Thighs Wide Shut

Cliff Engle Sweater ad, circa 1986

[eBay]

Cliff Clavin on Jeopardy!

Yours thighly cannot keep away from the fair city that is Bloomington, Indiana. In a little over a year, including this jaunt, I’ve hit Indiana’s only cultural hotspot a whoppin 3 times! Take that other Hoosier alumni! Last time on the IU, me gots to see my beloved Skins fall to the eventual world champs, and richard prior to that one, I sported my Redskins Cliff Engle sweater. No racist football club paraphernalia was on hand on this go around, but that didn’t stop the inevitable: my nauseous egg farts that cannot only clear a room, but a sidewalk. Yep, they be so nasty that they can even knock out people walking OUTDOORS! The pictures documenting this annual expedition are slowly becoming more popular than the ones taken on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. Well, that may not be true, but would you rather look at Jennifer Hudson wearing a midget jacket or my hands covered in a white sauce that doesn’t come from a penis?

Me & da crew had a gay olde thyme

about as gay as this hat

Sleaze Bo hadn’t been back in 10 years

but he didn’t fear
like Stephen Frears
looking into a mirror

even though things change
the song always remains the same

so gawd bless today’s students
for making a stand about those who do not stand!

Cliff Engle sweater fever will never die

and when I die I want to be buried in this sweater

and for your weak a$$ paint job

I will fist hump you!!

there was plenty of monkey bidness abound

a gorilla suit?
no, a gibbon suit!

poor Jeff Katz




although how can we feel bad
when every man who pee’s at Nick’s
will know his name and apparently the status of his cock

no one can stop my Masthole

or my a$$hole after eating everything but White Caslte

speaking of my toxic gas

the Village Pantry has
les bestest chicken salad sangwhich
in da land

and the Cresent

made me moon
as in pullin down me pants
and poop the 27839123478 donuts I inhaled
with pleasure!

mouth wide shut?
NEVER

for when it comes to eating
I’m the #1 slut

to you this Buffa Louie gooeyness may look gross

but to me, I say it’s art
and that you my friend are the one who’s morose!

Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary’s Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman‘s boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx‘s ‘Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens

Spanksgiving!
-for my mother’s redonkey-donk greasy spoon
-for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus’ call to bench Mark Brunell
-for Cliff Engle
-for Goldenfiddle
-for Orbit’s Lemon-Lime gum
-for Shitney giving her ho the heave
-for Garyland’s 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler’s desktop background image
-for the color combo of green and yellow
-for Amy Ruth’s candied yams
-for The Onion‘s headlines
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters
-for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong!
-for Jhoon Rhee’s ‘Nobody Bother Me’ commercial
-for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles
-for Spike TV’s Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden’s Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme
-for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii
-for Drew Brees’ fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league
-for 1/20/09
-for Maryland’s world’s bestest flag
-for Borat’s endless curiosity of packaged cheese
-for Dan Steinberg’s Sports Bog
-for Sesame Chicken
-for bowling
-for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on
-for mustaches
-for the return of Kelly Leak

Misgivings!
-for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake’s ‘Sexy Back’
-for the NFL Network
-for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray
-for mircowaved tunafish
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors
-for Nazis
-for Surf Nazis, who must die
-for my State Comptroller
-for Tower Records’ closing
-for the NBA
-for Philly’s Mütter Museum‘s love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head
-for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn’t need to be dramatic
-for Libby Gelman-Waxner’s mostly worthless ‘If You Ask’ articles in Premiere
-for Jessica Shaw’s always worthless Shaw Report in EW
-for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day
-for Gustav Graves

Earnest Givens!

Soooooo… you loves me long thyme and although I gots plenty o’ goodies for Chananukakkahshegahshgreh, I still wants mo! Buy me this stuff or make this stuff happen and maybe I’ll give you an HJ… not to be confused with the Hitler Youth

Adidas
Winter Knit Rib Track Top Jersey Jacket
Green/Light Green

Skins
XL Super Bowl Champs
w/Scrub-Arsed QB(s)

Stroopwafels
Galore!!

Pink Is The New Blog’s
’05 Press/Visitors/All Hailedness

Parker Bros
Tee avec Logo

t.A.T.u.
Lyudi Invalidy
aka Ruskie Version of THE ALBUM OF THE YEAR!

Lawrence of Arabia
To Play On The Big Screen
Cause I Refuse To See It Until Dat Happens

Cliff Engle Sweaters
Bears/’Hawks/Celts/Packers/Everyone Who Aint The Eagles/G-Men/C-Boys/Raiders

Vans Chukka Boot
Core Classics
Green (OOP)

Freezy Freakies
Gloves
For All My Freakies Fridays

Colin Firth/Mr Darcy’s
Hair & Clothes
from the REAL P & P

Gheorghe Muresan
Growth Poster
(formerly a Thighland possession)

and flub course…

World Peace

OF ASS!!!!