Moneyball
Straight A’s
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Moneyball does cinematic poetry to statistical baseball analysis and management like The Social Network did with internets social networking empire building. The recipe – take a best selling book with a subject matter that might not lend itself to being a compelling thing to watch, throw in some punchy Aaron Sorkin (+ Steven Zaillian) words, a great cast & score, and let the good times roll.  And roll, they do!!!

Moneyball will make you believe that David still has a chance against Goliath.  It will make want to buy an Oakland A’s hat.  It will make you rethink Brad Pitt.  We were pretty much done with star, but for the first time in awhile, he’s acting as someone else (Billy Beane), and not juss being Brad Pitt the movie star in a movie.  It will make you yearn for endless Jonah Hill dramatic work (see Cyrus.  seriously, see that movie.  he was fantastic in it) or for him to have stayed fat forever (he just looks wrong, but good for him).  It will make you want to have a daughter that plays guitar.  It will make you wish that Philip Seymour Hoffman was hatcually a baseball manager.  It will make you swear that Chris Pratt isn’t really a prat.  It will make you aware that Bennett Miller (Capote) might really be quite good as this directing thing

But there’s gotta be some bad, right? OF COURSE!  WE CAN EVEN FIND BAD IN POPEYES FRIED CHICKEN (their lack of biscuit sangwiches).  Here’s the ‘bad’ – no AC/DC’s ‘Moneytalks’, the A’s don’t win the World Series (no spoiler there kids), and it’s kinda long.  Well, so is baseball, so maybe they got it right (they did)

BALK THIS WAY, TALK THIS WAY!!!

Hammer Time: always found this tibit so fascinating…

MC Hammer got his nickname from his childhood job with the Oakland Athletics.  Eccentric longtime A’s owner Charlie O Finley loved Stanley Kirk Burrell, the talented kid who danced in the team’s parking lot and eventually became a batboy and an errand boy for the club, and the benevolent owner called him ‘Little Hammer’ because he thought Burrell looked like ‘Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. When the Little Hammer picked up the mic, he became M.C. Hammer [via MFloss]

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Moneyball is atop the standings today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Abduction
Wolfkid’s Got Nards
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

There are bad movies that are juss flat out bad, and then there are bad movies that are fun cause they are bad.  Abduction is fun bad.  It’s a movie that is played out rather seriously, but no viewer would possibly be able to take it seriously.  And if you take it for what it’s not, you might end up enjoying it, like we did… somehow.  IT’S TRUE!

We’ve always been on team Jacob (Taylor Lautner), THIS IS ALSO IT’S TRUE!!!, but the Twilight movies never let him win.  In Abduction he’s finally the center of brooding attention, fighting the good cheesy fight, and even gets the girl in the end.  Plus, this girl (Lily Collins) is far better looking, far less annoying, and doesn’t pine for undead dudes who play vampire baseball at dusk like someone one we all know and don’t care about!!!

READ: KRISTEN STEWART IS THE TWIWÃœRST!!!

Abduction‘s got some quality out of place talent on board (Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver), something resembling decently-ish directed hot action action (John Singleton, who’s gone from examining gun violence, to becoming a gun for hire), and sum well needed Amtrak Pittsburgh Pirates love (they might juss have the best font in all of sports), but it’s all undermined by a bumblepooped script (by Shawn Christensen).  Hard to tell if it read better as a script than how it sounded in a film, but there’s no way lines like ‘I hate balloons‘ was ever going to make much of a pop.  And who hates balloons anyways, besides maybe the boy in the plastic bubble??

Still, the clunky dialog, and in & outnane story (enrypted names on a phone or something with the wolfkid‘s dad that’s like a secret dad, which somehow also deals with nightmares about home gas attacks in Paris from the past, or something) hactually helps to make this nonsensical sensicalnon consensual nonsexual conjob watchable

Biggest benefactor of the cruddy verbiage is Dragon Tattooer Michael Mikael Blomkvist Nyqvist.  This tired & grumpy looking Swede was born to play a generic Eastern European baddie, but hopefully he’ll get better baddies to play in the years to come, or perhaps star in remakes of Daniel Craig movies

This film is thighly recommended for people who love thick eyebrows.  Everyone else – eye-browse at your own risk

Reprised Possession: we were blind-sided by Phil Collins’ daughter Lily in The Blind Side, and she will forevermore be stroking us with her invisible touch

Verdictgo: can’t believe we’re typing this but Jeepers Kinda Sorta Worth A Peepers

Abduction is lost and found at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, but team Jacob isn’t…

have you seen these eyebrows?  they are currently missing and may have been abducted by vampires or people who hate wolves

we are also still looking for this leprechaun, last seen in Alabama

there is a $1 reward for any information leading to the recovery of these brows or the Irish dwarf

Peace The Forks Out

to

R.E.M.

1980 – 2011???

That was just a dream
Try, cry, why, try
That was just a dream
just a dream, just a dream…

don’t worry, they’ll be back

Contagion
Semi-Avoid This Like The Plague
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

And the unscariest lame scary movie that wasn’t intended to be a scary movie is… Steven Nederbergh‘s Contagtgitiontioniagagaionagioanggaaioaniatgaionattaoon!!!  This coulda been 28 Days Later, but ended up being about as adventerous as 28 Days Slater!!!  Gwyneth Paltrow foams at the mouth to death within the first 15 minutes and then it’s pretty much Purell pure-hell of boredom the rest of the way!!!!  Not even bats feeding pigs feeding humans causing problems on Day 1 can make us give a sh#t about any day that followed.  Contagtioaianiataianigaianaian did for germs what Food, Inc did for unhealthy eating – not change our minds on the subject whatsoever.  Bring on the tainted pig, please!!!!

Colombiana
More Like Colombian-MEH
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 108 min

Luc, stop writing and producing easy action garbage (like Colombiana), and directing kids movies, and juss reunite with Natalie Portman and make yer name mean something once again.

Here’s hoping your Lady aint shady

Verdictgos: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Contagion & Colombiana are C minuses at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…