Thighs Wide Shut

Follow My Voice: With the Music of Hedwig
Homophobes AND Homophones Need Not Apply
Trailer
US Release Date – will air on the Sundance Channel
July 27 at 9 p.m

If you’ve ever seen Hedwig, as a stage musical or in its cinematic form, you know the music kicks more (gl)ass than Remo Williams [vid]. And if yer a Wig-head, you probably already own the redonkelous tribute cover album, Wig In A Box, featuring the likes of Frank Black, Rufus Wainwright, Spoon, Robyn Hitchcock, Jonathan Richman, The Polyphonic Spree, Imperial Teen, Yoko Ono & Yo La Tengo, The Breeders, Bob Mould, Sleater-Kinney & Fred Schneider, They Might Be Giants, Cyndi Lauper & The Minus 5, the Bens (Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, & Ben Lee), and yes, even Stephen Colbert. And if you don’t know what I’s is talkin bout, u have a lotta effin catching up to do. Anywho, if you qualify as a Hed-head, yer gonna love this doc about the making of said tribute album that in turn dumps its proceeds on America’s very first LGBTQ school, The Hetrick-Martin Institute, aka the home of The Harvey Milk High School. But the making of is juss 1/2 the picture. The other 1/2 explores the inner workings of the school itself, as seen tru the eyes of a handful of students, with varied backgrounds and orientations. The only crying shames are that not many will see this fab doc, and not many will buy the CD. Only 75K has been raised so far. What up wit dat shit? I mean it’s all about the Benjamins, and the Bens! Wonder if Winona Ryder ever offered em a foursome?

Recommended for those who like: Hedwig & The Angry Inch, the music of Hedwig, and gay AND straight people who love Hedwig

Possible Porno Name: Swallow My Moist: Making Sweet Music While You Give Me Head Like Butch Vig

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the breastest/wurstet making of an album doc, Let It Be, which in this case, sadly co-stars Yoko Ono, and was directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg, who should never be confused with Wernham-Hogg

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pirate In A Box’ by Lemon Demon [d] and ‘Just Pretend’ by The Bens [d] or juss buy the dang CD and help make some gay kids even gayer than Gay-le Sayers

IMDb Sweeney: how could there be any Sweeney when there aint shee-at on the b of IMD?

TFF Thighspotting: three of the students featured in the feature, including model Mey Bun, who should not be confused with Messy Bun

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): It’s a doc, so how could it not be Breast In Show?

and here’s the .5
and I say .5
cause it’s not a new flick
but some old shiz

The River
Runs Through (sh)It

I’m all for viddying old classics on the big screen, but this 1951 Jean Renoir trifle is the kinda flaz u see on TCM and turn the channel after about 8 seconds. It’s such a snoozer that I actually took a well deserved 20 minute nap. I mean, c’mon, you try watching 10 movies in less than a week’s time and ruling the world’s thighs with an iron fisting!! The only thing worth uddering is that the lead girl, who’s suppose to be ugly, is really ugly (sorry, dats the only snap I could find). Both of my rents agreed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe they’ll remake this with Orlando Boo and Kate Snoozeworth and zzzzzzzz…

Recommended for those who like: x, y, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Possible Porno Name: not even mrs butterWORTH my time

Unsatisfied with this? Visit a better work by Renior, at DC’s Phillips Collection

Apt MPupil3: Wanna really put yoself to sleep? Listen to ‘River of Dreams’ by Billy Joel [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Hottie Adrienne Corri would later in appear in A Clockwork Orange as the writer’s wife who gets ultra-raped by the Droogies [NSFW]

TFF Thighspotting: Me thinks whilst nappin I dreamt of JoJo, does that count?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): it really isn’t all that bad, but I cannot recommended it, and thus Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges!

(don’t worry folks, only 4 more reviews left!)

Sophie Scholl: The Final Days
Somewhere MLK Jr and Gandhi Are Playing Table Tennis Smiling
View Trailer

Here we go again folks, another belatedly released overly superb Germanic-crafted film that focuses on the Fatherland and NOT the Holocaust amidst WWII to get hosed on Oscar night in the Best Foreign Language category. Last year it was Downfall that got the bozak, although winner The Sea Inside was so bestest, it shoulda taken home the Best OVERALL Picture statue. Not nearly as intense as the intense D-fall, SS:TFD does pack a dollop of wallop all its own, and may be more intense than being admitted into intensive care at the University of Tennessee’s Intesive Care unit at their intense hospital (should all of that been written in the past tense? I dunno, I’m too tensed to deal. Anyone for tense-is? Wouldn’t that be nice!) Ech! Anywho, Sophie was a real person and WWII was a real war. Sophie strongly believed her country was headed in the wrong direction, so with the aid of her brother and a few udders, she stood up in a time of not standing up, by passing out pamphlets speakin nuttin but the truth. But this is Nazi Germany and since the Jews obviously don’t control the media, there’s no freedom of speech. Sophie and her coconspirators get caught and the movie takes us up to… her final days. And even with that in mind, there’s still the element of sirprize til the credits roll. What are those sirprizes? Crazy orgy scenes great filmmaking, in a very subtle way.

Recommended for those who like: bobby pins, ye olde copy machines, and Germans who sound like Hitler when they scream… wait, doesn’t every German, I mean Nazi, I mean German?

Possible Porno Name: Sophie’s Choice of Shaved Balls, For Her Final Lays

Unsatisfied with this? Ignore Ebert and Netflix Swing Kids

Apt MPupil3: ‘Die Fucking Nazi’ by Diabolic Vomit [d vis Corpse]

The Mo You Know: Learns all about Sophie and her White Rose movment, which should never be confused with the White Rose company that makes les ghetto generic grocery store items

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

BO( Jackson a)NUS!
Sophie channeler Julia Jentsch, or JJerman, as I like to call her, is probably my mos favorite Germanic actress of the 2005s and 06s!! She educated me on her hotness in The Edukators, co-starring probably my mos favorite Spanish-Germanic actor of the 2005s and 06s, Daniel Brühl!! I love JJermans!!!

The Confederate States of America
Rebel Yell Nil
View Trailer

Have you seen Spike Lee’s mos challenging joint to date, which tackles USA’s olden time exploitation of the black man in USA’s modern time, Bamboozled? If no, turn to page 16, or go to wherever fine DVDs are rented. If yes, good, you’ve already seen the movie that The Confederate States of America wishes it was 1/1873664th as good as. Franztastic premise, lousy eggzecution. Oddly Jointly enuff, this movie was ‘Presented by’ Spike. Don’t waste yer money on a theater viewing, and wait for it to air on Spike TV.

Recommended for those who like: the shitty aesthetics of UHF‘s commercials and shows, my photoshop skillz, and Mississippi mascots

Possible Porno Name: The Conjugal Stains of Elmira’s Cunt

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix READ a more interesting, more effective bit of revisionist, what if, history, Philip Roth’s The Plot Against America

Apt MPupil3s: the Tales of Uncle Remus LP from Disney’s Song of the South [d all here ]

Add To Muss Visit List: The Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia, at Ferris State U

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A Lot of Effin Merit, But Forkin No Stinkin Badges FOR YOU!!

Brick
High School Confidential
View Trailer (one of the breast I’ve seen in the ’06)

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I know you watch The OC, or used to watch it. And I know you know that show totally has no value, unless value is weighed by MILFs, Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, and every band that has once graced the linkages of Stereogum. Well lets say that one day The OC woke up and decided to pay homage to about 11 film noir classics, replaced Adam Brody with that soon to be minor-major Hollywood playa kid from Third Rock (you MUSS see him in Mysterious Skin), Rachel Bilson with a thinking man’s Rachel Bilson (the berry yummilcious Nora Zehetner), and cast Lukas Haas as a local drug kingpin, for no good reason, other than the fact that I’m sure his schedule was clear, and dude, he’s fucking in the Haaaaaaaaas!!! Sounds like a completely pretentious hodgey-podgey mish-mash, eh? Well, it aint the perfectedness that is Basement Jaxx’ Kish Kash, but who eggspects perfectednessness from a flick with an estimated budget of .5 mil!! Sure, some of the actors may have been cast by picking names out of a hat, and okay, the movie’s hepcat slanguage can be more daunting than anything written in Nadsat, and aiiiight, the plot may be more all over the place than a Wesley Willis/Daniel Johnston duet, but this moody lil ’05 Sundance fav kept my interest from start to finish, and the same can’t be said for a lot of the crap that’s been released this year, hispecially for a certain movie I know that starts with V and is crapdetta on wheels.

Recommended for those who like: urban dictionary.com, Sally Bowles, the female droog, and Heidi Fleiss’ nephew

Possible Porno Name: Laying Pipe, Laying Brick, Smoke My Cock, Lick My Prick

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of the only watchable Robert Altman flicks, The Long Goodbye

Apt MPupil3: ‘Sycamore Trees’ by Jimmy Scott & Angelo Badalamenti from the Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me soundtrack [d]

Did You Know: that Nora Z has died in two movies by way of neck?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): has a bit more merit than some, so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Drawing Restraint 9
Which I’m Sure Won’t Draw Much Applause
View Trailer (which you really should view)

Remember the beautifully shot, yet fatally dull and trivial pursuit at sea that was The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou? Sure, the shoes and the soundtrack were gluteus kickin to the circus maximus, but products don’t carry a movie, they juss help pay for all the back-end deals, over-promotion, and Harvey Weinstein 8-course lunches. Wellllllllllllll, Drawing Restraint 9, which is not comparable to Zissou, or anything else for that splatter, brings a whole new level of pee-u to this salt water milieu. The brainchild of childbrain ‘artist’ and Cremaster master, Matthew Barney, DR9 is not likely to be screened many places, which is good, cause I don’t think it will find many audiences, unless of course, you’re in Nam June Paik‘s posse. Woooooooooooah. Dude, I know this isn’t suppose to be a real movie, cause there weren’t like 50 explosions or chicks in bikinis, but I didn’t realize that a philosophy degree was required to experience this ‘relationship between self-imposed resistance and creativity‘ on celluloid. I don’t even know what that means and I actually saw the film.

So what eggzactly happens? This: one man (Barney) and one woman (Barney’s real-life wife Björk, which to this day still kills me, cause he’s way too post-modern for her, and we’d totally have super-human offspring together), arrive by two separate boats to the only factory whaling ship operating in the world, Nippon‘s the Nisshin Maru. Since both are not there to whale whales, listen to Marley and the Wailers, meet Frank Whaley, or have a whale of a good time, I couldn’t tell you why they’re there, but they’re there aiiiiiiiiight! The ship’s guests are honored by having their eyebrows shaved and gettin dressed up like they wuz Star Wars Episode III rejected characters or something. Then, when they’re good and ready (an hour or so into the ‘film’), they sit down for tea. A tea master makes the guests’ acquaintances (another 15 minutes or so later), and tells them about the history of the ship they’re currently sailing on, which turns out to be the ONLY DIALOG of THE ENTIRE THING (besides some of the Björk songs and murmurs of the Japanese crew). DAT’S RIGHT, so DAVID MAMET FANS BEWARE (let me buy you a pack of gum, I’ll show you how to chew it), cause you’ll slit your wrists or your girls’ tits!!!! Anywho, the three drink tea, the tea dude leaves, and then the room starts to fill with this vaselineish watery crap. As the level rises, man and woman embrace, and then go about slicing each other’s legs apart with ceremonial knives, bit by bit. By they time they’ve minced each other’s meat, they’re sorta whale-like things, I guess, cause they both have lil blow-holes on the back of their necks. And oh yeah, before we roll the credits, all of the above is intercut with the ship’s crew putting together a monster jelly that hardens, then loosens, and then hardens, and then loosens, which sounds like my weekly shitting schedule, which was already turned into a movie.

And oh yeah, the 9 means 8 thangs came before it, and oh yeah, there are even some restraints after 9

Recommended for those who like: Björk’s ass, her Homogenic cover art, and her music videos, if they were 135 minutes shlong

Possible Porno Name: Licking Her Taint 9

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider, or digitally penetrate yoself with digital Winona Ryder

Apt MPupil3: ‘It’s Oh So Quiet’ by Björk [d]

The Art Movie We Would Rather See: A Single Plum, Floating In Perfume, Served In A Man’s Hat

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): A big bag of blah, but the pretty pictures save it from the shitbin… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

V For Vendetta
Not Much To Remember Remember
View Trailer

Nice try film peoples, but the only anarchy on display here is the bloated screenplay with all its half-cocked ideas that labors on and on for what seems like 47238432 November 5ths. High on style, and what seems like itself, there aint nuttin much to behold but a house of potential, built solely with balsa wood. It’s not a total wash out, I mean, dude, Natalie Portman taking a nap on a pile of poo larger than this woman’s [NSFW] for 7 hours would still be worth watching beating off to, but then again, anytime a review of ours turns into a bunch of picture pages (like Van Hell Suck/Hellboo), it aint bound for glory, or bound like Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly either. So without much further Freddy Adu about nothing, wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray/PSP/HD-DVD/VD, and in the meantime (no, not the Helmet album), do the math, cause we’re not Asianified enuff to come up with something that equals $10 well spent, but wees’will stills give it a try…

V 4 Vending =

every third idea from 1984
and even the creative flip-flop casting
of John Hurt
as Big Brother
or is
it

the dude who’s waiting for the worms?

+

Jack White’s
whorerific van Dyck
experimentalpatient

+

the fury of the filth
and the filth of the fury
not including filthy
Colin Firth’s Furby collection

+

more unsuccessful masked adaptations

+

Stephen Rea
doing that Stephen Rea
I’m a cop, you idiot thing
but not in the Schwarzenegger way [d-lode]

+

those Matrix subway platforms
that made me wanna take the first train
to I’m leaving the theaterville

+

bangable bald chicks
that Bald Bull
hasn’t already banged

+

the art collection from DH‘s opening credits

+

the real man in black
not sum guy Joaquin Phoenix
sorta played in a movie
that everyone thinks weigh too highly of

+

Portman in the jail bait form we all know
and claim not to make love to

+

the opposite coolness of shooting
in an empty London
like they did in 28 Days Later

+

the mise en scene of
all things visual Franz Ferdinand

+

the real Anakin Skywalker
Sebastian Shaw
not
zebastard Hayden Chritisiaianianson

+

flubvs course

the real V

Recommended for those who like: Fry’s nose, Portman’s mole, and those who don’t care for Florence Henderson’s b-day suit [NSFW]

Possible Porno Name: V For Vaginal Beast Inspection (which I’m sure will one day become a hentai [NSFW])

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of the above mentioned moviezz, or the only goo Alan Moore book to movie conversion, From Hell… btw, where the fork is the berry talented Hughes’ bros next jazzle?

Apt MPupil3: ‘1984’ by David Bowie [d-lode]

€16.30 Well Spent: Guy Fawkes hat, black felt

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges. Aight, so it’s kinda sorta entertainin’, but tsk-tsk, and a tsk-it, a triscuit, a steve trachsel, for this shoulda been Breast In Show no diggty doubt using a be-dazzler. I’m still perplexed and mad vexed with all this over ripe tomatoing. Guess they were juss happy it wasn’t Matrix IV: Convolutions