Tag Archives: mustache

Sweet Valley Low & Behold


[mo covers hear]

we’ve never read a single word from a Sweet Valley High book, but that didn’t stop us in our pre-pubic-essence from ogling at the hot chicks on the covers every time we went to a library in the 80s (remember going to the library? who does that anymore now that Barnes & Noble is basically the same thing, cept they sell coffee and actual real life hot chicks go there!). anywho, in our intersleuthin travels, we came across dem book covers again and we juss wanna give props de leon to the artist James L. Mathewuse, who may or may not have invented the penis gripping device, which we are currently using while reminiscing/remijizzing over the Wakefield sisters

further heavy breathing:

Jimmy Mathewuse’s Book Covers Have Drawn in Readers for 30 Years

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Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we already gave the NFC its due, so now it’s time to give the AFC (a conference with actual teams that don’t suck) the bidness. and w/o further Bob McAdoo…

AFC East


Muss suck to be the New England Patriots (11-5). They were a velcro helmet play away from being the first unbeaten team in the NFL since those annoying champagne popping ’72 Dolphins, but it’s wasn’t a total loss, since everyone in Nicaragua thinks they went 19-0 thanks to a boat load of free tees! The fluky Giants win was devastating, but with Thighgate and regular season perfection in the rear view mirror, they shouldn’t have any problem taking this rather weak division again. Of course this is predicated on Brady staying healthy, cause if he’s out, every opponent will be storming back-up Matt Cassel, but we thinks Brady will be fine so its a moat point. Farve will put some zing into Magenius Mangina’s New York Jets (7-9), so hopefully it will be enuff to keep Broadway Joe from molesting Suzy Kolber. The Miami Dolphins (6-10) will improve upon their one win total from last year thanks to new Execuitve VP Bill Parcells, and be slightly better than the Buffalo Bills (5-11), who now have to compete with the Argonauts for the hearts of all Torontonians. In a sign of unity, maybe they should get rid of all the fugly Buffalo Jills (what an hamazin’ name) and draft a few of the loveliest ‘nautsie’ Blue Thunder cheerleaders (we’ll take chubby cute-ster Cathy with the 5th pick overall), although they should be weary of their fans with extra long shirts

Boo-nus link: one of the dumbestest things we’ve seen this past year was SportsCenter’s Tony Sparano/Soprano bit. those guys should whack themselves, or at lest whack off to that Cowboy cheerleader

AFC North


Don’t know how this could possibly happen, but after going thru all the games we predict that the Cincinnati Bengals (7-9) will win the division with a losing record, holding the tiebreaker over the overly prime-timed Cleveland Browns (7-9). We hope it doesn’t happen, since we’re closet Browns fans (probably has something to do with the NWAish Pro Line hat we love, lost, and then found love again with), but we juss don’t trust Derek Anderson after the INT party he threw at the end of last season, and who’s gonna top a team that has a guy who legally changed his name to Ocho Cinco (or as coach Marvin Lewis calls him, ‘Ocho Psycho’). If only Rod Smart had the smarts to legally change his name to He Hate Me, maybe he’d still be playing in the league. The Pittsburgh Steelers (6-10) will be too busy wondering why they don’t have a logo on both sides of their helmets to win and the Baltimore Ravens (5-11) will still be the Baltimore Ravens, even if they are finally free of Kyle Boller’s awfulness

Boo-nus link: Brady Quinn is Facebook’s face of gay love, cause he loves to hand out hummers

AFC South


The AFC South is mos def the second toughest division in the league, behind the NFC Beast flubvs course, and they will send three teams to the playoffs this year. The first two are obvious choices, as the Indianapolis Colts (12-4) and Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5) are the creme de le creme and menthe and meth vs chef vs the Swedish Chef vs Chef Boyardee vs Rick Dees nuts vs Chewbacca ate our balls, whatever all that means. The not so obvious third team is the Houston Texans (10-6), who we also picked last year to succeed. Guess we’re suckers for teams with Jewish back-up QBs. Long live Sage Rosenthalbergsteinbergfels!!! That leaves the Tennessee Titans (6-10) as the low man on the scrotem pole. They’ll never be any good with Vince Young, no matter how franztastic Jeff Fisher’s mustache is or how many heads Albert Haynesworth stomps on

Boo-nus link: not to tootie our own horns, but the only things funnier than Peyton Manning on SNL is our photoshop Joseph Addai Another Day

AFC West


Wees still are in shock that Norv Turner and his Noriega skin didn’t turn the San Diego Chargers (12-4) powerhouse into an instant sh$tstorm in his first season on the job. Granite, he has LT, Gates and a lotta other weapons at his disposal, but this is olde Norvie wees talkin about, a man who couldn’t coach his way outta a wet Papier-mâché factory! Well, they came awfully close to making it to the Super Bowl and this year we see no reason why they shouldn’t be able to punch that ticket. An armed and diabetic Jay Cutler will resurrect the Denver Broncos (10-6), regardless of which no-name RB Mike Shanahan digs up at his tanning salon, but with so many other fab AFC teams, they won’t be able t
o sneak into the payoffs. The Kansas City Chiefs (7-9) have nothing to work with, but Herm Edwards, who claims he hasn’t watched one Super Bowl since he played in one, has the magic touch and we eggspect him to polish these terds into something. As for the Oakland Raiders (4-12), they have a commitment to the opposite of excellence and should consider moving back to LA

Boo-nus link: Brandon Marshall may not have slipped on a McDonalds bag, but that shouldn’t stop you from ogling this beautiful one from the 80s

Sesame Seeds:
#1 Indy
#2 San Diego
#3 New England
#4 Cincy
#5 Jacksonville
#6 Houston

AFC Champs: Del Chargers over the Jaguars in battle of kickers that will end in scandal with the indictment of the Nate Kaeding Five

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall all day long, Chris Chambers, Chris Johnson, Shayne Graham, Owen Daniels, Ricky Williams and his bong

Wees Hates: Ben Rothelsepenis, Jamal Lewis, any New England RB, the Cincy WRs, Tony Scheffler and Josh Scobee

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: James Hardy, Ray Rice, Javon Walker, the Bills D and Andy Bernard‘s rendition of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonite’

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include ANOTHER hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?


yous thoughts wrongs AGAINS!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

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Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East


You’d think that whomever wears the NFC Beast’s (aka the NFL’s toughest division) crown would be tested enuff to have a clear path to the Super Bowl, but don’t tell that to puppet coach Wade Phillips and the crazy talent loaded Dallas Cowboys (13-3), who haven’t won a playoff game since 1996. Last year’s second in command, the New York Giants (8-8), won more road games last year than Cormac McCarthy facing off against Jack Kerouac on a cross-country Parker Bros tournament to make it to, and beyond sirprizingly win the Super Bowl. Well, the Giants are still a good team, even w/o Gap Tooth McGee, but we expect Eli to return to Earth and his errant passes to stop landing on the velcro attached to his receivers helmets, and juss miss the cut for the playoffs. Everyone’s been hyping up the Super Bowl winless Philadelphia Iggles (6-10), but you juss know that either McSnobb or Westbroke or both will incur some kinda injury and prevent something kinda wonderful from happening. Maybe they should juss forget about chasing Lea Thompson’s skirt [NSFW] and juss bang the drums of Mary Stuart Masterson. As for our beloved Washington Redskins (10-6), we never expect much from them any mo, but they have a wild card in their brand spankin new coach Jim Zorn(!!!!!!!). It could be a complete disaster or it could be the miracle that Chief Zee and the rest of the Redskins faithful have been waiting for since 1992. And if the worst happens, we wouldn’t mind seeing the way too slowly developing Jason Campbell get benched in favor of Billy Dee William’s favorite malt quarterback Colt Brennan. Remember kiddies, the last two times the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Skins won the following year

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North


Does anyone outside of the Great Lakes area care about this division? Didn’t stinks so. They may have the bestest color combos in the league (well, besides the AFC North), but this isn’t Project Runway and none of them are as bangable as Kenley Collins (bi the gay, we totally wantz to remake The Notorious Bettie Page with her, and have to keep shooting multiple takes of all the nekkid scenes [NSFW]). Farve is gone, so this division is up for grabs. Any takers? The Green Bay Packers (7-9) won’t fall apart, but they won’t be as good without the Wrangler Jeans man, and soon they’ll be sorry that they didn’t let him throw the rest of his career’s interceptions at Lambeau (bi the gay part 38238128, dearly departed Sean Taylor intercepted the pass that put Farve alone atop of the all-time list). You don’t hear Jon Kitna making any bold predictions this year about the Detroit Lions (5-11), so it will come down to the Minnesota Vikings (9-7) and Kyle Orton’s neckbeard, aka the Chicago Bears (9-7). They both have sh&tty QBs, but the rest of their squadrons will make up for their shortcomings. The Vikes will edge out the Monsters of Midgay with a slightly better divisional record, and ruin it all by having a sex boat party, with Coach Childress offering mustache rides all night

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South


For some reason, our mouths water like Ricky ever thyme we think of the NFC South. Probably has something to do with the fact that Popeyes comes from New Orleans (11-5) and Bojangles from Charlotte, where the Carolina Panthers (9-7) call home (take that people from South Carolina who root for em!). The Atlanta Falcons (6-10) are surrounded by fine soul food as well, but the teams with the fried chicken and biscuit sangwiche
s will rule our hearts, and this division. Plus they are still reeling from the Michael Vick dog days of summer and the straight up awful quitting of former coach Bobby Petrino. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10) got Warrick Dunn back and we’ll take that as a sign of them going backwards… right to the cellar of the NFC South. There’s no way Drew Brees will start the season again with 4 straight losses, 1 TD and NINE INTs! They’ll make up for it big time with Deuce back in the hole and Visigoth Jeremy Shockey doing those silly antics that he anticizes so well. Man, are we hungry, but not as hungry as Charles Mann eating a Swanson’s Hungry Man dinner!

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West


In the shockers of all shockers, not involving Jeremy Shockey (and Tara Reid), Hank Shocklee, the shocker or the cast of the refarted Wes Craven movie Shocker, the Arizona Cardinals (10-6), on the grocery baggin back of Kurt Warner, will knock the Seattle Seahawks (9-7) off the NFC West throne that they’ve occupied for 4 straight years. The Seahawks are hurtin at WR and have to lean heavily on the RBBC o’ Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Having one RB with the same letter to begin both his first and last name is one thing, but when you have two, the world may juss explode. Don’t blame me if this happens, cause Nostradamus’ quatrains containing quadrangles said their right quads will rupture and that George W Bush will win a 3rd term and that John Kerry will never look cool throwing or catching a football. And we all know he called that last one right on da money so be careful peoples!!!! Both the San Francisco 49ers (7-9) and the St Louis Rams (6-10) won’t be as shitastic as they were before, but they’ll have to deal with more growing pains than Carol Seaver

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?


yous thoughts wrongs!

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

6 Comments

Havin’ A Gay Olde Thyme

ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the Maryland Renaissance Festival. a cherished and mos belovededed memory from our young squire dayzz. the games! the corny shows! the wooden swords! the people dressed-up like jack-a$$es! the turkey legs! is there anything besterer than this? ye thinks snot!!

sword is the word!


and yes, we were wearing ironic t-shirts
(this one was a Garbage Pail Kids tee)
as early as age 8!

it has been at least 22 years since we last wenteth, so we fingered that there’s no butter time than now to relive the chivalry for a day, and to all, a good KNIGHT!!

prepare thyself for some cheesy signage

those ticket taker maidens were ye hott!!

first stop

TURKEY LEGS!
duh

they may not have been as big as we remembered
but theys was certainly as delicious!

plus being able to drink ale and mead
makes it all even more funnereererrr!

don’t ya juss wanna bone this bone?

ET bone home!

where’s the HJs & Bjs from a Wench booth?

we woulda rather dunked this jester
with the lame headpiece instead

meat my new bestest friend


who’s offering mustache rides to the New World!

we don’t think there were many clowns in Medieval England

and if there were, they were probably crossbowed on site

damn this looks fun!

not drawn to SCALE

there’s plenty o’ lame entertainment happenings all day long

including a magician that looks like he
bought his tricks at Mario’s Magic Shop

and the lamest of the lame is the bible
themed ‘comedy’ of Hey Nunnie Nunnie

and their awful song ‘Constipated Men’

look at these merrimentors

who contract the black plague every time they make whoopie!

metal bras aren’t juss for Princess Leia

we’re actually wearing that cod piece as we type this!!

it goes w/o saying

so bring your pu$$y face to my a$$!

it was a privilege to return after all these years

and an honor to take a dump in the Privies


can’t wait for Harlem Renaissance Festival!!!

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Ray Knight's In White Satin

The Dark Knight
And To All, A GREAT Knight
Trailers & Mo


The Joker is done, finished, as good as dead. He’ll be forever locked away in a movie character Arkham Asylum, until someone dares to break him free again. That’s the only suitable punishment for one of fiction’s mos notorious villains, and it’s all Heath Ledger’s fault. Ledger is so darn deliriously delicious and rightfully spooky as the smeared make-up clown prince of crime that it will take eons for any future Batman movie to foolishly let another actor don that purple suit. Yep, the hype is beyond justified, cause he’s that amazing in the role (although we still have special places in our heart reserved for Cesar Romero’s sinister painted mustache and Jack Nicholson’s comic stylings). Sure, his death adds a layer of gravitas to what has got to be one of the finest performances of the decade, but had he lived, his A-list status card could have never been revoked. Most of us already knew how brilliant of an actor he was, but there were plenty o’ non-believers out there who never took to him like he did to that jean jacket in Brokeback Mountain. If there had to be a going away present, then this was the best possible one to receive. Thank you Heath. You gave and we took and then you were taken away from us all. You will be missed, but never forgotten. Oh wait, this isn’t a Heath Ledger tribute-tary, but a review of Christopher Nolan‘s much anticipated follow-up to his thinking man’s Batman Begins [TWS review]…

Hollywood is currently oversaturated with comic book crimefighters saving the day (and more importantly to the studios, their bottom lines). It’s come to a point where they’re all starting to blend together into one messy pile of capes and crusading (yesh, Iron Man rocked, but that was all because of the casting), and once again, Nolan’s anti-superhero superhero movie saves the day. The Dark Knight plays more like a real movie than a summer blockbuster that it doesn’t even belong to that league of ordinary gentleman. It’s not only superior to Begins, and it may be a bit early to declare such declarations, but it’s certifiably one of the bestest superhero films mt EVERest, which isn’t such a tall task considering how many unFantastic Fourish flicks get released each year. There’s so much going on here with the eight zillion characters (we totally believe in Aaron Eckhart and his face-time), infinite exposition, eggciting explosions, rad gadgetry and other delectable goodies that it’s hard to take it all in and fully appreciate after one single viewing (we totally need to see it in IMAX). There are also more false endings than LOTR: Return of the King, and yet it matters little when watching cause you’ll never want the film to end (it’s like 3 films for the price of 1!). We’re still not huge fans of the un-gothic look of Gotham City (Tim Burton’s finest contribution to the Batman world), but such a complaint seems so lori petty when everything else is, as Harry Osbourne might say, sooooooo gooood

PostHASTEumously: we all know it’s highly likely that Heath Ledger will get a posthumous Academy Award acting nomination next year. if that’s the case, he’ll join the shortlist of others nominees who passed on before the big show that includes Jeanne Eagels (The Letter), James Dean (twice, for East of Eden and Giant), Spencer Tracy (Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner), Ralph Richardson (Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes), Massimo Troisi (Il Postino) and Peter Finch (Network), who’s the only one of the bunch to win

Alter Ego: Maggie Gynhenahhehahayl, who replaced Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes, will next step into Franken Berry’s giant pink shoes, in ThighGlass Entetainment’s first feature about as the second biggest icon of General Mills’ monster-themed breakfast cereals (Count Chocula is #1 bizatches!!!)

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Take
Execution of Staying Power
Trailers & Mo


Ana(Minnie Driver, doing that annoying annoying thing she did so poorly in Good Will Hunting)’s life sucks. So does Saul(Jeremy Renner, always solid as a do-bader) ‘s. Ana’s child is annoying and she’s poor and her screen-hubby is Pam’s ex Roy and sh&t stinks. Saul has a crappy job and owes money to some bookies and his dad is nuts or something and things AND stuff. One day, their poopy existences cross paths and things get even poopier. Saul’s looking to get some qwik cash and by accident, kills someone near and dear to Ana’s rattled heart. We know this cause the film keeps shuttling back and forth between the past event and the present, where Saul is awaiting his execution. It’s torture for him, but even more so for us as we’re served a heaping plate of not so mellow melodrama that will make you beg for a lethal injection STAT! But in the very end, the two meet eye to eye, to promote the film’s main message about restorative justice, and all the pain and suffering that came before it is redeemed, for both the characters and its audience… that is if you can even sit around long enough to watch it

Backside Drivers: to hell with mousy Minnie, cause we’re all about her sister KATE!! and did you know that their mum, Gaynor Churchward (née Millington), was their dad’s mistress and that she was a model, although she looks like one of the undead dudes from Beetlejuice or the Jolly Dwarf Beetlejuice? she also published some cookbook with other models, like George Harrison & Eric Clapton’s poon du jor Pattie Boyd

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

The Dark Knight is playing at a theater near Jews, while Take kicks it in NY only today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Before you get yer theatrical Mulder & Scully on next weekend, you gots to czech out the newly released DVD The X-Files: Revelations. The 2-disc set contains 8 hand-picked eps by Chris Carter and Exec-Proder Frank Spotnitz that are a supposed ‘essential guide’ to their second feature film. Each ep has an introduction explaining why it was chosen for the disc. Hopefully more studios will release sets like these leading up to a small to big screen adventure so we don’t have to see the whole series (even if we should)

You know we’re gonzo about Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson [TWS review], but we mentioned there was another doc out there with what seemed to be bigger and better talking heads (the same ones from Gonzo + the likes of Ed Bradley, Benico del Toro, Harry Dean Stanton, Gary Busey, et al). We gave Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride a look and beyond the grizzly good narration by Nick Nolte, there’s not much here to blog home about, unless yer looking for chat after chat about the two movies based on his life and writings, Where The Buffalo Roam and Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. Gonzo is required viewing and this one, not so much

Any doc by the Brothers Maysles is probably worth watching. Hopefully you’ve already seen the Stones’ blues in Gimmie Shelter and Jackie O’s crazy cousins in Grey Gardens, and add their fly on the wall of sound and picture feast Salesman, about door to door bible peddlers, to that list as well. Yumm-o!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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