Thighs Wide Shut

we’re a bit behind, so these gots to be qwikies…

The September Issue
The Wintour of Our Content
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

In 2007, Vogue, the magazine, put out an issue in September, only a month after they put one out in August. It was better known as their September issue. It was the size of a phone book and had pictures of wicked hot and wicked rail thin chicks pouting in pretty settings [spoiler alert 2 years too late: Sienna Miller graced the cover]. How does something like this come together? PEOPLE! Old people, who think they know fashion, and young people, who are forced to wear yarns that no one would ever wear, but the old people force them to wear em or else they’d force them to eat food. R.J. Cutler turns the camera on these peoples and sees what the deli-yo. Nothing crazy really goes on, considering editrix (we hate the word almos more than we hate the NY Giants) Anna Wintour is the pimp behind Vogue‘s wheels and you’d expect her to throw a coat on her assistants every 8 seconds and scream GET ME ARMANI!!!, but nah, no dice. She’s a powerful woman who knows what she wants, speaks her mind when need be, and happens to have a stoopid haircut. It’s mad fascinating to watch her at work, and watch those who work for her walk on eggshells and shells and cottage cheese juss to peas her. There’s one lady who sorta stands up to her…

Grace Under Firecrotch: Grace Coddington was a former model turned fashion editor/creative director at Vogue. She totally kicks a$$ in The September Issue, but it was kinda weak that they didn’t mention how her brothers are Emperor Palpatine and that dude from Mask (OK, this was in poor taste, but this site isn’t called HappyRainbowSmilesDippedInFunIceCream.net)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Extract
Very Vanilla
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Mike Judge is a funny guy, and you knows it. If wees have to give you examples as to why, then go watch Judd Apatow movies and leave we be. Extract is his latest and Extract is not worthy of being his latest. It’s not bad, it’s juss not all that funny. Therein lies the problem. The characters are beyond likable (and how could it not be with everyman Jason Bateman, eyeball and boob friendly Mila Kunis, wiigish Kristen Wiig, A-OK J.K. Simmons, ballsy Clifton Collins Jr., Beavisy & Buttheadish Dustin Milligan, kick in the David Koechner, sparkled motioned Beth Grant, an even ballsyier Gene Simmons and a WONDERFUL Ben Affleck. yes, WONDERFUL!), but broccoli can also be likable and broccoli hasn’t made for a funny movie since 1934. Wants Judge funny that needs no judging? (re)Watch Idiocracy

Wishful Drinking: sorry Mr Judge, but even if Extract was a home run run home, it would still be second fiddle fiddle second in the world of extract entertainments wheneth compared to Tom Hanks gettin all kinds of wasted on vanilla extract as Uncle Ned on Family Ties

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat Merit Worthy, But Ultimately No Stinkin Badges

9
Not Another Bo Derek Prequel
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Shane Acker‘s got cartoon visual know how, and how, and know! His ‘005 short called 9 was nominated for an Academy Award, so others muss agree! He didn’t win, so maybe the agreementance wasn’t unanimous, and his lumbersome bigger screen adaptation of said short with the same name didn’t eggzactly win we over cause the storytelling wasn’t very storyful or telling, but man, thems visuals rawked! With this and Coraline, it’s nice to have sum creepy alternatives to the straight-laced Disney-Pixar kiddie fixars, and as soon as they get their stories straight then Pixar will have to start making more crizz-niz-nazy fare like WALL•E Beats Pete’s Dragon. word em up!

Never Stop Motion: a kid and parents-friendly movie waiting to happen….

WEEPULS: THE MOVIESICOOL!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Extract & 9 are currently severing time at a theater near jews, whilst The September Issue mags its tail in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sorority Row
The Partridge Scam-ily
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

&

The Final Destination
Tone Death
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Both of these ‘horror’ films basically all suckses. The kills are all goods and funs, very funs, but all them filler in betwixt each of the decapitations needed a bit of… fillerbustin. BUSTED! If The Final Destination wasn’t in 3-D, it wouldn’t be worth 2-D-eeing, like Jaws 3-D, but unlike the nevercoming soon enuff Step-Up 3-D. Speaking of Step-Up, Step-Up 2 The Streets totally stepped it up like Steppenwolf and Teen Wolf eating a party of five Scott Wolfes, and that was all due in all parts to the ness-hot of Briana Evigan, daughter of My Two Dadser Greg Evigan, again evigan and again. She had sweaty boobs in that movie and she does again evigan in Row, which rowed rowed rowed our floats! The boner-us bonus is she also somehows gets involveds with bubbles. Then again evigan, all boners get qwikly erased every time Rumer Willis pops up on screen, cause she looks like a microwaved Demi Moore, more or less. But then the boners return when you see this againevigan

any questions? oh yeah, Row has Princess Leia wielding a shotgun, which is the most action she’s seen since Han grabbed her boob, + Audrina Partridge gets killed, but not nekkid. Others do, but no Evigan birthday suit, so it’s kinda pointless nudity. Destination had 3-D boobs, and when we tired to grab them on screen, we failed, so in essence, that movie was a failed. Sadly the multi-dimensional boobs did not belong to former Clooney NSFW f&cktoy Krista Allen

where does that leaves us? if Row was 3-D it would been better than Destination, but it was in 2-D, so…

Verdictgo: john wilkes both Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Row and Destintion are both sum meritting at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Public Enemies
The Touchables
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Tommy guns, riding on the sides of cars and bank robberies rule the day, while hiding out, gettin drizunk and womanizing rule the night in Michael Mann‘s fun, yet not too deep look at the life of John Dillinger (a steady, but unspectacular Johnny Depp), his gangsta cronies (Faramir! Stephen Dorff!!!!!!!! + an electrifying, but little screentimed Stephen Graham as Baby Face Nelson) and the G-men who sought to bring them all down (anyone else getting sick of Christian Bale? + a scene chewing, James Cagney impression spewing Billy Crudup). Mann’s well suited for this job, having made many a memorable gun fight friendly ficks over the past 3 decades, and with a cast overloaded with talent and beauty (Marion Cotillard, John Ortiz (loves him), Branka Katic, Rory Cochrane, Carey Mulligan (loves her, and we lovesed her first!!), Giovanni Ribisi, Emilie de Ravin, Lili Taylor, Shawn Hatosy (he’s like a fake Brad Renfro), Leelee Sobieski & Channing Tatum, juss to name 1/16th of the cast), it’s a catastrophe of the highest order that the film looks like absolute hell. We aint talking about the costumes, hairdos, props or sets, cause they all are flawless, especially since they shot at the real locations, but wees talkin about how the film was shot using HD cameras and not ye olde film stock. That kinda 80s camcorder home video look worked to great effect with his gritty ditties Collateral and Miami Vice, but for a period piece like this, it almos ruined the whole affair. You probably won’t care or notice, but we certainly did, as any scene that included light bulbs or bright outdoor light resulted in a whoreriffic motion blur appearance that completely drove us insane mad batty crazy. Zodiac was also shot in HD, and that’s one of the mos beautiful, warm colored films we’ve ever seen, so what gives? C’mon Mike, next time be a Mann and make yer solid period piece movie look like a movie and not like a solid piece of shit

No Harmon No Foul: there have been several Dillinger related flicks that came before, but none of them sound that memorable, esp the TV one starring Mark Harmon, but we’re quite curious to take a look at John Milius’ 1973 entry, starring Warren Oates as JD + Ben Johnson, Michelle Phillips, Cloris Leachman, Harry Dean Stanton, and Richard Dreyfuss as Baby Face Nelson!!

Verdictgo: despite our moanin & groanin tis still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Homecoming
A Futile Attraction
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We pity poor Mischa Barton, and it has nothing to do with looking eggszactly like her brother Falkor. She left our beloved OC on her terms, the show fell apart w/o her, and her career fell apart w/o it (somewhere Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows are raised in disappointment). Most of her post-‘California, here we come‘ work has either gone straight to video or should have if it didn’t in the first place. Homecoming is yet another brick in her unwatchable wall that keeps growing by the year. In this amateurish movie, she plays Shelby, a girl stuck in her hometown with a mountain of debt and a mountain of love for her star quarterback ex-boyfriend (Matt Long), who shipped off to college months prior and already shacked up with a 90210 hottie mcgee (Jessica Stroup). Things come to a head, and a bore fest, when the b-friend & his new g-friend come home for… HOMECOMING and Barton thinks she can woo him back into her arms. Obviously that aint happening, and after some unhappy coincidences, Mischa traps her rival in her house, ties her up to a bed and drugs her aplenty. Sounds familiar? Yeah, we liked it too when it was called Misery, and this teen-y version is simply miserable. Sure wish that Annie Wilkes had chopped up the screenwriter of Homecoming to bits before one word of it had ever been put to paper. The only solution we see to turn around Barton’s fleeting career is to call on a voodoo priestess and bring Marissa Cooper back from the dead

Coop de Ill: there were two Marissa Cooper shirts we always wanted to get, but never did. the former Thighmistress got us this one, which always gets us odd looks by passersby (as do our manboobs)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Died Young, Stayed Pretty
Poster Children
Official Website & Trailer

Posters sell and advertise stuff. Some are used to do just that for bands and their concerts (looky here at GigPosters.com for a ton of em). It’s an art form fo sho and the artists who art them art’nt necessarily swimming in riches and fame. Died Young, Stayed Pretty is a documentary aiming to give ’em some of dat recognition that they deserve, but it’s not nearly as interesting as director Eileen Yaghoobian‘s last name. After about 15 minutes, you get the entire picture, so for the rest of the time you get more of the same: look at this poster, OK, look at 32838 more, OK, now lets talk to the poster designer about designing them, OK, now repeat, repeat and poster, peat, re, designer, talk, poster, things, stuff, is this thing still on?, hey, there’s Frank Kozik, but why are they only talking to him for 8 seconds when he was like the semi-forefather to these poster peoples? repeat, repeat, more posters, chit chat, some wit here and there, even more posters, aiiight, wait, how come they’re only talking about today’s poster makers? what about a lil history, like the dudes in the 60s who started it all, like Milton Glaser? Oh yeah, he has his own separate doc, and peeps like Kozik and many others were dones up in another called American Artifact. So what’s the point of all this dying young and staying pretty? Don’t really know, but we think it has something to do with posters

Poster Haste: outside of movie posters and this set dedicated to Yiddish words, here lie our mos flavorite posters mt EVERest (with much respek to Uncle S & Rosie the R)

Verdictgo: for poster addicts only, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Enemies be already playings at a theater near jews, while Stayed Pretty gets ugly in NY only, and Homecoming will soon be leaving screens in NY, LA and KY?

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Soul Power
The Ramble In The Jungle
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Soul Power (no relation to Soul Plane), a new documentary about the massive 3 day ‘black Woodstock’ that coincided with Muhammad Ali and George Foreman’s infamous 1974 ‘Rumble In The Jungle’ bout in Zaire, should have been the perfect companion piece to 1996’s mos eggsalad Academy Award winning doc When We Were Kings. Sadly, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte (Kings‘ editor)’s look back is more like an extended DVD extra that isn’t required viewing by any stretch of the imagination. Tis a shame, cause the performances by the likes of James Brown (the film’s title is a nod to his song of the same name), BB King, Bill Withers, The Spinners, Sister Sledge, Celia Cruz & The Fania All-Stars and many others do sparkle quite bright in the African night, but beyond some slightly amusing behind the scenes footage leading up to the big show (Don King, always a pleasure to watch in action), there’s not much else to sing about once the show hactually begins. Where Kings succeed in expressing the impact the fight and all the hoopla surrounding it had on the locals, Power comes off as being, well, power-less. We’re assuming the footage that we’re pinning for doesn’t eggsist, otherwise it would have been included, but this event staged for the original soul brothers from the motherland doesn’t reserve enough screentime for them. The most illuminating non-musical bits revolve around Muhammad Ali (no big sirprize there), who’s fight was postponed for over a month, as we see the smooth talker shoot the shiz with the musical legends. Ali was truly a king in Zaire, and so why does this concert, which is equally a landmark undertaking as his fight was, feel like one giant court jester?

Shirt Tales Part MIXLIX: the Zaire ’74 logo totally kicks glass! we were putzin round on the interwebs looking for a tee with it on it and found this fly yellow one

but apparently this hot arsed site that reproduces tees that ye olde rockers wore don’t sells it no mo. probably cause this lady now has the eggsclusive rights to make the shirts… which aren’t nearly as good/yellow

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Soul Power opens today in NY & LA only the lonely

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hurt Locker
Shiz Is The Bomb, Yo!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… a few years ago, in a vacant Baghdad street, three US Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal specialists (Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty and Guy Pearce) and their faulty robot assistant are attempting to diffuse a bomb waiting to go boom, while local residents, who may or may not be the bomb placers, look on in the distance. Don’t want to ruin anything, but lettuce juss say that one of the soldiers aint gonna be around for the long haul, and it’s the one with the highest star wattage (a quick exit happens to another star later in the movie, which is such a great trick on the audience, ala Janet Leigh’s unexpected early demise in Psycho). Right off the bat the intensity level is cranked up to 11, and besides a few scenes of R&R, the intensity never dips below 10 (you’ll need a cigarette post-screening to calm yerself down, even if you don’t smoke)

So after Guy Pearce is blown to smithereens in the opening scene (oh crap, we did ruin it for ya), a new unruly cowboy bomb squad leader is brought in, and played in a beyond star-making turn by Jeremy Renner (you may have seen him be an asshole before in North Country or Take, or in the stuff listed in ‘Mad Man’ below). His subordinates, Mackey and Geraghty (both eggsalad in their own right), don’t take too kindly to his unconventional gung ho ways, especially since it could also get them all blown to smithereens (but not while listening to The Smithereens’ ‘A Girl Like You’). To them, it’s a tough job that someone’s gotta do, but for Renner, it’s something much more- an addiction that he continuously needs to feed. Hurts so good!!

Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break) and writer Mark Boal (penner of the underseen In the Valley of Elah)’s Hurt Locker is without question the definitive Iraq War-related movie of our time. Surely took long enuff, after all the flubs and duds that came before it (, Rendition, Redacted, anything else Re-poopulous). Hell, we’ll even go out on an artificial limb and say that it’s the bestest war movie we’ve seen since Full Metal Jacket (sorry Ryan, yer Shaving Privates production was technically awesome, but it was all a lil too cutesy for our tastes). So if you have the choice this weekend, do yerself a flavor and choose Hurt Locker over that other explosions in the desert clusterfudge

Mad Man: Renner has appeared in several commercials over the years, including ones for Bud Light, Coors Light, 7-11 and Duracell. he also pops up in Pink’s video for ‘Trouble’

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Surveillance
Several Things Wicked This Way Comes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… darkness, murder, blood splattered everywhere, and a ravaged girl appears out of nowhere looking for help. No, this isn’t Ronette Polaski’s grand entrance that set the disturbing tone for David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, but the opening move of the serial killers that run rampant in his daughter Jennifer Chambers Lynch‘s wickedly delicious (maybe not so) long awaited follow-up to her notorious Boxing Helena. Surveillance is a Rashômonesque whodunit, with several disheveled characters recounting their version of the same grizzly story of what eggzactly happened on a desolate stretch of road earlier in the day (including solid supporting work from lil Ryan Simpkins, Pell James, Mac Miller and “http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652783/” onclick=”(new Image()).src=’/rg/castlist/position-16/images/b.gif?link=/name/nm0652783/’;” target=”_blank”>Cheri Oteri… yes, the long lost Cheri Oteri). Listening to their tales are FBI agents Julia Ormond and Bill Pullman (that’s more of an odd combination than John Cocktoston’s Scotch-Romanian name or his parents, but hey, it works!). These J Edgar Hoovers aren’t cut from the same clean cut cloth that daddy’s Agent Cooper was, and her sheriff (Michael Ironside) and deputies (mustachioed Kent Harper, also the co-writer, and a superb French Stewart… yeah, remember him?) aren’t eggzactly any town’s finest, unless you count shooting civilians’ tires out so they have an eggcuse to harass them

As is the case with Hurt Locker, Surveillance is a relentless, heart-pounding affair that won’t loosen its grip go until you let it (even if we hactually guessed the resolution early on). It’s possibly a bit more intense than Locker, not necessarily better, and strangely enuff, more thrilling and twisted than her father’s recent output. Maybe he should take a page out of her book, instead of the other way around. Remember, it was Jen who wrote The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, not daddy!

Private Lynching: David Lynch has two other children from two different relationships, sons Riley and Austin Jack, who appeared in Inland ‘Unwatchable’ Empire and as Mrs Tremond’s magic grandson in Twin Peaks

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chéri
Languishious Liaisons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins (based on the books by Colette)… with our narrator briefly telling us about some of Europe’s mos notorious courtesans during the Belle Époque era, before turning our attentions solely on the long-winded tale of Lea de Lonval (Michelle Pfeiffer) and her beloved younger titled lover (Rupert Friend). At first, it’s mostly amusing to watch their relationship blossom from a fling into a full-on multiple year affair, but after they’re torn apart by an arranged marriage (to the adorable Felicity Jones) that was set-up by Lea’s old rival and Chéri’s annoying mother (a VERY annoying Kathy Bates), it turns into an eternal waiting fest, as Lea sits around and pouts and pines and pines and pouts, repeat, repeat, replete. Urgh! You know the two are gonna reunite at some point, for butter or wurst, and by the time we get there, 18 hours later, we wish the two had never met and that the narrator had picked one of the other more scandalous whores to chronicle. Don’t know if anyone was clamoring for a Dangerous Liaisons reunion between its director (Stephen Frears), writer (Christopher Hampton) and star (Pfeiffer), but we got one anyway, which doesn’t mean you have to watch it, especially when you can get so much more + Asia Agento NSFW heaven in The Last Mistress

You Got The Silver: Anita Pallenberg has a minor role in the film (and was also recently seen in Harmony Korine’s brilliant Mister Lonely as The Queen), and is best known for having a major role in the lives of the Rolling Stones. She first started off shacking up with Brian Jones, and then left him for Keef, eventually giving birth to three of his kids. Rumor has that she also rizzle razzled with Mick. no word on if she touched Charlie Watts’ sticks or not

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Chéri opens today across the country in limited release, while Hurt Locker and Surveillance (also available on-demand!) hurt it up in NY & LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…