Thighs Wide Shut

• What’s the greatest computer-based game of all thymes? No doubt the one that our 4th grade Social Studies teachers ‘forced’ us play back in the mid 80s: Oregon Trail. I mean, who didn’t try to kill their family off as qwikly as humanly possible, by starvation, disease, drowning, or at the hands of them evil Injuns?? I loved the game so much that when I gots to high school (the one ranked 11th best in the country) and had Journalism for 7th period, we’d all get passes to go to the library to do ‘research’, aka, play the deluxe mid 90s version of the game. Sometimes we’d get the passes, leave school, smoke mad blunts and eat lots of Doritos, but that’s another story for another time. Anywho, major spanks to Double Viking for digging up a version u can play right on yer computer!! Now if only someone could dig up Archon or Carmen Sandiego for me, cause I’m too darn busy playing Where’s Peabs [via Senor Grambs] to find dem other games myself. In the meantime, I’m gonna party like it’s 1849!!

• VAUGHN UPSET HIS CAMEO IN MR + MRS SMITH WAS LEAKED

• THIGH MASTER UPSET VAUGHN HAS CAREER

• David Gray and his sweet-arsed voice are going on tour. Too bad I can only think of Cuthbest in the back seat of a car getting railed by that quiche-bag [very end o’ clip] when I hear ‘This Year’s Love’. Anywho, here be the dates:

1st August: Toronto, The Carlu (General on sale 17th June)
2nd August: New York, Webster Hall (General On sale 22nd June)
4th August: Boston, Avalon (General On sale 24th June)
5th August: Philadelphia, Merriam Theatre (General on sale 18th June)
6th August: Washington DC, 9:30 Club (General on sale 30th June)
8th August: Chicago, Vic Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
9th August: Minneapolis, State Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
14th August: Seattle, Moore Theatre (General on sale 7th July)
16th August: San Francisco, The Fillmore (General on sale 10th July)
17th August: LA, John Anson Ford Theatre (General on sale 9th July)

• Like seeing Alba in that tight-arsed blue suit? You may get yer chance to see in twice more over the next 12 years! Like seeing whorreible Alba photoshop? You get yer chance right now! [info via IM]

• What is sure to be the weirdest thing mt everest? Bjork’s sdtrk to hubby Matthew Barney’s latest Drawing Restraint 9. Sign me up NOW!

• There were sequels to Clockwork Oranges? No, juss two rip-offs: La Gang Dell’ Arancia Meccanica & Una Gute De Sangre Para Morir Amando (aka Clockwork Terror), which actually starred Sue Lyon who played the title character in Kubrick’s Lolita!

• What did the Cream reunion sound like? Find out fo yo self! But no sunshine of my love for ‘Anyone For Tennis’? That would’ve been nice.

• Hugh Jackman looking at Rachel Weisz in the snow!!?@!#? This IS gonna be Aronofsky’s bestest!

• Arcade Fire to re-release their ole EP. No tracks contain the word ‘neighborhood’. Not related: Synappies’ list of his flavorite NFL player names: Atari Bigby

• Celebrity tongues. Warning: the Brittany Murphy ones may blind you… unless u peep these other random ani gifs 1st!

• Tell Harry to cast a spell and make you 18 already!

• I bet on super-Earth their version of Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look like a cracked out whorebag!

• The annotated guide to BJ’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ [via MonkeyMan]

• I kinda feel sorry for the Old Kids On the Block. Hispecially the one who likes like Joel Grey ala Cabaret, avec soul patch.

• Please tell me this is true: Six minutes of exercise a week ‘is as good as six hours’. Cause I get about 12 minutes of quality hand relief every 2 hours. [via Newz of da Weird]

• Why pay to see The Island, when u can go for free (select cities). Same goes for NYCers with David LaChapelle’s Rize

• Triumph @ the Jackson Trial

• And if I ran Hollywurst, I’d make the ultimate Mask movie, starring a mishapeneded Eric Stoltz, a green Jamie Kennedy, the van-dyke-stached Jack White [via Mod], and the OG cast of The Iron Mask. This could be the bestest movie idea I’ve had since Leonard Parts I-V or that giraffe thingie.

…speaking of, how come the DVD release of the bestest Bill Cosby on an ostrich film flew completely under my Thighdar and the rest of the world’s presses? This could be the biggest DVD release since the original Star Warseses!! So don’t tom delay, buy twoday!

• I cunt bee leave mine own eyes & thighs, as my two baseball squads, the O’s & the Natty’s, are sittin (not eggzactly pretty) in first place of their respective divisions!!! I kent bee leave I’m actually semi-interested in base-bore for the 1st time since Major League 2 was released!! Thanks for playing Omar Epps. I sure do wish it was Rocktober already, for two reasons: 1) basebuzzzzzzzzzz season would almost be over & 2) my boys of summer slumber could possib BLY be meeting up for the 1st ever Beltway World Series!! To hell with the subways & John Rocker’s loving of the people that ride them, cause my sqizauds are on point and hitting the MARC.

• Ronald McMolester joins Cookie Puss(y) in the land of sell-outdom. Low-Culture anal-izes THAT!

• Axel F & Tarantino, a more unlikely combo than tuna fish & Yankee Candle. [via The POOONmaster]

• Brett Ratner Not Easing My Fears

• Nice try Danny, but NOTHING could save the tripestain that was The Beach. Not even Virginie Ledoyen semi-nude in water. Speaking of, why has Hollywurst turned its back on the hottiest French thang of the late 90s? Have they not seen these other screencaps of her nekkid? And no, gettin her to co-star alongside Ron Livingston and Chris Penn doesn’t count! [2 outta 3 are NSFW]

• Coldplay‘s stoopid album art has been explained. Could be the biggest let down since Crystal Pepsi!!

• Drew Rosenhaus talks TO on PTI, and in the process reveals how big of a quiche bag he truly is.

• Wanna make Ken Jennings suffer? Stick em on a ferris wheel.

• Don’t import, juss ‘sample’ Coral’s The Invisible Invasion

• And here’s some soundtracks galore for yer thIghPod: Karate Kid, The Princess Bride, Garden Snoooze, Heavenly Creatures, Requiem for a Dream, 5th Element, and one of my all thyme flavorites STDKs, About A Boy

• Related: is this the REAL The Karate Kid?

• Not Related: woman farting on TV

• Ever wonder what Robert Plant would look like ironing on stage? Wonder solved. [via Z de la R]

• Whatever Happened to Polio? And why did the pollo cross the road?

• Maria Sharapova Chuggin a Bottle

• THOSE GREEDY WHAMMIES!

• Bless the person searching for ‘tara reid skankbot’. But how did ‘skankbot’ join the vernacular? Was it the Buffy episode in ’01 where Warren turned women into sex slaves, while Buffy & Spike gotz raw like they was in Monster’s Ball [peas give clickage to see the CENSORED Buffy/Spike hotness, avi file stizzle]? Read part of the script for proof.

• No hot chicks down here today, even though it is ex-Queen of Naboo/possib HRT the III/Natty Portman’s 24 b-day (as well as Freddie Highmore’s 13th, Johnny Depp’s 42nd, & Michael J Fox’s 44th), but juss a pic of world champ Hans Gassner, who juss won the freestyle full beard category at the recent Beard Olympics in Leogang, Austria. Brother still got some mountains to climb if he wants to beat this dude @ the World Beard & Mustache-A-Thon in Berlin this ROCKtober!! [via Synapster]

• HE DID IT!! Brad Rutter, a 27 year-old from Amishville, PA, beat the living fork outta Stormin Mormon Jennings AND that child molestin’ looking guy, and pocketed $2 milliones in the process! But how could I care about such green apple splatters and matters when my dearest Pammy Poo walked away wit nuttin cept the admiration of bloggers everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean right here! Oh well brainiac baby-tasty-cakes, at least we can still sit by the fire and read the almanac, Encyclopedia Britannica, and play Trivial Pursuit. When we get bored with all that learning stuff, we’ll throw on the 1st ever Jeopardy! DVD, rock some of dat A-B repeat action of 80s Alex, avec mustache-a-zoid & sniper glasses, pronouncing some cockyamammy word like ‘mummenschanz‘, while we rub coco butter all over ourselfz til dawn.

We interrupt this Jeopardy! wet daily dream double fantasy for the usual crap I think you nia peoples like…

• Looks like this whole Cuthy and me thang aint gonna work out cause she finds tattoos attractive on men, and I will NEVER ever get one. EVER! Wait, this is Cuthbest I’m talkin bout here. I’d let her spit mircowaved tuna fish into my mouth for shying out proud! OK, maybe I can be convincevaughned into getting ‘Wino Forever‘ on my arm!

• Call him Ismail… Merchant, but whatevski u do, don’t call him, cause HE DIE! Stick a spork in em, he’s peaced out!! And wherever u may be IM, I hope they gave you a room, with a VIEW!!! Is this Howard’s End? NO, it’s your end Merchie!!

• Harry Pothead secrets leaked leakier than the Leaky Cauldron? [via UMC]

• W(h)ATTS?!?!?!?!

• Shitney’s show may get axed cause nobody cares. Shitney who? Don’t dare tell Trent Is The New Messiah!

• Get over yoself Cpt Boring the I! Yous guys are juss a 6th rate Travis, but somehow became more popular than them. And what’s a wonderwall anyway?

• For once, Sly & I see eye to eye of the tiger.

• Damon needs graham crackers, er, um, uh, Graham! And don’t 4get: @ 1pm Damon, Jamie, and Dangermouse of the G-Rizlas will be stopping by the Union Sq Virgin Megastore. Apparently, they’ll be answering questions, signing copies of “Demon Days,” and playing tracks and vid from the album. YUMMY!

• I juss hope that Colin ‘Ricky’ Powell doesn’t have to lie to the UN about his beloved Natties!

• Even though 60 Minutes II is going the way of The Mullets, I still have to ask for the 4,693894,315663,166278,9,90 time, how is Steve Hartman considered television personality?

• The day I’ve been yearnin n’ burnin for since Thighs Wide Day One has frynally arrived: I’ve had the distinct honor of being added to Ms Modern Age’s blog roll (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, blog ROLL!!)!!! And if you didn’t already know, she was one of my main inspirations and perspirations (besides Jesus, and his blog) for gettin started in da 1st place. Bless you and your awesome-o-licious ways. And whatever you do, don’t TEMP us like you did before!

• Da Da Vinci Code da official WEBSITE!

• Looking to get yer beloved Thigh Mizzle a gift-flizze for Lag B’Omer? See pic on right of two kids wit same name.

• While Peabs is on permanent flobvscation, I’ve turned to Bandwagon Boy for all my politics and prose, and American Idle tidbits!

• Not a big sirprize that the Japanese poster for War of the Worlds features a lil girl in the arms of an older man… which is eggzactly what those freaky bastards love about their hentai porn [NSFPlanet Earth]. And these people think they’re in the ‘Cool Biz’, HA!

• Sorry lizadies, but this is even mo proof why being a man rox the buttox!

• Fresca: The Next Generation [via Sugar, Mr Poon?, which is still, the greatest blog name of malls thyme]

• If Tootsie Roll Industries own Blow Pops (which I never knew), why are they bothering to introduce three new Blow Popesque flavors to their Tootsie Pop line? Whatever u doski, juss don’t ask Mr. Owl!!

• A brief study of Ewan McGregor’s uncle Wedge, sitting in cockpits.

• Do you really care to see a Paris semi-nip slip? [via D’s D]

• Marlon Brando’s GrandDAUGHTER!?!

• Mashups dujor [via the Veeg]

• Own one of the finest Cliff Engle sweaters around… cause I’m too portly to bid on it :(

• I can’t splain why I’ve reported so much Lohag fizz these days, maybe cause I keep reading recockulous things like her possibly starring in a Barbarella remake, but anywayz, I just had a revelation: everyone’s been comparing her to Ann-Margret, but how come no mention of her looking zactly like to Vicki Stubing/the girl from Airplane! who needed a heart?

• What a week it has been FOX’s pin-up toy Logan Marshall Green! First Jack Bauer ALMOST chopped off his legs and threw him into a lava pit when he tried to choke Padame, but he saved himself when he admitted how much he loved cock and how he thinks his TV dad looks like a Kennedy family reject. Then just last night, he was taking it easy with Orange County’s most easiest when all hell broke loose again. Almost as loose as said girl. Seems his brother Rygar wasn’t too fond of his fondling of the hottiest woman in the world named Mischa. Well, lettuce juss say he gots what he deserved as the OCk ended with a BANG! And with 24 peacing its fork out this Monday, I guess its time to bid adieu to the man we call Logan Marshall Trey Richard Heller Green Atwood. You will be missed. And by missed, I mean I’d shit on your house, at the first very first chance I get, like Ronald Miller did to earn respeck on his best friend Kenneth‘s house in Can’t Buy Me Love. If Brian Austin Green couldn’t buddy hacket, how can you?

• Why is women be so darn beautifulski and men are so (Michael) Gross?

• Lohag, still nasty

• Lohag Felicity in MI3?

• Depp to go gonzo again. Last time around was genius… too bad the movie wasn’t.

• Aye ca-WHAT-a, Bart is a mayor?

• Woah, the OG Lebowski Fest mcnabbed They Might Be Giants this year!

• BV skims thru the semi-hard to navigate NYC’s River2River Summer Fest site to give you the best of the best breast of the breast! No confirm on the Fiery Furnabest show… yet.

• Guns ‘NÂ’ Roses Album Update #1,367, and no I didn’t make up that headline!

• The Stripes are in such a hurry this summer. I guess you could call them RUSSIANS! Speaking of my ancestors, why not download Roxette’s greatest hits from one of their fine internets portals!

• Beck loves Cali

• Boring just got bigger!

• Gorillaz brainchildren, Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn, will be making the following in-store appearances next week:

May 24 – Newbury Comics, Boston, 7pm
May 25 – Criminal Records, Atlanta, 6pm
May 26 – Virgin Megastore, Union Square NYC, 12-2pm

• Cherish these Steve Hartman reports now, before you see him on the streets pissing on himself and talking to mail boxes.

• Geri ‘Ginger Snatch Spice’ Halliwell’s gig of a lifetime: Blur in the ’95? I knew she was deliscumptious, but I didn’t realize she had good taste too!

• Fooled by Justin/Fubar 2.0/Don’t Link This‘ disappearing act? I was never worried for a second, but me likes the new look, hispecially seein’ Thighs occupy the top link slot. Dare I say, thanks a slot?

• Chewie may pick up his chicks at Cons, but Darth makes his living off em!

• Damn, I was really hoping to sue my 1st grade baseball coach for patting me on the ass as I rounded first base.

• Silent Flute dug up some hot snaps from the 24 season finale. Peeep em here, here, here, and here!

• Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes

• And now for the other OC, the REAL OC: Ocean City, Merryland, where me and the fellers, who attended the 11th best high school in AMORICA (!), will be celebrating the waning freedom days of one Davi Phil El Hofbergo… who oddly enough reminds me of a kindler, gayer (only cause he’s too good in the kitchen), Ryan Atwood. Anywho, did you know that there’s a growing rivalry between the two OCs that no one even knows about??? Either spray, I’m thinking that Misch’s and mine’s love will erase the rift that seperates our two great OCs. I guess we’ll juss have to wait and O’sea.

pink stencil font 4eva!!

Pee es – as you probably gathered, dearest Pammy Pam was not able to come back and beat Mr Mustachio. A sad day indeed. And although she did not win the big monies I still would heavily consider letting her have the honor of taking my super sperm and turning it into super sexy smart and smart-arsed children.

[via The Superfish]
• If only Moby were here to look at us, cause we is beautiful.

• I loves it when there be mad press goings on for things I really love. Last month it was a sea of Cuthbestedness for House of Wax Dat A$$, and now it’s the Gorillaz turn! Not only did we learn that their new tour will once again feature the same impersonal silhouette display they rocked back in the ’02 from B-board, but even the NY Times dropped some scoopage (+ a great pic of Mr Albarn on a bike!) like the Dreamworks feature film is not going to happen and that Danger Mouse will be on board for the next Blur album.

• Speaking of, details of Graham’s next crackers revealed! Hey Coxy, save sum of dem idears for yer former bandmates.

• Can yous bee leave someone ponyed up 7.4 mills to get Destiny’s Child to play their son’s Bar Mitzvah? If yer daddy had a fat bank roll who would you choose to make you Bar/Bat Mitzvah the mos rockinest Jewfest of all? For me, it would have to be the keepers of the keytars, Air. Although I bet it wouldn’t cost to much too get the Fiery Furnaces in general.

• 2B purrrfectlee honest, Andy Rooney is berry umcredible & unrelievable. I mean, I’ve always wanted to hear him say ‘itÂ’s, like, cool, man.’

• New Radiohead Album Out Early 2006?

• I don’t even know who you are anymore.

• Even if Natalie was a bald cancer-stricken-neo-Nazi-lesbian, I’d and you’d still bone her six ways from Saturday.

• First PS3 photo?

• Ladytron & Madness to tour Engerland (not together) this summer, but when the fork are they States bound?

• The Wendy’s missing digit mystery has finally been fingered out.

• R2-D2 hates on C3-PO

• Anybody know this Star Wars character’s name?

• WHAT?!?!?! The only good thing that could possib-lee come out of this is another round of McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper (scratch-off) Game, which I now will be on the look out for on eBay.

• Speaking of… Nintendo Game + Bad Movie = Pure Entertainment

• Liam Gallagher to star opposite Begbie?

• Trent is The New Messiah was chosen as the NY Post’s 10th entry on their weekly Hot List. I guess the Post doesn’t realize that he’s gay.

• How long can I stay tuned for their next move?

• Anyone looking to buy yer beloved Thigh Mizzle a gift and have $200 to spare? Look no further!!

• Come play with us Danny, for ever and ever and EVER!

• May is National Bike Month! Somebody call Eric Thomann!!

• Classic Car Commercials

• Anyone else going to the Kasabian show at Bowery tonight? I’m flying solo and need someone to rock out with. Look for me sans sunglasses & corn.

• Forgot to mention this last week, but Jeopardy! honey/my future wife, Pam Mueller, won her Elite 18 match against a bunch of social butterflies in the Tournament of Champions. This week she will compete in the Semi-Finals, and get one step closer to takin on dorkmaster Ken Jennings in the final round. My TiVo® pause button, Jergens® & Kleenex® are all ready 2 gogh!

• And a belated 29th burthday wish goes out to UK uber-cutie pie Martine McCutcheon [NSFW]. Boy I sure would like to McTouchen her mar’hiney.