The Master
No Brains, No Service
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

I don’t get it, but it sure looked nice!  Especially those sandcastle boobs!

It didn’t have a point, but Philip Seymour Hoffman did have a mustache that made him look like Mike Holmgren, and he did yell a lot, cause that’s telltale sign that he’s acting all hard and things!!

No really, I have zero minus one idea what the movie was about, but Joaquin Phoenix did tell like 2 fart jokes and kinda acted like he was in a post-WWII version of I’m Still Here (which is a betterer, more thoughtfullerrer movie than The Master is ever be or wants to be.  IS TRUE!)

No seriously, what’s the story with that story?  A helpless drunk gets help from a guy who’s full of himself and has a mustache and screams and his son is Jesse Plemons who sorta looks like him, without a mustache, and without the screaming, and in the end, no matter how much yelling goes-es on, it doesn’t help the helpless guy????  And no milkshakes are drankens??

But man, the movie LOOKED amazing!  Yeah, but ‘look’ and ‘being’ are two different stuffs.  Nice try PT Borenum!!  But you didn’t fool us with your foolish tim-foolery!

Yeah, but there were at least three AMAZINGS scenes.  One involved questions and not closing eyes and then closing eyes with more questions.  Another involved the awesomes Christopher Evan Welch questioning methods which is followed by yellings.  The other other was when all of the sudden there were lots of naked womens in a room, and we saw old droopy boobies that were hactually kinda sexy. IS TRUTHS!

Jessica Lange Gang: so we all know that Alison Lohman looks like a young Jessica Lange, but who knew that there was a gal who looks like Alison Lohman…

Brigitte Hagerman!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Master bates in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

House at The End of The Street
Dead End On Arrival
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 101 min

There’s a house in this movie, but its actual location on its street is never EVER determined. It could be at the beginning of the street or even in the MIDDLE of the street, but it is never ever noted that the house is actually located at the end of the street.  So why bother naming your movie House at The End of The Street?  Guess Generic Sorta Horror Movie X was juss not catchy enuff.  Having a poorly used title is one thing, but being a poor movie in general is another

OK, so the house did have some murders in it, which we see in the very first scene, but they are about as creepy as the bleeps and the sweeps were in Spaceballs… which means they are not creepy at all.  The presentation of these murders was purty darns silly, and it sets the tone for everything else from there on out – laffable

You will laff at the kid (Max Thieriot) who still lives in the house that his parents were murdered in, and who keeps his sister (the murderer?????????????????????????????) locked in the basement, and who doesn’t do such a good job at keeping her locked in the basement, cause she’s always getting out and running in the woods and screaming and stuff.  And you will laff at his budding romance with his new neighbor Jennifer Lawrence, who sings laffable love ballads for zero reason other than to maybe launch a blah singing career to add to her blah acting career.  We wouldn’t dare laff at J-Law’s hot MILF Elisabeth Shue, cause we’re actually crying at her, cause she deserves better than this, like more adventures in babysitting or having MORE liquor being poured on her boobs [NSFW]

Anywho, stuff happens, but so does sh!t, and the twists that come our way are about as shocking as Jeremy Shockey doing something douchey, and when your movie is about as shocking as Jeremy Shockey doing something douchey, it means your movie is pretty f$%king stoopid

Street Treat: we want to eat off Allie MacDonald‘s dollar menu!!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Street has no outlet today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Compliance
Fries & Thighs
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

There was a real thingie going on called strip search prank call scams. That shiz was pretty fcuked up.  Craig Zobel turned one of the scams into a movie, and it’s pretty dangs good, but moist importantly…

it put Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with nothing else on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and it wasn’t suppose to be hot

but it was

cause there was sideboobs in aprons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

comply with Compliance, currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Campaign
On The Trail Mixed Bag
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 85 min

With The Campaign, Jay Roach has now made as many average political movies (Recount + that Sarah Palin one) as he has Austin Powerses (when one AP was enuff).  The rest of his resume consists of 2 up and down/frown Focker flicks, Mystery, Alaska, the mostly lacking Dinner for Schmucks, and something called Zoo Radio.  Lets just say that Mel Brooks isn’t losing any sleep over this oeuvre.  But what are we saying?  We haven’t said anything!  But what we’re gonna say is that Jay Roach makes unmemorable films that contain very memorable laughs.  The Campaign?  Forgettable, but it certainly had its [funny] moments.  Is that enuff?  Sure, why not

Pit Will Ferrell against Zach Galifianakis in a single movie and dare it to be unfunny.  WE DARE YOU!!!!!!  They both play two inept dudes running for some North Carolina congressional seat.  Their ‘heated’ race and ‘nail-bitting’ election are udderly uninteresting, when we guess they could have been, but the hi-jinks Will & Zach toss our way guarantee to make The Campaign a worthwhile staple of cable TV airings in the decade to come.  Is that enuff? Sure, why not

But we expect betterbester of our comedies.  The satire could have been more biting, instead juss being nibbly.  And when you have a campaign staff consisting of such heavies as John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd and Brian Cox, but have them do nothing but fake smile and shake hands, you know that bester is possible.  Dylan McDermott, as a stealthy taskmaster, and Karen Maruyama, as an antebellum sounding maid, boost the approval ratings a bit, but the whole affair is a tight race that’s almost too close to call, if it’s worth your time or not.  Is that enuff? Maybe not, but you could always juss re-watch Election instead

InnHERspace: Katherine LaNasa is out of this orbit hot

so much so that she’s been married to Dennis Hopper AND French Stewart, and now is engaged to Grant Show

Verdictgo: loooooooooooooow end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Campaign swings into a state near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Emma Stone, men want to do her, and women want to be her do her too!!

DUDE, HER SPIDEY KNEES ARE THE FCUKING KNEES BEES KNEES!!!

+ she’s like a real life hottier Daisy Duck!!!

 everybody must get Emma Stoned!!!