Thighs Wide Shut

• Apparently the Gorillaz are completely wussing out on a real tour and have decided to go ahead with a virtual one instead. The jaunt, deemed The Demon Detour, will hit 39 U.S. radio stations. The NY ‘date’ is June 14 on K-Rock. This is so fargin lame that I bet George Lucas had a hand in it. No word if Jar Jar Stinks will be opening…

• The Fiddler was on to something last week when he was thighspotting Jack White’s obsession with a red-headed girl in a bunch of their vids. Wellie wellie well, it turns out he not only beats off to them, but marries em too. Please welcome the new pasty Mrs Jack White the II: Karen Elson!! We can finally put to bed all those rumors about him marrying a carrot crotch.

• Sadly, we bid a mejor peachbasket the fork to the dude who looked like our Jewish grandfathers playing b-ball, George Mikan. In your honor, here’s a pic of the 2nd greatest sorta-George named NBAer, Gheorghe Muresan, and no, not this Gheorghe Muresan!

This was not the first time I met a fictional band. That honor was reserved for Spinal Tap, when their DVD was released. Although it was a pleasure to met David St. Hubbins and the gang, I think this session with the Josie & The Pussycats of the 00s was a bit more memorable para mi… probably cause I’d jump Damon Albarn’s bones in a heartbeat, hispecially if Jude & Diego were not available. Anywhozki, along with image maker Jamie Hewlett and soundscaper Dangermouse, the threesome fielded a bunch o’ awful questions from the audience. The only decent info I gathered was that a tour was in the werks, but doesn’t sound like anything comin anythyme soon. Also, there will be another remix type project, ala Laika Come Home, and as previously reported, an afro-beat dealio with Damon and Dangermouse. No word if Penfold is involved or not.

While Damon went out of his way to add two Xs (which = two Pat O’Brien HOT kisses) when givin me his John Hancock, he was a wee bit distracted when we took this picture cause someone told him how yumcredible the ‘United States of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ webthingiemajingie was [speakers ON for dat 1]. I blame you Trent Lottz. I also blame you for making me buy this pink polo.

• The baby geniuses over at KiddieRecords dug up some rare ole Disney MP3 hotness, but now has left yer humble mumbler crazy hungerin and hankerin and huntinin for the original soundtrack to his mos flavorite double Oscar Nominated Disney gem of thighsthymme starring Donald Duck AND Carmen Miranda’s sister: The Three Caballeros. If you’ve never seen this loco enchilda fiesta of a toon, you flavioiously didn’t have a childhood and I pity and shit on you. It’s like the OG Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where toons & G-rated poon [NSFW] go hand in hand! So can ANYONE help me find this lost on a digital world soundtrack? This mission is even more importante (that’s Spanish for ‘important’) than my jihad crusade on ending Vince Vaughn’s career (although he really needs no help from me… being probably the most unfunny actor that everyone deems funny). If you find it, I may buy you a hamburger. And if yer a vegetarian, I’ll take you out and force you to eat bacon. In the greenwich meantime, for a lil taste of what I’m stalkin’ about, download Bing Crosby doing ‘Baia’ & ‘You Belong To My Heart’, which both appeared in the film, juss not his versions. [MPtres via LP2CD]

• And look what Disney’s doing these days: Instead of coming up with stellar 2-D toons, they’re busy digitally reducing Lohag’s ex-gynnormous bazoongies from Herbie so not to make lil kids horny. I juss read this in the NYDN, but apparently this is old news. ADDDED: Defamer’s got visual evidence?

• Speaking of melons-collie, will Kylie Minogue’s ill boobies double-handedly reform the forking STONE ROSES?!??@#?@! If that happened, some might say, that sister is the messiah!!

• Leno on the stand is purty much like Leno on his show: no laughing matter.

• MC5 to Kick Out The Jams (motherfuddgers) from start to finnish @ NorthSix

• Clive Owen: ““I’ve always wanted to be James Bond. I’ll pour it all out right now! Why won’t they offer it to me?“

• The first sign of the Apocalypse? Or is it the second?

• NFL bids the ‘horse-collar’ tackle a-doo-doo. Is the camel clutch next?

• Gawd how I love the White Stripes, their new vid, and Meg White… even if she is a robot. [via link via ONTD]

• The Raven goes Rambo. Sounds like the biggest mistake since Dr Seuss went the Great White Way!

• Bad prequel news: Texas Fisher Price My First Chainsaw Massacre

• Good prequel news (for once): No Go on Crouching Cub, Hidden Valley Ranch

• Cathedral to Star in Da Vinci Code Film. Is that Charlotte Church’s less attractive cousin?

• Yeah Beck, the qwiker you can make Midnite Vultures II, the butter!

• Sharapova survives round 1, but loses in the pics dept. Sorry Engle, whomever you is, I guess we’ll have to wait a few more matches before the hot spandex wedgie photos arrive.

• Kasabian to write Engerland’s World Cup Anthem?

• Ringo wants to save his birthplace AND come easy @ Irving Platz June 19th.

• What do Phil Spector, Bob Geldof, the REAL Anakin Skywalker, Melting Nazis, and Lindsay Lohag all have in common? I dunno, but they creep the living FORK outta me!

• Ken Jennings: The Board Game, The Book, and The Game Show Host. Somebody break Sirhan Sirhan outta jail cause this is all gettin a bet outta lohand. Btw, I sure hope his a$$ gets beat by Brad Rutter tonight in the final game of Jeopardy’s Tourney of Champs!

• There’s nothing Grimm about Bellucci

• Want real Britney news, you know where to go. Want stoopid Britney stuff, then click here.

• Kournikova eats a popsicle. Want Moooore?

• Hey, is anyone seeing Gang of 14 tonight at the 9:30 Club?

• Educated consumers click here for 10% off.

• Normally I shun all things cartoony (sides Gorillaz videos and pre-1985 Disney stizz), but in this case, I’ll make an eggggggggsception. [Parker Sister]

• Just what my dad wants, a Skins’ jersey that sez ‘Name’ on it!! Then he’d be 1/2 as cool as his son who has ‘Your Name’ on his.

• Bid on Amy Sedaris’ John Hancocked Bust!

• The definitive Dark Side Over The Rainbow

• Billy Murray geht wieder mal unter die Geister!

• Pakula, this one’s for you: Thundercats Outtakes! [via the Gold DiSpencer]

• Cybernetic Parrot Sausage AND Origami w/Hot Dogs? [via Nipsy Newbsy]

• If you click on only one thing today, make it How To Dance Like A White Guy [via 1,2,3, Look @ Richie Lee]

• And while some people have gone the way of Skeletor, others juss keep getting better by the day. Cuthsplurt, how could I ever dispose you as Queen of Thighland? I’ll never say ‘never ever’, cause I never ever would have guessed that Keds could give me a Boner Stabone. Anywayz…

[via the always mammoth, UMC]
Added Bonus: the trailer to Guy Ritchie’s Revolver!

• So what is Jack Bauer to do NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, NOOOOOOOOOW that he is a man without a bourne identity, a man without a country, and a man who will probably never ever eat Chinese food again. Tom Wellington, Me, & Mies van der Rohe all think there is only one logical next step: call up Stephen J. Cannell and start up a new A-Team!! Can’t u juss see Jack assuming the role of ‘Hannibal’, Behrooz Araz as ‘BA’, Jude Law as ‘Faceman’, Jack Black as ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock, and Jack’s daughter Kim (you know, ELISHA CUTHBEST) as ‘Triple A’ Amy Amanda Allen, who will only last one season, just like the original character did. Somehow they’d also have to work in Chloe, who returned to her people down in Fraggle Rock, Edgar, who semi-retired to challenge the skills of Takeru Kobayashi, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida, who works for the National Institute of Whispering, and President Palmer, who’s gotz his good hands tied up with Allstate.

• Related #1: But is dearest Her Royal Thighness the II better suited for the mystery female role in MI3?

• Related #2: A-Team Drinking Game

• Trump University. Too bad there aint no courses on ‘Dealing With Bad Hair’, ‘How To Have Beautiful Children Like Me When You Look Like… Me’, and ‘TV & VCR Repair’.

• Me loves it when a star denies a report and then a Brit paper/site reports that as a ‘slam’. Latest: Mischa & Brandon’s splitsville report AND Lohan & her weight.

• Senate centrists agree, Monica Bellucci has some killer knockers [all 3 NSFW]! “Oh…. thank you, Doctor.“

• Madness to strap on their baggy trousers in their house, make a new album, and yes, finally visit our shore sometime in the fall. Or so B-Board claims.

• J-Fo working 9 to 5 again? Seems Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin are game, but how come no word from The Dabney?

• Somethings are breast left alone, as the crap that they is.

• Wouldn’t want to be at the Knowles’ this T-giving.

• Please be true to your words and leave. Please take those comments back and yer cloths off!

• Charlie’s Dingbats

• Peace the FORK out to the importance of (used to) being Ernest T. Bass AND to a man who was soo grrrrrrrrrrrrrreeaat!

• A bunch o’ Star Werz crap: Two more doses of Fark Photoshop genius (hispecially these: 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), one set from Worth1000 (HOT), Allah Ackbar, Darth Vader, jerk-ass, and now thief, StoreWars, The Last Supper, B-Wagon Boy reviews Star Wars 6 The Attack of the Sixth, and at least ONE good thing came out of all this: more of our dearest Natalie [via DataW?/EgoMyTastics/JJ/Other Crap]

• No Batdance 2005

• Benicio Del HERO

• Am I a B-List Blogerrebrityiggizillzedydo cause these guys are the #1 Google result for ‘thighs’?

• Juss to be clear, Regynyouth is not Regnyouth

• I heart anything written on Skeet On Mischa

• Albert Hammond, Jr, dropped as a baby

• Tell Uncle Rico that the dream is dead

• While the search continues for the real Cliff Engle, here’s the story behind the Cliff behind the Notes.

• And so castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventually.

• Anyone want some pizza with yer Posh Spice pepperoni? [NSFW]

• Ball Boys, Fat Boys, & Frat Boys [last NSFW]

• Man Leaps From Car to Retrieve Cigarette. Maybe Rooney WAS on to something… or at least he’s on the path to immortality.

• Kiddie Records Weekly

• RentMyDaughter AND RentMySon dot coms? We’ve come a long way since My Buddy & Kid Sister. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• MK, PHONE HOME!!

• Spinning gold teeth to impress all your friends! [via CEF]

• Demon Days drops today, SON! You must buy it NOWWWW or Jack Bauer will be forced to eat Sesame Chicken in a Chinese jail. I mean, when a band has to choose between Dennis Hopper and J.R. Ewing to guest star on their album, you know that shiz is gonna be off the coat rack AND redonkeylous! And tit tis! NO DOUBT!!!

BONUS OMGawdness!!: THREE OF THE MOS UMCREDIBLE TOM CRUSIE ON OPRAH ANIMATED GIFS MT EVEREST!!!! [via the ALWAYS yumcredible Trent Lotz O Lynx]

• What a week it has been FOX’s pin-up toy Logan Marshall Green! First Jack Bauer ALMOST chopped off his legs and threw him into a lava pit when he tried to choke Padame, but he saved himself when he admitted how much he loved cock and how he thinks his TV dad looks like a Kennedy family reject. Then just last night, he was taking it easy with Orange County’s most easiest when all hell broke loose again. Almost as loose as said girl. Seems his brother Rygar wasn’t too fond of his fondling of the hottiest woman in the world named Mischa. Well, lettuce juss say he gots what he deserved as the OCk ended with a BANG! And with 24 peacing its fork out this Monday, I guess its time to bid adieu to the man we call Logan Marshall Trey Richard Heller Green Atwood. You will be missed. And by missed, I mean I’d shit on your house, at the first very first chance I get, like Ronald Miller did to earn respeck on his best friend Kenneth‘s house in Can’t Buy Me Love. If Brian Austin Green couldn’t buddy hacket, how can you?

• Why is women be so darn beautifulski and men are so (Michael) Gross?

• Lohag, still nasty

• Lohag Felicity in MI3?

• Depp to go gonzo again. Last time around was genius… too bad the movie wasn’t.

• Aye ca-WHAT-a, Bart is a mayor?

• Woah, the OG Lebowski Fest mcnabbed They Might Be Giants this year!

• BV skims thru the semi-hard to navigate NYC’s River2River Summer Fest site to give you the best of the best breast of the breast! No confirm on the Fiery Furnabest show… yet.

• Guns ‘NÂ’ Roses Album Update #1,367, and no I didn’t make up that headline!

• The Stripes are in such a hurry this summer. I guess you could call them RUSSIANS! Speaking of my ancestors, why not download Roxette’s greatest hits from one of their fine internets portals!

• Beck loves Cali

• Boring just got bigger!

• Gorillaz brainchildren, Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn, will be making the following in-store appearances next week:

May 24 – Newbury Comics, Boston, 7pm
May 25 – Criminal Records, Atlanta, 6pm
May 26 – Virgin Megastore, Union Square NYC, 12-2pm

• Cherish these Steve Hartman reports now, before you see him on the streets pissing on himself and talking to mail boxes.

• Geri ‘Ginger Snatch Spice’ Halliwell’s gig of a lifetime: Blur in the ’95? I knew she was deliscumptious, but I didn’t realize she had good taste too!

• Fooled by Justin/Fubar 2.0/Don’t Link This‘ disappearing act? I was never worried for a second, but me likes the new look, hispecially seein’ Thighs occupy the top link slot. Dare I say, thanks a slot?

• Chewie may pick up his chicks at Cons, but Darth makes his living off em!

• Damn, I was really hoping to sue my 1st grade baseball coach for patting me on the ass as I rounded first base.

• Silent Flute dug up some hot snaps from the 24 season finale. Peeep em here, here, here, and here!

• Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes

• And now for the other OC, the REAL OC: Ocean City, Merryland, where me and the fellers, who attended the 11th best high school in AMORICA (!), will be celebrating the waning freedom days of one Davi Phil El Hofbergo… who oddly enough reminds me of a kindler, gayer (only cause he’s too good in the kitchen), Ryan Atwood. Anywho, did you know that there’s a growing rivalry between the two OCs that no one even knows about??? Either spray, I’m thinking that Misch’s and mine’s love will erase the rift that seperates our two great OCs. I guess we’ll juss have to wait and O’sea.

pink stencil font 4eva!!

Pee es – as you probably gathered, dearest Pammy Pam was not able to come back and beat Mr Mustachio. A sad day indeed. And although she did not win the big monies I still would heavily consider letting her have the honor of taking my super sperm and turning it into super sexy smart and smart-arsed children.