Thighs Wide Shut

Pride & Prejudice
Mind Your Mannerisms
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To all the bob fellas out there, if you wanna guarantee yerself some post-viddying poo-nanny that be gooeyer than a box of melted Milk Duds, den take yer mate/bitch/ho/mother to ANY movie that’s produced under the umbrella of Working Title Films (Johnny English is the eggception to the rule). Juss don’ts come crying to me if the best you get is an above clothes hand job, but you’ll still gonna be better off than if you take that special lady to see Doom, which not very ironically also stars the up and bubbling Pikey von Pikeyson. So what’s there left to say? Pfffffffff, like you all even need any more elbowing in yer groin to go and see this fun-teempth delightful adaptation of Jane Austen’s mastercheese battle of the classes and hot asses!! First off, it’s required by Thighlandian law that you pay good (or EVIL) money to see this, since our beloved Royal Thighness the Firth is the star of the show (no more days of decoying for her), and you’ll be rewarded cause she still looks abso thumcredible with ratty hair and lil to no make-up!!! Second off, P&P is so effin charming that it’ll make you shit yer pants with Lucky Charms and Charms’ Blow-Pops, while you’ll be forced to wipe it up with some Charmin in one hand and some charm bracelets in the other. Third off, Dame Judi Dench is in it and she’s a dame, and it’s required by British law that frankly Scarlett, you have to give a dame. Fourth off, Jack Bauer’s dad and Brenda Blethyn RULE more than a left-handed ruler!!! And final-off, as I blathiemed yesterday, Carey Mulligan is kinda fuglican in the movie, but there’s something about her that’s more charming than 7+ seasons of the WB’s Charmed

Recommended for those who like: many a Non-Us-Hotties (sans Jena Malone, who isn’t foreign or a hottie), rad ye olde hats like the one Pat the Patriot rocks, and movies directed by dyslexics

Possible Porno Name: Wide & Shoveyourthinginthis

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Colin Firth BBC version, which I myself, will soon be flixing

Further Fun: Mr Brave New World himself, Aldous Huxley was one of the screenwriters for the 40s version starring Laurence Olivier. He also wrote one of the early screenplays for Disney’s Alice In Wonderland. He is in no way related to Theo Huxtable, although had he lived in the 80s, I bet he would’ve written 14 novels in his honor.

Aeon Flux
Eye Candy That’s All Wrapper, And No Candy
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Had Aeon Flux rocked the cash bar, like The Island did earlier this slummer, I would have officially welcomed, with open thighs and warm pies, the long overdue renaissance of my mos flavorite film genre, dystopian shiznopian (tubes), which last reigned in the late 60s and early 70s (i.e., Clockwork O, THX-1138, Planet del Apes, Zardoz, and even Woody Allen’s Sleeper). That’s not to say that the Flux sucked, but with all that it had going for it (Theron looking like a slightly slendererer Tiffany A Thiessen, Theron’s Oscar-winning North Country co-star, Theron in whatever you call this (but not this), Johnny Lee Miller with high collars, recockulous special effects, five zillion cherry blossom trees (but no girls [audio]), a giant floating mushroom thing, spires (which always = the future), and Kobayashi (no, not the eating one) in a thing that sorta looks like the thing that the big headed dudes wore in The Neverending Story), I couldn’t bee leave it was not butter! All show, with nothing to show for it.

Recommended for those who like: Colin Farrell’s ex, chicks with hands for feet, and the uncredited actor who played Poggle the Lesser

Possible Porno Name: Anal Flux (Capacitor)

Unsatisfied with this? Sit and wait for aeons (get it!) until dem bastards decide to release The Maxx on DVD

Further Fun: all about Æ/æ

Jarhead
Welcome To The Suck
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OK, I get it. The first Gulf War was boring. All these men (and woman!) gave so much of themselves for about as much conflict as when my parents argue as to who’s gonna empty the kitty litter. But did ya have to bore the audience as well (and again) Sam ‘Road to ZZZZZZZzition‘ Mendes? And if yer gonna make a war movie without taking a side or a stance, at least try to make a point, besides that masturbation and Santa hats in the desert are funny. This is far and away, the most disappointing flick and floundering use of talent since… Far & Away? Maybe that was a bit harsh, but c’mon, we were all hoodwinked by the ‘Jesus Walks’ [d-lode] infused ads. The song doesn’t even make its cameo until the closing credits roll, and by then, you more likely to nod off than nod yer head.

Recommended for those who like: all things boo and boring, like Hebrew School, the coupling of Orlando Snooze and Kate BOOOSworth, and doing it with yer Grandmother

Possible Porno Name: Jizzhead

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the first 45 minutes and 21 seconds of a real war movie, Full Metal Jacket

Further Fun: Rumor has it that the only two pieces of Star Wars memorabilia that George Lucas sports in his office are a Chewbacca mug and a R2D2 cookie jar. Don’t be like George. Be yerself and get the Bobba Fett Cookie Jar Head

Until next time my lil droogie howser MDs, the balcony is clothed

Somewhere even Martin Kove AND Billy Zabka are shedding tears, cause we have to bid a HUGE

PEACE THE
FORK OUT^{©®™§µŒ}™
To the effin man whose first credited role was ‘Oriental #2’ in Thoroughly Modern Millie, who had many a Happy Days, who may or may not have had a black twin brother, who guest starred on everything and anything including, but not limited to Married… with Children, Murder, She Wrote, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Magnum, P.I., Laverne & Shirley, The Incredible Hulk, The Love Boat, Chico and the Man, Welcome Back, Kotter, Sanford and Son, Kung Fu, M*A*S*H, Hawaii Five-O, The Bob Newhart Show, The Odd Couple, Love, American Style, Laugh-In, and Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. (which may actually be worth a trip to the Museum of TV & Radio viewing room to see Pat square off against Jim Nabors), and who is best known as the Oscar-nominated lil man who taught Ralph Macchio a thing or two about cleaning and life, and dispensed such wisdom as “Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.“

1932 – 2005

I guess we can say goodbye to a Collision Course sequel and/or prequel

So…

How come Hillary Swank (magazine) gave no bitta love to her former sensei during any of her eggceptance speeches for the Best Actress Oscar? Omitting Chad Lowe’s name is no big deal considering his biggest accomplishment was appearing on Life Goes On as the HIVster Jesse McKenna, but Patty M? Without him, you woulda been paraplegic within the first 10 minutes of Million Dollar Baby.

And how come me mum never bought me any Karate Kid action figures? My GI JOEs and Star Wars rebel alliancers coulda really used the talents of Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso to help fend off the likes of such infidels as Destro and Ree-Yees.

And how come me mum never bought me any Mircale Applications goodness for Hanukkah? Any product that features Pat’s mug AND the slogan, ‘Wipe On, Wipe Off‘ is worthy of receiving during the Festival of Lights!

Pat, along with Georgie, who also juss peaced the geordi laforge out, you were the best, AROUND. Nothing’Â’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own [d-lode the Joe ‘Bean’ Esposito bestness]

DATS RIGHT FOLKS!!
the 2 month cow/queen
is warrick dunn
and thus
Keira Christina Knightley
be yer
Colin Fifth
Her Royal Thighness
of balls thyme
Tit all started on the set of Episode I when my mejor hombre Sio Bibble started having convulsions and wouldn’t stop saying ‘invasion’. A young girl playing Natalie Portman’s decoy came over to see what all the hot fuss was about. We locked eyes and didn’t stop starring at each other until Sio came to and started babylonning about ‘negotiations’ and some show starring William Fichtner that would eventually air a long long ways away, in a galaxy far far away. Then, George Lucas and his 17 chins kicked me off the set cause he thought I was the only one on the internets speaking negatively about him. That was the last I saw of this Winona Ryder look-a-like for a few years… until one magical day, Sio and my other most trusted advisor and comrade in cable-knit sweaters, Jimmy ‘$5’ Smits, were plotting on how to take over the world with only the use of Gotcha guns. When we realized how refarted that notion was, we started giving Sio wedgies until his balls were coming out of his mouth. We put Sio to bed, and then Jimmy turned to me and said, ‘hey, Thizzle, o’ master of Thighland and things involving Crisco, this chick with itty bitty titties has been axing about you and yer massively large cock.’ That was kinda odd to hear, hispecially since Jim-dawg was grabbing my pelvic region as he was spraying these werds from his mouth. So it was all set up and me and KK had our first date on the set of a Conan O’Brien. Odd, but then again, what me normal?

It was all a bit uncomfortable at first, since we didn’t have much in common, besides the fact that we’re both more beautiful than all the art work in the Met, AIC, and the Md’O combined. So I started asking her random questions like what she thought of ice, and Dziga Vertov’s Man With a Movie Camera, and like what it was like to have like lil cup-cake boobies, yet be hextremlee adorabltastic to the nth degree celsius. Without hesitation, she starting licking my corn, and the rest is, shall we say, herstory

And here’s the EGGSCLUSIVE first snap of when I told her that she win me, and she would not only be the ruler of my kingdom and my cockdom, but also second-in-commanded-in-chief for the army of Ong-Bak: The Thigh Warriors

May your reign be longer than my pubic hairs or books in a pubic library!!! And don’t you fret dearest Camilla, I still got my eye on you, and my thigh rubbing in yer poo!

Back to yer regularlelleyy unofficial royal bidness…

• Kazakhstan (the world’s NINTH largest country??) may sue their largest export [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Good, cause the last thing any of us needed was Gangs of New York II

• Ms Big Bazangas gets all prudish in Hollywurst. This really isn’t important news, but I was looking for a reason to link to pics of her crazy-ass melloncollies

• For some reason, after peepin these snaps from the forthcummin Outkast flick, all I wanna do is watch Janet Jackson’s ‘Alright’ video co-starring Cab Calloway, OR take out my imaginary VHS copy of Dick Tracy and diarrhea all over it

• The Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games… supposedly ‘friendlies’ is the Chinese word for uber gay flammin mascots

• Chris Kaman, center for the Los Angeles Clippers, is really really scary looking…

• Hipster Tee Shirt Generator [via the Meat Hook]

• The Krusaders, cause Christ was secretly a ninja [via Sumtang Awful]

• And I think it was about time that kids got their own version of the ’69 wife swap sex romp Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

By the randall gay, who the fork is that mini-Sal Paolantonio touching my adopted daughter?

Watching NBA BOOskateball or making sweet love to this woman from now until June?

…you must choose, but choose wisely

Speaking of the wurst pro franchise known to man… In loving memory of Les Mos Ghetto Washington Bullets and their not so memorable eggsistance, I will abstain from using bullet points today…

Peter Coyote And His Un-fuckable Hag Of A Wife Are Assholes

Freddie now knows what it feels like to watch his shitcom

Johnny Depp, part Red Indian, part mirror giver

Another reason for me to return to Burlington

For Ali G

Fried Chicken Gallery

Arcade Sounds

Camel Toads

Poopy Man Teaches The Children

Yo-Yo Ma…ster

Yo Mama

And in closing, sugar, Mr Poon?

[via Pizza Express FedExer]
No, never, never, thank you

Recently, I had a lil convo with my adopted daughter, Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt the I, about how Ellen Burstyn and Denise Richards’ performances in Requiem for a Dream and Starship Troopers, respectively, were the mos hosed over come Oscar time. When I asked her which two bizatches’ performances would top her list, without blinking an eye, she replied, ‘Joan Cusack’s thumcredible work in 16 Cans and Lane’s nightmare calculator date hater from Better Off Dead.‘ At first I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, considering she is the devil, but all of the sudden, everything is illuminated…

[via Dlistina]
• IT happened again. She looked like her old self, but this time, there was less hand holding, and a lot more dry humping. Can anyone tell me what this means?

• Does this mean that when KK read my review, she beatoff with a bottle of HP sauce for 48 hours straight? Honey, if yer cravin the brown sauce, lemme eat some tacos from the truck and I’ll be over quicker than u can say lickity shitz.

• Reason #45512315 thousand thousand why our MTV Awards show blows goats and theirs doesn’t

• Every time I fly JetBlue (all of two times), for some reason I can’t stop watching the Game Show Network. Last time I viddied The Family Feud and this last go around it was all about the Tom Bergeron hosted version of Hollywood Squares. While I was in the process of slitting my eyes out, I kept wondering to myself, razor blade in hand, whatever happened to John Davidson and that killer hair? Luckily I’m an avid reader YCMIU, who’s always 4 steps ahead me.

• HRT the IV plans on penning a a sex guide book (I may write the foreword… or the index). And if you find that thought repulsive, try imagining Sarah Jessica Parker’s clown/horse face while having sex with Brian Peppers… who may actually be more attractive.

• Pay the man, Shirley

• Attack of the killer zzzzzzzs

• Apparently no one is safe from growing up awkward in the world of Harry Pothead. Not even everyone’s favorite twins, no, not those Aryan Nazi kids, but Fred and George Weasley!

If these films were made in the mid 80s, Jeremy Miller would’ve been the Marlon Brando of the group. [more Potter pics]

• Wait til Fred hears about this! Yabba dabbo BOOOOOOO!!!

• I’m thinking about seeing the Ladytron DJs (Reuben Wu and Mira Aroyo) at Rothko in early November. Can anyone tell me if its a thing mary worth thingining?

• The 100 Oldest Currently Registered .com Domains [via Hairy Cubes]

• I’m all for a future where boobs store mp3s

• San Francisco in Jell-O

• Is Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffwelchevoralternwarengewissenschaftschafe rswessenschafewarenwohlgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschutzenvonangreifeudurch ihrraubgierigfeindewelchevoralternzwolftausendjahresvorandieerscheinenersch einenvanderersteerdemenschderraumschiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkraft gestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternaitigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelche gehabtbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevonverstandigmens chlichkeitkonntefortpflanzenundsicherfeuenanlebenslanglichfreudeundruhemitn icheinfurchtvorangreifenvonandererintelligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischenternart Zeus igraum Senior the new John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, or is it the other way around?

• Wax On, Wax Hoff [via Pakulashaker]

• And lastly, but not leastly, we bid much adieu (a ‘peace the spork’ is kinda rude here) to the great, great, great, great, great, great, Rosa Parks. She hated standing (right Cedric?), she hated Outkast, she probably loved Olney, MD (home of Hofpenis and Guns n Rosenthal), and apparently, she appeared in an episode of Touched by an Angel. I mean, what else is there to say, cept thanks for making a stand… by sitting, which is what our country does best.

1913-2005