Thighs Wide Shut

– The Son of Sam, aka David Berkowitz, has the illest psycho killer blog evs! His favorite movies include Summer of Sam, Seven, and Taxi Driver! And his favorite album of the 90’s was Ice-T’s rap metal pet project, Body Count.

– What’s the only way, former Thighs Wide Darling, Sarah Mish-smells Gellar can get any press these days? By being stalked by lesbians! And what’s the only way Lukas Haas can get any press these days? By being there while Buffy was being stalked by lesbians! Go Lukas!

– It has been a goal of mine to see all of me favorite bands live at least once in my life. I’ll cross Prince off that list in July, and I’m happy to say, Arrested Development too! The “Mr. Wendal” crew will be bringing their tunes for free to Brooklyn’s Brower Park for FREE on July 21st.

– And speaking of FREE… I aint no Metallica fan. Never have been. But I dare you to watch this trailer for a new documentary about em and NOT want to see it FOR FREE (only for you Beantowners, Chi-Townians, D-Rockers, Shangra LA-Lers, Philly Cheesesteakheads, Carmen San Diegoians & Fransicians, DC-hers, and o’ course, The City Folks)! Exit light. Enter night… OK, so I like 1 or 2 of their songs.

Why can’t baseball be more umcredible like Sumo wrastling?

– A cleaner version of Sex And The Boring is now running on TBS. Now I really don’t ever want to ever watch that crap ever. Quoth the raven, “Nevermore!”

– We all love things that loop over and over. [Link via Tim “Fudger” Altie]

– Wagamama is soon to open in the United Arab Emirates. What, no love for the Yankee dollar?

– And from LL Central, Lindsay Lohan is more of a wordsmith than William Wordsworth: “All of these like voices start saying you’ve to push the button to say what the emergency is; They probably thought that somebody was dying and like bleeding to death.” Like omg! Have anything to add LL Cool Girl? “…it’s so retarded.” Oh Lindsay, I love you for who you are and not for how much your parents beat the crap out of each other!

This is what every party in

American should look like:



[Pic via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Lindsay Lohan’s Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom? Who does this guy think he is? An ace reporter for the The Onion? Get real pal, cause the only place those thangs be starring in is my movie, Riders of Lohan. There’s this killer scene with her melons, my tongue, and a bottle of Magic Shell.

– The chick who wrote all of t.A.T.u.’s greatest “hits” just won a copyright lawsuit for back royalties. She’s looking at a 500,000 rubles payday. Think of all Russian nesting dolls a girl can buy with that kinda cheddar. And despite a fall-out with King Perv/producer/dirty-ball Ivan Shapovalov and Yulia Volkova’s bun in the oven, the duo plan to hit the studios later this summer. Pseudo-lesbianism is still better than no lesbianism tat all!

– In news that is sure to only make me and my father happy: Pee Wee’s Playhouse is coming to DVD. Finally, I can relive all my sweet sweet memories of Miss Yvonne, The King of Cartoons, Chairry, and o’ course Jambi, the Genie.

– Wanna win a date with Supergrass’ drummer? Thought you would.

– The Wu-Tang Clan are doing a bit of a make-over. The theory is that the more blonde white kids theys gots in the group, the better the sales

[Pic 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

– MTV is really scrapping the bottom of the barrel these days. Why else would they give Frankie Muniz, Lizzie Grubman, and Farnsworth Bentley their own shows? If they really wanted to be cutting edge, they should have roped in such high-class talent as Soleil Moon Frye, Fred AND Ben Savage, and Dustin Diamond and his stellar chess skills.

– Sarah’s so boring ever since she stopped drinking. And now the internet will be boring ever since she stopped blogging. Breast to you and yers Ultrahotttttttttie.

– Traveling to Seattle, Baltimore, or even Plano, Texas this summer? Then you may want to check out these following hotspots: The Hat n’ Boots Gas Station, The Cockroach Hall of Fame, and World’s Biggest Garbage Can. [Links via Flea’s ho-bag]

– And finally, only in American can a man get arrested for driving under the influence TWICE in the same day AND someone else gettin’ charged with assaulting a Taco Bell employee with a chalupa.

1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – $92.6 million (NEW) – Mos def the best third installment of any movie ever. Yes, butter than LOTR: ROTK, Return of the Jedi, Batman Forever, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, RoboCop 3, Jaws 3-D, Leprechaun 3, House Party 3, Free Willy 3: The Rescue, Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College, Air Bud: World Pup, and just a tad butter than Police Academy 3: Back in Training. Review (still) forthcommmmming…

2. Shrek 2 – $37 million ($313.6 million) – I think you have to be mildly (scuse the word) retarded to enjoy these “jokes” the animators threw in: Burger Prince, Olde Knavery, Saxon Fifth Avenue, Romeo Drive, Versarchery, Farbucks Coffee, Friar’s Fat Boy, and Tower of London Records. Remind me why I don’t want to have children again? Oh yeah, cause I’d rather blow my money and wads on whores than buy boxes of 120 Crayola Crayons. Did you know that there’s a color called “jazzberry jam”? What the fudge is that?

3. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows – $28.2 million ($128.8 million) – Al Gore isn’t always a genius. Sure he gave us the internet, but he also championed this shitpick. Note to BBF (Big Budget Fiasco) producers: less characters, more destruction. Note to self: figure out what the fudge “jazzberry jam” looks like. Me review of TDAT can be found here.

4. Raising Helen – $6.7 million ($24.2 million) – Kate Hudson, stop f-in smiling. Every movie yer in now is eggzactly the same. Try branching out for once. Or at least show us yer ba-zoombies again or else your career will be more done than GW Bush’s. Same goes to you John Corbett, cept I don’t want to see yer tits.

5. Troy $5.7 million ($119.1 million) – Did you know that Orlando Bloom’s nickname is Orli?

6. Mean Girls– $2.9 million ($78.1 million) – Lindsay Lohan, I love you so much. Maybe too much. Such and such. Anywho, my partner in rhyme, Time Were-spanko, pointed out that Gary Puckett & The Union Gap’s “Young Girl” sums up my relationship with Lohan-brau:

Young girl, get out of my mind

My love for you is way out of line

Better run, girl,

You’re much too young, girl

With all the charms of a woman

You’ve kept the secret of your youth

You led me to believe

You’re old enough

To give me Love

And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,

Beneath your perfume and make-up

You’re just a baby in disguise

And though you know

That it is wrong to be

Alone with me

That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,

So hurry home to your mama

I’m sure she wonders where you are

Get out of here

Before I have the time

To change my mind

‘Cause I’m afraid we’ll go too far, Oh,

Young girl

7. Soul Plane – $2.9 million ($11.1 million) – What the fudgesicle happened to Method Man? Everything started going sour after he unleashed the plague known as 1998’s Tical 2000: Judgement Day on the world. And if any of you dear readers TiVo his new Fox “sitcom” Method & Red, please don’t bother ever returning to this site.

8. Van Helsing – $2.3 million ($114.5 million) – Bad movie trend: titles with the word “Van” in it. First Van Wilder and now Van HellSUCKSmygrundlehair.

9. Man On Fire – $1.0 million ($75.4 million) – I’d rather watch this man man on fire, than this movie.

10. Super Size Me – $.8 million ($6.2 million) – Some dumpy chick named SoSo Whaley (insert “whale” joke here) challenged Morgan Spurlock’s McDiet and lost 10 pounds!! F-em both. Just breathe bacon and shower in mayo and u will lose weight.

– I was pulling for the heteroflexible Calgary Flames to pull off the victory last night, but in the end it was the Dave Andreychuk-led, sorry-a$$ eggscuse for a franchise, Tampa Bay Lightning who ended up drinking from Lord Stanley’s cup of bacteria. On a side note, here are some of my favorite hockey player names ever: Keith Tkachuk, Zarley Zalapski, Hakkan Loob, and Uwe Krupp.

– 8th graders say the darndest thangs. Like this one lil Nazi in Key Biscane, Florida who wrote “Death To Jews”, German-style, in his school’s yearbook. [Link via Tommy T and The Furious 6]

– Who’s the coolest Gunther since Gunther Gebel-Williams? Why Gunther Branlutte, of course! Czech out his horrible brand of music that will soon sweep our nation. And attention Lindsay Lohan fans: test your strong wrist muscles on Gunther’s Tra La La fun game. [Semi-NSFW Links via Tim “F%@ker” Altie]

– Nevada Town Enlists Dudes to Smoke Weed. Whoops, I read that headline wrong. Supposed to be: Nevada Town Enlists Goats to Eat Weeds.

– I guess the beds are still burning, cause Midnight Oil frontman, Peter Garrett, is running for spot in the Aussie government. Speaking of freaky looking bald people, me thinks that Garrett and that biker dude who crashed Wyatt and Gary’s party in Weird Science were Bitched @ Swirth aka Switched At Birth:

– Finally, to hell with LeVar Burton and his heteroflexible Reading Rainbow. If you really want to get male dudes to read books these days, you gots to offer them prizes delivered by hot bizatches.