Thighs Wide Shut

No Strings Attached
No Frills Attached Neither
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again

There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.   And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher

There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’ Greta Gerwig.  Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde.  But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!?  Wethinks we’re onto something here!!!  OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!!  Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!!  and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!

Lets Have A Krystal Ball!!!: Krystal Ellsworth, ells yea!!!

+ Ophelia Lovibond caught our eye & thigh in Nowhere Boy, and does again in Attached, and now we’re gonna stay attached to her 9ever!!!

Verdictgo: Little To Zero Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Attached detaches today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

chicks wearing bows hotter than chicks not wearing bows!

Black Swan
Perfection Has It’s Price
AND THE PRICE IS BEYOND AWESOMESZEZZ!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In the race for American cinema auteur awesomeness, there’s Darren Aronofsky and Ben Affleck David Fincher, and (although Christopher Nolan’s got skillz) that’s it!!!!!!!  It’s a battle we hope that never ends, as the two continually bring it HARDCORE film after film… with a couple minor, yet very inspired eggceptions.  In Finchy’s case, it’s Benjamin Snoozefest and for DA, it’s his budget-restricted messy mess that is The Fountain.  One sorta miss is nothing compared to the 4 unforgettable dynamite productions under his belt.  His latest, Black Swan is that forth flick and it is nothing short of WOWEE ZOWEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s as manic as Requiem, as mystical as Ï€, and as go for broken as The Wrestler.  Black Swan is essentially the same movie as The Wrestler (ending included????), but with a ♀ doin all the abusing to her body for the profession that owns her life – BALLETING!!!!!

And in the race for the White Swan AND Black Swan dual role in Swan Lake in the duality dualtastic Black Swan are three beautiful ballerina brunettes that no man, woman or child would kick out of bed, even if that bed was made of nails and horse poop: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Winona Ryder.  Hard Ryder is yesterday’s forgotten news (but in our world’s SHE’S EVERYDAY NEWS CAUSE WE LOVE HER MORE THAN WE LOVE FRIED CHICKEN), Porcelain Portman is today’s shaken AND stirred edition, and kool-eyed kool-whipped Kunis is all tomorrow’s party.  Add worn-in faced Barbara Hershey as Natalie’s ‘no wire hangers‘/‘they’re all going to laugh at you‘ mum and vicious Vincent ‘married to Monica Belluci’ Cassel as the ringmaster of this black & white with a splash of red crazytownedness circus, and what you’ve got is the f$%king looniest screen trip we’ve adored and been horrified by since Jacob’s Ladder

Swan also gots crotch grabs, crotch grabbing, groping, Mila Kunis’ eyes, Portman’s toenails, Portman’s fingernails, Portman fingering herself, and some of the fiercest acting performances put to celluloid (will we no longer use that word when shiz all goes 100% digital projection?) in 2010 (Portman will win the Oscar, but wee is totes on team Jarvis, and Cassel deserves to win the Supporting one).  Did we have you had ‘crotch grab’?  You should have been had at ‘Aronofsky’

Toidfact: Darren’s father Abraham Aronofsky has appeared in all 5 of his feature films

We’d Dive For This Swan!!:  normal name, above normal hotness…

Janet Montgomery!!!!  although Janet, explain this!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show times like 83838!!!!

Swan is currently laking its chops in limited release!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Kiernan Shipka as Sally Draper = awe shucks awesomeness times a zillionzz

her work on Mad Men ranks right up there as one of the great child performances of balls thyme, alongside Dakota Fanning in I Am Sam, Natalie Portman in The Professional and Tatum O’Neal in Paper Moon

she needs a spin off show called Long Small Sally or Draper?  I Don’t Even Know Her or The Carpet Matches The Draper (sorry, that last one crosses the line a bit)

we knew Shahzad looked familiar