Thighs Wide Shut

• Boy how Glass Joe. Tis ending of an era is mos sadder than the ending of Rain Man…

• Or is it more sadderer then the fact that the great Pizza Pasta got left behind when the game made the leap from the arcade to the 8-bit Nintendo.

• Damon Albest takes a piss on Live 8 for not being black enuff, while Pink Floyd reunites for the guy who played Pink Floyd and his thing.

• It was destiny that brought them together, but it was… WHO CARES?!?!?

• Peace the fork out MacGyver boss man!

• Christina Aguilera’s music was used to keep Guantanamo Bay prisoners awake. But if they really wanted to torture people, they should juss play the crap on disc that is LCD Soundsystem. AWFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

• Amy Sedaris interviews Sam Rockwell. If they ever had children together, it would be the hottiest funny thing ever created since Drexel’s Class.

• Owen Wilson never read the script to Anaconda before arriving on set.

• 60 Mins was a repeat last nite, but that doesn’t mean that Rooney’s take on US coins doesn’t deserve a 2nd look. I would have paid $2 zillion dollars to be there when he was using the Penny Arcade @ Commerce Bank.

• For the last time, Mike D is NOT related to Screech or Neil Diamond

• Quit MESSING with her boobs

• You’re Anus

• The Picture of EVERYTHING

• Hulk Hogan, the animated gif of the gawds [via My Man Marvkus]

• Dead url I’m so spankful for being resurrected: HeatsOfMeat.com

• How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria’s Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop [via Itzaaa Richie]

• Think Tom Cruise, Senor Speilbergo, and the special effects are the reasons to go see War of the Worlds? Yer more dead wrong then when Neville Chamberlain tried that appeasement crap on a watermelon-crazed maniac. Sure, I heart Miranda HOTTO & Tim Robbins berry mucho much, but this invasion flick should be renamed The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE. Why? Cause she’s 5623655900233 times better an actor than Scientologist Jones could ever be, and she’s only 2 1/2 years old!! Give her 10 years and she’ll have more Oscars than Meyer. + she’s the cutest thing I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. And before you think dirtywise you sick FORKS, I wouldn’t let her sleep in my bed or serve her Jesus Juice (which may or may not explain her shirt below), but I’d love to go and play on the playground with her or eat 6 zillion ice cream sangwhiches with her while watching every single Neverending Story on DVD, even the one with Jack Black. She just plain rules the schools and the shuls. And since I think so THIGHLY of her, I’ve decided to adopt her. I give to you, Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. Just promise to never grow old, up, and awkward like Haley Joel Omeletteeee.

[via DF.org]

Yep folkies, ONE WHOLE STINKIN YEAR down the drain and what to show for it? I’m still broke, still not in command of the English language, and I’ve been livin more like Howard Hughes than Howard Hessman. And by that I mean I’m not the head of the class, or have class at all for that splatter, but more like staying indoors a lot, peeing in jars, repeating nonsense to myself, and praying that Leo DiCapitated won’t play me in my life story. I could go on and on, but maybe I’ll save that chit chatter for our Bronze/Pottery Anniversary (that’s 8th for those not in the know). Anywhozits, I combed and afro-piced my way thru the archives of this past year, and although there are a lotta dead links and missing images, I still found plenty o’ junk to keep you infotained for days. And away we blow…

Thighs Wide Herstory
• Monday, March 8th – The day when our long journey began with a single step. That first step/posting was only two sentences long, didn’t even include a link, and sadly was about a movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a retarded guy who’s purty darn retarted. I would go on to post 11 MORE ITEMS in that first day!! The second posting actually did contain a link and that dubious honor belongs to an article about ex-Redskins/crackhead Dexter Manley being released early from prison. YOU GO DEX!!! Even the name ‘Lohan’ made first rearing of it’s ugly head on that day when I took a look at that week’s Box Office Bidneszz.

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Animated Gifs of the Gawds• Hitler & his beloved watermelon • The Clapper • Kid + Cat • Woman + Treadmill • That Sweaty Sax Player From The Lost Boys • Rumsfeld & Pickle dance • Two cartoons dance • Random stuff • Seizure Salad • Morrissey • Borat, Abe & Breakdancin fools • Arn & Hammer • Fidel, Trashlee, and a dancin chick • Disney + Jizz = Jizzney • Tiffany Amber Yummyyams • Dog food and evil Bert • Man dance + Man tweak his own nipples • Yuck in a cup • Not mine, but Artestastic! • Crazy Asian and dumb White guy • It’s not moving, your eyes are playing tricks on u • Zissou • HHH • Why you no call me? • Fiery Fun-aces! • Hasselcrotch • Oh snap! • Lohan spits • I really hate Duke • Napoleon Dynamite • Behrooz • David Brent dances • Bauer need it…

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

My Muses
That Keep Me A-Mused
• The Witness/Lukas Haas

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Better Than Atari’s LynxFile Under…

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

Top Tenners
But We Go To Heleven

1) The Sea Inside
2) Hotel Rwanda
3) Million $$$ Baby
4) Closer
5) The Woodsman
6) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
7) Vera Drake
8) Napoleon Dynamite
9) Dig!
10) The Incredibles
11) Mayor of Sunsetstrip

Honorable Mentions: Harry Pots 3, Spidey 2, Ray, Kinsey, Mean Girls, Finding Neverland, Collateral, Valentin

1st Annual Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

A Very Long Engagement &
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou

How Is It Possible
That They Were Entertaining?

The Terminal & I, Robot

The Julia Roberts
Please Stop Acting Award

Reese Witherspoon &
Vince Vaughn

Best Tween Movie Not Starring
Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff

none

Biggest Tainting/Dicktease
On The Kingdom of Thighland

The Girl Next Door

Bestestist Dakota Fanning Movie

Man On Fire

Bestestist Movie Featuring
Dakota Fanning’s Lil Sis Elle

The Door In The Floor

The Samuel L Jackson Award
For Most Overused Actor (tie)

Don Cheadle & Jude Law,
with 6 movies each

Narliest Soundtrack

The Duke Blue Devils Most Overhyped
Wine Drinking Movie Award

Sideways

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious/Wurstest Movie
Co-Starring Method Man
of the Year Award

Garden Stale

Most Overlooked Movies of 2004 That Were
In Theaters 8 Seconds Longer Than 8 Seconds

We Don’t Live Here Anymore
Dig!
Code 46

The Emma Watson Future-Hotness Award

Emily Browning

Best Movies I Netlixed

Zardoz
Ali G Indahouse
THX 1138
Star 80
Harold and Maude
In This World &
Day for Night

Sweetest Napoleon Dynamite Line

‘How much you wanna make
a bet I can throw a football
over them mountains?‘
– Uncle Rico

M Night Shamalamadingdong’s
BratWurstest Twist of The Year

conning $114,195,633 out
of the American public

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture
of the Year (tie)

Beyond The Sea/Watchable
Van Helsucks
The Stepford Wives &
HellBoo

Movies To Look For in 2005

I, Gyromite
Super-Giraffe: The Movie
4 Fast, 4 Furious
Sky Captain vs The Day After Tomorrow
The Life Auto With Joe Isuzu
Nailing The Girl Next Door In The Floor

Check out what we thought of stuff in 2003 & 2002, pre TWS.org stizz.

House of Flying Daggers
or it’s original name House of Flying Dizzles
View Trailer

I never saw that Jet Li movie Hero, but I bet if you cut off pieces from that and poured it into a bowl already filled with minced Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger, you’d get something that resembles House of Flying Daggers… or perhaps House of Crouching Heroes and Flying Tigers… which could actually pass for a new attraction on Ringling Bros’ circus. Anywayzits, that’s sorta how I felt watching the Haus of Dazzling Daggers & Practical Jokes. Mos def a gorgeous film to watch, with a franztastic name, but haven’t I seen all this people flying from trees junk before? And is there some sorta shortage of Chinese actressesess under the age of 30 or does Zhang Ziyi juss get every role of hot Chinese chick that is mad hot AND can fly AND handle a sword? Wait, what the gordie le forge am I talkin’ bout? I’d pay to see any movie where Zhang Ziyi is either a) holding long shafts, b) refusing to smile, c) wearing men’s clothing, d) dick teasing all of the male characters, e) dick teasing all of the male (and lesbian) audience by only showing us her bare back, or f) starring in the movie. Ya see, Zhang Ziyi is not only one of the world’s finestestest NonUsHotties, but she’s worth the price of admission to any flick she’s in. If they ever decide to put her umcredible body on display at The Met (I guess as part of some ‘Asian Hotties’ eggzibit), my suggested donation would be ten zillion trillion dollars. And if some sushi place hired her body out and put sushi all over that there fine body, I’d build a second penis and use them both as chopsticks to take some tuna rolls… off of her tuna. She has not only stolen my money, but my heart as well. She juss may end up being the first non-white Royal Thighness. Watch yer back Cuthblurt!! Or learn how to handle a sword and fly from trees and tease men with yer back!!

Recommended for those who like: the Wright Brothers, Vermont foliage, and flying dizzles.

Unsatisfied with this? Watch the damn Kikkoman thingie.

Proof
Not At All Formulaic
No Trailer Available @ Press Time

Lucky is me who got to see such an early screening of this flick so no other critics’ reviews can influence my opinion. Why? Cause there are no reviews! Snot only dat, but there isn’t even an American release date set yet… unless you count Argentina as part of America. OK, enuff about how cool I am (mucho gra$$y-a$$ to Big Bad Bogsly), and lettuce break out our red pens and grade this math test movie. This movie has Oscar glory written all over it, based on the cast and crew. It’s directed by John Madden (of Shakespeare in Love fame, not MNF) and is based on the hit play by David Auburn about a genius mathematician (Hannibal Lecter) who starts to lose it in his old age. He’s taken care of by his daughter (Apple Martin’s mum, bird-neck Paltrow) who in turn shares some of her father’s traits: being brizz-ainy/crizz-zazzy. When the old man dies, Paltrow’s sister (the EVER succulent Hope Davis) comes to town to whisk her away before she follows in papa’s footsteps to the loony bin. Also, one of Hannibal’s former students (Donnie Darko) starts digging thru his papers (the papers) in search of some Holy Grail of mathematics (or as British people call it, ‘maths’). Paltrow lets her guard down (as well as her panties) to Darko (maybe cause he loves bunnies so much… so don’t u dare call this movie Rabbit-Proof Fence) and reveals to him a mathematical proof that could change the world. STEP OFF PYTHAGORAS!! Too bad Hope & Darko don’t bee leave her for a second that she could’ve come up with it and attribute the work to the late and great Dr Lecter instead. The rest of the movie deals with proving the proof. IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME SORT OF PROOF!! Oh the drama!! Seriously, who woulda thunk that a play/movie about math could be so engaging? It’s hard not to be when the cast is as stellar as a bottle of Stella Artois. And unlike some plays that made the jump to the big screen, it doesn’t come off as being too stagy. Supposedly this movie could have been released this past December as Oscar bait, but Mirabest held it back. I don’t know what will be (or has been) retooled, but come next year Gwenie and David Auburn (scriptness) could be blessed with Oscar noms. And the formula works for me: Paltrow + Hope Davis divided by Darko = A Muss Sea.

Recommended for those who like: O’Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko’s eyebrows and facial hair.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.

Rory O’Shea Was Here
Hot Wheels
View Trailer

This movie was begging for me to see it. First of all, I saw the trailer 2,31475,1,6472 times in the theater, and plus it looked like a guaranteed tear-jerker, which as you all have learned, is what Thigh Master loves best (go ahead, call me Mr Softee!) Well, I’m sad to report that a movie about a Duchenne muscular dystrophy and a cerebral palsy-stricken pair of wheelchair-bound buddies striving for an independent lifestyle in Ireland didn’t make me shed one single tear! A lot critics have been calling it “manipulative and predictable” (maybe the title gives away what happens to Rory), but I say, who gives a flying fork??? Sure, the emotion and charm was laid on thick, but it kept me from checking the time on my watch (er, um, cell phone. You see, Thigh Master never wears a watch) and that’s always a good sign. Sure, the script aint My Left Foot, but it aint Suck My Left Testicle either. The movie is carried on the backs of the three principle actors, the spirited James McAvoy, the beautiful Romola Garai, and the brilliant Steven Robertson. Sometimes it’s alright not to cry, hispecially if you’re too busy smiling.

Recommended for those who like: Mike Utley (again, sorry), Johnny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, and something not starring Vin Diesel as a nanny.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Commitments.

Nobody Knows
The Japanese Lord of the Flies?
View Trailer

Once hagain, I thought I found a perfect movie that would send me digging for Kleenex (not in a sexual way, ala Mean Girls). Instead, this tale about 4 precious kids (ages 12-5) forced to fend for themselves after they were basically abandoned by their mother, almost sent me to snoozeland. After watching what I had thought was an hour of the flick was only 1/2 hour, after checking my watch (see above). That got me all in a hizzy tizzy, hispecially since there was another 111 minutes left!! Talk about a snail’s pace people! Yikes! Unlike Rory, this movie has been given Arcade Firesque like buzz. I juss don’t see it. Sure, the subject matter is harrowing, but mainstream audiences will be bored to tears. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about cause I don’t have any kids, but if I was married and my wife forced me into seeing this, I might abandon her! Hey, nobody who knows?

Recommended for those who like: Ramen noodles, Japanese girls in sailor-suits, and actresses named after pronouns with high-pitched voices.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kids.

Coach Carter
Hoosiers Meets Stand & Deliver
View Trailer

What more do you need to know? If you enjoyed Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver, you’ll like this. DUHVS!

Recommended for those who like: Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Hide and Seek & Boogeyman
Do They Even Try Making Good Horror Movies Anymore?
View H&S Trailer and Boogey Trailer

Lets cut to the chase here. Hide and Seek had the potential to be a good, but floundered in the third act, while Boogeyman was straight-up microwaved tunafish burning on a pile of dog poo complete with bearded-women pubic hair. I can see why H & S hit the box office jackpot on its opening weekend (cause Dakota Fanning is a bigger draw these days than DeNiro), but Boogeyman? You people have got to be ashamed of yerselves. I’m even ashamed at myself and my mother who dragged me to go see it, cause my pops is too much of a wuss to see scary movies. I’m even going to do you all a huge favor which will guarantee that you won’t ever see either of them: reveal their endings. In H & S, Fanning’s imaginary friend turns out to be DeNiro who has a split personality. Along the way, he killed Fanning’s mum (his wife) and Elisabeth Shue (don’t tell mom that the adventures in babysitting’s babysitter is dead). And in Boogeyman, our hero, isn’t crazy after all. It really was the Boogeyman who sucked his father into a closet oh those years ago!! Not only that, but he gets rid of the Boogeyman for good by sitting in a special chair and destroying random pieces of crap in his room. Or did he get rid of them? Rumors are abound about a sequel. Gawd help us all.

Recommended for those who like: having 3 hours of their lives wasted, having your intelligence insulted, and crap on a stick (not to be confused with Pizza In A Cup).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real horror movie like the two best Psycho or The Shining.

And thus concludes another set of reviews. As promised, once I posted about Flying Dizzles I would be able to complete my Thighs Wide Movies 2004 report. Look for it and other Oscar goodies in the next couple of weeks, in the meantime…

Mental Rental Wround-Up

– We Don’t Live Here Anymore (trailer) AND Code 46 (trailer) are THE most overlooked movies of ’04. I yearned and urinated to see them both in theaters, but both were gone quicker than you can say ‘flizzle my lefty driesell in the house of flying dizzle with my be-dazzlerâ„¢‘. Wow, I was one ‘Dizzee Rascal’ away from copyright infringement on the great Peabs’ prose. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see a movie where Mick Jones karaokes to The Clash (Code) or where Naomi Watts gets railed against a wall (Live Here)?

– The repairing of my flavs Miranda Otto and Rhys Ifans in the romantic comedy Danny Deckchair(trailer) was purty darn adorable, but nothing on the scale of Oliver Barrett in anything/D.A.R.Y.L. (trailer).

– The Forgotten (trailer) was not forgettable, and neither was seeing Mimi Rogers’ bazongas or Kim Basinger getting plunked in the butty in The Door In The Floor (trailer), but usually the movies that are bestest are older and foreign. Thus, I highly recommended Wong Kar-Wai’s moody In The Mood For Love (trailer), Alec Guinness playing 8 roles in the delightful Ealing Studios comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets (trailer), and French-fried caper Bob Le Flambeur, which was remade into the hugely enjoyable flick starring Nick Nolte, The Good Thief (trailer).

Until next time, the balcony is clothed.

– FIELD DAY 2005 is the new FAILED DAY 2003!!! AKA, that shiz aint happening this summer, but maybe next. So what have we learned? Andrew ‘Durstkin’ Dreskin is filled with more lies than Donald Rumsfeld’s dingleberries. Shame on you Andy!! I mean, how much longer should we stay tuned?

– Bree Van De Kamp/Marcia Cross denies being a carpetbaggermuncher. Wow, my penis amazingly juss unbroke!

– Anyone want to make a gentleman’s wager that Die Hard 4 won’t hold a grenade launcher to Ben Stiller’s Die Hard 12: Die Hungry [vid]?

– Dakota Fanning to vomit pea soup? They could make a film of her napping and I’d still see it opening weekend!

– BRIT bits.

– The Hives clean up at the Swedish Grammys. I also hear that the Swedish Meatball won the Best Ball of Meat Award earlier this week.

– More Superman casting?

– Hilary Muff to park the car at Harvard yard.

– What do ‘a double-sided dildo made out of smoked Gouda’, ‘a dentureless Jessica Tandy’, and the beloved children’s book Sweet Pickles all have in common? They’re just some of the many topics covered in our President’s weekly web address.

– Speaking of Sweet Pickles, this is the greatest title of all time:

– The BAFTAs (no, not NAFTA’s cousin) will air on BBCAmerica this Sat @ 9pm. Too bad my eyes will be glued to the Twerps v Duke game.

– Whats gots more buzz than an Arcade Fire pajama party? The long-awaited DVD release of what has been called one of the greatestist space western musicals of our time: The American Astronaut. [via Brad Foreskin]

– Congforkulations to The Gay Master for becoming this week’s guest blizogger over at F.U.B.A.R..

– Melissa Gilbert lets her nip sag at SAG awards. Who’s next, Sara Gilbert? Or how about Mr Grape and whatever’s eating him? [via Socialismlite]

– Japanese Happy Meal Toys



– If you have a kid (then please stop reading this site) and want him to be the coolest kid in the world, bid on this pair of Freezy Freakies or take em to BK for some hot Activision action (not to be confused with Elevator Action). [Bitties in the BK hottieness via Tony’s CPU]

– Semi-NSFW Animated Gif of a Transformer Molesting A Boy [via Newbsy]

– After peeping the quaint movie Rory O’Shea Was Here, I muss declare that Romola Garai is my newestest, mos flavoritest NonUsHottie of the moment. I want her to touch my lucky charms and rub it all nice til it becomes an Irish Spring. I heart her so much that I may actually watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.