Thighs Wide Shut

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?

Spank the good lord that July is over. Sure, it started on a high note, with Sis getting hitched with Smits in tow, but it pretty much all went to shit after that. Yeah, there was the whole job thing, and those nasty crabs I couldn’t get out of my crotch, but nothing typified the month better than last night’s Duran Duran show at the Tommy Hilfiger whored-out Jones Beach. Now don’t get me wrong, the fellaz put on one rockin arsed show last nite, as they also did this past April, but they made one huge mistake than made yer TMaster more irate than Al Iafrate: NOT PLAYING ‘HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF’!?!?!?!? WHAT THE SPORK??? That’s like the Bible not mentioning Jesus!!! I’ll stop myself there, before I become Jim Mora Jr Jr, and start to look forwards, not borewards. For August is already shaping up to be a better month. I mean, there’s NFL pre-season fooball this SATURDAY!!!

• First there was Make Poverty History, then Make Lohag History, and now, Damon A’s Make Doherty History. Where does it end? Chris Makepeace History?

• The fall in NY juss got a lil bit more fun with the announcement of the Across the Pond concert series, featuring the Pixies, Beck, Oasis, Killers, Gang Of Four, Jet, Belle & Sebastian, the New York Dolls, and many mo to come. The shows will be held simultaneously at Keyspan Park in Brooklyn and Richmond County Bank Ballpark in Staten Island, on Rocktober 1-2. [via The Shop]

• One of my 47882356y7778gb5 prayers have been answered: Wild Palms, James Belushi’s best work since Taking Care of Business (aka Filofax), to be released on DVD ROCKTOBER 4th!

• A man has been charged with the Charlotte church murder. If she’s forked the peacelled then who be the one turning down Chicago and Wonderbra?

• A 10th planet has been discovered, but will it be more popular than Pluto Nash, co-starring the Best Albino?

• Cpt Zzzzz really needs to stop hanging out with people who wear monocles

• Peep the vid to Supergrass’ new jazzle ‘St Petersburg’

• The Quarterly List of Admissible and Prohibited (Porno) Titles, prepared by Canada’s Border Services Agency

• Earth.Google.com [via The Thinker]

• Why are there so many spices in the Spice Islands?

• Free passes in various big titties cities to see The 40-Year-Old Virgin

• The Mustache Database

• Random Mario flash animationism [via Paxman]

• World’s Largest Basket

• Ackbar, you never cease to amaze me…

[via Cassons Go Rolling Along]

No doubttle that Sharalovely was gonna top Russian Forbes‘ Richiest list, but who knew that Ivan Stroganoffallovermyleg and Whobitzor Kockoff pocketed such mad rubles? Now how bout a random snapple of Miranda hOtto…

• Zzzzz is still zzzzzing Zzzz

• Probably the breastest drama Lohag will ever star in

• Watch the trailer for Leaf Phoenix’s Walk The Line

• Falkor’s sister slips nip [NSFW]

• I wonder if Eleanor lost Andy is a twisted sex bet with Alex?

• Thank heaven for the Heaven 17 reunion

• Yawning celebrities

• Life juss become a whole lot pointlesserthanzero: The Egg and Muffin toaser

• The Trainspotting tour, NSFW Kelly MacDonald horse riding not included

• Former Miss Newfoundland & Labrador Titleholders Sherylynn Butt

• And are the bootleg Engrish Revenge of the Sith subtitles the new bootleg Engrish Two Towers subtitles? [via Dr Falada]

I don’t care what you all ocean spray cause Charly Church is the bees cheese in the Florida Keys!! These GQ snapples should help to convincevaughn you vincevaughnconartists. I’m so all up in her like me eating a turkey dinner that I should dump HRT the III and send her on the Trans-Siberian RR back at Leningradulations. Buttles how can I do that to her when she au jus tied Lohag the Wurstest the I’s record as the mos interweb sleuthedages for a 5th straight week!! Plus we still have to deal wit Cpt Church’s reforkulous Scientology statements. I got two idears that could easily turn my frown upside down in her crotchenstienville. One is by always doing this NSFWness by the beach (mayor) DAILY, and two, by signing a big money deal to be the face AND body of La Senza lingerie. Please make it so lord cause my mos beatoffable catalog that contains the Vibro-Jelly Vagina & PassionSkin Cock Stroker [both NSFW] has gone from a solid to a liquid to a air.

• Agassi ditches the swoosh for the three stripes. No word on how this will affect the value of the Nike Air Tech Challenge II lava color tennis shoes.

• Forbes, the #1 source of Blogging according to knowone, picks their picks in the best in Blogs. Love for the suspect usuals, but no real sirprizes. I mean, where’s the love for Bandwagon Boy? Anyone who’s knowone who’s banging someone’s sister knows that he’s tops in the Sports genre. The dude DID PRE-dick-t that ‘the Great Lants Armstrong‘ would win the ‘big Torda bike race‘. [via Vegan, who should have been tops in Music]

• Movie Annie, aka Aileen Quinn, sure grews up a whole lot hottier than stage Annie, played by poo-poo nasty head Nose McGee [via Chip of the Ole Block o Cheez]

• Related by name only: Annie’s “Me Plus One” is the free thIghPod tune of the week

• The Dumbest Rules In Sports

• 40-Year-Old Virgin, juss as I thought

• The Adobe offices be mad cooler than yours. At this point, I’d settle for a cardboard box office. [via Datadazzler]

• The Jerk (26th Anniversary Edition) DVD

• Clinton Offered 40 Goats For Chelsea [via 40 Akers]

• Bid on the Bruce Jenner Decathlon Game

• Stop Emo Haircuts! [beware of sound]

• Saw Last Days the last day before today. I’ll abstain from commentary for now, but if yer watching a 97 minute movie and it feels like a 97zillionbillion minute movie you know yer in Gus van Sant’s hands/Turkish prison. Howeva, the dude has a well trained eye for talent and tats (and unfortch pointless man sex). Props for employing the seldom used but Thighmaster approved Haasmiester, and alsofor (the new Okafor) introducing me to the fruitylicious Nicole ‘Sid’ Vicius (although the snap below reveals her odd todd nose, which is a secret Thigh Master turn on, it does not fully demonstrate the power of her Death Star o Hotness).

Christo is not done wrapping. Along with his ho and DJ, Jeanne-Claude, they’ve jumped back into the studio to work on their follow-up to their hit release The Gates (and the remix they did with Hooters). Possible guest stars on this next joint may include DeVoe, Snow (not pictured), and Ill Mitch. Hey, it makes about as much sense as the director of In The Name of the Father teaming up with 50 Cent.

• Eddie Bunker peaced the fork out last week and no one paid attention, yet Michigan J. Frog’s firing gets all sorts of press. Wait, who’s Ed Bunk? [via The Poonmaster]

• Promise me that before you see Senor Spielbergo’s newly titled Munich this winter you will Netflix the doc One Day In September.

• The Fiery Furnaces will release the first of two new CDs this fall called Rehearsing My Choir. They also will be announcing a US tour during September and October.

• First look at Spacey as Luthor, or is it Daddy Warbucks?

• Pacers say yes and mad cabbages to Jasikevicius. But who will x-ray the hip of Exree Hipp?

• Crackhead apologizes for grabbing Peaches’ can

• Now that I gots plenty of free time I may juss take up the Redskins on their free invite to training camp.

• Lohan was on hand to give Lance a hand… job

• Wurstest blog related artwork of all-thymes

• Charlotte Church of Scientology?

• A chat with Bananarama

• I’m no Family Guy guy, but their lil a-ha video raping was kinda sorta amusing [via All Hail Christ…E]

• Google finds the lord

• The (brief) History of SNL’s Black Dudes

• Somehow they uglified Monica Bleucheese

• Top 10 Apollo Hoax Theories [via MOH]

• Saturn’s radio emissions are a complete Pink Floyd ripoff

• Did General Motors destroy the LA mass transit system?

• The Shitty Tipper Database! [via Meta]

• World’s oldest dildo found in cave! [via Monkey M]

• Tamponhenge [via YCMIU]

• Sharapovinski hasn’t left me alone for one second since I dropped infos about t.A.T.u. album numero 2. I think she’s juss a wee bit jealous that I find other Russians so crazy/sexy/cool, including, but not limited to Yakov Smirnoff. She was so bolsheviked that she kept pelting me with piping hot chicken Kievs (or as we called them in college, ‘abortion chickens’). But my dearest czarina has nothing to worry about, and I prove it to her every night by banging her square until it’s red. And how could I ever step out on a HRT the III when she does such adorable things during her matches like lift up her skirt to expose her thigh. If you didn’t know that’s her lil secret way of saying hello to yers drooly, like Carol Burnett does when she tugs her ear.