Knightley ofthe Living DeadDo Go Gentle IntoThat Good KnightleyRay Knight WasMy 2nd Choice

the 2 month cow/queen
is warrick dunn
and thus
Keira Christina Knightley
be yer
Colin Fifth
Her Royal Thighness
of balls thyme

Tit all started on the set of Episode I when my mejor hombre Sio Bibble started having convulsions and wouldn’t stop saying ‘invasion’. A young girl playing Natalie Portman’s decoy came over to see what all the hot fuss was about. We locked eyes and didn’t stop starring at each other until Sio came to and started babylonning about ‘negotiations’ and some show starring William Fichtner that would eventually air a long long ways away, in a galaxy far far away. Then, George Lucas and his 17 chins kicked me off the set cause he thought I was the only one on the internets speaking negatively about him. That was the last I saw of this Winona Ryder look-a-like for a few years… until one magical day, Sio and my other most trusted advisor and comrade in cable-knit sweaters, Jimmy ‘$5’ Smits, were plotting on how to take over the world with only the use of Gotcha guns. When we realized how refarted that notion was, we started giving Sio wedgies until his balls were coming out of his mouth. We put Sio to bed, and then Jimmy turned to me and said, ‘hey, Thizzle, o’ master of Thighland and things involving Crisco, this chick with itty bitty titties has been axing about you and yer massively large cock.’ That was kinda odd to hear, hispecially since Jim-dawg was grabbing my pelvic region as he was spraying these werds from his mouth. So it was all set up and me and KK had our first date on the set of a Conan O’Brien. Odd, but then again, what me normal?

It was all a bit uncomfortable at first, since we didn’t have much in common, besides the fact that we’re both more beautiful than all the art work in the Met, AIC, and the Md’O combined. So I started asking her random questions like what she thought of ice, and Dziga Vertov’s Man With a Movie Camera, and like what it was like to have like lil cup-cake boobies, yet be hextremlee adorabltastic to the nth degree celsius. Without hesitation, she starting licking my corn, and the rest is, shall we say, herstory

And here’s the EGGSCLUSIVE first snap of when I told her that she win me, and she would not only be the ruler of my kingdom and my cockdom, but also second-in-commanded-in-chief for the army of Ong-Bak: The Thigh Warriors

May your reign be longer than my pubic hairs or books in a pubic library!!! And don’t you fret dearest Camilla, I still got my eye on you, and my thigh rubbing in yer poo!

Back to yer regularlelleyy unofficial royal bidness…

• Kazakhstan (the world’s NINTH largest country??) may sue their largest export [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Good, cause the last thing any of us needed was Gangs of New York II

• Ms Big Bazangas gets all prudish in Hollywurst. This really isn’t important news, but I was looking for a reason to link to pics of her crazy-ass melloncollies

• For some reason, after peepin these snaps from the forthcummin Outkast flick, all I wanna do is watch Janet Jackson’s ‘Alright’ video co-starring Cab Calloway, OR take out my imaginary VHS copy of Dick Tracy and diarrhea all over it

• The Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games… supposedly ‘friendlies’ is the Chinese word for uber gay flammin mascots

• Chris Kaman, center for the Los Angeles Clippers, is really really scary looking…

• Hipster Tee Shirt Generator [via the Meat Hook]

• The Krusaders, cause Christ was secretly a ninja [via Sumtang Awful]

• And I think it was about time that kids got their own version of the ’69 wife swap sex romp Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

By the randall gay, who the fork is that mini-Sal Paolantonio touching my adopted daughter?

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