Thighs Wide Shut

Garden Party
Amateur Hour… and a Half
Trailers & Mo

Thank Jeebus that Ricky Nelson‘s deceased, cause we don’t think he’d wanna live in a world where a film named after one of his hit songs sucks so darn much (we’re also curious if he’d wanna live in a world where his sons’ Matt & Gunnar have prettier hair than most women). Sometimes a movie can get by with C-list material if the cast is up to the challenge, but when the cast is straight off the F-list (the only recognizable faces are Marissa Cooper’s sister, the Eyes Wide Shut whore, and that dude with the brows bushier than Bert of Ernie fame) you’ll end up with something that’s not even passable as a straight-to-DVD product. Garden Party‘s snoozingly follows the lives of an artist, a wandering musician, a jail bait teen, a not so secretly gay guy who secretly wants to dance, a real estate mogul who sweetens her deals with pot, and a dude who takes pictures of naked chicks for the internets. And what do they all have in common? Well, besides a lot of wooden acting, they all are a bunch of lost souls traipsing around the city of lost souls, Los Angeles (WOW, what a novel idea!). Most of the characters will eventually cross paths, but you won’t care, cause all these roads lead to nowhere. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Native Grima Wormtongue: Brad Dourif + Joni Dourif = daughter Fiona. yikes!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Eight Miles High!
(Das Wilde Leben)
Exile On Lame Street
Trailers & Mo

How could a biopic about a ’60s German sex symbol, who had flings with revolutionaries, some crazy adventurer with a mustache, Hendrix, Mick and Keef (above, Alexander Scheer, who gives Johnny Depp a run for his money as bestest Richards impersonator) be so uninteresting? Did we mention that there are at least 8 scenes of NSFWedness and yet it’s still a bore fest and 101/102ths? Beyond sum beautiful scenery and decent future JO material for home spewing, there’s little to recommend about the life and grinds of Uschi Obermaier put on display in this film. Then again, whatta ya expect when the people Obermaier were banging are more worthy of exploration than she is. There’s no discernible tale to tell here, juss a bunch of floating from one bed to the next that always resulted with the last man deep in a pile of jealousy. Perhaps a documentary woulda been a better route to go, and put some meaning into all this meaningless sex

Almost Famous: peep real snaps of Uschi, inlcuding ones with Mick AND Keef!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Edge of Heaven
(Auf der anderen Seite)
ALMOST Heaven
Trailers & Mo

Two characters die in The Edge of Heaven, and believe it or snot, we’re not ruining a thing for you. Hell, the movie itself plays the spoiler when it splits the events into three acts via title cards, with the first two declaring the deaths right at the beginning. And even though we know the predetermined fate of these victims, it still comes as a great shock when the deeds eventually occur. Everything surrounding the events, leading up to and after, are all bits of inspired filmmaking, which comes across in a mos lovely gentle and quiet kinda way. Heaven examines the disconnection and reconnection between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, and where you live and where you come from (this film shuttles back and forth between Germany and Turkey). We read somewhere that this Heaven was kinda like a mini-Babel and we’d have to agree with that fact, cept you’ll walk outta the theater with a little more faith in humanity instead of dread

Gotta Have Faith: Faith Akin is one of a dozen or so directors to lend his talents to the NY version of Paris, je t’aime. We have a stinkin suspicion that his short will probably be a bit better than Zach Braff’s

Verdictgo: it’s a fine fine movie, but a lil too long for its own good so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Garden and Miles open today in limited release, where Heaven has been for awhile. And for some reason, the gripping Roman Polanski doc that was on HBO is now playing in select theaters as well

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

It goes without spraying that if you’ve haven’t seen season one of Mad Men you should stop what yer doing and right that wrong immediately, hispecially before season 2 kicks off on July 27th. And this isn’t a ‘Netflix-it’ kinda series, but one to own, hispecially (pt ii) since it comes in a nifty jumbo Zippo cigarette lighter case! And for those of us who’ve already seen season 1, the new set it a grand way to get our Joan moan jones over and over, or at least until our palms turn hairy

Stop-Loss and Vantage Point were mostly hosed by critics and ignored at the box office, and dat’s a crying shame, considering they both woulda been a lot of fun to see on the big screen. Stop Loss was one of the more watchable Iraqi War flicks we’ve seen of late, mainly cause the action happens at home, and it was also a good warm-up to peep Channing Tatum in uniform, a summer before he brings GI Joe’s Duke to life. Vantage Point is very hammy and repetitive, but it also has kick glass action and William Hurt in probably his least annoying role of the past few years

Maybe yer looking to warm yer heart a bit, well try Papillon or The Year My Parents Went on Vacation on for thighs. Papillon‘s the unbelievable true tale of a French prisoner (Steve McQueen) endlessly trying to escape (with the help of Dustin Hoffman, rawking the bestest set of screen specs mt EVERest). This would be a good one to watch with the fellas. A lil more on the ‘softer’ side, Vacation is about a Brazilian boy whose parents leave him with his grandpa for a year as they hide out from the gov-mint. Turns out gramps is dead and the community ends up looking after the kid. It’s a nice lil foreign flick that has the added bonus of Brazilian World Cup madness thrown into the mix

And last, but certainly not yeast is Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten [TWS review]. Are you a fan of the Clash? It’s a rhetorical question cause you knows they rule the school and if you disagree, go eat a dick or go on and continue to listen to Maroon 5 or whatevsdotorg. Anywho, director Julian Temple tackled the Sex Pistols on his last doc and gives the Clashman the same royal treatment here in the rip roaring musssssssss see. The DVD has 90+ more minutes of interviews from fans and loved ones. is a nice

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

stickers from the 80s [Nipsy Newbsy]

Sacha Baron Cohen as Sherlock Holmes and Will Ferrell as Watson shirley sounds like a good idea, but it’s produced by Judd Apatow, so it’s guaranteed to be 30 minutes too long and not really all that funny

could end up being the greatestestistest cartoon mt EVERest: John Oates and his mustache [Pakula Shaker]

fresh pics of the new 90210‘s new PEACH PIT, although no sign of Joe E Tatatatatata

we still digby Emma Rigby

Camilla Belle and Sharapova serve up some hotness

Conchords manager Murray is ‘present’ in the new Roger Federerererer Nike ad [C-net]

sprekin of Nike, they’ve finally sorta made a limited run of the Air McFly shoes from Back To The Future II (already up for bid on eBay for those who didn’t camp out and have Kobe Bryant deliver them in a DeLorean), although our boys over at the McFly 2015 Project aint satisfied, and we’re sure Ali G isn’t either, as the hoverboard still hasn’t been invented, yet

what, no love for our From Russia With Subs for this Nearly 50 Movie Remakes and Sequels So Bad They Wouldn’t Even Go Straight to DVD post? [Levitticus]

crazy insane graffiti art video thing thing [Navi The Terrible Bowler]

NYC dunn up in Legos [Fun]

a Canuck we’d all love to f%ck

vote Zee

by a show of hands

Lee Iacocca’s Butter Snatchâ„¢

and

Lucy Pinder makes our ice cream and wet dreams cum tru [NSFW]

merry effin Indy Pen Dance day to one and all!

Get Smart
Field Failed Agent
Trailers & Mo

If yer looking for a decent homage to the beyond classic Don Adams starring-Mel Brooks/Buck Henry created Get Smart TV series (one of our dad’s most flavorite shows) you’d be better off skipping this big screen ‘adaptation’ and instead putting a bid on one of Sports Illustrated‘s famed sneaker shoes. Dats right folks, whoever pieced together this film missed it by a lot more than ‘that much‘. Not to say that Get Smart isn’t watchable, cause it kinda is with its spot-on chemistry through casting (new Agent 99 Anne NSFW Hathaway is juss as 69able as old Agent 99 Barbara Feldon) and well put together action sequences that shouldn’t be act-shunned, but the main issue here is that this is supposed to be a comedy, and you won’t find any comedy within, even if you threw a Good Humor truck at the screen (it’s the same sh$t/ship that basically sunk the French spy spoof OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies). We pity Steve Carell. He’s too darn hamazing as Michael Scott on The Office, where he’s supported by some of entertainment’s sharpest writing, that anything else we see him in is an automatic step down (although Dan In Real Life is worth a peepage). Hopefully he’ll keep rocking the small stuff while he attempts to stay dry, sweating in the big stuff

In An Alternate Uni-Reverse: remember the opening scene of The Office‘s fourth episode this past season where, after watching bits and pieces of The Devil Wears Prada, Michael apes Miranda Priestly by tormenting Pam [watch it @ hulu]? we’d love to see the same scene done again, but with Hathaway sitting at Dunder Mifflin’s reception desk… or at least sitting under our desk. what, that doesn’t float yer boat? then maybe you wanna see the straight-to-betamax spin-off flick Get Smart’s Bruce and Lloyd Out of Control, which features the non-comic stylings of Masi Oka and this d-bag

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Incredible Hulk
The Incredulous Bulk
Trailers & Mo

Why does everyone hate on Ang Lee’s Hulk? Juss cause smashing things took a back seat to (oh gasp!) actual character development, does that a bad movie make? We certainly think snot, hispecially since Bruce Banner/The Hulk is one giant character study worth studying, as we proclaimed (and still do) that Lee’s take on the not so-jolly green giant was ‘the best comic book movie since the OG Batman… as long as u erase the last 10 minutes of it from your memory where Nick Nolte becomes like super lightning man or something for no reason‘. So whatta we get with this reboot (one of the wurstest words thrown around in the media today) by the dude who directed Transporter 2 and waz written by the fella who penned the Inspector Gadget flick and the crappy Brett Ratnerfied X-Men? Not one single thing that could be considered better than what was scene and herd in the first try. On top of that, it’s boring. Look, we love Ed Norton like we love our moms (his matzoh soup is probably juss as good), but he’s not as well suited as Eric Bana was (he’s also a bit too gaunt, not matter how much he worked out for the film). And Liv Tyler and William Hurt (who’s slowly becoming one of the mos annoying overactors nick goings) versus Jennifer Connelly and Sam Elliot and his bona fide mustache? Pa-sleaze. Even the action jackson in version 1.0 is dinty moore enjoyable than what went on in 2.0. Remember Hulk leaping over mountains and later tearing up the hills of San Fran? That was a lot more rah-rah sis boom ba-tastic than the crappy crap they flung at us in 2.0, which all seemed to be filmed on sum sh%tty Hollywood back lot. URGH! OK, we’ll admit, the new Hulk did have something that was on par with the old one: the CGI Hulk was juss as awful looking. If this thing gets rebooted (URGH!) for a 3.0 version, they should throw away the computer and give ole Lou Ferrigno (who makes a cameo, again) a green paint job

Want Sumtang Incredible?: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Roman Polanski:
Wanted and Desired
A Not So Noble Roman
Trailer & Mo

Finally, a film that isn’t a remake or a reboot or even close to being repoopulous! Well it is, but not the eye slitting kind. It’s a documentary about the repoopulous trials (both literally and figuratively) and tribulations (more figuratively than literal) that befell Roman Polanski in 1977 (then age 44) after he raped a 13 year-old girl duri
ng a French Vogue photoshoot filled with champagne and quaaludes at Jack Nicholson’s house. Although Polasnki’s a jacka$$ for doing what he did, the judge who dilly dallyed over the case and ensuing media 18-ring circus is an even bigger one, so much so that it almos turns Roman into the victim. As we all know (or you should know), Polanski fled the US before his final sentencing and has yet to return. This shiz is all too repoopulous and redonkeylous to put in words, so peas seek it out and come up with yer own verdictgo

Sleazy Reading: The Smoking Gun‘s gotz the court transcript of the 13 year-old’s testimony

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Smart and Hulk are playing at a theater new Jew, while Polanski is currently airing on HBO before it hits limited theaters on July 11th

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Love Guru
Karma Chameleon
Trailers & Mo

After many years of hiding his face with Shrekdumb, Mike Myers has finally returned to the absurd character comedic formula that had worked to great effect in the past with Wayne’s World and Austin Powers… which also quickly wore out its welcome in the respective sequels. Some have welcomed this hiatus ending with open arms, while it seems most others have the knives out and are ready to root against him. We fall somewhere inbetwixt, and despite the ad nauseous marketing campaign and eye-rolling trailers, we were willing to give Myers the benefit of the doubt, juss as long as he tried his darndest to make us laff. And try he certainly does. Yes, there are a TON of flat jokes in The Love Guru that are beyond sophomoric that they border on freshmanomoric, hispecially anytime we have to read a book title or when Myers laffs at his own jokes, BUT there are numerous ones that do indeedy-do hit the mark and, against our better judgment, made us LOL. Myers’ character Guru Pitka may not be as endearing as Wayne or Austin, and the story about helping a slumping hockey player (Weeds‘ Conrad) mend his broken heart doesn’t really have a point other than displaying how much MM hearts the Maple Leafs, and Jessica Alba doesn’t show off her ass… ets and Meagan Good doesn’t wear a Hooters outfit, yet somehow, The Love Guru is not awful, or at least not as awful as you think it would be. The same can’t be said for Zohan. So go ahead, mess with this mess instead of that one

Wonderkind: have you seen that clip of Mike Meyers’ huge face superimposed over the face of a lil kid? well turns out the kid underneath is Trevor Heins, aka the highlarious ‘Beat Kids’ reporter on Wonder Showzen

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Expired
A Match Meter Maid In Hell
Trailers & Mo

Samantha Morton is the queen of playing shy and vulnerable leading ladies (see her performance in Woody’s Sweet and Lowdown), and while Jason Patric may not be considered the king (cause he doesn’t get as much work as he should, probably cause all the jerkoff parts go to the uber-annoying Aaron Eckhart), he’s certainly royalty when it comes to playing an asshole (czech him out in Your Friends & Neighbors). The two were purrrfectly cast in just such roles in Expired, an offbeat and very heartbreakingly hilarious lil flick about tough love and a lot of expired meters. Morton’s a lonely meter maid by day, who tends to her sick mom (Teri Garr, who does double duty as Morton’s selfish aunt) at night. Patric is a traffic cop with a heart of coal and a flawsome Ditka mustache. Besides a similar occupation, the two have about as much in common as George W Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but these opposites attract, no matter how many times Patric insults her with his misguided compliments. Will they live happily ever after? Guess you’ll have to see the film to get the answer, but a better question would be, regardless if they’re together or not, are they even capable of being happy period?

Maid In The Shade: nobody dances around a pole, a parking meter one at that, better than Australia’s Surfers Paradise Meter Maids

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
A Starter Kit With Missing Pieces
Trailers & Mo

Kit Kittredge is the fourth movie based off of the Americal Girl dolls/books/super money making machine franchise that chronicles 9 year-old girls growing up during key eras of American history. The first three flicks were made for TV, and this frills and brain free depression era adventure, starring Abigail Breslin in the title role, woulda been better off had it too hit up the smaller screens instead of the big one. Although not a Disney movie, this baby surely feels like one as it’s about as complex and risque as an Air Bud flick. Not even throwing in such adults as Stanley Tucci, Wallace Shawn, Julia Ormond, Joan Cusack, Glenne Headly and Jane Krakowski can bring any sense enjoyment to this blah-ze affair. Granite, we aint no 9 year-old girl who loves scary dolls that can be found in Norman Bates’ house, so this movie wasn’t made with us in mind. For those with daughters out there, we sympathize with you cause there aint many options out there during the summer of male dominated popcorn pleasers. While Kit may not be a riveting piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, you could probably do no worse than bring your girl to this. At least Kit’s a role model and not a troll model

KITTsch: how to go about making yer own KITT car

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Guru is playing at a theater near Jews, while Expired & Kit open today in limited release

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Corey Feldman’s big screen debut, McDonalds employees rocking those sweet green unis, Mary Steenburgen in love with a time traveler that isn’t Doc Brown, the Murder She Wrote font, Exorcist IV and HG Wells hunting down his friend Jack The Ripper. What one movie could contain all of this amazingness? Time After Time. Isn’t it time you watched it?

The Onion Movie is like a poor man’s Kentucky Fried Movie, so in terms of the sketchy spoof genre, it shoulda been called Kennedy Fried Movie. There be some good bits, like the Britney Spearsishish singer and Steven Seagal as Cockpuncher, but the rest of the gags are either clever, but not funny or juss plain not funny. Yer better off watching Fox’s other never released laff riot Idiocracy instead

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Promotion
Supermarket Sweet
Trailers & Mo

Pitting Seann William Scott against John C. Reilly, as two assistant managers of a grocery store both desperately seeking a job promotion that will make them the manager of a new branch, sounds like a decent set-up for a flick where hilarity might indeed ensue. Such isn’t the case with The Promotion, screenwriter Steve Conrad(The Weather Man and The Pursuit of Happyness)’s directorial debut, where the chuckles are sparse and the tension is light, yet it still won us over with a subtle sensibility and a sirprizingly mannered performance from the guy best known for playing doofus extraordinaires, like Steven Stifler. Scott plays the straight man here, who appears to be a ‘shoo-in’ for the gig, until Reilly relocates from Canada and throws his hat into the mix. Scott steps up his game, but he really doesn’t have to as Reilly keeps shooting himself in the foot. At first he revels in Reilly’s mistakes, and then eventually begins to empathize with a man stuck in the similar situation of trying to make a better life for himself and his family (the wives are played by Jenna/Pam and Lili Taylor, who have little to do other than patting their men on the backs). Along with The Good Girl and One Hour Photo, The Promotion is a serviceable lil flick that fits in purrrfectly with the up and coming, yet non-existent, mini-genre of grocery store blues films. If you haven’t gone down those aisles yet, it may be time for you to check (them) out

Minor Leagues: The Promotion marks only the third role for bit actor Michael Kuster. Is other two roles? A Milwaukee Brewer in Mr 3000 and a Cleveland Indian in Major League

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

When Did You
Last See Your Father?
May 26th, But What Bidness Is It of Yours?
Trailers & Mo

Colin Firth’s father is on his death bed, so the lad decides to take a trip down memory lane, even if the past wasn’t exactly so memorable. Jim Boradbent plays the ailing daddy not so dearest (if he actually were his dad, he woulda been 11 when Colin was born), who definitely loved his son very much, but showed it in all the wrong ways (like embarrassing him in front a girl he’s trying to court at a summer resort, played by one of our mos flavorite cutie pie supremes, Carey Mulligan). By starting in the present and shuttling back and forth to the past, the story loses some of the sentimental steam it’s obviously trying to evoke, but it’s still far from blowing hot air. We juss think the patching up of their strained relationship woulda been more effective had the memoirs of Blake Morrison played out in chronological order. Like with The Promotion, Father is still a serviceable lil flick worth the peep… eggcept for on Father’s Day flubvs course

House Keep Her: you may recognize Elaine Cassidy, who plays the family housekeeper in Father, cause she was the mute housekeeper girl from The Others [vid]. She is a nice

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both films open today in limited release

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Teeth has one of the greatestistst premises for a horror movie: a teenage girl is exploring her sexuality, but how’s it all gonna turn out when her vagina has TEETH?!??!?!??! The trailer goes one step further by selling the idea to a T(eeth). Too bad the movie can’t fully deliver cause the script and the acting are down and up right atrocious (and so are the chomped off penis bits). Nunthelessss, it’s kinda watchable cause Jess Weixler (below) is super hotttttt and so is this dirty old man [vid], who shoulda been given a special Oscar for his slurping noises

Here we is again with another looney tunes mgcee premise: a socially refarted man starts to break out of his shell when he starts dating a sex doll he ordered online. We’re sure you’ve already heard about Lars And The Real Girl, but juss in case you hadn’t, we thought you should be aware of it cause you need to see it to believes its like Cheez-Its. Ryan Gosling plays Lars and you know he plays it well cause Gosling is mad crazy good at playing mad crazy nia peoples and he’s sporting a mustache and stuff!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…