Thighs Wide Shut

Tyson
Uppercuts & Downercuts
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Mike Tyson documentary that doesn’t bother to mention his 8-bit/5th-best NES classic Punch-Out!! (or Michael Scott’s prank phone calls for that splatter) is an automatic failure. James Toback‘s Tyson doesn’t go there, but if we can get over that faulty fact, then you’ll probably be able to too, cause this profile straight from the horse’s mouth of the Last Lord of The Ring is the funniestest and moist touchingestest movie we’ve seen since Gran Torino. What can we say, we love a man of words, even if their racist (Eastwood’s Asian barbs are still boning are funny) or malapropped 8 days a week (Tyson twice made playful use of the word ‘skulduggery‘… btw, bestest Tyson quote of balls thyme: ‘I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian‘). If yer looking for an in-depth look back at his life and career, you may want to look elsewhere, cause this doc aint about depth of facts, but of feelings, and you’ll be feeling his pain, from the punches in the ring, to the ones that came from outside of it. Regardless of what you think of him going in, you’ll feel sympathy for this devil coming out, and maybe, juss maybe, you’ll let him eat your children

They Got Game: play Nintendo/Tyson’s Punch-Out on-line + Sega’s James ‘Buster’ Douglas Knockout Boxing (which sold about as many copies as minutes of fame he had) too!!

Verdictgo: sure, it runs a lil long, even at 90 minutes, but this shiz is totes pelling-com, so low end Breast In Show, but Breast In Show lessthenone

The Informers
Walking On Empty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Bret Easton Ellis is ell a gifted and talented writer. The movies made from his books haven’t been so gifted, even if they’ve been loaded with talented people (we don’t care what you say, American Psycho the movie SUCKED when compared to American Psycho the book, which has gotz to be one of the greatestest American novels ever written, so eat it Faulkner!). His loosely connected short storied Informers (another book we hactually read) unfortunately continues this trend, leaving the likes of Billy Bob Thornton, Mickey Rourke, Winona Ryder, Lou Taylor Pucci, Rhys Ifans, hot newcomer Jon Foster, and the ageless Chris Isaak, with not much to do, cept sit around and look beautiful and bored, as their shallow and vapid characters are unseamlessly being tied together. You’ll probably be more bored than they are (although we weren’t bored by perky cutie Cameron Goodman). We knew it wasn’t working as we were watching it, yet it did kinda sorta stick with us after we left the theater (doesn’t 12 minutes afterwards count for something). You can skip it (along with its poster, which has gots to be worstest poster of the year), and instead watch the hammazin unrated trailer again and again, and pretend, like us, that the movie rocks the cashbar. It’s really sad that Brad Renfro‘s final performance ever will best be known as that movie where Amber Heard’s NSFW scenes are better seen than anything else seen or heard from within

Keeping You Well Informed: never 5get the best/wurstness that is Snow’s ‘Informer’ [d|vid] + the Jim Carrey parody, which isn’t as thighlarious

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tyson & The Informers are both currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Franz Ferdinand
Roseland Ballroom
May 7th

The list was set, and the Glaswegian quartet set it off, more so than Queen Latifah could ever do, but about the same as when we saw em the first time, and a couple o times after that first time, although they say there’s nothing quite like the first time, cept we’d have to say, there’s nothing like the holidays, yet we haven’t seen that film which chronicles the downs and ups of the Rodriguez clan. Even though their new album Tonight is a lil hum-ho and a tad yesterdayish (is that Joy Division we hear?), nothing can stop The Archdukes from raising the roof (new standout trax ‘No You Girls’ and ‘Twilight Omens’ certainly stood out), well besides a bunch of Amish folk who are raising barns and hell!

Rudo y Cursi
Can They Kick It? Yes They Can
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Gael García Bernal & Diego Luna reunite on the big screen (spanks gawd, but what took so long?), directed once again by a Cuarón (this time it’s Alfonso‘s brother Carlos calling the shots), but don’t be eggspecting no Y Tu Mamá También II, so keep yer pants on ladies (and sum of you guys too!). Our moist be-amored Mexican amigos embark on yet another misadventure of maturation, but instead of picturesque beachy road trips involving sexploration of older women, as well as each other, they’re looking to score big in a whole different way – on the pitch (that’s a soccer field for you golfers out there) of the urban landscape nightmare that is Mexico City. Luna is the hot-tempered Rudo (Spanish for ‘rude’), the older, more grounded brother to Bernal’s wild Cursi (sorta Spanish for ‘corny’). They’re mother loving (not in that way you sick f%ck) country bumpkins who pick bananas all week, and play fútbol at the week’s end. One day a crafty talent scout (Guillermo Francella, with ojos of the devil) happens upon one of their games. He’s impressed by their skills, Rudo’s goalkeeping and Cursi’s goalmaking, but only has room to offer one of them a chance at the big time. Eventually the scout, and now their manager, gets them both placed with different teams and we’re off to the races. Along the way, we see them both falling into traps of temptation, no thanks to their new found fame and fortune, Cursi falls for a flighty muy bonita TV star (see below) and attempts to launch an ill-advised side career as a country singer, while Rudo’s gambling addiction gets way outta hand, and it all comes to a head(er) with an obvious match-up between the two brothers’ squads. Rudo y Cursi may feel like a bit of a letdown when compared to the other Berna-Luna Y flick, but standing on its own two feet, it’s a muy divertido eggscuse to watch the genial leads do there thing together again. Hell, we’d watch the two of them do anything for 100 minutes, although we, like mos people probably would, prefer that they were doing each. ¡Olé! ¡Cause we are so gay for them!

No Yes Mas: as in Jessica Mas

mas Mas

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Adoration
Where The Lies Truth
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Oh the tangled webs writer/director Atom Egoyan weaves, where past tragedies are dug up, so that the truth can finally be told, and maybe all parties involved can sorta mostly live happily sweet hereafter! Egoyan has taken us down this bumpy flashback path before, and with Adoration, the path is even more askew than everrrr. The unresolved issue we’re trying to resolve here revolves around the car accidental deaths of young Simon(somber Devon Bostick)’s parents (blank Rachel Blanchard, of FOTC/Sally fame & Mr Hyde and seeker Noam Jenkins). His grandfather (the always creepy Kenneth Welsh) paints a poor portrait of Simon’s father (and his son-in-law) and holds him responsible for the death of his beloved daughter, while his uncle and now guardian (gruffle puff Scott Speedman, shining much brighter than the rest of the cast), sheds different light on the event, leaving Simon not knowing what to believe. Simon’s thoughts are further complicated when his French teacher (prodding Arsinée Khanjian) stirs up other emotions, and much trouble, when a hot button writing assignment goes viral over the interwebs. The teacher presented the class with a story torn from the headlines about a terrorist sending his pregnant wife on a plane with a bomb. Simon imagines himself as the unborn baby, and the husband/wife as his own parents. His piece is taken as truth and the world wide web reacts with mixed (media) emotions (including Maury Chaykin yelling… is he ever not yelling?). As the discussion heats up online, Simon goes offline to to bring this baby to some sorta resolution, and gain some sorta peace in the process. It’s all one giant dr mindbender, but if you stick with it, you’ll be rewarded with another wondrous trip into Egoyan’s twisted, in many senses if the word, world

Pails In Comparison: Atom is the bomb, and so is the mos flamous Garbage Pail Kid mt EVERest. mo GPK shiz here

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Rudo y Adoration open today in NY/LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Pinder to star in Wolverine spin-off called Xs & Hos

official news that took our breath away:
both of Top Gun’s lead actors are gay!

Bonnie Wright’s 18th Bday pics make it legal for us to love her, or so our lawyers tell us

Disney, the forefathers of recycling [Dr Falada]

New York City : 1961 vs. 2009

Conchords the video game. still waiting for the flamethrower

fake Malin Akerman by the poolside [NSFW]

Mel Kiper, Todd McShay trade hair in draft day shocker

Mike Tyson vs Little Mac, round 2

pharoahe monch + ben lyons, nyc, 2002

Playboy brunettes, thru the yearsz [NSFW]

Kill The Old Man From The Legend of Zelda

an oldie but still a moldie goodie: The Shining trailer recut

and then

ZARDOZZZZZZZZZZ!

and

these NHL playas/entertainers switched @ birth thingies are off the meat hook and rack, especially this Andrei Markov/Rowan Atkinson one

all dough this one featuring a picture of Sean Bean looking like a lion is purty notch top!

Peabs‘ ye olde neighbor, White Stripes’ drummer Megan Martha White, will soon be breaking our hearts and our farts by marrying off her gynormus Joe E Tatas and NSFauxW sex tapes to Patti Smith’s son Jackson. this is total sh%tbull as her boobs were betrothed to us by Pope Eggs Benedict Arnold the MIXLIX (aka John Ratzenberger)‘s decree [Ms Mod’s Bod]

perv-ious disapproval of an engagement:
Christina Hendricks to a guy who looks like he smells like farts

Nut Meg:
Meg is a robot
& Californication‘s Madeleine Martin is Meg’s fUnderstudy