Thighs Wide Shut

The Lobster
Super Hurry Animals
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

In a sorta near future, if you aren’t paired up with a significant other, you will be turned into an animal – of your choice, naturally.  Mustached Colin Farrell was recently dumped by his wife and so he needs to partner up, or animal on out for the rest of his life.  He goes to this seaside hotel run by Olivia Colman (still one of the best actresses no one knows), which helps to pair off people, or turn them into animals.  But the time to do so is limited.  If Colin doesn’t find a mate in 45 days or less, he will became a lobster (hence the film’s title).  His brother is already a dog (ever wonder why there are so many dogs??), and he brings him along on this last ditch human effort.  Others have to go thru the same drill, including some really dour and desperate souls like Ashley Jensen, Ben Whishaw, John C Reilly, and the adorable Jessica Barden

The hotel is an oddball pacifying paradise – like The Village from The Prisoner, with forever overcast skies.  Within its doors, they stage awkward dances and even more awkward demonstrations, trying to get these folks to couple up – and offer plenty of outdoor activities too, including hunting those who have failed and escaped the grounds.  If you hunt and kill one of these escapee loners, you get bonus days to stick around.  If you don’t, the clock continues to tick, and pretty soon your days as a Homo sapien are numbered

And so after awhile, after Colin has tried and tried and tried, and failed (the heartless Angeliki Papoulia provided no help), he decides he doesn’t want to be a lobster, and he flees for the woods, and taken in by loners Léa Seydoux and Rachel Weisz.  But a (un)funny thing happens on the way to being lonely – he falls for Weisz, and she for him, and that’s not suppose to happen, and even more things happen from there, and there you go

For the first 30 or so minutes of Yorgos Lanthimos first English language feature, when we’re in that wonderous hotel, I thought The Lobster was itching its way to being the kinda movie I endless love and never shut up about.  It had happened once before with Lanthimos’ Dogtooth, which is one of the mos fcuked up flicks I’ve seen this century, but as The Lobster claws its way outside of that hotel, something got a little lost in translation, and became a little long in the tooth, but I’ll excuse it, cause The Lobster is unique and imaginative, and often fun, and always keeps you on your toes, and that can’t be said of a lot of movies that come out today.  I give it bonus points for being different, and it doesn’t even really have to try – it juss is different

These lonely love seekers aint no superheroes – they’re super-zeroes, and I’d rather count on them and their sad weirdness, than the good guys saving the cinematic day.  MARVEL OVER THAT, YO!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lobster shacks it up currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Captain America: Civil War
Marvel-ous
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 147 min

OMG, these guys…

and these guys…

are all on the same team – but because Captain America has a hard-on for Sebastian Stan, there gonna be a war son, CIVIL style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

This is what Avengers 2: Age of Voltron should have been!!!  Sorta kinda whatever!!!

Actually, this sequel (which is miles above #1) is basically Avengers 3, but works so much better cause there’s less clutter, and less dumb Thor and bulky Hulk.  Those two dudes caused way too much destruction.  HULK SMASH!! The less destruction the better!! Like slash the Hulk smash!

And this one has Daniel Brühl, and in case you didn’t know - Brühl rühlzzzz!!!!!!  But he’s not a superhero or a superhero villain, but he is a bad guy, but he kinda has a reason to break bad – like our superheroes do in this movie.  Man, so much noir going on here.  Who’s bad?  Who’s good?????  No black and white – juss lots o’gray – 100 SHADES OF IT!!!

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT – the movie is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too long.  Like 9 hours too long.  I enjoyed it all, but man, it’s a haul, a long one – like a long haul!!!! (I ran out to pee 2 times – but that’s cause I drank like a gallon o’soda – and all I missed was the superheroes talking about stuff)

Also, Jeremy Renner‘s Hawkeye is beyond lame.  Cut him and his character out of this Marvel universe

And I don’t care how cool he is, but Paul Bettany‘s Vision creeps me out too much and made me wish I didn’t have vision in my eyes

but it’s OK cause we get to see Ant Man become Gi-Ant Man, and there’s a new Spidey – who’s a no name actor – and actually looks like a teenager – which already seems more right than Tobey or Andrew Garfield minushimself could ever muster as Peter Parkz!!!

But the real bestestest thing???  There are three black dudes in the movie, and they blow away the white dudes and dudettes outta the water.  I’d rather see a movie with juss Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Falcon (Anthony Mackie), and my new mos favorite superhero ever – Blank Panther (the treasure that is Chadwick Boseman) – kicking major a$$ AND gla$$!!!!!!!!!  They should take Hawkeye out back and beat the lame fcuk outta him!!!

Heck, there needs to be a movie (superhero or not) with Boseman, Mackie, Cheadle, Denzel, Will Smith, Michael B Jordan, and Billy Dee Williams called Smooth Operators – where they’re a gang of telephone operators who are SMOOTH AS FCUK!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers (if it was somehow shorter, it woulda been BREAST IN SHOW)

Captain soldiers on at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Keanu
Key and A-Peele-ing
Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

You like Key (Keegan-Michael Key) and Peele (Jordan Peele)?  Kittens?  Comedy?  Keanu Reeves?  Movies slightly over 90 minutes?  If you answer ‘yes’ to all of these questions, you are a human being living on planet earth.  If you answer ‘no’ to any of these questions then YOU BETTER CHECK YO SELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YO SELF!!!

Hello Keanu, the movie where Key and Peele get themselves into a world of trouble trying to save a kitten, by acting a fool, for the benefit of me and you.  It’s like a longform Key & Peele episode, that kinda feels like it forms juss a little too long, but you’ll laugh here and there, AND YOU WILL LAUGH, and enjoy yourself throughout!

And there’s a kitten!  And Will Forte and Method Man, and Tiffany Haddish, who is one to watch, so WATCH OUT!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Keanu reeves it at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Elstree 1976
Wars‘ Little Known Stars
Kickstarter | Trailers & Mo
Unrated | 101 min

Ever wonder what is was like to be in Star Wars, even if the role was smaller than your butthole, and what life after being in Star Wars was like??? Director/writer/editor Jon Spira wisely answered this question and interviewed 10 of these lucky souls (and we’re lucky he documented these peoples stories before these peoples and their experiences passed on in life)

So the question is, do you want to know what it was like to be…

David Prowse – the body, but not the voice of Darth Vader???

or course you do!

–

how bout Paul Blake – HE SHOT SECOND!!!! – as Greedo???

(although they never touch that HOT topic)

–

Jeremy Bulloch is the body of Boba, but can you believe this is the guy under that helmet???

he’s slick & cool in a different way!

–

or that creepy pilot (Angus MacInnes) who crept behind Leia?

duh!  and you’d learn why he kept looking down while piloting an X-wing

and you will NEVER be able to unlearn it and you will never look at his scenes the same!

–

or how about poor Garrick Hagon who had a big role as Biggs Darklighter??

dude got the shaft, but dude is STILL all class

–

or what about the guy (Anthony Forrest) who said ‘these aren’t the droids we’re looking for‘??

did you know he also had another role in the film that was also cut too??  YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T!!!

–

or how about Laurie Goode – who MAY be the stormtrooper who hit his head on the blast door!!!???

these are the stories Harrison, Carrie or Mark CANNOT tell us!

–

what about a rare woman in the cast - Pam Rose???

(although to be honest, I’ve never seen her blink and you missed it part in the Cantina)

–

or what about the dude in the hat who handed out medals!!!???

I mean, doesn’t that dude (Derek Lyons) deserve to tell his story??? (although he kinda comes off sounding a lot like David Brent, which is amazing in its own way)

–

or what about some random extra (John Chapman)??

who has even upset the c-list Star Wars actors as trying to pass himself off as being a Star Wars actor… but he IS a Star Wars actor, even if he was juss an extra!

–

you LOVE Star Wars and these people were IN Star Wars and they have stories about life before, during and after Star Wars, and you need to hear them.  And if you don’t think so, I may have to FORCE this on to be with you

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Eslstree wars its lesser peeps currently in limited release OR you can rent it on Amazon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Streit’s: Matzo and the American Dream
Streit From The Heart
Official Website, Trailers & Mo
Unrated | 100 min

Tradition is tradition – even if tradition has to modernize to adapt to a modern world.  Passover is one of the oldest holidays, and matzah (or matzo for those who spell it that way) has been the food of Passover forever, and for the past century, Streit’s Matzos has been one of the major companies supplying the tasteless holy crackers to practitioners.  While their competitors have been bought up big larger corporations, and they’ve seen increased newer competition from cheaper brands abroad, the STILL family-owned AND run Streit team have been keeping it real, baking in the very same New York City – Lower East Side factory since day one!

But times have changed.  Their customers left the neighborhood years and years ago, and so with it, most of the heavily Jewish businesses that were there to support the community.  And while gentrification has greatly changed the heart and soul of the nabe, nothing could alter the Streit’s way.  Sure, they had outgrown the archaic factory in which they occupied, and the cost of doing actual business meant that they had to charge their customers more than they’d like to, but tradition is tradition – right?

Michael Levine‘s lovely new documentary Streit’s: Matzo and the American Dream over-examines the company’s struggle of staying true to the past, while trying to be realsitic about the present and future.  And while the same argument is made over and over, it didn’t matter much to me having the same paradoxical point hammered home again and again – cause you enjoy meeting and spending time with the family and their factory workers (who are like their extended family) over and over, and going up and down and back and forth thru their the labyrinthine factory, cause this is matzah history – living and breathing!

Take a bite of this doc, even if matzah has no taste, and even if you’re aren’t Jewish – cause you don’t have to be Jewish to love a good American story, about family, and crackers!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Matzo matzgoes here and there in very limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…