X-Men: Apocalypse
Sophie Page Turner
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

Oh, hey – another superhero movie!  But ya know what?  I’ve come to the realization that out of ALL the superhero franchises in existence – I like the X-Men ones the most, and I’m not even really an X-Men kinda guy (my peeps are The New Teen Titans of the late 80s, early 90s).  I think I’ve liked or super-liked every single one of the X-Men movies, even the Brett Ratner one (but not really the solo Wolverine ones, which doesn’t make much sense as to why they aren’t so great, cause Hugh as Wolvie is SO great)

Well, this X-Men movie may not be perfect (Oscar Isaac‘s mummy resurrected bad guy was kinda cool, but the final battle vs him wasn’t so much), but I am on board with whatever this movie is.  Mainly cause…

they don’t let Olivia Munn talk! (she’s in an insult to actors everywhere who cannot get employed, while she is)

and Evan Peters as the super fast dude is STILL the fcuking BBBBBBBBBBBBBEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but more importantester than ANYTHING… 

Sophie Turner is sooooooo SUPER fine, in leather, and not in leather

(I’m a sucker for redheads, in leather, and not in leather)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men is about to X-it theaters soon!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Love & Friendship
Whit Smart
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 94 min

Wait, there’s a Jane Austen novel that HASN’T been turned into a movie????  Wait, Whit Stillman has only directed 5 movies???  Wait, Whit Stillman’s fifth movie is a Jane Austen movie that reunites his luscious lively lady leads – Kate Beckinsale & Chloë Sevigny – from Last Days of Disco????  COUNT US WAY IN!!!

And guess what – Whit’s wondrous wit and witdom works wery well in English Georgian society pomp and circumstance AND circumstance and pomp!  YAY!!!!  

Did we mention this movie was PG – so you and everyone you know can see AND enjoy this?  

Did we mention that this guy - Tom Bennett – is a dapper dandy dunce that deeply delights???  

Did we mention that we loved Loved LOVED how all the characters were introduced onscreen with title identifiers??  WISH MORE MOVIES DID THIS!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Love needs your Freindship, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Me Before You
Confined & So Fine
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 110 min

There once was this super-rich British guy named Will (Sam Claflin), who had everything – a hot girlfriend, a great job, and a thrill-seeking lifestyle.  Then BOOOM – one day he instantly became a quadriplegic and hated his new life cause it was not his old one  

No one could make this guy happy or juss try to get him to live to live – not his parents (fancy dancey pants-ters Janet McTeer and Charles Dance), their money (THEY OWN THE TOWN’S CASTLE!), his physical therapist (Steve Peacocke), or his last 6 caregivers  

So, guess what happens when cheery cheery goody goody gumdrops caretaker #7 – Louisa ‘Lou’ (Emilia Clarke, and her caterpillar eyebrows) enters the picture?  Well, after much guff and puff, she works her Mary Poppins magic on him and BOOM – he can’t imagine HIM before HER – and she can’t imagine HER before HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

But will it be enuff for him to want to live the life he permanently has??????????????????

Yes, there’s a lot of predictability going on here, in the movie based off of the book by Jojo Moyes (who also wrote the screenplay), and yes, the screen is practically tearjerking you off endlessly (and yes, I fell for it and cried), and yes, everything is kinda ridiculous (I can’t imagine the movie being as engaging if the guy didn’t have all the money in the world), BUT I don’t give a flying fcuk – cause this weepie is the kinda movie I expected and got – fears for tears – LET IT FLOW!!!!!!!  It’s like the opposite of 50 Shades of Gray – it’s like 50 Shades of Rainbows!!  Who wants to be tortured by a love story, when you can be hugged by one????

Oh, and the guy who played Neville Longbottom is in it, and he’s great!

Oh, and Jenna Coleman is in it too, and she’s literally the cutest flipping thing ever!!!  LOOK AT HER CUTE LIL NOSE!!!!  I CAN’T IMAGINE MY LIFE BEFORE HER!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Me can be seen by You at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Lobster
Super Hurry Animals
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

In a sorta near future, if you aren’t paired up with a significant other, you will be turned into an animal – of your choice, naturally.  Mustached Colin Farrell was recently dumped by his wife and so he needs to partner up, or animal on out for the rest of his life.  He goes to this seaside hotel run by Olivia Colman (still one of the best actresses no one knows), which helps to pair off people, or turn them into animals.  But the time to do so is limited.  If Colin doesn’t find a mate in 45 days or less, he will became a lobster (hence the film’s title).  His brother is already a dog (ever wonder why there are so many dogs??), and he brings him along on this last ditch human effort.  Others have to go thru the same drill, including some really dour and desperate souls like Ashley Jensen, Ben Whishaw, John C Reilly, and the adorable Jessica Barden

The hotel is an oddball pacifying paradise – like The Village from The Prisoner, with forever overcast skies.  Within its doors, they stage awkward dances and even more awkward demonstrations, trying to get these folks to couple up – and offer plenty of outdoor activities too, including hunting those who have failed and escaped the grounds.  If you hunt and kill one of these escapee loners, you get bonus days to stick around.  If you don’t, the clock continues to tick, and pretty soon your days as a Homo sapien are numbered

And so after awhile, after Colin has tried and tried and tried, and failed (the heartless Angeliki Papoulia provided no help), he decides he doesn’t want to be a lobster, and he flees for the woods, and taken in by loners Léa Seydoux and Rachel Weisz.  But a (un)funny thing happens on the way to being lonely – he falls for Weisz, and she for him, and that’s not suppose to happen, and even more things happen from there, and there you go

For the first 30 or so minutes of Yorgos Lanthimos first English language feature, when we’re in that wonderous hotel, I thought The Lobster was itching its way to being the kinda movie I endless love and never shut up about.  It had happened once before with Lanthimos’ Dogtooth, which is one of the mos fcuked up flicks I’ve seen this century, but as The Lobster claws its way outside of that hotel, something got a little lost in translation, and became a little long in the tooth, but I’ll excuse it, cause The Lobster is unique and imaginative, and often fun, and always keeps you on your toes, and that can’t be said of a lot of movies that come out today.  I give it bonus points for being different, and it doesn’t even really have to try – it juss is different

These lonely love seekers aint no superheroes – they’re super-zeroes, and I’d rather count on them and their sad weirdness, than the good guys saving the cinematic day.  MARVEL OVER THAT, YO!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lobster shacks it up currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Captain America: Civil War
Marvel-ous
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 147 min

OMG, these guys…

and these guys…

are all on the same team – but because Captain America has a hard-on for Sebastian Stan, there gonna be a war son, CIVIL style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

This is what Avengers 2: Age of Voltron should have been!!!  Sorta kinda whatever!!!

Actually, this sequel (which is miles above #1) is basically Avengers 3, but works so much better cause there’s less clutter, and less dumb Thor and bulky Hulk.  Those two dudes caused way too much destruction.  HULK SMASH!! The less destruction the better!! Like slash the Hulk smash!

And this one has Daniel Brühl, and in case you didn’t know - Brühl rühlzzzz!!!!!!  But he’s not a superhero or a superhero villain, but he is a bad guy, but he kinda has a reason to break bad – like our superheroes do in this movie.  Man, so much noir going on here.  Who’s bad?  Who’s good?????  No black and white – juss lots o’gray – 100 SHADES OF IT!!!

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT – the movie is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too long.  Like 9 hours too long.  I enjoyed it all, but man, it’s a haul, a long one – like a long haul!!!! (I ran out to pee 2 times – but that’s cause I drank like a gallon o’soda – and all I missed was the superheroes talking about stuff)

Also, Jeremy Renner‘s Hawkeye is beyond lame.  Cut him and his character out of this Marvel universe

And I don’t care how cool he is, but Paul Bettany‘s Vision creeps me out too much and made me wish I didn’t have vision in my eyes

but it’s OK cause we get to see Ant Man become Gi-Ant Man, and there’s a new Spidey – who’s a no name actor – and actually looks like a teenager – which already seems more right than Tobey or Andrew Garfield minushimself could ever muster as Peter Parkz!!!

But the real bestestest thing???  There are three black dudes in the movie, and they blow away the white dudes and dudettes outta the water.  I’d rather see a movie with juss Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Falcon (Anthony Mackie), and my new mos favorite superhero ever – Blank Panther (the treasure that is Chadwick Boseman) – kicking major a$$ AND gla$$!!!!!!!!!  They should take Hawkeye out back and beat the lame fcuk outta him!!!

Heck, there needs to be a movie (superhero or not) with Boseman, Mackie, Cheadle, Denzel, Will Smith, Michael B Jordan, and Billy Dee Williams called Smooth Operators – where they’re a gang of telephone operators who are SMOOTH AS FCUK!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers (if it was somehow shorter, it woulda been BREAST IN SHOW)

Captain soldiers on at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…