Thighs Wide Shut

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Garbage In, Garbage Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 146 min

enuff’s been said already…

CATCHING FIRE was a bad bad future movie but @ least tried harder 2b less of a piece of flamin shit than its predecessor. still sucked ballz

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

what’s mindblowing about THE HUNGER GAME movies is how uninteresting the actual hunger games are — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

college football and THE HUNGER GAMES have something in common – their games are meaningless and I couldn’t give a sh!t about either — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) December 1, 2013

don’t know if its the actors or the characters they play, but there couldn’t be any less compelling movie people than movie Katnipps & Pita

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

I know there’s a lot of $$ & exposure, but can’t figure out why real actors (Sutherland, PhilSeyMo, Jeff Wright) would take part in garbage

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

 

 

but two positive things to say!!!

the only positive take away from these HUNGER GAMES movies is Stanley Tucci and his hair and teeth going to 11

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

&

@mikescollins – it happened – I have the minor hots 4 Jena Malone – due to her raccoon eyes and elevator action in H GAMES: CATCHING SNOOZES

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 30, 2013

–

wow, what a piece of fcuking crap. it’s JUSS as awful as The Apple, cept The Apple is awesomely bad and Catching Snoozes is just bad (same applied with the first movie)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Hunger lames it up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Turning The Apartheid
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 139 min

Nelson Mandela is quite the character, having previously been played by likes of Sidney Poitier(!), twin Morgan Freeman (in the blah Invictus), Terrence Howard, Danny Glover, and Dennis Haysbert (Denzel gets a pass cause he played Steve Biko in Cry Freedom).  We have not seen all these incarnations, but all MUST pale in comparison to what Idris Elba did, walking mighty mighty tall in Mandela’s shoes (IT’S A ‘LONG WALK’ PUN, SORTA!!!).  It won’t happen, but Elba deserves the Best Actor statue (yes, even over Hanks or any of the other dudes who played people getting beaten by white people or the ocean) for his work in Justin Chadwick‘s clean and crisp and really darn good (enuff) Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.  Mandela’s life has so much ground to cover that it could spawn and be spread over 10+ movies (hence his national rugby team supporting got its own movie), but Chadwick and writer William Nicholson do a quality job of covering all the bases and dropping all the key people/places/things right before our eyes, in under 2 hours and 30 minutes of perspiration and inspiration.  Credit Naomie Harris too (I’d like to spend 28 days later and like 28 years with her!!!), who embodies the character of Mandela’s long-suffering from a distance wife Winnie.  The former Mrs ‘dela has also been played by a wide array of ladies – most recently by Jennifer Hudson and the brilliant Sophie Okonedo.  Haven’t seen their performances either, but assuming Jennifer Hudson singing Dreamgirls tunes in South Africa won’t lead to a second trip to the Oscar podium.  Again, don’t know if it will happen, but Harris should get the Supporting Actress statue this year.  Anywho, take the shortest walk you can to a theater near you playing this, and remember, you have the freedom that Mandela didn’t, so go ahead, get the biggest popcorn and soda you can order, juss cause you can!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Walk this way, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bettie Page Reveals All
Pin-Up, Chin-Up
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

You saw that Notorious Bettie Page movie, right?????  If you wanted to see Gretchen Mol gloriously topless in a gloriously filmed ‘art’ movie you most certainly did!!!  That movie was purty dang good, but we felt it to be rather incomplete –  wondering ‘whatever became of her, post-pin-up daze’???  Yeah, WHAT HAPPENED TO BETTIE PAGE AFTER SHE WENT FROM PIN-UP QUEEN TO WOMAN IN HIDING QUEEN?????  Well, for those thirsting for that ‘what’ (ME! ME! ME! ME!), Mark Mori‘s doc delivers the answers, in spades AND boobs, and in Bettie Page‘s own words/voice!!!!!  Sadly, the doc itself looks like it was edited by a 6 year old film student using a Commodore 64, but slipshoddiness aside, if you have ANY interest in Bettie or her boops OR boobs, you GOTS to give in and check out Bettie Page Reveals All, for all is revealed, just like the title sez!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

a Page turner opens in NY tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

sorry, gotz to jet, juss thought of something that needs my immediate attention.  now where’s that bottle of lotion and box of kleenexessz???

(Bettie herself rules, but I choose Mol as Page over the real thing every day, ALL DAY!!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Dallas Buyers Club
Membership Has It’s Privileges – Avoiding Death
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

Ron Woodroof was a real man, with a real mustache.  He did chicks & drugs, drank an a$$load, and was a rodeo hard rider – a true Dallas cowboy.  But how can a cowboy avoid being negative by being HIV positive?  Woodroof contracted the disease in 1985, when a diagnosis of such basically = death, but he refused his death sentence.  No cure exists, and barely any treatments did back then, but Woodroof took the bull by the horns on his own, and tried to get better, by any means possible – barely legal and beyond illegal.  When America and the FDA provided no answers or help, Woodfroof sought out his own treatment south of the border, and headed back up north with a trunkload of supplies to help himself and others.  He formed a club, where a paid membership came with free drugs.  It’s like Robin Hood with AIDS drugs, for a profit, where no one really wins!

Based off of Dallas Morning News‘ Bill Minutaglio’s 1992 article, Jean-Marc Vallée‘s Dallas Buyers Club chronicles Woodroof’s struggle with being a straight man contracting such a ‘gay’ disease, and how he fought it at every turn.  Matthew McConaughey plays Woodroof, inside and outside – from the twang, the stache, down to the being as skinny as humanly possibles, which is basically a skeleton with 1 cm of skin.  WOAH.  And McConaughey plays the living SH!T outta this character.  He usually does of any character, but we sometimes forget this, cause sometimes he’s starring in garbage romantic comedies with Goldie Hawn’s daughter.  Joining him on the ‘fun’ are a sympathetic nurse, blaaaaaaaaaah-ly played by the always blah Jennifer Garner, and Jared Leto as a transsexual club employee AND member, that you won’t soon un-re-member.  Also, there are about 3 other actors with awesome MUST-staches that are a MUST see in their own right!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

enroll in the Club – currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Armstrong Lie
Fraudstrong
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

I have never cared for, nor paid attention to anything having to do with Lance Armstrong.  I’m not into cycling, the Tour de France, those Livestrong wristbands, who Lance dated, who Lance duped, how Lance doped, if he actually did it, why he would have done it, yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda cyclying zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  The media loves a good celebrity scandal – I could care less.  I’m more into serial killers and assassinations and unsolved mysteries that are actually mysterious, not athletes cheating  

Now that we’ve got that out of the way – it’s time to review Alex Gibney‘s exhaustive and exhausting (par for the course of any doc he’s made) The Armstrong Lie.  Originally launched as a puff-piece documentary chronicling Armstrong’s comeback trail to the ‘009 Tour de France, it turned into something completely different after he admitted to cheating to Oprah/the public

But something funny happened on the way to vilifying the cheating, lying scum that is Lance Armstrong – you end up rooting for the guy.  Gibney basically sez so himself – being duped on his doping, but as the doc plays out, you watch a man who juss can’t/won’t/don’t quit, and wants to make his nagging naysayers say ‘yay’ not ‘nay’, and in general – just win the damn race, and amazingly, you truly will feel sympathetic for a man who has become so pathetic  

Yes, he lied, and denied, and yes, he cheated, and did everything in his power to hide that fact, but apparently everyone else in his sport did so, AND THEM SOME.  They all broke the rules, but if the playing field is level with EVERYONE cheating, doesn’t it make it fair???  I mean, he still won those races.  Nothing changes that.  They may strip him of his actual titles, but if he didn’t win them, who did?  They next cheater in line???  And what about his foundation?  Sure, its leader and icon is a total fraud, but the money raised for awareness and support of cancer patients helped – not hurt  

The lies juss perpetually got bigger and bigger AND BIGGGGGGER, and why would he or anyone associated with him want to make the fame & fortune & winning & helping stop?  Well, now it has stopped, and where do we go from here?  Nowhere, cause we still don’t care for him or racing or duping, even if we juss did for 2 hours 

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Armstrong strong arms it into NY/LA/Austin today, and elsewhere elsewhen

Chewing The Neck Fat: there’s only one thing Gibney didn’t get to the bottom of – what’s up with Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman‘s neck????

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…