Thighs Wide Shut

A Separation
(Jodaeiye Nader az Simin)
I-walk, Do Not Iran To A Theater near you
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

Is Asghar Farhadi‘s A Separation THE single best movie of 2011, as many have made it out to be?  Well, it might juss be the single bestest Iranian movie of 2011 (out of the total of 1 we’ve seen)!  Or perhaps the bestestest movie of 2011 with a guy (Peyman Moadi) that has a peppered beard that mostly & moistly resembles our own beard!  Or perchance the one starring the hottiest/angriest red(dyed)hair wrapped in a scarf lady (Leila Hatami)!  Or perzantze the one with the year’s worst screen employee (played by Sareh Bayat) who’s got the mos adorable daughter (Kimia Hosseini) east of the Nile river!  There’s no question that it’s tops in 2011 movies when it comes to sequences with the mos poignant hitting one’s self in the head with one’s own hands (Shahab Hosseini)!  But movie?  Hardly!  Sure, it’s nice to see that Iran is capable of other things besides possibly being nuclearly armed, but best movie of 2011?????????  Did these people see Tintin???  Well, that’s not our #1 pick, but it’s up there, and you’ll find out next week what 2011’s #1 is be, by our standards, which should be the standard

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Separation has got it together in NY & LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and if you see only one Iranianish movie this month, juss rent Persepolis, cause we know you’ve never seen it, and it’s amazingsss!!

We Need To Talk About Kevin
Birth (Out of) Conrtrol
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

We do need to talk about We Need To Talk About Kevin cause we juss need to talk about it.  First you MUSS MUSS MUSS see this, then we can talk about how Tilda Swinton might be the single greatest half-amphibian-half-human working in movies, and how John C Reilly is the most bestest absent-minded lovable doof working in movies, and how we’d be scared to f$%king death to ever run into Ezra Miller, Jasper Newell or Rock Duer on the street, cause all 3 of them played Kevin at different ages, and all 3 of em make us never want to have kids, let alone touch a bow and arrow ever again

Lynne Ramsay‘s take on Lionel Shriver‘s 2003 novel of the same name is as beautiful as it is frightening, as empty as it is loving, and as unforgettable as Gus van Sant’s Elephant was kinda forgettable, sorta.  What else do we need to talk about?  Bobbed?  What about bobbed?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kevin will get Talked about in NY this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Iron Lady
Fear & Loathing at 10 Downey Streep
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 105 min

What the f$%k is this Phyllida Lloyd (she directed Crappa Mia!) and Abi Morgan (wait, she wrote Shame???) Margaret Thatcher ‘biopic’ all about???  You learn next to zero about the woman and her accomplishments (well, besides that she was a woman who did the impossible by becoming a female Prime Minister and then became a rather bossy lady and then people grew tired of her bossy lady finger waving ways, and then…), and what we do learn is that the retired PM apparently spends her todays in lost delusional thoughts and talks to her deceased husband, who might be crazier than this movie.  If we were Margaret Thatcher and saw this Oliver Stone boneheaded treatment of our past and present, we’d say FALK(land islands) YOU!!!  Seriously, what’s the f$%k did we juss watch?  This is a big ole BM about the first lady PM

Crying fracking shame, cause Meryl Streep hands in another one of them beyond magnificent performances that muss be seen to be beloved (and is miles away butterer than anything these ladies done tried), and it’s udderly wasted (along with the supporting work of Jim Broadbent, Olivia Colman, and Alexandra Roach, who’s equally as brilliant as Streep is, playing the younger Margaret) amongst a mess of ideas and conjecture and canted angles.  Sure, give America’s iron(weed) lady an Oscar, and another to the hair and makeup department (AMMMMAZING!!!!), and throw the rest in the rubbish bin, or the looney bin, where the filmmakers apparently believe Mrs Thatcher belongs, but it’s where them filmmakers belong.  We don’t know how to make movies, but had we made this one, we woulda taken a much more straight-forward approach, like those solid Michael Sheen as Tony Blair thingies, cause learning about someone is usually more interesting than making up crap and displaying it in a ‘creative’ way

moral of the story – The movie feels like Nixon + Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas + Harvey MINUS everything good about any of those movies.  there you go, or don’t. NO NO NO!  They should have never made that Julia Childs movie and this one, and instead juss made a movie where Streep does imitations for 9 hours

Spitting Image Headache: oh yeah, The Iron Lady also feels like watching that eyesore Genesis video for ‘Land of Confusion’ with those f$%king scary-a$$ Spitting Image puppets

Verdictgo: Streep saves from total eye slitting, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

this Lady is Iron clud in NY/LA only, and elsewhere elsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

We Bought A Zoo
THEY DID IT!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 124 min

The above gif says a thousand speechless words of what We Bought A Zoo was all about. Interpret it however you like

Verdictgo: a super fromagey Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Zoo is currently Bought and sold at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sherlock Holmes:
A Game of Shadows
The Final Problem
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 129 min

Don’t know how we thought the first one was passable, cause it spectretro, it was poo-diddly-poo. You take one look at brilliant modern day Cumberpatched Sherlock and juss know that Guy Ritchie doesn’t deserve to do a thang with Arthur Conan Doyle’s foils & foibles!!!  Well, like it or not, he and Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law are back in a new misadventure and it’s somehow all passable again.  CRAP!  This crap should be crap, so how is it watchable, again?  Jared Harris as Professor James Moriarty is a very very nice touch, and including Noomi Rapace and Stephen Fry in on the fun kinda adds to the fun, even if their characters are kinda marginalized.  And?  Well, they killed off Rachel McAdams’ character, which also added to the fun, cause her character was les würst.  But isn’t any movie that includes a chess scene between two rivals juss one giant sh$t show?  It is, but one that’s covered in fun.  CRAP!

Verdictgo: very low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sherkock is currently playing close to wherever you call Holmes 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…