Thighs Wide Shut

Pirate Radio
The Boat That Didn’t Rock
or The Boat That Sucked A$$!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Hey Pirate Radio (which was once called The Boat That Rocked in its Native country and was somehow 20 minutes achingly longer) wake us up when yer done being so in love with yerself. Yeah, seriously, get a room with yerself, and then sink to the bottom of the ocean and never submerge or re-emerge or whatever merge cause you are AWFULes like really bad waffles or wiffle ball bats or Casey at Batman’s or Casey Kasem and Sean Casey watching Kazaam. Yes, seriously, yes. NO!!! NO!!! Ships a-oy!! WHY Richard Curtis y? X? Y? Zzzzzzzz? No one should love actually this movie. Notting OFF, not hill. Five funerals, no weddings! Bridget Jones would have a diarrhea if she saw this film you call a movie that is straight up, straight down unfunny, unfortunate, and unwatchable. January Jones shows up and proves once again that she’s about as talented as Christmas Jones. OK, so the fact that pirate radio stations in the UK’s high seas eggsisted is kinda um-musing, but why take that and then put the world’s giantestistest anchor into your storytelling and then make Kenneth Brawn-aaaaaaah have the mos grating role in his acting career that has stalled more recently than all the stalls found in Jerry Stahl’s shower stall museum that he co-owns with Armin Müller-Stahl. We HATED this movie more than we hated your mom cause she vomited on our cock. The End!

Musick To Our Stomachs: great soundtrack, but as the even greater A.O. Scott pointed out, most of the songs used cames out after 1966, when the film supposedly takes places. boooooo urns. want a real pirate radio movie, when then PUMP UP THE MOTHERFORKIN VOLUME!!!

Verdictgo: WURST IN SHOW aka Slit Dem Eyes Out RePOOOOOOOOOPelusssz!!!

Bad Lieutenant:
Port of Call New Orleans
I Know Why the Nic Caged Bird Swings For The Fences
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember when Nic Cage overacted his heart out playing Nic Cage trapped in John Travolta’s body pretending to be John Travolta in Face/Off? Well imagine if Nic Cage was trapped in John Travolta’s body, but tried to be Nic Cage, but was also trapped inside his own body and also tried to be Nic Cage and those two bodies were really one body and that body attended a school of over-overacting, and he was so good at overacting that he was a shoe and a sock in for valedictorian of over the counter overacting. Can you imagine it? Can you? YOU CAN! Throw in Werner Herzog, some hallucinogenic iguanas, MURDER!, the deep dirty south, Val Kilmer, Grima Wormtongue, Eva Mendes playing a whore juss like she is, a dog, Jennifer Coolidge acting serious, drugs, more drugs, more overacting, some black people, Xzibit being one of them, and Xzibit being one of the wurstest ‘rappers’ turned ‘actors’, multiply all of that times crazy crazy crazy like the Crazy Bread from Little Caesars and your port of call is a port of AUTHORITY! The cage has been broken and you will laugh! You’ll be scared, and you may juss forgive Cage for being Cage. Cage closed. Or is just opening? Cage against the machine!

Out Of Mind Out Of Time: 1987 – proposes to Patricia Arquette at first sight. She refuses; he suggests a ‘quest’ to prove his love. She asks for J. D. Salinger’s autograph, a black orchid, a Bob’s Big Boy statue, and a Tibetan wedding dress. Cage obliges; Arquette again refuses, then relents in 1995; marriage lasts six years [The Wild, Wild Ways of Nicolas Cage, a timeline]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers and a creepers!!

The Box
The Box That Maybe Rocked?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There was a box and it had a button. If a couple (the dude with the laser eyes in X-Men and the girl that we’d all bang but looks like the Cuban Joker) pushes the button then they get 1 millionnnns dollars but someone dies, someone thighs and Frank Lungjello still has part of his mouth face missing!!! what? WHAT@!!@! They DO push the button, which activates the box so someone dies, we think and then people start acting strange cause it’s the 70s!! The dude works sorta at NASA, and it’s a movie directing by the Donnie Darko cat. Got it, but that doesn’t explain the really strange library where Jerri Blank’s stepmother works (maybe?). What about that other stuff, stiff, aliens, what? What’s that light? Why are things happening that make no sense or dollars? Do you cents something strange? We have no clue what happened in the movie but it was kinda cool, right? YES. On second thought, still yes, but hey, a movie doesn’t have to make sense to make change for a dollar, whether it’s an American one or an Australian dollar or whether the weather can make a pitcher out of a picture. Read that reed, and pee on a pea, you. YES, ewe!!!

We Can’t Handle The Turths: wanna know what The Box is alls about? PUSH HERE!!

Verdictgo: with reservations, still Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers

theses movies are already doing things in theaterses NOW

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

2012
This Is The Yawning of The Age of Egregiousness
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

However awful you think Roland Emmerich‘s 2012 will be, multiple it times awful, then multiple it times boring, then multiple it times predictability, then square root it with obvious ethnic stereotypes (although Hispanics are spared the embarrassment), stir for 158 minutes and pray to Jesus that you can somehow regain that time and money you juss threw down the eau de toilet bowl. If you subtract all of the shock and awful from the trailer, yer left with nuttin but a script that was adapted from the wurstest cliched bits and lines from a collection of the worstest doomsday movie scripts ever written, whose words are wastefully delivered by Lloyd Dobler, a velociraptor, the director of The Station Agent & The Visitor, Danny Glover in whiteface and Woody Harrelson, who plays a really sh%tty version of Woody Harrelson. A tell-tale sign of poopocity in the making is anytime a movie lets Oliver Platt show up to play someone with power. Anyone who knows anything about power or Oliver Platt knows that you don’t give Oliver Platt power in a movie or really bad things will happen. And somehow the lovely Thandie Newton and chewable Chiwetel Ejiofor got caught up in this sh%tstorm of running away from earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes (at least they weren’t running away from air, like in M Nightshammaladingdong’s The Unhappening) . We all should take a page out of their book and run away from this disaster as fast as humanly possible

Who Would You Rather:

Alexandre Haussmann and Philippe Haussmann

or

Beatrice Rosen?

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

2012 destroys eyes this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Antichrist
Antiwatchable
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Forget about every other sentence that appears in this review, cause in this first sentence we will tell you all you need to know about Lars von Trier‘s latest slit yer eyes out repoopfest:
IT IS ONE OF THE WORSTESTESTESTEST FILMS OF BALLS THYME SO DO NOT GO AND SEE IT NO MATTER WHAT OR TWAT (UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR SPOUSE TO DIVORCE OR KILL YOU) EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY BE CURIOUS FROM ALL THE HULLABALOO BEING BALLOED ABOUT IT BUT YER REALLY BETTER OFF STAYING HOME AND SELF-MUTILATING YOUR OWN PRIVATES THAN PAY TO WATCH CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG SLICE OFF A PIECE OF HER VAGINA WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS BUT NOT BEFORE SHE DRILLS A HOLE INTO WILLEM DAFOE‘S LEG AND PUTS A WEIGHT ON IT SO HE CAN’T MOVE AND THEN JERKS HIM OFF WHICH LEADS TO BLOOD AND NOT JIZZ SQUIRTING OUT OF HIS JOHNSON FOR NO GOOD REASON OTHER THAN IT’S THEIR WAY OF GRIEVING FOR THEIR DEAD CHILD AND SO IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF ENTERTAINMENT THAN FEEL FREE TO GIVE MONEY TO LARS VON WTF-IER SO HE CAN KEEP ON MAKING CRAP ON A STICK AND STICK ON A CRAP (ALTHOUGH HIS DANCER IN THE DARK IS NEITHER CRAP NOR A STICK) THAT LOOKS VERY ARTY BUT ARTY IN MORE OF A FARTY KINDA WAY AND DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE WE SAID A WOMAN CUTS OFF A PART OF HER VA-JAY-JAY CAUSE YOU CAN MISS IT BY NOT SEEING THIS MOVIE WHICH IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST AND EVEN IF YOU HATE CHRIST THIS IS AN INSULT TO THE REAL ANTICHRIST WHICH IS BRETT RATNER BUT IF BRETT RATNER DIRECTED THIS MOVIE IT HACTUALLY MIGHT HAVE BEEN LESS PAINFUL ON THE EYES AND THIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and here’s yer second sentence: the above may contain spoilers, whoops!

Liquid Jesus: the opening scene is probably the only semi-watchable part of the whole enchilada, but only cause it reminded us a forkload of them criznazzy Calvin Klein Obsession ads (sadly SNL’s Compulsion by Calvin Kleen aint on the nets)

Verdictgo: without a doubt Slit Yer Clit Off Repoopulous

Christ spits hellfire in NY/LA/SF/DC only this Friday, and elsewhere hopefully nowhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Law Abiding Citizen
Law(And Everything Else)less
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

If Law Abiding Citizen were released in the lates 60s/early 70s maybe it would have been something special, in a Dirty Harry justice at all costs kinda way, but if you czech yer calendar, you’ll notice it’s 2009, and if you somehow happen to make the mistake of watching this udder hunk of not so modernist junk, you’ll mos likely be czeching your watch over and over, waiting for this wish it was Death Wish revenge fantasy to end

Blame cannot be assessed to director F. Gary Gray, who keeps the punches rolling, a few that will make you jump outta yer seat, but this eye-rolling-a-thon fails largely due in part to the who’s more annoying ham acting between Jamie (should stick to the real life characters) Foxx and Gerard (no ifs, ands or) Butler (although mayor Viola Davis is perhaps the wurstest offender in the thespian dept here), and the man who put all dem putrid words in their mouth, Kurt Wimmer. Wimmer is the pen-man-sinking-ship behind such forgettable duds as Ultraviolet, The Recruit, Equilibrium, Sphere, and will probably get to add the Total Recall why is it being remade remake to that list

And the gist of this mos wonderful story? Butler’s wife and child are murdered, Assistant DA Foxx gets some sorta justice on the perps, but not enuff for Butler’s liking, who ten years later employs his technical stealth know-how to play an overblown game of cat and mouse, killing anyone related to his injustice, all from the comfy confines of a jail cell (yer butter off seeing Bronson, although we don’t really recommend that movie either). So how is he pulling all these strings from behind bars? That answer is the only thing remotely keeping yer eye rolling eyes glued to the film, but how it gets to the answer feels more procedural than an 8th rate CSILaw&OrderNCIS, dressed up with some Dexter splatter patterns. Sounds great, right? Throw in Daniel Simpson Day, the father from The Commitments, Carley Bobby, President Logan, and Regina Hall (someone please give this high-larious Scary Movie scene-stealer some real work), and what you got is… it’s never sunny in Philadelphia. weThinks all peoples who pay to see this should be allowed to make a citizen’s arrest on Wimmer

Magi of The Gif: watching Gerard Butler try to act, and cover up his Scottish accent with an overbitten American one, can be purty painful at times, but without his brand of over the slop topness, one of our mos flavorite animated gifs of balls thyme wouldn’ta been possible

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

LAC opens at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

An Education
Cold Schooled
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We’ve warned you over and over about how udderly franztastic actress cutie pie McGee Carey Mulligan is be (our love started with her minor work in Pride & Prejudice, then blossomed fully in the Dickens mini-series Bleak House, and has never stopped since), but you were probably too busy looking for the NSFWs all over this site to even notice (sure, her boobs aren’t gigantic, but it’s OK, juss ask yer moms, who doesn’t have gynormo ones either). Well, sometimes it takes more than a nation of Thighlanders to get a very valid point across

Spankfully An Education eggsists, and certifies and further promotes this and our finding of Ms Mulligan’s skill and bestness. She is An Education. Without her in this breakout and first lead role this knowledge might have remained buried for years to come, and the flick itself would have not been as palatable. But she is in the movie, and others have certainly taken note of her performance, earning much much much Oscar buzz, comparisons linking her to Audrey Hepburn, and plenty o’ praise heaped about, even from someone who rarely doles it out like Anna Wintour. Will things ever be the same for this up and comer? It won’t, and even if you take a pass on the course work of An Education and miss her indelible/incredible work, her name and face will be hard to escape in the decades to come, so why not hop on now before the bandwagon aint got no mo seats left?

So what is all this Education stuffs, eh? Mulligan plays Jenny, an impressionable school girl (a screenplay by good ole Nick Hornby based on Lynn Barber‘s memoirs), who’s skipping right along on a rosy pathway to Oxford in the post-war 50s world of England. Her proud semi-stern folks (Alfred Molina and olderish-Mulligan look-a-like Cara Seymour) keep a watchful eye on their beloved only child, so when the charming, older, more refined David (Peter Sarsgaard) steps into her life from outta nowhere, will hers or theirs ever be the same? For better, and for worse, no

Through David, she gets to learn lessons that can only be found outside the walls of her all girls school (with a supportive teach played by hey, where the fork have you been Olivia Williams + Emma Thompson, doing her usual steady Emma Thompson thing as the headmistress). Her bright eyes and keen ears are wide open, taking in all sorts of culture and delicacies her working class family never had the privilege to have shown her. She’s wined and dined, and has her lid flipped all over London town, the British countryside, and eventually a bon Paris trip, with her new beau, his thick as thieves buddy Danny (Dominic Cooper, slowly growing on us as a solid actor) and his dense sweet-tart (Rosamund Pike). Sounds purty peachy, eh? Well David isn’t all that he seems and when not-so-perfect things come to light about her Mr Perfect, everything will come apart at the seems. Will it be too late to stitch thangs back up????

Director Lone Scherfig‘s colorful period piece thrives with Mulligan in the driver’s seat, but the road we head down feels all to well traveled. We’ve encountered numerous coming of age, girls II women, stories before, and this one isn’t that discernible from the rest. But for this particular film, it doesn’t have to be, especially when we get the rare chance to see a star being born

Bearded Wonder Boy: poor Matthew Beard. this is the second movie, after When Did You Last See Your Father?, where his crush and hard-on for Ms Mulligan have been crushed and turned into blue balls

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

St. Trinian’s
Holy Crap!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

English cartoonist Ronald Searle‘s St Trinian’s series spawned several books and big screen adaptations, the first being The Belles of St Trinian’s in 1954. Sequels followed, the last being in 1980, and apparently the time was right to do it all over again, splashed up wit respected actors (Colin Firth, Toby Jones, Lena Headey, Stephen Fry, and the namesake of our annual movie names award, Fenella Woolgar), youngish hotties (Gemma Arterton, Lily Cole, Mischa Barton, Russell Brand?), youngish ones who are on their way to
respectability (Talulah Riley, Jodie Whittaker, Juno Temple) + a lil help from the loud girls of Girls Aloud. This film came out in the Old World circa 2007. It was such a island-wide smash that it’s own sequel, St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold, is hitting up their shores this winter. Besides peering at them wickedly adorable beauties and seeing Rupert Everett deliciously switch hit as a student’s father and then don a ladies get-up as the school’s wacky headmistress (a word so grand, it had to be used in both of our reviews!), this slapdash exercise in controlled insanity is nuttin more than a British version of the hiss-fire Bratz, cept w/o the ‘Bratitude’ [d]. What, that comparison means nuttin to you? Well, think Monty Python’s Flying Circus, w/o the Monty Python, the flying, and a circus with only a 1/4 ring

Saint Sinner: remember Caterina Murino? she was one of the Bond gals in Fapino Royale w/cheese, and if you look at these pictures, you probably won’t forget her again

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

An Education schools in NY & LA this Friday, while St. Trinian’s fails in the North East only on the same day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…