Thighs Wide Shut

Enter The Void
Void Where Prohibited
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Remember last April when we all discovered the ‘single greatestestest set of opening credits mt EVERest and Erebus!!!!!’??  Here they be again, if your brain need re-frying

Well, who had any idea what kind of movie could follow that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And the answer is basically indescribable, undefinable (Lady On The Lake set to the sounds of Daft Punk?), unwatchable, unbelievable, and undeniable!!!!  It is Gaspar Noé‘s follow-up to his un-follow-upable Irreversible (the movie with the 9 minute rape scene… that we actually took our parents to go and see.  FACT!): Enter The Void, and it is THE MOST FU&KED-UP MOVIE WE HAVE EVER SEEN, and it is one of the most hellish on earthish movie experiences we have ever endured (and we’ve sat thru a lot of painful stuff. Trash Humpers anyone?), and we cannot recommend that you see it whatsoever, and yet it might not only be the movie of the year, but maybe one of cinema’s all time greatestsssttsss visual accomplishments EVERRRRRRRRRRRRsss.  Yes, it’s that contradictory, and it will dick with yer mind and senses and it will make you explode internally (implode?).  Same thing will be true when viewed 100 years from now (film students will ogle and marvel and study the heck outta dem seamless whooping crane shots from place to place).  If you do dare to enter Enter The Void, go sober, leave wasted.  You will feel sick.  We did, literally, to our stomachs.  GROSS!!!  You will never look at neon colors the same again.  You will never want to go to Tokyo.  You will fear anyone who has a crotch that glows.  You will never want to see an extreme close-up of a penis ever again, even if you love penises AND extreme close-ups. If you don’t smoke cigarettes, this movie will make you a 6 pack a day smoker.  If you can’t deal with the 5 minute MTV-banned video of Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ [NSFW] then DO NOT ENTER cause it’s like that times 32.2 and with more neon AND boobs (Paz de la Huerta‘s, natch!) and drugs and bitch smackings ups and banananananananaszzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!

O M F Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd.  Who gives this guy money to make movies????????  Whomever it is, please stop AND also don’t ever stop.  We firmly believe that all movies should be entertaining, but being visually lynched and raped is sometimes the exception to the rule that rulesssssssssssss!  AYE CARAYMBBBBBBBBBBBBBASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We head aches juss thinking about it!!!  Hell, we hate this movie so much that we don’t ever want to see it again, but love it cause we hate it and it’s more challenging than trying to watch both Changeling movies on the Challenger!!!  What a beautiful car wreck, and oh yeah, beware of the car wreck!!!!!!  Death!!!!  Life after death!!!!  Abortions!!!! Birth!!!! Rebirth!!!!  Afterbirth!!!!  A hotel of people f$%king with glowing crotches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Enter The Void, exit this review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Voids To Enter: peep this numb-minding music vid Noé made for ‘Si Mince’ by Arielle

Verdictgo: the impossible… Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous AND Breast In Show

Enter The Void today only in NY & LA, and on IFC on-demand on 9/29! (although if you can find the courage to ever see it, the big screen is the way to go)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The A-Team
The Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Team
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

As a youngin, we loved ourselves us some Stephen J. Cannell & Frank Lupo TV version of The A-Team.  Haven’t watched it since then, so either the show hasn’t aged well and this unwanted big screen version (were people really clamoring for one, 17 years after the fact?) apes and confirms that, or the movie itself is juss another sorry eggscuse for making cash from a dormant brand name, without honoring the brand (The Brady Bunch Movie is the gold standard on how to do it properly)?  Maybe both?

Maybe it was doomed to fail regardless since it didn’t star Mr. T.  And why didn’t they let Mister Mr do his thing, especially over the charmless Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson? T wouldn’t have needed to do any crazy stunts in his old age, besides drive the van and maybe hit people with it.  And while the rest of the casting choices were inspired (Liam Neeson sure relishes them stogies, Bradley Cooper is a perfect doucheboat and Sharlto Copley is more zany than his name suggests), nothing else here is.  Things go boom, but fizzle, Jessica Biel has boobs but always is a boo, and anyone is a pitiful fool if they spend one penny or more than one minute watching this horse pi$$

The ‘J’ Stands for J’awesome: Ubu, sit on this!!  The Stephen J. Cannell Productions logos!!!!

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous,

A-Team steams like a pile of hot dog poo at a theater near jews (not for long)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Get Him To The Greek
Crock Star
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Don’t worry kids, he, Jonah Hill, gets him, Russell Brand, to the Greek.  It’s not the comeback special concert in the end that matters though, mainly cause the movie’s given up by then, but it’s the journey to the stage.  So what about the journey?  It stinks of not trying, while trying too hard to be hard, while trying to be all soft and being about as softball as the questions that Larry King tosses to his guests.  Wurst importantly, it contains a total of one laugh (Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs, who is to acting as we are to grammmerr, eats his own head.  HA!).  Even their faux music videos are more tired than they are satire (see ‘PoP Goes My Heart’ from Music In Lyrics for how it’s done).  Sarah Marshall has been long forgotten in our minds, and Nicholas Stoller‘s totally harmless, yet udderly lamefull spin off is as forgettable as the memorable lines of UPN’s Shasta McNasty

Byrne Baby Byrne: the only rose amongst all the thorns is Rose Byrne, who steps up her game a bit here, going toe to ho with Brand as his rock tart squeeze, and who wouldn’t want to squeeze her?

Verdictgo: a comedy is suppose to be funny, this isn’t, so, a mild, but still deserving Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Greek currently reeks at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Trash Humpers
Be Kind, Don’t, Korine
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Trash Humpers is the most unwatchable movie since Inland Empire.  We’d rather watch Willem Dafoe’s penis squirt blood 7 times over than watch 7 seconds of whatever Trash Humpers is/was.  Lo-fi camcorder VHS aesthetics is fine by us, as long as it isn’t used to film people humping trash in masks that not even Mask would wear.  The trash humpers should hump this movie cause it’s trash.  Trash should be insulted cause it’s not as garbage as Trash Humpers is be.  We’d rather be humped by Brian Peppers than write one more word about Trash Humpers

Very Watchable: writer/director Harmony Korine‘s previous work, the impressionistic impersonator tale Mister Lonely.  a muss see for anyone with eyes, and even for those who don’t!

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Hump goes dry this Friday in NY only, and elsewhere elsewhen.  you’ve been warned

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Don McKay
Putting The ‘No’ In Noir
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Thomas Haden Church IS Don McKay IN Don McKay, the movie that wants to be 9 kinds of movies, but has enuff trouble trying to pull off being juss one movie.  Nice try Jake Goldberger, and poor THChurch (this guy is comedy gold, and yet no one has taken advantage of that post-Sideways), but what in the heck was all this and that about?  Yer plot be: Donnie McKay is a lonely janitor, brought back to his hometown, which he ran away from after some bad stuffs that happened ages ago, by his high school sweetheart Elisabeth Shue (still want her to be our babysitter!), who may or may not be dying, and when her jealous doctor (James Rebhorn) attacks Don and Don attacks back and kills him, Don plays hide, while Shue and her nurse (a plucky Melissa Leo) play seek, but all is not what it seems, but nothing that seems is what all, and what????  Stuff happens, M. Emmet Walsh drives a cab (but doesn’t use the whole fist), Keith David is here too and is not David Keith, but he’s not really here much at all, and he has some sorta jukebox with a mind of its own and this script has a mind of its own, and then the long lost Pruitt Taylor Vince pops in, and this movie poops out and huhhhh?  Never finding its stride, a tone or much of anything, Don McKay is one little mess, with a movie somewhere buried inside, but don’t bother picking up the shovel

The Eyes Have It: wees was always wondering what the dealio was with Pruitt Taylor Vince‘s eyes was was, and spanks to wiki-poodia, wees has gots an answer, pathologic nystagmus!!!

Verdictgo: it’s not the wurst movie we’ve ever seen, but it’s not a movie so Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donnie opens today in NY/LA & Mass(?) only, and elsewhere elsewhen

+ now available on DVD…

Afghan Star
Throw Me The Idol, I’ll Throw You The Whip
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Everything we’ve ever learned about modern Afghani life we learned by watching Havana Marking‘s Afghan Star.  There’s something really wrong with that statement, but lessthenone, it’s true.  The doc follows four contestants in the nation’s version of American Idol, and as one would expect, the differences are glaring.  We have red and blue states here, but in their neck of the woods, there are more divisions amongst the populace than there are divisions in the NFL.  TV was banned under Taliban rule, so the show itself, put together by people who really don’t know much about putting together a TV show, is an act of freedom.  Even the voting for contestants is no novelty, as it’s actually one of the first bits of democracy these citizens have ever tasted.  While there’s plenty of interesting stuffs found within (it aint easy being a woman in this country!!), after about 30 minutes of watching this, you’ll quickly get the gist, and yer left with about an hour to sit through.  Still, it’s worth a look if you want a lil info-tainment, amongst all the American garbage yer already sitting through

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…