Thighs Wide Shut

I’m more speechless than Helen Keller taking in an Arrested Development reunion show without their lead singer. The Skins coulda easily won that game, but they didn’t and thus, kinda stank like stank breath. They have no quarterback and they have no kicker. They never really had a QB, but they did once have Kipp Vickers, and I bet he eats Domino’s Chicken Kickers in Kips Bay. Howblevs, they do have Tom Cruise, and the future naming of rights of Suri’s training bra. Regardies of what you spinx, Daniel Snyder is still the lord. And Snyder’s Pretzels are purty darn good. But aint the UTZ the true Prince of Hanover… PA? In other news, I’m a closeted heterosexual! Is it Zepptember 12th yet? Is it next Sunday yet? Things? STUFF! FOOTBALL!!

pee es – what’s the hell is a Suri? and what the fruck is a frush?

Sorry kids, but yer Master of Thighs is too effin busy being hypnotized by Merton Hanks’ giraffe neck to flazzum 4 mo photochops this week. Shiz takes forever, and ever for, is not what I is have. Cheer up, cause yer mom gives the best HJs around!

GO HAIL SKINS!
(and the Thinker for the Merton linker)!

There are few things I heart more than professional fooball. And since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what dem those few things be: fried chicken, Meg White’s bazongas, anything Stanley Kubrick, and a good ole HJ followed by an even better ole BJ. Now that we’ve established that, we can get on with our 1st pee view into the upcuming season of the NFL and some fantasy jounks to follow…

NFC East

More like NFC Best, or would NFC Beast be a better moniker? Top to bottom, the finest division, once again, in football (may rival the AL East as breastestiest divish is the werld!). Although many like the Eagles as a sleeper (they probably saw Invincible one too many times), I don’t see the Super Bowl winless Cheesesteakheads finishing anywhere butter than 3rd place. The loss of TO is huge, hispecially since his replacements are people you wouldn’t even pick in gym class. Well what about Donte’ Stallworth? More like Donte’ StallworthLESS(than Zero Mostel)!! It’ll be a dog fight betwixt the Skins, the Cowgirls, and the Giants til week 17. Since the ‘Girls get to play ‘Zona and the other two don’t, they may end up atop of the East. Despite the Skins’ lack of O (Randle El will be the QB by week 4) and my loathe of the other two, I actually like all three to make the playoffs, which almost happened last year.

NFC North

More like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Ever since TB got the boot from this division, it’s been more poop than Todd Van Poppel’s Score ’91 b-ball card. The Vikes are the Bears’ only competition, as the Packers and Lions are about as lame as Lane Meyer’s attempt at suicide, and that’s not really saying much. If anyone really youthinks the boys in Purple, with their pointless new jerseys (not to be confused with the pointless state of New Jersey) and whorrible mustiachioed coach, can win more than 8 games, I think you should tattoo Zygi Wilf on yer grundle. And Bearskis, even though yer a lock for the #2 spot in the NFC, don’t waste yer time drummin up another Super Bowl Shuffle, although I’d love to see a remake of the Grabowski… whatever the fork that was

NFC South

More like NFC ralph, er, um, whatever. The South, like Jimmy Hart‘s mouth, will no doubt make a bunch of noise this season, as they are undizzley the 2nd breastest division in the NFC. We’d all love to see Reggie Bush turn the ‘aints back into the Saints, but that’s probably a year or two away from happening. Vick blows goats and I don’t really trust Chris Simms’ ability as a starting QB either. I mean the dude looks like a Jake Busey clone gone bad and the only thing JB is good for is dental hygiene and destroying the Tom Skerritt space transporter in Contact. So that leaves the no-brainerness of the Panthers. He Hate Me or not, there’s a lot to love about their chances this year.

NFC West

More like NFC meh. I don’t care what moves ‘Zona made this offseason, they’re still the Cardinals and they still stink wurster than Pigpen licking microwaved tunafish off of Yancey Thigpen‘s monobrow. I’m hactually sirprized the NFL decided to let the Cards and the 49ers play any of their games in the US this year. They both should have been left in Mexico with Ron, even if the ‘fans’ have no clue what’s going on, they’d at least have some sort of support. The Rams, who really should be the Cardinals, are a mess, so the division is the Seacocks’ to lose. And if I still had my virginity, I wish it could be lost on any of the Sea Gals!

Seeds:
#1 Seahawks
#2 Bears
#3 Panthers
#4 Cowboys
#5 Redskins
#6 Giants

NFC Champs: Seahawks

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Edgerrin James, Terry Glenn, Chris Cooley, Neil Rackers, Jason Witten, the Seahawks D, Roddy White, Joe Horn, and of all people Keyshawn Johnson

Me hates: anyone on Detroit, the Redskins’ O, Kurt Warner, Vick, any RBBC (Running Back By Comittee) situtation, the Bears’ and the Bucs’ WRs, LJ Smith, and Mike Vanderjagt

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Mike Nugent, Greg Jennings, Joe Klopfenstein, Brad Johnson, Samkon Gado & Marion Barber (both Green and Jones will go down), the Vikings’ D, and Woody Allen’s Sleeper

pee es – since Kornheiser writes for the Post about once every 13 leap years, the funniest person on staff has gots to be Dan Steinberg (of ‘Starting Lineup‘ fame). Well, dude’s gotsa blog now, and tits gonna be mad hotttttt, so best to keep an eye and a thigh on that shaz!

who knew that the Shelden Williams’ nerve tonic addiction not only inflated his head, but his hands? [NBA/Blurer]

Lucas on Indy 4: ‘We’re basically going to do ‘The Phantom Menace.‘ Hide the woman and children and droids!!!

take a leak on these Transformer leaked snaps!! [Pakula Shaker]

Lily Allen, meet North America

Netflix is one of the ten largest users of first-class mail in America. Find out how it all works, with this brief, but in-depth report from a Netflix warehouse located in my MD hometown [Stephen Hacking]

the thumbpossible has become possible? spanks to Laing Sack of Sh&t and his Hawaiian vacation, Mauna Loa’s Milk Chocolate Toffee Macadamias have temporarily replaced Dutch Stroopwafles as my exotic treat that can’t be beat! Will Terrell Owens’s Exotic Popcorn Getcha Popcorn Ready be the next champ of my chompers?

I wonder how the strip steak was at the inaugural World Strip Poker Championship. Maybe they can hold the event next year in the Gaza Strip. Exiting corny jokes…. NOW!

qwik Tribe Called Quest ‘What’ riff: What heights are wuthering without Charlotte Bronte? What is a Gremlins flick without Joe Dante?

America’s Best Colleges 2007. Bovine University, still unranked

unphotochop twosday: The Jack White House [Veeeeeg]

Goldenfiddle’s Daily Double Genius Species: A Man Should Look Out After His Family AND Tagged

the only people who don’t think that the name ‘Redskins’ isn’t racist? Redskins fans, and gawd bless em. But if a compromise had to be made, I says call em juss the Skins, as in red potato skins, and ditch the proud Injun on the helmet and replace it with the spear, or at least this picture of Shitney Spears from the Teen Choice Awards

peace the fork out Joe ‘Guns n’ Rosenthal, who may have taken the single mos iconic photo of balls thyme. And a belated p.t.f.o. to Esther L. Snyder, who co-founded In-N-Out Burger, and in turn, the stoopidest thing I’ve ever heard of: a secret menu

[AS220]
Scottish actors are no longer permitted to smoke on stage or on a film set. Wales (the next Hollywood) may follow suit. Luckily Beetlejuice‘s Juno never lived to see this day. By the gay, czech out how fly Juno (Sylvia Sidney) was as a young(er) actress

South of the Border Simpsons… AYE CARUMBA! [Monkey Boy]

Poll: Jews want to date Portman, Ali G

Poll: Jews have predictable taste, hate bacon, but secretly love it

I cunt bee leave Ahmadinejad gave You, Me, and Dupree such a glowing review!

Are cats tails an involuntary or voluntary movement?

don’t bother clickin, cause u can get the answer from yer mom who’s carpet I juss got dunn shaving: How Kissing Works [Mod Squad]

the least scariest game based on one of the more scarier movies: The Freddy Game

Are two heads better than getting head?

NYC, Lego stizz [Data Who Dat?]

Portraits of Current World Leaders

the largest s’more ever [Super Thighs Me]

Onion Booty [kinda NSFW]

Man Not Found, Dog

and if there were ever a time to pant over panties…

CAK? Thinks I’m tawlkin dirty? You guessed wrong you dirty slut ho-slut! CAK is simply the abbrv for the Canton-Akron Airport. Getting (to) CAK aint so simple. On Friday, due to something the airline people like to call ‘weather’, my flight was cancelled. The next flight out they assigned me and my IU peeps to was already delayed. With outervisions of hanging out for hours on end at LaBrokeia, or even having to come back the next AM, we all made the call to rent a huge mini-van and Griswold it out into the great unknown of Northbestern Ohio. 300 thIghpod tunes, 11 Cracker Barrel sides, 8 peg games, and 9+ (mostly) 100mph route 80 Pencil-Vain-E-Ya’in warp speed hours later, wees were gettin Whackron in Akron for B&B’s Hebraic nuptials. If you ever want to prove to yo friends how much you truly care, I recommend driving like there’s no tomorrow and dance, as if no one’s watching for no reason other than reason is treason [d]. But another more important bit o’ advice: if yer pals are getting married in some random arsed place that you may never visit again, take advantage of the local to-doings. In this case, as promised, the destination was the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which as of next week, will house the busts of Troy Aikman, Harry Carson, John Madden, Warren Moon, Reggie White, and Rayfield Wright. Here are some pics. There woulda been more, but my battery ran out/there really weren’t many snap worthy items, besides when I took a dump on the Cowboys, Giants, and Eagles sections.

I kept my feet on the ground
and kept reaching for the stars

and kept reaching for my grundle
cause it effin itched!

rumor has it

that Logan’s Run
& every other 70s sci-fi movie was filmed here

They have more heads and busts

than head I’ve received and busts I’ve nutted on

I haven’t been this happy

since I had that testicular enlargement procedure

Y.A. TITtle is the closest

one gets to seeing any nudity at the HOF

Red Grange’s wax figure

totally waxes off to Kim Cattrall in Mannequin

early foo-ball unies

should not be confused with bounty hunters
Zuckuss or 4-Lom
who are sometimes confused for each other

Being the world’s #1 Redskin and NFL fan, I was more jazzed than Louis Armstrong jazzing into his trumpet and blowing it all over his wife to see this HOF, but in all honesty, it’s probably one the weakest HOFs I’ve been to. I mean, yer not gonna win many visitors if you don’t dedicate a whole wing to the Ickey Shuffle! Here’s where the Football HOF ranks (art) amongst the other HOFs I’ve HOFed:

1) National Video Game and Coin-op Museum, St Louis, MO (sadly deceased, but I’ll never forget playing Atari’s Fire Truck for the last time in me life)

2) National Baseball Hall of Fame, Cooperstown, NY (too young to remember, but I think I forced my parents to buy me overpriced baseball cards, which are probably now more worthless than a Middle East cease-fire)

3) Basketball Hall of Fame, Springfield, MASS (shooting baskets is fun for all, but the real bestness was the all you can play arcading of Double Dribble)

4) International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame, St Louis, MO, (I, like Homer Simpson, posed next the bowling pin shaped car)

5) Pro Football Hall of Fame, Canton, OH (hey, at least there was a Steak ‘n Shake nearby!)

6) Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Cleveport, OH (it’s juss like the Hard Rock Cafe, cept no shitty hamburgers)

and now for some HOFs I’d like to HOFerize
(even if an actual building doesn’t eggsist)

Pinball Hall of Fame
The Republican Wife-Cheating Hall of Fame
Hockey Hall of Fame
Finnish Hockey Hall of Fame
RV/MH Hall of Fame
International Frisbee Hall of Fame
National Toy Hall of Fame
Microprocessor Hall of Fame
Highbanks Hall of Fame National Midget Auto Racing Museum
National Inventors Hall of Fame
World Kite Museum & Hall of Fame
The Trapshooting Hall of Fame and Museum
The Cajun Music Hall of Fame and Museum
Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame
The Manitoba Basketball Hall of Fame
The Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame
World Chess Hall of Fame
TV Single Dads Hall of Fame
International Circu
s Hall of Fame
International Clown Hall of Fame
Robot Hall of Fame
Museum of Polo and Hall of Fame
The Cockroach Hall of Fame
National Woman’s Hall of Fame
Ukulele Hall of Fame Museum
Mascot Hall of Fame
The International Towing & Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum
AVN Hall of Fame
The National Cleveland-Style Polka Hall of Fame