Trail Blazin At The Speed of Snails

• What’s the greatest computer-based game of all thymes? No doubt the one that our 4th grade Social Studies teachers ‘forced’ us play back in the mid 80s: Oregon Trail. I mean, who didn’t try to kill their family off as qwikly as humanly possible, by starvation, disease, drowning, or at the hands of them evil Injuns?? I loved the game so much that when I gots to high school (the one ranked 11th best in the country) and had Journalism for 7th period, we’d all get passes to go to the library to do ‘research’, aka, play the deluxe mid 90s version of the game. Sometimes we’d get the passes, leave school, smoke mad blunts and eat lots of Doritos, but that’s another story for another time. Anywho, major spanks to Double Viking for digging up a version u can play right on yer computer!! Now if only someone could dig up Archon or Carmen Sandiego for me, cause I’m too darn busy playing Where’s Peabs [via Senor Grambs] to find dem other games myself. In the meantime, I’m gonna party like it’s 1849!!

• VAUGHN UPSET HIS CAMEO IN MR + MRS SMITH WAS LEAKED

• THIGH MASTER UPSET VAUGHN HAS CAREER

• David Gray and his sweet-arsed voice are going on tour. Too bad I can only think of Cuthbest in the back seat of a car getting railed by that quiche-bag [very end o’ clip] when I hear ‘This Year’s Love’. Anywho, here be the dates:

1st August: Toronto, The Carlu (General on sale 17th June)
2nd August: New York, Webster Hall (General On sale 22nd June)
4th August: Boston, Avalon (General On sale 24th June)
5th August: Philadelphia, Merriam Theatre (General on sale 18th June)
6th August: Washington DC, 9:30 Club (General on sale 30th June)
8th August: Chicago, Vic Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
9th August: Minneapolis, State Theatre (General on sale 25th June)
14th August: Seattle, Moore Theatre (General on sale 7th July)
16th August: San Francisco, The Fillmore (General on sale 10th July)
17th August: LA, John Anson Ford Theatre (General on sale 9th July)

• Like seeing Alba in that tight-arsed blue suit? You may get yer chance to see in twice more over the next 12 years! Like seeing whorreible Alba photoshop? You get yer chance right now! [info via IM]

• What is sure to be the weirdest thing mt everest? Bjork’s sdtrk to hubby Matthew Barney’s latest Drawing Restraint 9. Sign me up NOW!

• There were sequels to Clockwork Oranges? No, juss two rip-offs: La Gang Dell’ Arancia Meccanica & Una Gute De Sangre Para Morir Amando (aka Clockwork Terror), which actually starred Sue Lyon who played the title character in Kubrick’s Lolita!

• What did the Cream reunion sound like? Find out fo yo self! But no sunshine of my love for ‘Anyone For Tennis’? That would’ve been nice.

• Hugh Jackman looking at Rachel Weisz in the snow!!?@!#? This IS gonna be Aronofsky’s bestest!

• Arcade Fire to re-release their ole EP. No tracks contain the word ‘neighborhood’. Not related: Synappies’ list of his flavorite NFL player names: Atari Bigby

• Celebrity tongues. Warning: the Brittany Murphy ones may blind you… unless u peep these other random ani gifs 1st!

• Tell Harry to cast a spell and make you 18 already!

• I bet on super-Earth their version of Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look like a cracked out whorebag!

• The annotated guide to BJ’s ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’ [via MonkeyMan]

• I kinda feel sorry for the Old Kids On the Block. Hispecially the one who likes like Joel Grey ala Cabaret, avec soul patch.

• Please tell me this is true: Six minutes of exercise a week ‘is as good as six hours’. Cause I get about 12 minutes of quality hand relief every 2 hours. [via Newz of da Weird]

• Why pay to see The Island, when u can go for free (select cities). Same goes for NYCers with David LaChapelle’s Rize

• Triumph @ the Jackson Trial

• And if I ran Hollywurst, I’d make the ultimate Mask movie, starring a mishapeneded Eric Stoltz, a green Jamie Kennedy, the van-dyke-stached Jack White [via Mod], and the OG cast of The Iron Mask. This could be the bestest movie idea I’ve had since Leonard Parts I-V or that giraffe thingie.

…speaking of, how come the DVD release of the bestest Bill Cosby on an ostrich film flew completely under my Thighdar and the rest of the world’s presses? This could be the biggest DVD release since the original Star Warseses!! So don’t tom delay, buy twoday!