, and finally into Macdonald’s.  Macdonald, taking a break from his not so fabulous narrative work (The Eagle, State of Play), returns to where he belongs – doc making.  He gave us One Day in September and Touching the Void, two of the best films docs we’ve ever seen, EVER.  Marley isn’t eggzactly in league with those two, but then again, not much else is.  EAT THAT EVERY OTHER DOC!!!

The talking heads are endless, and endlessly loving (guess he was incapable of being bad.  even his infidelities were accepted!), from the living Marleys (the ones mentioned above + Bob’s mom Cedella Booker), to ex-lovers (Cindy Breakspeare), bandmates (Bunny Wailer, who we could listen to talk pretty much all day long), to even a janitor who worked at a recording studio.  And while their stories are a treat, still, something feels missing… like a deeper understanding of who Bob Marley actually is and was.  Seriously, who was Bob Marley, and what was he is and was???

moral of the (Bob Marley) story – well, he’s that dude who made those amazing reggae songs and smoked a lot of pot, had a white daddy, who was absent, he really loved soccer, and had children with at least 7 different women.  get up, stand up, go to a theater, learn a lil more, and inhale his music.  it’s that simple, like this pretty simple doc, that’s simply one (giant) love (fest), and you love Bob Marley, right?  if you don’t, you need to Exodus planet Earth you idiot

Pop Marley: here lie the only known photo of Bob’s pop, Norval Sinclair Marley.  we smiled & chuckled everytime it popped up in the doc

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Marley lights up in many select theaters & Video On Demand today, 4/20!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…