Thighs Wide Shut

Cop Out
Chasing Lame-y
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

Anyone who was involved in the making of Cop Out should not only be embarrassed, but they should personally surrender their paycheck to any audience member who makes the giant mistake of seeing this ‘throwback’ of an 80s buddy cop flick. It’s more of a throw-up than a throwback and all prints of this movie should be burned and have their ashes scattered in the Chernobyl reactor so no one would dare to try and retrieve them. We kinda wonder how Cop Out woulda turned out had it moved forward with its original name, A Couple of Dicks, and original duo, Robin Williams and James Gandolfini! But wonder(ing) is for crappy white bread, so what we’re forced to deal with is Kevin Smith‘s directed take on Robb and Mark Cullen‘s script, although we do wonder how much more awfuler it might have been had Kevin Smith written the script himself

How did this fail more than fail itself? Yes, Kevin Smith’s name doesn’t scream comedy gold or anything remotely good, but pairing Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan does, and yet the end result is Willis looking like a dumbfounded babysitter, as Morgan unbelievably has more screen chemistry with Seann William Scott than he did with Willis. And how could this script ever be considered a 2008 Black Listee, since it seems like there’s a ton of good reasons why it was never produced back then. The plot is this: Willis is suspended w/o pay for a month, which sucks since he has need duckets for his daughter’s wedding, so he decides to sell his Andy Pafko Topps #1 card (a card that hactually has more meaning to us and My Man Markvus, since we used to write Beckett Baseball Card Monthly monthly, during our middle school daze, pleading with them to raise the value of that card since it was Topps’ very very first one!!), but as the sale is about to go down, it gets STOLEN, and then Willis and Morgan have to jump thru hoops (including the likes of Stifler, Susie Essman, Fred Armisen, Guillermo Díaz, Kevin Pollak and his partner Adam Brody?) to get it back! OH NO!!!!! How will it end????? All we’ll say is that the card gets destroyed, his daughter gets married, and every joke found in between, save for a few of Morgan’s improvisations, falls flatter than your 5th grade crush’s chest (we’re gonna keep using this joke for as long as horrid comedies eggist)

OK, there was one redeeming thang about the whole affair: the return of longtime moth-balled synth composer Harold Faltermeyer (Beverly Hills Cop, Top Gun & The Running Man). And the only reason why he was called in was cause Smith wanted him, which is no real sirprize since Faltermeyer scored Fletch and Smith was to make a third Fletch movie, but that spankfully never happened, which restored our faith in a higher being, and if Cop Out is any indication of his Smith’s ability to handle a funny-actioner, lettuce hope that it cements his non-involvement in any future Fletch endeavors, or anything for that matter that has an IQ over the lowest common denominator. For more on Faltermeyer, prick up yer ears to this solid interview with him

De La Soul To Her Hole : we never reviewed Nacho Libre, so butter late than never when dropping love to Ana de la Reguera

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Cop Out strikes out today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Good Guy
Friday Night Plights of Unfancy
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

Oh, The Good Guy, how you try (not) so hard at being a legitimate movie, and at best, yer a poorly pieced together generic TV pilot that would never get picked up, not even on the CWUPNWB. And Good Guy, despite yer obvious plotting (girl with bad guy, doesn’t realize it, good guy comes along…) + yer no frills acting (Alexis Bledel and Scott Porter), wooden acting (Bryan Greenberg), annoying acting (Anna Chlumsky and Aaron Yoo), and overacting (Andrew McCarthy), you still somehow overcame yer early eye-roll inducing ways and semi-charmed our pants 1/4 the ways down in the end, even more so than Valentine’s Day did. How is that possible Good Guy when yer basically a dud? What’s in yer magic hat of crap first time writer/director Julio DePietro? How’d you get us to pity yer poop and root for yer characters that we’d honestly rather see die in a kiln explosion? Some questions are best left unanswered, juss like some movies are best not ever seen

An Angel On Our Lista: movie’s bad guy gets frisky with Christine Evangelista, and we’d like to do the same. maybe Christine was the only reason we sorta didn’t fully hate this crud??

Verdictgo: Very Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

GG goes good, bad and ugly in NY & Cali only this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Gemma Merna adds Nuts to make our bananas split

Morley Safer takes a look back at Andy Rooney’s career

lil Bobby Tickle will be the only one enjoying Jennifer Ellison’s breasteszz for the next year or so

all of us will be enjoying Christina Hendricks’ ginger spice rack for the foreseeable future

what the world doesn’t need more of: Coppola directors

what the world needs more of: Coppola Pachinko commercials

pictured: the White Plains chapter of the Entourage fan club

The British Invasion’s latest import, The Inbetweeners, has gotten us all bitten and instantly smitten (and how could it not, as it hails from the same channel that birthed flavs Skins & Misfits), and after peepin episode 4 of season 1, we want to put our paws all over this kitten

Emily Atack!

the (b)re(a)st hear [sadly SFW]

+ for no reason: Jedward featuring Vanilla Ice ‘Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)’

From Paris with Love
Chumps-É-lazy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Oh French film industry, what hath become of you? You used to fill our art house screens with precious lil ditties about life and love, straight from the deft Cahiers du cinéma critics turned filmmakers, and their proteges that followed in their footsteps, but now it seems like them notebooks are being written by a bunch of barbarians and neanderthals that keep on invading our multiplexes year after year! Oh the nerve! Oh the gall of Gaul! We blame (yet still love) Luc Besson for all this nutty shoot-em-up nonsense. His still vibrant (Le Femme) Nikita kicked off the madness, Léon: (The Professional) was the heartfelt caketopper (and unforgettable introduction to Natalie Portman), and from there the genre tumbled downhill, with Besson throwing around story ‘ideas’ to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who wanted to replicate his brief critical and commercial success. Now it’s nothing but excess, and there’s no excuse for that, or eggcuses for 19 Transporters, Taxis, Banlieue 13ses and a bunch of other turkeys

Besson’s latest ‘idea’ has been handed off to director Pierre Morel, the dude who he teamed up with for last year’s semi-broke the moldy-mold Taken, but lightening doesn’t strike twice with their From Paris With Love. The crummy by the boo(k)s dialog (no thank you Adi Hasak) certainly doesn’t help to elevate the loosey goosey plotting, and neither does hiring John Travolta as the head-shaved, goatee-ed prick of a CIA agent Charlie Wax (think Colin Farrell’s Bullseye from Daredevil, but not nearly as comically horrific). We suppose he was given that name only so they could drop a ‘wax on, wax off’ joke, which they wrongfully do, and as you can imagine, it falls flatter than the fella who gets steamrolled in Austin Powers. Later that line gets redeemed, with the pseudo-creative reuse of a signature Travolta line that features the French name of a certain McDonalds hamburger. We chuckled aloud, and almos were ashamed for doing so. Even mo shameful, despite all the poo-pooed-edness of this generic flick, including a crummy American accent spoken by the tiny Jonathan Rhys Meyers, we didn’t hate it. We’ll always have Paris, even if this Paris has not much to it

FantKasia : we totally wanna kasia smutniak JRM’s screen honey Kasia NSFW Smutniak!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Still Bill
Withers Blooms
Official Website & Trailer & Mo

You know who Bill Withers be? On name alone, probably not, but yer ears do, as he’s the man behind such beyond classics as ‘Lean On Me’, ‘Aint No Sunshine’ and ‘Just The Two of Us’, juss to name a few mellow grooves he’s gifted us with. Oh yeah, that guy, right? So what is his story and whatever became of him? The sunny and soulful doc Still Bill, by Damani Baker and Alex Vlack, fills in the gaps, from his humble West Virgina upbringing as a shy stuttering kid, to his landing on the music scene and the unwanted superstardom that came along with it, to his eventual complete withdraw from the limelight so he devote more time to his loved one. As a viewer, and fan of his music, we keep asking, why and how could he leave us behind? By the end, he’s starting to ask himself the very same questions. Here’s hoping that the answer leads him back on the road again

Screen But Not Heard: there are numerous screenings of the film all over the map, and if you don’t see one in yer area, you can host yer own!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Paris doesn’t triomphe today at a theater near jews, while Still Bill continues only in NY, or at a screening soon to be near jews (see above). also, we LOVED Fish Tank, and you can too, in the comfort of yer own home, spanks to IFC on-demand!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…