Thighs Wide Shut

House of Flying Daggers
or it’s original name House of Flying Dizzles
View Trailer

I never saw that Jet Li movie Hero, but I bet if you cut off pieces from that and poured it into a bowl already filled with minced Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger, you’d get something that resembles House of Flying Daggers… or perhaps House of Crouching Heroes and Flying Tigers… which could actually pass for a new attraction on Ringling Bros’ circus. Anywayzits, that’s sorta how I felt watching the Haus of Dazzling Daggers & Practical Jokes. Mos def a gorgeous film to watch, with a franztastic name, but haven’t I seen all this people flying from trees junk before? And is there some sorta shortage of Chinese actressesess under the age of 30 or does Zhang Ziyi juss get every role of hot Chinese chick that is mad hot AND can fly AND handle a sword? Wait, what the gordie le forge am I talkin’ bout? I’d pay to see any movie where Zhang Ziyi is either a) holding long shafts, b) refusing to smile, c) wearing men’s clothing, d) dick teasing all of the male characters, e) dick teasing all of the male (and lesbian) audience by only showing us her bare back, or f) starring in the movie. Ya see, Zhang Ziyi is not only one of the world’s finestestest NonUsHotties, but she’s worth the price of admission to any flick she’s in. If they ever decide to put her umcredible body on display at The Met (I guess as part of some ‘Asian Hotties’ eggzibit), my suggested donation would be ten zillion trillion dollars. And if some sushi place hired her body out and put sushi all over that there fine body, I’d build a second penis and use them both as chopsticks to take some tuna rolls… off of her tuna. She has not only stolen my money, but my heart as well. She juss may end up being the first non-white Royal Thighness. Watch yer back Cuthblurt!! Or learn how to handle a sword and fly from trees and tease men with yer back!!

Recommended for those who like: the Wright Brothers, Vermont foliage, and flying dizzles.

Unsatisfied with this? Watch the damn Kikkoman thingie.

Proof
Not At All Formulaic
No Trailer Available @ Press Time

Lucky is me who got to see such an early screening of this flick so no other critics’ reviews can influence my opinion. Why? Cause there are no reviews! Snot only dat, but there isn’t even an American release date set yet… unless you count Argentina as part of America. OK, enuff about how cool I am (mucho gra$$y-a$$ to Big Bad Bogsly), and lettuce break out our red pens and grade this math test movie. This movie has Oscar glory written all over it, based on the cast and crew. It’s directed by John Madden (of Shakespeare in Love fame, not MNF) and is based on the hit play by David Auburn about a genius mathematician (Hannibal Lecter) who starts to lose it in his old age. He’s taken care of by his daughter (Apple Martin’s mum, bird-neck Paltrow) who in turn shares some of her father’s traits: being brizz-ainy/crizz-zazzy. When the old man dies, Paltrow’s sister (the EVER succulent Hope Davis) comes to town to whisk her away before she follows in papa’s footsteps to the loony bin. Also, one of Hannibal’s former students (Donnie Darko) starts digging thru his papers (the papers) in search of some Holy Grail of mathematics (or as British people call it, ‘maths’). Paltrow lets her guard down (as well as her panties) to Darko (maybe cause he loves bunnies so much… so don’t u dare call this movie Rabbit-Proof Fence) and reveals to him a mathematical proof that could change the world. STEP OFF PYTHAGORAS!! Too bad Hope & Darko don’t bee leave her for a second that she could’ve come up with it and attribute the work to the late and great Dr Lecter instead. The rest of the movie deals with proving the proof. IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME SORT OF PROOF!! Oh the drama!! Seriously, who woulda thunk that a play/movie about math could be so engaging? It’s hard not to be when the cast is as stellar as a bottle of Stella Artois. And unlike some plays that made the jump to the big screen, it doesn’t come off as being too stagy. Supposedly this movie could have been released this past December as Oscar bait, but Mirabest held it back. I don’t know what will be (or has been) retooled, but come next year Gwenie and David Auburn (scriptness) could be blessed with Oscar noms. And the formula works for me: Paltrow + Hope Davis divided by Darko = A Muss Sea.

Recommended for those who like: O’Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko’s eyebrows and facial hair.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.

Rory O’Shea Was Here
Hot Wheels
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This movie was begging for me to see it. First of all, I saw the trailer 2,31475,1,6472 times in the theater, and plus it looked like a guaranteed tear-jerker, which as you all have learned, is what Thigh Master loves best (go ahead, call me Mr Softee!) Well, I’m sad to report that a movie about a Duchenne muscular dystrophy and a cerebral palsy-stricken pair of wheelchair-bound buddies striving for an independent lifestyle in Ireland didn’t make me shed one single tear! A lot critics have been calling it “manipulative and predictable” (maybe the title gives away what happens to Rory), but I say, who gives a flying fork??? Sure, the emotion and charm was laid on thick, but it kept me from checking the time on my watch (er, um, cell phone. You see, Thigh Master never wears a watch) and that’s always a good sign. Sure, the script aint My Left Foot, but it aint Suck My Left Testicle either. The movie is carried on the backs of the three principle actors, the spirited James McAvoy, the beautiful Romola Garai, and the brilliant Steven Robertson. Sometimes it’s alright not to cry, hispecially if you’re too busy smiling.

Recommended for those who like: Mike Utley (again, sorry), Johnny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, and something not starring Vin Diesel as a nanny.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Commitments.

Nobody Knows
The Japanese Lord of the Flies?
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Once hagain, I thought I found a perfect movie that would send me digging for Kleenex (not in a sexual way, ala Mean Girls). Instead, this tale about 4 precious kids (ages 12-5) forced to fend for themselves after they were basically abandoned by their mother, almost sent me to snoozeland. After watching what I had thought was an hour of the flick was only 1/2 hour, after checking my watch (see above). That got me all in a hizzy tizzy, hispecially since there was another 111 minutes left!! Talk about a snail’s pace people! Yikes! Unlike Rory, this movie has been given Arcade Firesque like buzz. I juss don’t see it. Sure, the subject matter is harrowing, but mainstream audiences will be bored to tears. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about cause I don’t have any kids, but if I was married and my wife forced me into seeing this, I might abandon her! Hey, nobody who knows?

Recommended for those who like: Ramen noodles, Japanese girls in sailor-suits, and actresses named after pronouns with high-pitched voices.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kids.

Coach Carter
Hoosiers Meets Stand & Deliver
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What more do you need to know? If you enjoyed Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver, you’ll like this. DUHVS!

Recommended for those who like: Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Hide and Seek & Boogeyman
Do They Even Try Making Good Horror Movies Anymore?
View H&S Trailer and Boogey Trailer

Lets cut to the chase here. Hide and Seek had the potential to be a good, but floundered in the third act, while Boogeyman was straight-up microwaved tunafish burning on a pile of dog poo complete with bearded-women pubic hair. I can see why H & S hit the box office jackpot on its opening weekend (cause Dakota Fanning is a bigger draw these days than DeNiro), but Boogeyman? You people have got to be ashamed of yerselves. I’m even ashamed at myself and my mother who dragged me to go see it, cause my pops is too much of a wuss to see scary movies. I’m even going to do you all a huge favor which will guarantee that you won’t ever see either of them: reveal their endings. In H & S, Fanning’s imaginary friend turns out to be DeNiro who has a split personality. Along the way, he killed Fanning’s mum (his wife) and Elisabeth Shue (don’t tell mom that the adventures in babysitting’s babysitter is dead). And in Boogeyman, our hero, isn’t crazy after all. It really was the Boogeyman who sucked his father into a closet oh those years ago!! Not only that, but he gets rid of the Boogeyman for good by sitting in a special chair and destroying random pieces of crap in his room. Or did he get rid of them? Rumors are abound about a sequel. Gawd help us all.

Recommended for those who like: having 3 hours of their lives wasted, having your intelligence insulted, and crap on a stick (not to be confused with Pizza In A Cup).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real horror movie like the two best Psycho or The Shining.

And thus concludes another set of reviews. As promised, once I posted about Flying Dizzles I would be able to complete my Thighs Wide Movies 2004 report. Look for it and other Oscar goodies in the next couple of weeks, in the meantime…

Mental Rental Wround-Up

– We Don’t Live Here Anymore (trailer) AND Code 46 (trailer) are THE most overlooked movies of ’04. I yearned and urinated to see them both in theaters, but both were gone quicker than you can say ‘flizzle my lefty driesell in the house of flying dizzle with my be-dazzlerâ„¢‘. Wow, I was one ‘Dizzee Rascal’ away from copyright infringement on the great Peabs’ prose. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see a movie where Mick Jones karaokes to The Clash (Code) or where Naomi Watts gets railed against a wall (Live Here)?

– The repairing of my flavs Miranda Otto and Rhys Ifans in the romantic comedy Danny Deckchair(trailer) was purty darn adorable, but nothing on the scale of Oliver Barrett in anything/D.A.R.Y.L. (trailer).

– The Forgotten (trailer) was not forgettable, and neither was seeing Mimi Rogers’ bazongas or Kim Basinger getting plunked in the butty in The Door In The Floor (trailer), but usually the movies that are bestest are older and foreign. Thus, I highly recommended Wong Kar-Wai’s moody In The Mood For Love (trailer), Alec Guinness playing 8 roles in the delightful Ealing Studios comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets (trailer), and French-fried caper Bob Le Flambeur, which was remade into the hugely enjoyable flick starring Nick Nolte, The Good Thief (trailer).

Until next time, the balcony is clothed.

– In the has been trashbin dept, GNR may release a new album and tour the UK, Costner wants to wear tights again, Madge wants to kick arse, and Ralph Macchio waxes on (and off) about the brand spankin new KK DVD box set. [last via Fleaski]

– Guess who Bandwagon Boy was rooting for in the Super Bowl? I’ll give you a hint: it’s his ‘faverite team’ and they’re coached by someone named ‘Bellycheck‘.

– Although I didn’t need to read TNDN to tell you this, but the book on Cuthy’s nightstand, juss in case yer interested, is The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.

– Did you hear about the new reality movie starring Drew Barrymore? It’s called 50 First Almost Husbands. How FAB! [via Pinky Le Rox]

– This stinks.

– Gots to give props to lil David Witthoft who has worn his Farve jersey for over 4-hundo straight days in order to break a record that doesn’t even eggsist!!

– Wanna play Find The Thigh Master this weekend? Look for me at The Met or in that giant park with all that orange crap going on.

– GoDaddy.com’s hottie was the most TiVo replayed ad of the Sorta-Super Bowl. Feel free to watch said ad again and again. [via Witzy]

[via JBill$]

– The Warshington Post has somehow gotten hold of a top secret internal email from CTU’s Bizatch In Charge With Bad Bangs, Erin Driscoll.

– So forking what if I came from such a smart county? How does that help me pay for my Playmobil addiction?

– A 4-year kid drove his mother’s car late at night to a video store only to find it closed. On the way back, he hit three cars, including one occupied by the po-po. No charges will be brought up against the kid and it’s not clear which video he wanted. My guess is the chilling sequel to An American Tail, Fievel Goes West.

– This has gots to be the largest set of NSFW jugs me has ever seen! [via Mr Zach De La Roachclip]

– Tits never too late to join my Oscar Pool! Enter yer info, make yer picks, join my group ‘Thighs R Us’ with password being ‘cuthbert’, send me $10 bones and away we gogh!

– And lest we forget…

– Congratzi to Wade Bogglechampion and Ryne Doucheberg on being the newest inductees into MLB’s HOF. And big ups to the 2 people who voted for Tom Candiotti. By the lay, who the jordie la forge names their kids Wade or Ryne? I mean, you can use both those names in a really bad sentence, like, ‘Wade ryne here til I’s gets back now, yous hears?‘ Them names make Espn, as a kid’s name, sound almost normal! ALMOST! Semi Boggs related link: Don’t worry yer lil heart out Madame Twoswabbs, these people don’t know their wax figures from their wax holes!

– If you can rent out The Fridge or Corky, of course you can Rent-A-Midget. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Posh spice has had 3 boob jobs? Tell me more!

– Star Wars Tres may go all PG-13 and shit on us. Rumor has it cause there’s this scene where Jar Jar gives Watto a glass bottom boat (where you place saran-wrap over someone’s face and then take a dump on their face). Anywho, who knew that after all these years, Billy Dee was still one smoothe mothersticker? Doesn’t hurt that he’s surrounded by a pack of white people. [via Double Veester/Thigh Master imposters]

– Beck’s new album delayed til March. Let the Anti-Beck-Alley-Abortion protests begin!

– It must hurt when a brother of a Backstreet Boy sez yer singing is udderly whack. It must hispecially sting when said person was also yer former flame AND also dated yer biggest rival. Too bad for said person that in 10 years time, he’ll be sucking cock for nickels.

– WWJLLAAB (What Would Jesus Look Like As A Boy)? [via Nipsy Newbular]

– The future always sounds better in the past. I mean, who doesn’t want to drive a hovercraft?

– Everyone most flavorite fooball team, The Washington Redskins, already know who they’re playing next year. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they’re going 16-0.

– Don’t forget about The Gates, coming soon to a gigantic public park (possibly) near you!

– Police Say Man Rages Over French Fries

– Catchdubsdotcom, now with 100% less Orko and 40% better link color legibility. I guess you take the good with the bad, and the ugly.

– I have the body of an adonis, and a D that makes Ron Jeremy look like a cloned hybrid of a disemboweled Jeremy Sisto (pre “Moonlight and Valentino,” snatch) and Rainbow Brite wearing a fucking strap-on dipped in au jus. That being said, I have decided that my New Year’s resolution will be to simply continue being fucking wonderful. What the fizzle does this rizzle mean? I dunno, but 2005 will toast def be The Year Of Peabs.

– And just for jizz and giggles, by way of The Scrappy Hapster, we give you this thang…

– Word has it that Her Former Royal Thighness and Fez are gettin it on again. Maybe he had second thoughts after her thighs slimmed down.

– The Spice Girls to reunite… for a baptism?!

– Scarlett Johansson, the next Queen of England?

– Somebody call in Will Smith, cause we’re gonna need him to take down HUBO. ‘Ah, hellllz no!’

– Speaking of Humanoids, Daft Punk will drop their third LP, Human After All, in March of Oh-Five!

– Fockers, so far 41% rotten.

– Inspired by Kanye West, The Archdukes want to make a hip-hop record. I’m sure this news will make Angelina’s panties all wet.

– Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a fine actor, but no one should ever play Elvis eggcept for Michael St. Gerard.

– On MTV2’s Subterranean last week, Le Tigre hate on Limp Bizkit and love on LL. Click here for the vid.

– On Saturday, January 8th at 7:00 p.m. at the DirectorsÂ’ Guild Theater, The Museum of the Moving Image will present a special screening of Sideways, followed by a discussion with stars Paul Giamatti, Virginia Madsen, and Thomas Haden Church. Tix are $18 for the public and $12 for Museum members. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, December 22 at 10:00 a.m. Call (718) 784-4520 to reserve yours now.

– Can you imagine having a baby that only weighed an 8.6 ounces? Or how bout giving birth to Refrigerator Perry, who entered the world at 13 1/2 pounds (btw, u can hire him for your next event)! I feel bad for my mumsy cause I popped out at 10 hefty lbs! My gynormus size inspired me papa to (unsuccessfully) get one of those ‘Home of the Whopper’ banners from Burger King. See, I was born fat and with fast food on the brain. Too bad BK has the world’s wurstest fries!

– Nothing sez Merry Chrismukkah like a Nixon Bowling Bobblehead or Doggy Poo.

– Disneyland, the orgy [sorta NSFW via Metafilter]

– The O.C. juss upped the ante on its own uber-hotness: Marissa Barfon to embark on a thespian lesbian relationship with poor man’s Jenna Jameson/Seth’s crush, Olivia Wilde!!!! Good, maybe after the donuts bounce a few times, Jenna J Lite will get run over by a bus or get shot by the manager of The Arcade Fire at the Bait Shop! [via Seeking Iron-E]

– Speaking of slurping tuna tacos… Ellen DeGeneres has stolen Ringo Starr’s step-daughter’s lesbian lover! And for good reason, it’s Portia de Rossi!

– Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan banging? Their children would have the creamiest of thighs and the nastiest of eyebrows.

– Google now has the ability to read your mind! [via Cubicle Hater]

– I thought I’d never live to see the day that Blockbuster dumps its late fees!

– Man breaks marathon record… on a treadmill! [via Mr Poon]

– Practice saying this before you order one: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. [via the Erect Donkeys]

– X-Entertainment supplies grrrrrreat holiday adverts of ye olden thymes.

– Take your magnifying glass, and go burn stuff up! Sounds like a bad Limp Bizkit song, eh? [via Ciffle Ceffle Caviffle]

– On January 5th at the Museum del Moving Image, there will be a special screening of A Very Long Engagement, followed by a discussion with its director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, City of Lost Children). Call (718) 784-4520 for tickets ($18 public/$12 Museum members).

– Michelle’s franztastic review of last week’s ep of Desperate Housewives reminds me how lazy I’ve become. Anyone yearn for the days when I’d write 4 billion trillion (+ or – a trillion) words about Webster and Vanilla Ice instead of microwaved tunafish?

– Wanna be a Green Bay Packer shareholder? Well, yer probably too late, but here’s the history of it.

– Surgeons remove 90 metal objects, including keys, screw drivers, and nails, from a 22-year-old’s stomach!

– And since there hasn’t been any Cuthy Cuthbertenson news for ages, I’m going to make some up: Cuthbert Admits That She Loves Thigh Master More Than Corn AND PORN!

– The Pixies definitely rock, but they are so borrrrrrrrring in concert. The fake trees they have holding the lights have more stage presence than they do. At least I still have the fond memories of their Coahcella performance… when I downed 15 chocolate-covered-frozen-banananananas.

– I’m back rockin Atkins and losing weight, so therefore I eat more MacDougals than Morgan Spurlock. Last nite after demolishing 3 double cheeseburgers, Megbot and I wondered what the buns tasted like without the meat. We tooks some bites (but no swallows) and they still taste just like a McDonald’s burger. And I thinks to meself, what a wonderful world.