The Accent-Dented Tourist

Eastern Promises
Russian Dressing For Success
Trailers & Mo

David Cronenberg looks to have found his muse in the shape and form of Viggo Mortensen. The two first ‘wowed’ audiences together with ’05’s A History of Violence (we found it a bit too overrated), and they’re going to do it again here with Eastern Promises (this time around, I’m on the ‘wowed’ side of thangs). The story, by Dirty Pretty Things scribe Steven Knight, is purty straightforward (nice girl nurse Naomi Watts gets sucked into a Russian mafia underground world and has trouble getting out), but I was able to immerse myself a heck of a lot more here than with Violence. Spankfully, there’s no over the top Pacinoesque performance weighing the film down, like what William Hurt added (actually ‘subtracted’ would be a better word) from Violence‘s final act. Instead, what we are treated to are 3 very diverse actors (American Mortensen, Frenchie Vincent Cassel and the always scary German Armin Mueller-Stahl) making us easily believe that they’re all crooked Russian mobsters takin care of bidness in the side of London you don’t see on a postcard. While I won’t bother peppering this film with redonkeylous ‘masterpiece’ blather, I will say that you’ll find little wrong with this gem of a picture. And that’s a western promise!

IMDb Sweeney: Sinéad Cusack, who plays Watts’ mum, in real life is Jeremy Irons’ bizatch. The two have appeared together in the films Stealing Beauty and Waterland, as well as 2 TV movies and a mini-series

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Not So Smooth Sailing

It has taken director François Girard 9 long years to follow-up on his mos delightful film Red Violin. How fitting a time frame, cause that’s about how long in felt to watch his latest, Silk. Mord oh lighty, there isn’t a cocoon big enuff in this world to save you, me and everyone we know from this gigantor snoozefest. I’d rather watch a 24 part documentary on silk production than sit thru this tale about a French silkworm smuggler, who travels to the untouched by white man lands of Japan, falls in love with a native, returns home, pines for the girl, returns to Japan, returns home, zzzzzzzzzzzz, etc, more zzzzzzzzz, and some more etc. The grade-A(cting) chops of Alfred Molina, a few nude scenes with Keira Knightley and the majestic scenic beauty of Eurasia, all deserve a better movie than this. And can someone please explain to me how Michael Pitt continues to get cast in film after film, and by such grape directors as Bertolucci, van Sant, Shyamalan, Abel Ferrara and Larry Clark? Outside of aping Kurt Cobain and raping Hedwig and his/her music, he has shown about as much talent as the mayor of Talent, Oregon. I think he should be forced to compete on NBC’s America’s Got Talent before he lands another role

I Still JO To You Knightley: for someone with boobs the size mosquito bites, tits still nice to see Keria Knightley show em so often [NSFW]!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit My Snoozing Eyes Out Repoopulous

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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