Miles Ahead
Horns & Thorns
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Don Cheadle IS Miles Davis in a movie he co-wrote, produced and directed and starred in AND PLAYED MUSIC IN – Miles Ahead.  I don’t know exactly what Miles Davis is or was (of course I know his music, and his funky 70s-80s hair), but whatever Don is doing as Miles is now Miles Davis to me.  WAY TO GO DON!!  And nice job directing your first movie!  So when are you making the Canadian version - Kilometers Ahead?

You can feel the fcuk out of the passion in this passion project, and cause you can feel this passion, you can ignore any minor squabbles one might have with the movie – like Michael Stuhlbarg‘s mustache, or Ewan McGregor in general, or its choppiness, ans sometimes dopiness, or not getting a full picture of Miles’ life, BUT I dug on Cheadle as Davis, even if most of it was glum and glummer, and you will too, and that’s that.  But mainly we need to talk about how…

Emayatzy Corinealdi is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMN FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Miles Ahead forges ahead currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
Feta Re-Upped
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 94 min

10 minutes into My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, when the entire cast from 1 shows up to a college fair, embarrassing Nia Vardalos and John Corbett‘s kin Elena Kampouris, I thought – this movie is about to head DEEP into Awfulville and set up permanent residency there.  But somehow, it left Awfulville and headed west into Acceptableville, and then onto Itsreallynotthatbadville, and settled in juss nicely to Icantbelieveikindaenjoyedthismovieville!

I did not pay to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 – and I probably wouldn’t pay to see it knowing what I know, but I would STILL see it.  Why?  My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is probably the most harmless movie I’ve seen in awhile – and all it wants to do is ooze ouzo happiness and in turn make you happy  

Sure, Nia Vardalos is still annoying and very annoying and super annoying, and the jokes and stereotypes are recycled from the first film, and our characters do as much growing as a Chia Pet does without seeds or water, and the script was probably written on a stack of napkins, and there’s as much drama and plot as 2 seasons of Salute Your Shorts combined, and it’s kinda too much of a Rita Wilson vanity project (she produced it, gave herself a small role, AND sings the song playing over the closing credits), but who cares?

If you enjoyed spending ANY amount of time with this ‘zany’ Greek-American family 14 years ago, you can probably survive, and actually enjoy a reunion with them today, and maybe even laff a little, like I did – pretty much anytime Andrea Martin or Michael Constantine said or did anything

Opa!

But seriously Nia, no love for the Gyro poster girl???

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Greek invents happiness at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

10 Cloverfield Lane
Archie Bunkered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

I’ve always looked at Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Brie Larson as hip modern hottie awesome acting equals.  They’ve shared credits in two movies – the too cool for its own good Scott Pilgrim vs. the World + the not another teeny movie The Spectacular Now, and they share my love and attention

Brie hit the jackpot with Room, but methinks Mary Elizabeth Winstead could have pulled off the role too.  And how do I know this?  Winstead got a Room of her own – in 10 Clovefield Lane – a not so-sequel sequel to the kinda meh 2008 movie without a # or street type.  But in Cloverfield Lane, ME Winstead isn’t stuck in a room with her kid (so there’s not much to sniffle about here) – she’s a girl stuck in a bunker with a crackpot John Goodman and a bearded John Gallagher Jr (who played Brie’s boyfriend in the great Short Term 12), and it’s weird and strange and mysterious and it keeps you guessing and stuff, all in a good AND uneasy way

Cloverfield Lane aint no Room, cause it’s Room meets The Martian meets 28 Days Later.  Explaining why it’s all those meetings would give things away, and I don’t want to give away any of the fun of this fun movie, that’s not really fun, but it is, but it isn’t

Sure, Winstead won’t be getting any Oscar noms for her peformance in Cloverfield, but she’s juss as good as Larson is in her Room.  Life isn’t fair, Oscars are certainly not fair, but if there were an awards for bestest eyes, Winstead would beat out Larson easily and breezily.  The eyes have it, and Winstead’s have me, for always and 5ever

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Cloverfield bunkers down at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Witch
Fraught Pilgrims vs the World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

Somewhere between The Crucible and The Village (and The Wicker Man) lives Robert Eggers‘ The Witch – a quiet creeper that will have you shying away from the woods, and goats, and time traveling back to a time in American history where pilgrims prided themselves on their own pride

This story is about a pilgrim family, expelled from a pilgrim colony, and forced to make it on their own in the New England wilderness of the 17th century (that’s the 1600s, for those knot in the know).  The family doesn’t have much beyond themselves and prayer.  There’s a father (Ralph Ineson, better known as The Office‘s Finchy) whose trying to keep his family afloat (and somehow builds an entire house on his own… although the building of said house is not shown in the movie), a wife (Kate Dickie) who doesn’t seem to do too much, outside of birthing kids and yelling at them, and… a bunch of kids.  The one kid doing most of the stuff around the household (Anya Taylor-Joy) lets the one thing happen that never should have – as she was caring for her baby brother – BOOM – the baby disappears!!  Where did the baby go?  Was it snatched up by a wolf?  A witch?  A wolfwitch? A chipwich?????

This is where things get quieter and creepier – and where our family members start venturing into the woods, when you know they shouldn’t go anywhere near it.  More bad things happen, again, and again, and family members start to get possessed, and then they start turning on one another.  More bad things happen, and then things go even quieter, and even creepier, and BOOM – the movie ends

What happened?  What’s up with that woman who looks like the woman from the Shining bathtub?  Why does this feel like an M Night Shamalalaananan movie (the good kind, like he used to make)?  Who would want to leave their country and live in the middle of nowhere of a new country?  How is Finchy not in every movie???  You might have the same questions, or form your own, but The Witch won’t answer any of them – it will juss A and B-witch you from start to finish!!!

Ode To Joy: Anya T-Joy is one to watch (and gawk at!)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Witch is boom and vroooooooom at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Big Short
The Rooting of All Evils
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 130 min

Movies about the subprime mortgage crisis are either boring, too wordy, or juss not all that good (or all three).  Luckily Adam McKay‘s cinematic take on Michael Lewis‘ book The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine is none of the above, although it admits to its audience that it is very wordy, but tries its best to put all the money talk into layman’s terms for us by breaking the 4th wall

We all know things didn’t go quite well with our economy in 2007, but did you know that there were some dudes who saw it coming and profited from it, by betting on America failing????  Yes, it’s true, although some names have been changed to protect the profiteers. And so you sit there, and you root for the dudes to make money by America losing!  You know that bubble’s gonna burst, and they do too, and we want them to win, cause what’s a movie if there are no heroes?  The big shots in The Big Short aren’t really heroes, but compared to the villainous big banks and the clueless government officials not seeing what troubles lie ahead, they are our heroes

We don’t need another hero!!!

Yeah, but if these smart money dudes are played by the likes of Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Finn Wittrock, John Magaro, and even a subdued Brad Pitt, who’s gonna root against those dudes???  

Come to think of it – the casting is super genius.  I mean, actor-wise – OBVIOUSLY, but lady-wise – BLAM.  You’re a guy, and you want to see a movie about economics and how you gonna sell that on your lady (or boyfriend or left hand or whatever you finger bang)?  Uh, honey, there’s a movie with Brad and Ryan and Christian in it.  Wanna see it?

So fcuking money, and you DO know it

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Short comes up Big at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…