Thighs Wide Shut

frynally, some news of the utz mos importance…

TOMKAT PREGGERS

LOHAG AND CARS
A MATCH MADE IN HELL-SINKI

SHIA LABEOUF’S NAME
is pronounced
SHY’-uh luh-BUHF

and literally means
‘thank God for beef’
[via KTRE]

• By the gay, Mrs Beef of Whereington, Clara Peller, was not only fired for finding the beef, but JEWISH!!!

• By the gay 2, Boof from Teen Wolf is in no way related to Shia or anyone else of the LaBeouf Tang Clan

• Janet Jackson. NSFW. Non-Super Bowl related. Sorta hactually beatoffable, unlike these sweet talian hams. Click now.

• On Dec 1st, The White Stripes will boldly go where no band has performed before: The Daily Show wit Jon Stewart. Maybe they’ll do something special like wear orange and purple… or talk about their upcoming Michel Gondry directed video featuring Conan O’Best (?)

• Belated but, no more $40 a lay for the former Ms Ray

• Somehow Brett Ratner will fuck this up

• Did you know that Monks Diner in Seinfeld is the same place as Tom’s Diner in Suzanne Vega’s world? [via the Vega]

• The Flash 6-Disc DVD Box Set be coming in early ’06. Don’t all pre-order it at once or the world’s computers may all implode. [via Pakula Shaker]

• Field Day founder/perennial loser, Andrew Dreskin finally succeeded at something… even if that something is really nothing important

• Soccer Wives and Girlfriends [via Double V]

• I swear that I had nothing to do with these Hasselhoff photoshoppings from hell

• Siberian City Raises Concert Costs for Gay Performers… click for the story, but stay for picture

• How does scratch and sniff work?

• What’s up with the “Acme Company”?/Why Wile E. Coyote Will Never Catch The Road Runner

• The Top Ten Classic Arcade Game Songs

• What Is 88mph? + oldie What Is Cosby? [beware the AUDIO]

• Ukulele Disco

• Textbook examples of Moustaches, Chin & Cheek Beards, and good ole Full Beards

• Loved you some alternative Shining trailer? Then you’ll surely love you some zombie West Side Story, and maybe this Titanic one, which would have been a better way to market that POOPfest. Looks like these 3 were all created by the creative folks at PS260

• And while one Charlotte Church got her shoes jacked, another CC got sentenced to the big house for 21 years for likey-ing kiddie porn. What does this have to do with the price of eggs? I dunno, but she kinda looks like Melinda Clarke/Atia in this snap, and I since need me to gets my swerve on with dem following curves on, she hath saved herself from the chopping blocks. The same can’t be said of Annie Boleyn, who had to go cause she had six fingers and like ZERO boobage!

PEACE THE HATE OUT
as Rod Smart Feels the LOVE

2001 – 2005
(a nickanme that lived 4 times longer than the XFL)
[via Guns n’ Rosenthal]
• Michael Moore pens an open letter to our Commander in Chimp, and the results are very… Michael Mooreish [via Zach de la Roachclip/Soul]

• Eric B, NOT dead

• Don’t wanna bother d-loding Charly Church’s uber saucy uber sexy vid for ‘Call My Name’? Then go ahead and stream it.

• “If you don’t want female attention, a moustache is the way to go.“

• Timmy Dalty, recently rated 2nd best Bond by me, also had the 3rd best theme song rockin his crotchin: The Living Daylights by a-ha [d-lode the OG version or the remix]

• Pulp + Radiohead = Weird Sisters

• Harry Potter + Draco Malfoy = Pitcher & Catcher

• Martine McCutcheon loves spooks

• Free screenings nationwide for A Nightmare Before Nuptials and Matthew McConaughey is Al Pacino’s Bitch

• TWS.org, yer #3 result when intersleuthing for snaps of ‘finger anus’

• Roger Ebert’s Chicago Townhouse

• Double Eagles, the Keyser Soze of coins

• Welsh air for sale.

• Speaking of, StrangeNewProducts.com

• Why do outhouse doors have half-moons on them?

• BUSTed, the game

• Clue, The VCR Mystery Game

• Soylent Green Is People [beware the audio]

• Have an effin great labor day tweakend peep-holes. I don’t deserve the time off since I’m not really laboring, but you all should indulge to the fulliest and a take a dip into the Swimming Pool. How luDivine!!!

[via UMC]

Wanta Lohan that’s 89% less Lohaggish, 72.7% more insecure, and 111% now all up on my radar screen? Try Red Eyer and Diaz nanny for a day Jayma Mays on for size.

• Wanta Fanta? [beware o sound]

• While our relationship has been colder than a Siberian Kwanzaa, things have been surely heatin up in the realm of Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd. After she finally bagged that #1 ranking, she decided to grow, but unfortch, not in the mounds category, then she held a t-shirt, told someone the time, touched her shoulder, and andy capped it all off with a graffiti tagging spree. Girl, when you gotta minute, we need to talk. I promise, this time I’ll use my mouth to lash out at you and not with my borscht belt. And will someone tell her that a mic is no replacement for His Royal Shlong. [last via Spencer For Mire]

• The mockingbird has been killed died. Boooooooooooooooooo… radley/urns.

• But Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah radley to the beginning of school libraries’ slow peace the fork outtingsages

• A leather-clad Borat invades Pammy Ander’s dogs’ wedding on a giant inflatable turtle. Where the cork are the pappanazis when we need them most?!! SEE SNAPS HERE!!!

• Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

• The Daily Mirror‘s 3am is my mos flavorite destination for all dat hot jazz filled gossip from across the pond (hispecially in the key of C Church getting mad drunk and people ‘slamming’ her), but who the fork sticks are those three chicks (or birds, but not bitches) that write up this shizz and whose go fug yerself mugs adorn the letterhead? They look like an 8teenth rate group of Sugarbabes wannabees. Well apparently these girls have about as much credentials as Chuck E Cheese’s animatronic band. After a lil intersleuthing, I found out that Ms Callan is the only journalist granted entrance to Elton John’s annual Oscar party, Ms Hedley has about as much character as a character named Caroline Hedley in this book, and Ms Simpsons has less to say than Maggie Simpson. And although they are a greesome threesome, they’re at least 1/3 less duchebagish lookin than NYDN‘s Lllloyd Grove.

• Slipknot are not big fans of BK’s new Chicken Fries. I know how they feel, cause White Castle’s Chicken Rings scare the living daylights outta me.

• Cuthbest’s fiancé finally has something to do beside bang the hottiest things Canadaadda ever gave us

• Fluxie’s got a new tune off of the real FF’s new album

• The Entourage lost scenes, about as clever as… Entourage. Alldough, I will give them credit for employing Superfly Snuka

• Free passes to see That Dude From The State in major cities, and Phil Hoffman Goes Really Gay, Music Blah Blah Black Sheep, Spitting Pea Soup XII, and This Year’s Rushmore for us Jew Yorkers.

• Edward Scissorhands: The Dance Theatre Piece [via P-Bill]

• Take a tour of the Bates Motel

• Man Admits Lying About ‘Wonka’ Role On Résumé [via MoH]

• And spanks (or no thamks) to Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin, cause now I’m gonna have to scrap my artwork idea that I was going to use for my debut album that consists of nothing but Strawberry Alarm Clock covers. Originality may be dead, but corn is forever.

[via Weirdomusic]

Seriously, what the fork happened? I mean, who wouldn’t want to pimp an Atari phone in their home?

[via The Atari Museum]
• Vincent Chase would make a whorrible Aquaman

• Set snappages from Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. Early guess review: don’t bother and juss Netflix Barry Lyndon already!! Related: Kubrick’s final film

• Meet the next group of people you’ll loaf to loathe on next season’s 24: him, her, and her. [via Dark Ho]

• Fiery Furnaces announce a bunch o early football season tour dates. They hit up NYC’s Town Hall on the 14th, in the fitting month of ROCKtober.

• Does this have a chance of being better than this? I dunno, cause the 1st one has no relation to Dakota Fanning.

• How come Electric Six released Senor Smoke in the UK this past February, yet it has yet to hit our shores? Either way, feels free to ‘preview’ it here

• Although Thighs has turned his back on MTV’s The Real World, doesn’t mean he’s turned his eyes away from any NSFWness from Austin’s Melinda

• Vote for yer flavorite cover of my mos flavorite magazine, Time Out New York . I’ll tell ya write now that mine isn’t this one of a cow or this one, which is currently in the lead, but I’m teetering tween the first issue I ever got, ‘Tasha, Meg in a cast, The A to the muther stickin G, Pee-Wee, the flick that’s in a 4 way tie for all thymes breastest in my book, and the one that will probably end up getting my vote, Superjew!

• Jessica Biel makes out with a Pringle, and yet she’s still not attractive. [via Predicure]

• Ism gets Spanish Lohag hate mail

• MIDIes galore in the key of Video Games. They won’t let me hot link to them, but here’s a bunch I blazzle dazzled all over: Blades of Steel‘s Victory, Bionic Commando‘s Level 1, Double Dragon‘s Mission 1, Excitebikes‘s Title, Final Fantasy‘s Matoya’s Cave, Goonies II‘s Cyndi LauperGood Enough stizz, Ice Hockey‘s Game, Zelda‘s Overworld, Pro Wrestling‘s Profile, RC Pro-Am’s Title, Rygar‘s Level 1, Mario‘s Starman Dance AND Doo-Dads Doo-Dads Doo-Dads jounks, Tetris A, and duhvs course, Tyson’s Punch-Out‘s BLANK Stole My Bike. [via Pakulashaker]

• Impress none of your friends with this Washington Natty’s lamp

• Pictures from within the NYC subway system [via Data Doubleya]

• Austria Museum Lets Naked People in Free

• Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief [SFW via Fark]

• PACERS, GREMLINS, AND MATADORS!

• Dr Zaius is a playa [b wear of sound]

• And with some newly minted free time, oddly enuff not used for blogging, I’ve been revisiting some moooovies. I gave The Village a 2nd chance, and I muss admit, my opinion has warrick dunn a complete 180. This is Shyamalandingdong at his best and probably one of the most beautiful movies of 2004. Too bad I can’t go back and change my year end Best Of list. I also gave some reloveage to Tim Burton’s Batman. While many people have hailed the new C Bale one as the Holy Toledo Batman Grail, I still stand by version 1.0. I mean can you name a better summer blockbuster since 1989? I can’t. And don’t give me any of this Star Wars or Spiderman jazz!! Burton did everything right, especially make Gotham City into a character all its own. Plus it doesn’t hurt that Billy Dee Williams was in it too. And our final trip down memory lame was devoted to the movie that everyone hates, cept for me and my monkey and his fumndacheese: A.I.. Sure it runs a lil on the long side, but where else are you going to get Senor Spielbergo channeling Stanley Kubrick? If it was the other way around, Full Metal Jacket would have ended with Private Pyle and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman hugging. And don’t sleep on my man Haley Joel Omelette!! The kid was purrrrrrrfectly cast as a robot, since he’s actually related to R.O.B., of Gyromite fame. And although he may have lost his boyhood charm, doesn’t mean the kid is down and out. Dude juss signed-on for ‘an independent coming-of-age drama’. Sounds like a snoozefest and 73/1011ths, but after all he gave us, don’t we owe him?

• Whateverski happened to super-sexslutsky Valerie Perrine??? Did gawd punish her by starring in one of the greatest wurstest movies mt everest, where she’s surrounded by lots of gay men, Steve Guttenberg, AND Bruce Jenner? I guess snot, but she’s purty much warrick dunn nothing of note since then, cept look as scary as finding Margot Kidder sleeping in a cardboard box with no front teeth. So lettuce forget the now and remember WENN. When she used to wear tight clothing in most movies and took it off it the others. WHAT AN ACTRESS!!! So, for your viewing pleasure, I give to you, Val’s Playboy‘s pics, her in a bathtub, in a pool and making one lucky bald guy berry berry happy. Somewhere Gene Hackman is screaming her name while Ned Beatty dreams of Otisburg. [plenty of NSFW above]

• First, how could Nancy O’Dell plan to get married to someone with a last name that isn’t ‘Master’? Second, how come she had a bridal shower and Leeeeza Gibbons was invited, but I wasn’t? Thirdly, how cause Dell computers haven’t come out with a special Nancy O’Dell computer? It would be perfectly tan, mad hot and lean, and would have plenty of buttons that everyone would love to push!

• Brian De Palma is taking a break from being a Hitchcock hack to become a… Brian De Palma hack. C’mon dawg, is an Untouchables prequel really NESS-a-sairy?

• Pink Is The New Scientologist

• What’s the point of a clothed Brande Roderick? I don’t mean to gripe, but I prefer her with grapes. [2nd NSFW]

• Nike apologizes to Minor Threat for their bastardization. What’s next? Keds ripping off Fugazi’s third album cover? I can see it now…

• How come this disc doesn’t contain 12 versions of ‘Bohemian Like You’?

• Can you smell the (stone) roses (reunion)?

• Apparent-lee Dunaway wants young lays before she faye-ds to black.

• I now own two of these. I’m hoping this one’s less itchy than the other one mees gots.

• TWS.org, yer #1 result for ‘jim mora rants‘

• Garfield garfood. Is this what Gar Heard heard?

• HorseHater.blogspot.com [via Anon ‘Famous’ Amos]

• Did Little Mikey of LIFE cereal fame die from the explosive effects of mixing Pop Rocks candy with soda pop?

• Click and drag her [via Dr Falada]

• Lil’ Markie [via My Man Marvelous]

• What Is Cosby?!, a YTMND production that would sure please even the great Peabs Von Peabsenhiemer. [pic from Uncle G-love]

• And will these be the last pics you ever did see of Cuthsplert as the reigning Royal Thighness the II? Maybe a lil too soon to make a call like that, cause girl knows that the jigga’s up, and she’s been on her berry breastest behavior round yers drooly. And by that, I mean she’s been serving me breakfast in bed every morn by covering her bazzingies in veggie cream de la cream cheese and then placing everything bagels (MY FLAV!) on top of dem shmears, which leaves nuttin but her sweet nepals to stick thru the bagel holes. Some say thumcredible. I say greatestist morning ritual since trimming my grundle hair. And come this Thursday morn, flizz will be even better than the real thing as I enjoy my Cuthbert, whilst watching Sharapova take on Venus to see who wins in the battle of the bling.

I’m sorry, what was I babylon5ing about? I’ve been so distracted as of late by this girl, Miwa Oshiro, who’s been coming over for lunch, while Cuthelles goes out shoe shopping, and doing that body sushi shiz on my behalf. Oh boy, oh soy, my lil toy, oh joy!! Lemme chopstickitinya!!! [link via ASF]