2 Legit 2 Quidditch

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
School’s Out Forever!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

YES!!!!! Finally, a Harry Potterverse movie without children!!  No more pencils!!!  No more books!!!  No more teacher’s dirty looks!!!! And most spankfully – no more dumb Quidditch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what does a Harry Potter-less movie world look like?  Well, for one thing – they done did themselves, and me, a favor by going back in time to the 1920s, and shifting the fun from England to New York.  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them???  More like

 Fantastic BOBS and Where to Find Them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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oh man, 2 girls with 2 bobs +1 me = aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooooogah!!!

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and even though this lady is hellish, her bob is heavenly!!!

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who’s ready for a night out of sexily bobbing for bobs???

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I mean, who doesn’t love a good bob? Everyone wants to touch one!

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OK, ok, so bobs are great and all, but what about the movie itself?

It’s magical – cause they do magic, but it also has gotz its share of problems, like – what exactly is going on here, and why should I care about any of this? 

Newt Salamander (Eddie Redmayne, who’s acting style in every movie apparently consists of him and his awkward tunasalad lips, keeping his head down, and then picking his head up, scene after scene after scene after movie after movie after movie.  dude must have neck issues after all this acting in movies!!!)

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comes from England to New York to be a nervous nellie and like round up beasts or something, but in the process, unleashes beasts on a non-understanding muggle (who in the US are called Non-Majs, or something.  wish the movie took a larger stance against Nicki Minaj, and be pro-Non-Minaj) world  

One Non-Maj (Dan Fogler – editor’s note – I worked with him once, a zillion years ago, and he’s a super awesome guy, and I root for nothing but success for him, and he deserves it, cause he’s funny, and awesome – and you will love the ping-pong movie he was in if you never saw it) super-gets caught up in this mess, but cause this isn’t Harry Potter, the guy gets to stick around, and bob it up with two American magic hottie sisters (Katherine Waterston and Alison Sudol) trying to help dumb-dull-bore Newt be less dumb, dull and a bore

But there’s a bunch bumps in their path to success (and I have no idea what they’re looking to succeed in) – like magic hater Samantha Morton and her minions like Ezra Miller, who has a man-bob!

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and the magic congress of something or other isn’t pleased with Newt and the sisters and the Non-Maj’s tomfoolery, and there’s also something not quite right about Colin Farrell 

And there’s also something not quite right with the CGI of the beasts – they look really CGIy, and dumb.  Anytime the beasts were on screen, the movie was far from fantastic.  The rest of the time, where the magic people and the Non-Maj were maj-ging it up, it was kinda sorta close to fantastic, sorta kinda!

To be honest – the Harry Potter movies were fine and kinda fun, at the time of viewing them, but in retrospect – they kinda juss a big bunch of meh (the exception is the 3rd one).  I feel like this new franchise will be more of the same, BUT, cause these new movies will mainly involve adults, and no dumb schooling, and is un-stuck to the dumb Hogwürst school year structure, it has a chance to be something else, and perhaps something special.  The magic isn’t in question – we can take the tricks, juss please bring on the treats… and even more bobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

You can Find the Beasts arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Earthlinguistics

Arrival
More Talk, Less Rock
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 116 min

arrival

Aliens have arrived!  In pod shaped pods all over the globe!  But they don’t speak English or Russian or Chinese or any language with an alphabet.  So how can we communicate with them before we lose patience and destroy them????  

Enter linguist Amy Adams, Earth’s only hope at understanding what their inkblot Rorschach test writings are trying to tell us, so we can determine whether they are friend or foe!  But translating an unknown language is hard!  And takes time!  BUT WE DON’T HAVE TIME!!!  Military guy Forest Whitaker is growing weary by the second!!  CIA guy Michael Stuhlbarg is being a nebbishy pushy jew, pushing for non-Jewish results!!  The Chinese General Tzi Ma wants to blow them back to where they came from!  (maybe he should blow up all the Panda Expresses while we wait).  But Amy Adams has help – helpful and handsome Jeremy Renner!

Where it goes from there is thankfully non-conventional, a little lot bit Jodie Foster Contact, a little lot bit confusing, and somewhat somehow not fully satisfying (to me), but finishes as a nice looking little alien movie that gives us confidence that Denis Villeneuve can make a good Blade Runner sequel.  Long may you runner!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Arrival arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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