Thighs Wide Shut

Eleven Minutes
77 Minutes Less Than 88 Minutes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We didn’t start watching Project Runway until Season 3(/were forced to by our then ThighMistress), and we haven’t stopped watching the compelling catfighting competition drooling over Heidi Klum sitting in a director’s chair with note cards in hand ever since. While we were hoping that our first post-Runway big screen romp would involve Kenley ‘Spears‘ Collins in a shot-by-shot remake of these three NSFW scenes from The Notorious Bettie Page, we were still pleased to delve into first season’s winner Jay Carroll‘s life, after his fifteen minutes faded away quicker than Ilan Mitchell-Smith‘s career. If yer a follower of the show, it’s a bro nainer for you to czech out this taking it from behind the scenes look at Carroll’s struggle to mount his first independent runway show and get his threads on a clothing store’s racks (hey, nice racks!). What you’ll see is nothing shocking, but it’s nothing schlocky either, and if you feel like you juss haven’t had enuff of The Hills/The City/The Peeps’ Revolution‘s resident ball star, Kelly Cutrone, here’s yer chance to have enuff. Runway novices may want to proceed without lust, but with caution

Lets Be Real(ity) For A Second: before Reality shows invaded our grill spaces (and ruined television), the only thing remotely real on the hairwaves were talk shows, and the one man who’s been the realist of the real, hispecially for our Clear Pepsi generation, is and was and will always be Conan O’Brien (with some early help from Andy). Tonight Conan closes up shoppee in NY, and like Fievel before him, he’s headed west for a bigger piece of the cheese. We wish him well in the year 2000 and 8 on his new Left Coast journey, and spank him for all the memories, herspecially this one and anything having to do with your Finland trip

Verdictgo: for all the Runway swayers, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eleven Minutes opens in select theaters today, and apparently online on here! Gay Television On Demand

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Friday the 13th
Who Could Axe For More? Everyone!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jason Voorhees is back and he’s badder than ever just about the same/lame as you remember him! Producer Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel (not to be confused with Nipsey Russell) have reteamed to remake/not improve upon another horror classic, like they pointlessly did with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (although we still stand by the claim that the TCM prequel was > than the Star Wars prequels). This is the 11th Friday the 13th movie (or 12th, if you count Freddy vs Jason) and you know they aint gonna stop making these until you stop paying to see em, or at least until they hit #13. Called a ‘reboot’ (still officially one of the wurstest/most annoying terms used in print, since at least 2006), this new and not at all scary FT13 is about as necessary as owning a They Are Who We Thought They Wereâ„¢ hat (come to think of it, owning that hat is kinda necessary). At least the moviemakers (we wouldn’t dare call them ‘filmmakers’) had the common indecency to include some solid T&A and have their refarted characters (including this dude who totally wishes he was Matt McCoughney circa Dazed & Confused and Aaron Yoo, who is also known as annoying Asian guy, but is not as annoying as this annoying Asian guy) spew dialog that was kinda sorta high-lariously written, such as ‘Your tits are stupendous!‘. Next up for Bay (and Nipsey Nispel) is a repooping of A Nigthmare on Elm Street, followed by a repoop of The Birds with Naomi Watts. What’s with all the repoops Bay? If you love these classics so much and want to introduce them to a whole new generation of moviegoers why don’t you juss re-release the originals in theaters (juss like the successful run of The Exorcist in 2000) instead of repooping all over them? Repoop!

Damsels In Dis-Dress:

gawd bless the bodies of work of Julianna Guill, Danielle Panabaker & Willa Ford… although cutie-pie mcgee/young Jeanne Tripplehorn look-alike Panabaker sadly keeps her clothes on the entire time

Verdictgo: with all this repoop talk, you’d think that this would be a no doubt repoopulous affair, but it’s not entirely unwatchable, so Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Push
It Comes To Shove
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Push looks 100% awesome, but makes -348386 sense and is about .001% entertaining. It’s kinda like Heroes or X-Men, where everyone and yer nana has a special power and everyone else is out to get them, yet it’s more confusing and doesn’t star Greg Grunberg or is directed by Brett Ratner. It hactually stars a sorta growns up Dakota Fanning (who draws the future like that drawer of the future from Heroes) and that dude from Amistad and that guy who’s the flaming gay brother of Jessica Alba and Camilla belle’s eyebrows, which are so hot, but for most of the movie they make her too sweaty and beat-up looking, which totally is not her steez, but later on in the movie she cleans up and looks like good old Camilla Belle and she’s the bestest belle since Albert Belle was on the O’s, justin case you plumb forgot. We can’t remember what the premise of the movie was or what anyone’s powers were (besides the power of Asians screaming) or why any of it mattered, but wethinks it inolved some sorta ongoing battle between the Movers, Pushers, Wacthers, Bleeders, Sniffs, Shifters, Wipers, Shadows and Stitchers (thanks Wikipedia!). Wonder if the Movers are also Shakers and if any Quakers are also Shakers and if any of them live in Shaker Heights, Ohio? Are you as lost as Hurley? So are we, so we’ll stop now and forever hold our peace pipe about a movie so hard to watch that it makes the new Friday The 13th look like the old Friday The 13th

We Wanna Be Her Pusher: meat 李小璐 aka Li Xiao Lu aka Jacqueline Li aka Lu Lu aka our future wife

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Friday and Push are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Parker Lewis Can’t Lose is finally coming to DVD this June! If Michael Scott had anything to do with this conflict resolution, it would be seen as a Lose-win-win

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Corin Nemec was once a rapper, and is now a Scientologist

Kubiac’s the voice of Darth Vader on Robot Chicken

Maia Brewton‘s everyone mos flavorite lil sister (including Adventures In Babysitting) and is also Wonder Years fappable

crappy VCR eps up on YouTube

Two Lovers
The Rapper’s Pre-Delight
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Joaquin Phoenix‘ got problems, and we’re not even talkin about the muy malo ones in his new not-so-hip-hop life, like falling off stages and I’m Not There talk show appearances (Baldwin!). In what may be his final screen performance (which means it probably won’t be his final screen performance), Phoenix’ got onscreen problems, like having the horrible dilemma of choosing between Gwyneth Paltrow (showing some NSFWness that only baby Apple gets to see) and Vinessa Shaw (a fine Eyes Wide Shut actress that Hollywood has basically ignored). His Jewish parents (mum’s played by the not so Jewish Isabella Rossellini), with whom he lives with and works for, are pushing him towards family friend Shaw, but his heart keeps pulsing for the blond goy (and which Jew’s heart wouldn’t?). Mos men enjoy the chase/challenge of bagging an out of their league honey, instead of being chased and going for the easy lay, and Phoenix’ lovable loser character (think a more attractive Marty) is apparently like most men, and his choices may ultimately lead him to heartbreak hotel. While the title might suggest plenty of physical lust and caution, Two Lovers is more of an emotional mental affair, and that’s actually OK cause the film doesn’t require it (although we’re not complaining about Gwny’s boob flash). This film re-teams Phoenix with director James Gray for a third time (the other two being the gritty ditties We Own the Night and The Yards) with a role that completely suits his reserved and awkward demeanor (also correctly put on display in Parenthood, To Die For and Quills… we woulda included The Village, but playing The Village‘s idiot didn’t involve much acting). For way too long Phoenix has been miscast in parts that were bigger than his britches and his range (we weren’t buying him at all as Johnny Cash). So now that he’s hit a walk-off home run on his way to retirement (and hobo beardsville), it’s our hearts that are broken. Maybe we’ve taken him for granted and granite, and now it’s our turn to chase him

Moby Peaches: the only musician who gets less credit than Phoenix has gots to be Moby. Years after the release of his brilliant Play all the newbie fans seemed to hit the stop button. Tis a shame cause baldy’s been bustin out killah tunes in the ensuing years. His song ‘I Love To Move In Here’ [d], from last year’s overlooked Last Night (in retrospect, it should been near the top of our bestest of ‘008 list), is featured in a sultry, dick-teasing dance scene. Listen up, and get down!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Under The Sea 3-D
Sea’s Candy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jim Carrey‘s voice guides us on a 40 minute 3-D IMAX adventure down under the sea down under. There aint nuttin particularly special about these 20,000 leagues here that you haven’t seen on Planet Earth or the 88 other IMAX movies that took a dive, but watching ugly camouflage fish make beautiful looking fishes their dinner again and again in 3-D isn’t the worst way to spend your hard earned dollars. As the clock winds down we wondered if there was a point to this film, other than putting smiles on the faces of kids and stoners, and there is! Carrey explains in a few sentences that if we don’t take care of our planet some of these beautiful and ugly creatures will disappear forever. Tell us something we don’t already know. Actually, don’t and juss show us more clips of ugly fishes getting their grub on!

Dimension Films: 3-D is all the rage, but 4-D looks outrageyier! we mean, where else are you gonna see Elmo poop Skittles above yer head?

Verdictgo: for the kiddies/stoners Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Two Lovers and Under The Sea 3D open in limited theaters today

and until next thyme the balcony i
s clothed…

The International
House of Edible Plaincakes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Ever wonder what a James Bond movie woulda been like had Clive Owen inherited 007’s License to print money over Daniel Craig? The International, with it’s duller than dullhouse cookies title, doesn’t necessarily fulfill that ‘what if‘ scenario, hispecially since it isn’t an over-bloated actioner, with fast cars and easy women and easy cars and fast women (sadly that means there aints no Naomi Watts NSFW fun to be found, or really a reason for her to be in this movie other than to sport them sexy buckteeth of hers… speaking of those teef, we kinda want to see a movie where all she does is eat carrots for 5 hours), but it’s about a good looking good bloke in a good suit caught up in a ploppy plot filled with evil European dudes working for evil European corporations making evil European transactions that will make them evil European richer… which sounds eggszactly like the inept and crapluster Quantum of Solace. That’s hactually a compliment for The International cause no one’s expecting anything from a movie that may actually be the same movie as Owen’s Duplicity (which also stars this guy), and everyone was expecting the world from Quantum, but apparently the world is not enuff (although we expect more from the director of Run Lola Run)!! Can you even name a single memorable scene from Quantum, without naming a scene from Quantum Leap? The answer is ‘you can’t’. ‘You cunt’ is also an acceptable answer, but only if you have a British accent. Wells, The International has one memorable scene, a giant shoot out in the Guggenheim (bestest building mt everest? perchaps, although they hammazingly created an exact replica of it instead of filming at the real deal), and it’s so rawkin and raucous and filled with endless Uzi gun spray (is there any better kind of gun spray?) that it not only makes up for the none-sense that comes before and after it, but makes it more worth a peepers than any of Quantum‘s jeepers. Shame on you Bond film peoples! And why the fred funk have you never cast scary German (East Prussian to be exact) guy Armin Mueller-Stahl as a Bond villain? He’s so scary and German that he makes the other scary German guy look as cuddly as a Blago Cabbage Patch Kid

Office Face: remember Neil from the British Office? he’s actually a solid actor named Patrick Baladi and he keeps popping up in movies (this one and also in Last Chance Harvey) and we love him so much that we may have to buy a Sergio Georgini knock-off of his Armani leather jacket

Verdictgo: for the Gugg Uzi spray fest alone, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gomorrah
(Gomorra)
Houses of Sodom
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Don’t know if you’ve been over-enveloped by the hype surrounding this film, but don’t believe every grandstanding statement you’ve heard or read or hread. Gomorrah is not the 19th coming of City of God (or Goodfellas). It’s not even the Italian City of God, but perhaps it’s the Italian Village of a Lesser God. Huh? Wuh? Wuhuh? You probably have no idea what we’re talking about or what Gomorrah is or why the word Sodom is missing or how much sodium a body needs or why Gomorrah in Italian doesn’t have an ‘h’ at the end or how it’s related to the Camorra in Naples, which has nothing to do with nipples. NIPPLES! Gomorrah is a movie based on a book of the same name about the Camorra (there’s that word again!), which is a mafiaso type mafia type mafia who organize crime and make money and kill people and make more money and kill more people. The movie follows 6 characters (a money middleman, a neighborhood kid who joins a gang, a guy who works in toxic waste, an expert tailor, and two wanksters who wish they were Tony Montana) and how their lives are shaped by the Camorra’s comings and goings and doings and shootings. Each storyline will keep your eyes glued to the screen throughout, yet as the movie winds down, you expect these pieces to line-up neatly together into one nice lil package, but then it doesn’t. The individual fragments remain juss that, and this piecemeal approach leaves us hungry for more than juss desserts. Nonethebreast, it’s always a pleasure to be let into a corner of the world that’s rarely seen, even if it’s not a nice place to visit or a worse place to get robbed

Tre Sei Mafia: give peepage to Excellent Cadavers (In Un Altro Paese), a hot doc on taking down the Sicilian mafia. if you speak Italian, you can wa
tch the entire thing here

Verdictgo: these fragments are waaaaaaaay better than The Tracey Fragments, so wees has to says Jeepers Worth A Peepers

International opens thighs wide, while Gomorrah hits up limited theaters today. more reviews to be posted today, so stay pooned!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…